I wish I knew.

I wish I knew,
the distance from me to you,
Heaven, how great could the distance truly be?

Perhaps,
are you sitting right next to me,
a heart en face, but invisible to my mortal eye?

I believed you to be a necessity,
my heart, my secrets,
kept under lock and key,

taken for granted,
sickness doesn't mean death.
I am sick too,
does that mean I can join you?

My only dilemma is my promise to you,
how hard the battle is sometimes,
but I will stay here,
and pray you are waiting for me somewhere.

a darker shade
embraced my shadow
and sew smiles out of my lips that he hung
on my mouth like the red-white bracelets
we give each other
each March
(somewhere far away from here)

I do not write,
I am spilled out on a page
like that time I got drunk on an empty soul
and vomited behind a dozen loves
on dog-****** snow

I am faulty
for I am an inhalation of the wind
and for

I fell from

love

into him

the tip of my fingers itch
and my eyelashes quiver like images of leaves
in water

Why did he decide
to make me part of his dream?

Why did I decide that these lines
are written for him?

shoot insults like bullets
glaring through shattered glass eyes
and baring teeth sharpened by pain
and experience.
We each blindly try to wound the other,
laying siege to the walls we raised to protect
our hearts that we tore out of a
brown paper bag last night when we
loved
each other. and we continue our battle,
that has turned into a war,
until our minds
mistake hatred
for infatuation.

One night in Provincetown
@2013 Linda Barrett


On my niece Jessica’s wedding
in the middle of July
The three of us weren’t invited
for the wedding rehearsal dinner
Instead of staying around the hotel,
That night
we went out on our own fun
just Alex, Kathy and I

We walked into Provincetown
searching for a place to eat
Looked at all the menus
and what entree to buy
discovered Pepe’s Wharf
sat on its deck
watched the Coast Guard’s fleet
ate boiled lobster and french fries
just the three of us
Alex, Kathy, and I

Our waiter, Derek, adored Alex
with his excellent restaurant manners
Two Lesbians admired his etiquette
A young straight couple made it complete
with their unified, approving sigh
Everyone on the deck admired us
Alex, Kathy, and I

On the Deck,
We linked our glasses in a toast
Alex with his Shirley Temple cocktail
Kathy with her white wine
Me with my diet Coca Cola
Smitten Derek played the host
told us of the pirates museum
the one that made Alex hum
we all thought it was fine
to see it with him
We left Pepe’s wharf
with our spirits high
toured the rest of Provincetown,
Alex, Kathy, and I







We walked upon cobblestone streets
still the same since
the 18th century
Ancient homes stood as witnesses
to the tall woman in
her Sonoma  sun dress
the red haired boy with the necktie
the middle aged woman
Clad in turquoise and white
and black high heeled sandals
' wandering on a Friday night
wondering residents passed us by
as we walked on the pavement
we impressed them all
Alex, Kathy, and I

The evening grew dark
we walked wherever we went
Motorcycles roared on the street
Drag queens dressed to the nines
We went into the stores
Stared at by dogs and artists
Kathy led me to a boutique
called Toho
bought a bracelet for my wrist
something unique
Alex got a Bear Claw pie
We astounded the parade
with our differences
and the commotion they made
at  Alex, Kathy, and I
We found out of the night
footprints of some African cat
from some bright yellow paint
followed their shiny way
down a side street
Kathy tried not to laugh
where it ended
A place called
the Kofu Kafe
Seretta the owner entertained us
with her South African thrills
displayed for Alex
Kalahari porcupine quills
We drank coffee
and South African sweets
let the time slowly fly
under the cafe’s sparkling ceiling
Just Alex, Kathy and I





At around ten
We three took off
Down the dark streets
To roam
I led  the way
with my feeble flashlight
Shining upon uneven cobblestones
walked past hand holding men
try to get ourselves
to our temporary home
silently say good bye
to our new found friends
and return to our beds
Alex, Kathy, and I

There was once a girl
and her whispers were like sunshine
peeking through thick leaves
and her hair flowed down like water
rushing with the breeze
and she stood on your stoop
and she said she loved you
but you didn't hear

there was once a boy
and his smile warmed like sweet bread
steaming for the taste
and his words were rich like dark chocolate
twisting your toungue with pleasure
and he stood on his stoop
and he broke a heart
but she didn't hear

there was once a mother
and her ears were like the trees
always waiting to hear the tiniest rustling of leaves
and her hands were like stone
lined by honest strength, bearing no weakness
and she held this smallest hand
and said nothing's permanent
and that heart break can heal or twist
and silence sweet whispers
and slice long hair
but it was all up to the girl

there was once a brother
and his slaps hurt like ice
on soft baby skin
and his lessons burned
like scars from fires long past
and he taught the boy well
how to not feel it hurt anymore
and he brought the boy home
where mama wasn't there
and daddy didn't care
and the boy never learned

not like the girl
who grew up like the tree
proud, and wise, and strong
and whose cares washed away like spring rain
and whose lessons stuck like thick sap

not like the boy
who grew up like a rock in a river
shrinking with every second
letting it all cut him down
and who couldn't handle it all
and who wore away from the world
much faster than the tree...

In all actuality, you are trying to **** me with every chance you can get.
You makes my body reject food, reject sleep…all things that can make it better.
You convince my brain of one thing, and I have to fight to do the opposite.
It’s a chore to have to shower, brush my teeth, take care of myself with you in my life.
But you know that such simple tasks are the ones that will **** you.
You tell me to give up, to just give in, that no matter how hard I try that you will still beat me.

And that is the hardest part.

You convince my brain that it wants my body to die.
But my heart, my soul doesn’t want to, it can’t.
It’s a struggle every second of my life to convince myself that what I am doing against you’re “better judgement” is really the right thing to do. But sometimes everything gets confused and that’s when I have these big break downs.
And during these breakdowns you are always winning…to the point where I am ashamed of what I’ve done.
But then I have to remind myself it was you, Depression, that let it happen.
I, Alex, had no control.
So my body is trying to **** itself one way or another and all I can do is fight back the best I can.
It’s this horrible game of tug and war that neither side is winning.
You are so exhausting.

But I’m going to beat you. I’m going to win.

I softly kiss
the back of your neck
because I know
you like it
as much as
I like to hear
the rustle of the sheets
as your mocha eyes
catch me in the dark.
So close that your
shallow breath tickles
my day old shave
and your nose brushes
my stubbled cheek.
My soft goodnight
tiptoes past your ear.
A faint smile and you
nudge me with your knee
or poke me with your elbow
before you turn away,
settling back into the arms
wrapping your chest.

I squeeze a little.
You squeeze back.