i lost all respect for Me.

Forget I told you to drown out the sounds of sarcasm when you left me a note on my doorstep and the navy blue hoodie sitting upon my kitchen counter.
Maybe someday I'll remember that feeling of guilt
When I wasn't good enough to keep you waiting.

Clandestine words and actions that triggered
What could have showed
To be a past nearly forgotten
Or wanted to...
This embodiment is gradually deteriorating
They know, they can see right through you.
Roni.
Is this an excuse? Or is this a fault.

I apologize
For my inconsistencies
For my opinions
For being naïve or knowing too much of nothing
For questioning the teachings of great thinkers, great writers, poets, inventors of all time
I’m sure that they’re sorry too
Sorry that not everything is done to a certain someone
Or doesn’t pertain to those who toss it aside
Sorry that we all live in our own separate and made up worlds
Feeding off of old traditions
Enhancing them to make our own “new” ones
But then define plagiarism? If it’s such a huge issue
Then why do we do it?
So I am sorry.
Sorry for copying you, him, her, them
Sorry for stealing what was never there

Dear something to remember
Dear nothing that I knew
Was it clearly a reason to give me a clue
I’ve reworked the works of past lives
Calculated numbers to exist with mine
To reminisce on such a sweet accomplishment
Known as greed to another man’s treasure
Where thoughts could not coexist
But exist if not measured
Where jubilance is false and apt to do
Walls concaved with no place to move
Well if it’s so weird to think regardless of nothing
Then shall I cope with what’s to come?
Or have walls never been where they are or were
To a place that was never done

No one to talk to
No one to be
To coexist with the same kinds
Yet I will never see.

I saw him in my dreams
The man who always saw potential in me
Who saw all my aspirations before he could see
me achieve them
And so I told him
that he should buy a lake house closer to home.

I've relied on time too much
I'm aware that I confide on a basic thought
"pretending" to be real...
Although, I'm not the only one who checks their watch
watching numbers change patterns
reminding people of moments forgotten
We've all been tricked
I mean what exactly are you looking for when your alarm goes off
"You have to wait an hour" etc...
That's a waste, you're waiting on things that have already passed
and yet... We've all been tricked
We're not able to actually describe time
Our definitions would include the word time itself
But yet,
I think the only "thing" that can tell time
is Fate.

A week of reality is gone in just seconds
As my life comes back to the reality
that lacks truth and acceptance
Not everyone can be an actor he said
but not everyone can tell the truth.

So I'm back to where I remain in the back of any group gathering photo

including my family's.

Tonight I was face to face with a boy who used to ask me out
Constantly
Years ago
Today I ordered a scoop of chocolate ice cream from him
as if it were some usual encounter with a Coldstone employee
No acknowledgements
Just him, me, and the held out ice cream between our distance
It's funny how things change
It's funny how things have changed
And it's quite hilarious how I've changed.
I tend to always search for a group to "fit" in to
But on the contrary I do not.
And just because he forgot who I was
I, along with him, did too.

I (x)
am (is) equivalent to
the negativity of becoming someone who is
neutral
when breaking down the exact same yet half
of being yourself, being yourself
taking afar For a common knowledge
that rationalizes you
To become of an existence.

Headphones in
On your mark, get set, go.
Time to really look at your surroundings
and forget that you exist for just a moment...

I am the puzzle
that is always missing a piece
People try and attempt to solve me
If I'm lucky, I get someone for the real deal
but here's the thing,
as they're about to finish the puzzle
get a look of the actual picture

...another piece goes missing.

When times were tough last year
I kept asking myself, "Why do I even exist?"
Biggest pessimist in the world.

Recently, my mind expanded
Things started to pick up
and click into place
Glimpses of happiness were hinted, implied, emphasized further out
and were approaching closer and closer for me to grab
To where I now ask myself a different question:"Why do I even exist?"

I am the difficult person.
Tell me a hundred times I'm not...

But I guarantee soon enough
you'll walk away
like the rest of them.

I feel as if I am supposed to hate myself.
It's a ****** feeling, yes I agree
I cry because I'm frustrated
which is beautiful
Progress
It shows that I'm passionate to learn how to love myself.

All things I applaud:
Fear
Hatred
Temptation
Jealousy

In order to get what you are looking for
You must never forget its contrast.
Oh I am not crazy believe me
You are.

Sometimes I sit in order to readjust thoughts
I sit to feel nothing, but end up feeling something
Like multiple desires
or scattered emotions that can make me lose my original thought
Where I'm able to hold conversations with myself
Now isn't that something...
Humans as "Transformers"?
We are literally made up with different human beings within ourselves
Optimus Prime
I like that name. *Does everyone agree?

We are doing quadratic equations again in math.
Find the domain when x is on the bottom of the fraction beneath 1
All "real" numbers, negative infinity to infinity....
...
not including 0?
It can either be that or this, it cannot be "what is normal?"
Jeopardy.
Wrong?
I think you're wrong.
I'm finding something made up
You're telling me to read your mind
Well I can't.
What about this... Let's say that I'm "x"
Now find me other than undefined.

The thing is everyone has faults
I have faults
That's why it stings whenever I say sorry
Because I know it was both my fault

People forget to draw the line between loneliness
and being lonely
The wanting of acceptance
can fog any mirror.
And to those who don't own a mirror
I applaud you.

I held out my hand hoping for someone
An unexpected grasp to be received.
But for now
We weep
Listen to grass
when it hushes to trees
and for a second I am silent
You blink.
For a second my thoughts pause
and my finger remains on the button
frozen
For a second we stop...
For a second we discover time.

Call me a heretic
I question the Bible
I question faith
my own.
I believe because it says that it's the right thing to do
I'll be saved?
But define religion.
Define what is infinite but is secrete
God, YHWH, Allah, The Creator
of what?
We are able to gain information of such large rocks
within our galaxy
Yet we see them...
from Earth
As tiny specks through a large magnifying glass
That makes it seem colossal or the actual size
but still remains at distant and a permanent mystery
Never in person. Inaccurate as well
I guess everything is just a hypothesis
It's become a habit that if you get more people to agree with you
You assume valediction
Well if that's what it has come to nowadays...
Amen.

Can we all just be ****** for a second?
People forget to give anger recognition sometimes
So let me throw **** around and have you watch me
In fact, join me.
Someone finally admitted the problem
That everyone kept to themselves.

Yes people watching is fun
But that's because watching people is harder to do.

Yiruma
Yiruma knows where it's at.
He speaks to us in a language everyone understands
or has the potential to
or can.
But am I the only one hearing the complexity within every fingertap unheard?
Mental conflicts
or maybe I'm selfish and draw his life back to mine
Unintentionally compare two inseparable distant lives
So maybe it's not his fingers, but mine
as I vigorously type to the beat of a thought
That I cannot even claim as my own
Call me selfish
and I apologize Yiruma
You sound great.

How many times has my mind contemplated the thought of running away?
It would seem like the more fingers the better
But would it be beneficial?
That I run off to another location labeled by a type of hierarchy to call "home"
Should I keep running then... in a circle where it is said a circle does not stop?
But it stops somehow
It stops when the fat lady sings
I sing.
I've been lied to. But I remain running
Why can't I stop? But at the same time...
Why can't I get out

You say you're confused
Calculating...
Your confusion covers actual knowledge
So you know
Stop closing the door now
when clearly it has been open this whole time.

Insert chuckle
There is a fine line between "existing to live" and "living to exist"
So I'm here.

How many people have I disappointed?
I do **** and maybe I like it
I don't.
I search for nothing
I grab an apple from the ground when it was supposed to be from a tree above
rootless.
So I'm hated for being naive
But convincing is good
Good for the mind; functioning but discombobulated
Convinced equals the force of what the mass equals in Newtons?
Oh **** it. If it's balanced I'll take it.
I guess that it's better when it was never known.