My thoughts have become my vision
I don't need eyes to see anymore
I can think of one singular thing that divides into multiple
Thoughts
They control me
And I don't know
If I need to see anymore
If they know what's coming next
Why should I
I can just hide
Hide alone
And let them consume me
They always seem to be right

- Anxiety

i feel so still
everything around me is moving
but i am not
i am present
but i don’t know to what point

it seems like i have watched my life live without me
i do things but am i experiencing it enough?
to what point can i just observe and watch time

i see children running outside
the movement of their legs are so fast
i'm thinking about time again
their laughter can brighten up the world

yet i feel so still
yet everything around me is moving

so the pain stopped
it wasn't just the pain though
it was everything altogether
the world is just so still now
you made everything move
my limbs
my heart
and now here i am
wishing i could move again
can you please make me move?
the stillness is getting boring now

my time is almost up
and i still do not know
where the happiness is

i’m understanding how it feels to love someone who doesn’t know you even exist
but i see you
i look at many people but i don’t see anything
i wonder what the sky says about you
i wonder if they miss you up there
when i look up at the sky
i count the stars
it makes me feel insignificant
and you make me feel more than that
because that’s all i will ever be in your eyes
insignificant
but in mine

you are everything.

He painted a big white cloud over me
he was careful with his brush strokes
painting each line with softness
yet his hand was bruised
when that hand connected to my face
it wasn't so gentle anymore
the white cloud started to turn grey
he was careful with his strokes

I looked for him
I looked for him in the lines and lines of my paper
but never in between them
I looked for him in music
in the way the second part harmony came in
but never the two part harmony together
I searched and I searched
and in the process I was-
he was
falling
I was picking up the scattered pieces
whatever was left of him on the ground
trying to bring each little part
back together again
so it could
so he could fit in the palm of my hand
and I put him back where he belonged
around my neck
just right below the collarbone
that way,
when someone asks me where you are
I will always be able to say
right here

You saw the flowers growing out of me
When all I saw was the thorns


The thorns start to show
You pull each one out
Carefully, one by one

I look down
You look up


You said




"Beautiful."

My heart speaks to you in languages you cannot understand yet.

we were running
we were running so fast until our knees became very weak
your hand was in mine
sweaty
we came to a stop
and looked at what was in front of us
what is it? I said
you kept staring and you said it's fresh air
but it was more than that
it was dreams
it was fear
it was life
we unlocked the cuffs around our wrists
and we kept staring

and i knew

it was freedom

the pain starts to slowly settle in
i don't beg
i don't think
i don't forgive
but i feel
but i see


i ask

but what is


freedom


if you're not allowed to have it?

The Sun is pointed at my direction






But it never shines

i remember waking up very early in the morning
i turned around on the bed
i saw your face
surrounded with darkness with light
the darkness  from our room
and the light just peeking from the blinds
the light hitting your face
reminded me of sunsets rising turning into a brighter shade
of orange and pink
i looked down at your lips
reminding me of soft kisses
on my spine to make me forget
eyes closed
wondering what they were envisioning
wanting so bad for them to be open
just
so you could tell me


one more time


that you were tired

I was watching her
really watching her
wondering how she could be so destructive
changing herself
changing me
changing the world around her
without

a


single



sound.

The world is dark around me
But I see colours that don't
Exist
In my dreams
I am trying to push
All of it out
But I simply can't
It will always just be there
Inside of me
In my head
I won't let it out
You will just destroy it

One day I was looking into his eyes
Oh, his big beautiful eyes
I get so lost in them
And one day I saw everything in them
His eyes would light up talking about his dreams
His future
And me in it
I liked his eyes most
When the sun is on them
You could always see
The different shades of brown
You could see
Light,
Oceans,
Hope,
You could see love,
Dreams,
Dimensions,
And when he would tell me
That
His eyes are
"Just brown"
I would tell him
Your eyes are not "just brown"
Your eyes are the reflection of
The most beautiful things in life
The things that make people smile
Your eyes are the feelings people get
When they are so high on love
Yet I couldn't tell you any of this
So instead I just told you
Your eyes were beautiful
But God, they were so much more than that
And I wish you saw that
I wish you could see....

He told me that there used to be a “spark” he never saw in me anymore looking at me with his dark brown eyes. And when he tried to bring that spark, it was never to show the flame that came after it, but the darkness that surrounded it. As he was bringing that spark in me again, lighting me on fire without realizing it, flames in the reflection of his eyes, trying to change me, trying to bring the old me back, what he never realized was that the flame was him, and that flames disappear too.

Your words don’t have to come out of your mouth anymore because I envision them. I envision them when I am walking in an unknown place, at 1 am and I am scared shitless but too weak to run. I envision them when I decide to sit in the rain instead of sitting out in the sun. I envision them when I accidentally cut myself, looking at the drops of blood falling on the floor. I envision them when I am on the bridge. Looking at the water flowing, always moving at the same pace because your words go through me like wind whipping fast past my hair. They were never words of encouragement, never words of kindness. But quick words of hatred and loathing, and now I know that when the plate hits the wall of my kitchen, and I look down to see the shattered pieces, instead of picking it up I like to just leave it there. Just how you left me. Broken.

Her hair
Flowing
All in one
Straight down her back
Her hair straight
With tints of brown
Maybe a shade lighter
Wrapped around
Other strands
Wrapped around
Her head
Her shoulders
Her neck
Her face
Wrapped around her body
And it doesn't stop
It keeps going
And going
Until she is
Covered
With
Her hair

When I see grey clouds
I think of you
I think of you because,
When I was watching
The rain
Pour down onto the road
And disappear
Running away
Streaming along finding places,
To hide
Places to disappear
It reminded me of how
You would follow the rain
Run towards it
Finding places
To hide
Places to disappear
Leaving me a step behind you,
When all I wanted to do
Was take one step forward
But you wouldn’t let me