We all suffer the strain and struggle
When our guts bubble.

what are birthdays?*
"a day to celebrate your being alive"
"a day to celebrate your birth"

but i am tired of living.
tomorrow is my birthday but
i don't feel like there's anything to celebrate.

my life consists
of running through dark alleys
away from shadows that pursue me.

i am the reckless
i am the broken
i am the wild sobs at daybreak
i am the silence at twilight.

i am a washed-up, beat-up soul
chasing visions of a wasted youth
down dark alleys;
fleeing my demons.

There’s something funny
about a loved one’s death
it’s like climbing up a flight of stairs
and thinking there’s one more stair than there is
so you put your foot down
and it passes through the air and hits the ground
it’s a shock,
your heart beats really fast
and then nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

I remember your face
your smile
your laugh
I remember the times
When, as a kid,
I giggled in glee
and flew paper aeroplanes around
on your lap
I remember your hand
how it fit into mine
like it was meant to be
how you told me
everything’s gonna be alright

and now I remember
the huge gaping hole in my chest
where my heart used to be.

I remember staring at your face
And thinking,
“this isn’t you”
I remember how they dressed you up
and laid you there
and I struggled with the realization
that someone, something in my life
would never come back

it was like I watched you
walk into the ocean
deeper and deeper
until the waters covered your head
I was screaming, crying
Begging you to come back
For me
But you didn’t hear a word I said

Yeye, Mama, YiDioh,

I sing what I cannot speak
I write what I cannot say
My heart beats for you
I will never give up

Everything you taught me
How to be brave
How to be strong,
When I’m afraid
How to press on
How to hold on
How to keep the light in my eyes alive

I love you,
You had a great ride,
And I will never forget you.

SWEETHEART,

FOR SOME,
LOVE IS THE CURE.

AND

FOR SOME,
LOVE IS THE DISEASE.

you tell me about her and
how she broke your heart and
how you're so empty now that she's gone.

all i do is say how sorry i am
that life messes up the best of us
and tell you to keep hanging on.

but what else can i say
when all i want to do is run to you
and tell you how much i love you?

what else can i say
when inside i bleed for you
and what we can never have?

what else can i say
when you tell me you can't picture
life with anyone else?

what else can i say
but tell you i'm so sorry
and mean it with all my heart.

what else can i say?

she's tearing you apart and
you're tearing me apart and
i know i'm tearing him apart too.

sometimes i sit and wonder why
love is so
cruelly blind.

why always in this place?
where "goodnights" have ceased to exist
by the mere assumption that we are too old,
or that muttering it would mean
we meant it,
and that would be to real
in these walls.
walls that hold an unspoken
agreement to never be in depth,
never to hold a real
conversation in it's midst.
a place where there are walls,
that have turned into
kingdoms of secrecy.
all consumed by a lie,
a narcotic idea that this place
is just for surviving.
that is place is a house,
not a home.

and then
   i
    began to
    f
  a
l
l
.
and it was slowly
so no one would notice.
a slow uninterrupted fall
into an ever darkening pit.
and because no one saw, no one was there
to catch me when i took that last step.
but space was still and peaceful.
i fell slowly and wasn't scared.
it became more and more black
but it was comforting.
the blackness, that became my friend,
was always there for me,
as i
f
  e
    l
      l

sitting in bed,
thinking about life,
nothing to do but
     s
       i
         t
           with a knife,
till my
   b
     l
       o
         o
           d
             drains  o
                            u
                               t,
like the draining of a sink,
and it will soon
     r
       u
         n
           clear,
and I will very too soon
     s
       i
         n
           k,
sink into the ground where I once arose,
now I'll lie
     d
       o
         w
            n
               forever inclosed,
with my secrets trapped with me inside,
forever until I eternally
     a
       b
         i
           d
             e
               .