You've taken away my vice
The therapy that kept my heart beating
With every beat of the drum or harmony of singing
That healed me completely with every note
No more can I sit and listen to tunes
Losing myself in the words
Escaping my pain and the thoughts that made my head feel like it would explode  
I can be alone no more
The music washing over me
Calming my soul
Giving me the will to be
Myself and not worry about anyone else
But now you invade every song
Going through my playlist
Skimming over my favorites
Your name jumping to the front of my brain as every beat hits
Suddenly I understand all of the lyrics
I sang countless times before
I can relate
To every verse and every chord
Singing of perfect days and the pain of letting you go
Not sure what I'll do
But for now I know
You've ruined music for me

You,
My dear,
Are the sea

And I,
Have yet to
Learn how to swim

I have fear
Inside of me
So strong
Hanging off a jagged cliff, I'm dangling, struggling to hold on
Looking at your face
I'm afraid it's the monster I'll become
A torturous thought it is , that just like you I might succumb
To how it feels to have a bit of fun
Never quite knowing when to stop  

I have fear
One day I'll press a cool bottle to my lips
the bittersweet taste consuming me, making it impossible to quit
Downgrading my life, ignoring my kids
To find a permanent high that doesn't exist
Forgetting that I swore I was gonna be someone
like everyone else in our family always does

I have fear
That I'll look into so-called loved ones faces
Ones I've hurt without consideration
And not recognize their expressions
Emotionally vacant , resigned to the fact that I'm just not changing
Yet they've done everything but give up

I have fear thats all consuming
That my fate is not of my choosing
Fear that just one drink will lead to two
And that two will lead to eight
Taking away the chance that I'll appreciate
Something that doesn't involve two glasses going "clink"
or the opening of a foul metallic can

I have fear
That I'll become just like you
A horror I'll do anything to prevent from coming true
Because I've seen first hand what liquor can do
I've seen how it eats brain cells for lunch
Destroying the ability to listen, increasing the urge to judge

I have fear
That I'll be everything I despise
Giving in to the monster I see in your eyes

The sting
A reminder of your hand on my cheek
Seems to taunt me with every throb and beat of my heart
As my pulse quickens
Without asking, I know what they're thinking
I was dumb for letting you touch me

As I walk through the halls I observe their expressions
Seeming to yell I deserved it, without any question
I know I deserve more

I deserve more than broken promises
Slivers of shattered glass that stab just as sharp in the morning
As the deceitful lies uncovered the night before
The permanent wounding of my trust
Lies that weren't meant to be told
Vows that weren't worth being kept

I deserve more than wondering
If your daydreams revolve around me
Cherishing the joy I bring to your life
Or if they're filled with faceless beauties,
And the question of who you'll **** tonight

I deserve to be put on a pedestal
High enough that no one could doubt my
Importance, seen as others as some one who's worth it
Simply by noticing the smile on your face when you notices me in a room

I deserve to wake up with a text
That serves not only as a "hey", a mindless token
But as piece of insight to how lonely you've been since we've last spoken
Even if the last time was last night

I deserve to feel special
Like no one else can take my place
I deserve to hold your hand
Not feel it across my face

Sticks and stones
Is what they say
looking down as they throw
A cliche for strength in her face
Words they can't even begin to understand
No matter how hard they try
A pointless attempt
Until they've felt the sting of words lash like a belt when they hit
Degrading
Battering
Their every defense
Weakening
Causing doubt to the extent
Where they look in the mirror and the voices
They reflect
Others opinions becoming the definition of what their worth is

Sticks and stones
Is what they say
Oblivious to the fact she stares at a razor blade
While inside her mind all the names
grow louder
Screaming
Contemplating death of a being
with no realized purpose
Heartlessly their hate holds her captive
Sentencing her to a fate of silence
For whenever she opens her mouth to speak
Automatically she considers the negative feedback she'll receive
And quickly stops herself before the words fall out
At least someone has self control

The sea of insecurities she has to dive into everyday
Is nothing
To those who avoid her like the plague
Quick with the stones they cast
Ignorantly assuming
That the flaws they antagonize her for are of her choosing
So she's been branded
Hot and searing
What it feels like to be judged
As they create opinions regarding her existence
But a lack of acceptance is to blame
She prays for anything
Any way to escape
The constant ache, the ever present pain
Desiring to be invisible just for a day
In the end it's just a wish

Misunderstood
she goes off like a bomb in her school
One last cut, her last breath,
She blew up like a fuse
At all of those who ever judged her
Tormented her everyday
But when the report was filed and neatly put away
It was her who was held at fault
Never once was it taken into account
The triggers that were pulled by her murderers mouths

Sticks and stones
That's all they said
In one last guilt ridden breath
As they notice her blood left on their hands
Denying her perfection
Allowing her to believe death was worth it
To escape the hell in which she lived

Machines beeped
Monitoring your life
Every beat, body weak
Your heart struggled to keep you alive
This shouldn't come as a shock
We've known for months
I knew you weren't here anymore
Simply existing physically
Your body wiped clean of all mental capability
Like an ocean tide batters the shore, you were diminishing
Until there was nothing else to take

Reminiscing back to the signs we ignored foolishly
Never thinking it was more than a slight lapse of memory
From a call to confirm your location
To forgetting the youngest generation
Temporary confusion faded to permanent loss

I wondered
As you laid unconscious
The mask on your face providing oxygen
If you could hear me
Were you silently screaming for me to shut up so you could rest
Knowing you , you were concerned with my school and why I was at the hospital instead
Did you remember my name?
Could you conjure up my face?
Behind those delicate eyelids that hadn't done more than fluttered in days?
Remember reading to me as I sat on your knee?
How we'd admire nature with a hand full of bird seed?

I though I'd accepted the fact you were gone
When we first suspected the disease
The one I wish was never created, never existed, that erased my existence from your mind indefinitely

As I stared at your face, peacefully sedated, I felt a twinge of pain
How is it this woman I knew to be so strong
Might as well have had fragile stamped on her face

A being so loving
Was now so faint
Like a painting left in the rain
Your colors had began to fade
Until they were white
White like the sheets, the walls, and the floor
The absence of life that exists behind hospital doors

Your body slowly tried to quit
Hard headed as always . You said not yet
So frail you held on to the little life you had left
Until Heaven loosened your hold

I find solace knowing you're in a better place
Where you can remember loved one's names
Watching over us in the paths we take
I'm resigned now to the fact you had to go
But as long as you could
You made God wait

Remember that night you called me crying?
At one in the morning 'cuz things had turned violent?
I picked up even though it was late
And it was a school night
I needed my sleep
But I stayed on the phone and calmed you down
Crushed all the rumors circulation around
Never could you extend the same courtesy

Get everything off my chest in a text and press "send"
Expecting some advice or an "it'll be okay"
Instead I get back one letter
Not even a sentence to comfort
Let me turn around and do the same thing
You'd have no hesitation in calling me selfish
Cold hearted, accusing me of being jealous
As if you could handle a walk in my shoes
As if you know half of what I've been through

Remember when I said that I had feelings too?
That I wasn't just a human form of a diary for you to use?
Like I have all these thoughts and emotions bottled up inside that you haven't once considered or asked if I was fine
Scenarios circle in my head
Late at night I replay all the things we said
Entire conversations, beginning to end
Perhaps I think too much
But that doesn't change
The fact you never want to listen to me

If you're gonna play it like it's every man for himself
I have no problem never asking you for help
I have no problem hitting reject
On the phone when you call
I could be reading instead
And by reading I mean a book, not one of your long texts
140 characters describing how bad your life is
As if you don't have a roof over your head
Parents who love you, a nice warm bed
I'm not saying you don't have problems, everyone does
I'd never put mine out there
I know how you judge
You'd tell me I'm insecure
Or to just grow up
Never once considering what I'm going through is actually tough

Does that jeweled crown from your head need to fall?
To convince you I'm imperfect yet worthy?
I don't care if you're the queen of your world
You can't judge my path unless you've walked my journey

I'm not your personal therapist
Never was
Never will be
Your emotions?
Have them
Your diary?
Here's the key

Love isn't a word
I throw around foolishly
Simply because I've been denied the opportunity
Of being held , filled with the possibilities
That one touch can carry
A simple caress
That serves as if to say
You're perfect
I wouldn't want you any other way
No such touches have came in my direction
Causing me to pick apart my reflection
Imperfections, one after the other
Become apparent
Because of one thing that was said
Even if I wasn't supposed to hear it - I did
and those words?
they haunt me

I'm sorry I don't believe it when you say you love me

My head pounds and my knees start to tremble  
As a precaution I ignore whatever
It is I'm feeling, burying it so deep
It'll need a shovel
and a rope to emerge
You think it's unbelievable the extent I go to so I won't be hurt
I think it's unbelievable that you claim to know my worth
When I'm not sure myself
Fearing you're just one more of many
Attempting
To take advantage
Of the self image I posses that's in shambles

I'm sorry I can't believe your compliments

Those sweet words you say with honesty
sincerity, unquestionable truth
A rarity in itself, especially coming from you
Inside me there's a girl smiling  
Next to the one crying,
bruised from years of being used
poisoned with sugarcoated  I love you's
And promises made
With fingers crossed

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm enough

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see
Automatically I think of other girls and the joy they may bring to your life
While I sit happily alone
And I know
I can't possibly love you if I don't love myself