I write my secrets in Sharpie on the soles of my shoes
So where ever I tread, I'll see pictures of you

In my footprints are poems I always keep with me
So where ever I walk, I'll have pieces of history

Its too late for me and I want you to know
That I think of you always, where ever I go

I don't know why I love you at all
I might as well be in love with a wall
You're so stubborn my love
But its hard to ignore you
You're too stubborn
But I simply adore you

I'm spinning circles in my bedroom
And my hair is now a halo
I'm pretending I'm a dancer in my bedroom
And I am now

I'm singing songs inside my bedroom
And in my arms I hold a child
I'm pretending I'm a mother in my bedroom
Though I'm wild

I'm breaking bricks inside my bedroom
And on my face are beads of sweat
I'm pretending I'm a miner in my bedroom
And I fret

I'm writing poems in my bedroom
And in my heart there is a boy
I'm pretending I'm in love in my bedroom
And my heart is full of joy

I built a wall around myself
And hid confined inside that wall
And that wall began to shake
Began to quake, began to fall
I built it up with sticks and stones
Though if they fell they'd break my bones
I needed structure, saftey, friends to save me
All I wanted was a home

We are all addictions
Impostions and
Inflictions
We are all we do and all we watch
And all we drink
We stand apart from other people
In their happy homes
And church steeples
We are all addicted
We are all addicted
We are all addicted
And we know
That there is hope

Shame is this thing in my hand
Shame is my heart
Shame is this part if me
That I can't control
Shame is this thing in my lap
Shame are my eyes
Shame's none the wiser
Than I claim to be
And I am ashamed
I'm ashamed of me

I've tripped in the middle of a race
And there's blood streaming down my face

I realize now
You are a tree
That stands there quietly watching me
You're tall and green
And you can sing
Like a flock of birds
But do you trees know, how much this hurts?
How do you think I feel, my dear?
Among the weeds, just standing here
I water every root each day
I sing you songs along the way
I stroke your branches and don't whine
I tell you tales to pass the time
The time until you realize
Of the whole forest, but I am wise
Until you find that you love me
I'll just sit here singing
To my tree

There I stood atop the first
I thought I'd reached the end of worst
But in my joy a mountain rose
I saw it in the distance, then close
This one was tall, the tallest yet
Its rocky pillars gleaming wet
The snow atop its peak so glittered
Roaming about, large cats, a litter
This mountain was so beautiful
So rugged and so powerful
I knew right then I had to climb it
And leave this sweet mountain far behind it
I felt the grass between my toes
But how far would I have to go?
I saw the mountain, I saw its worth
But I had yet to see its worst
I glanced around but one last time
Then began the descent, not the climb
I felt the mountain rumble beneath
I heard it mumble, speak to me
Ignoring it, I forced down tears
And began a descent that lasted years
Or maybe weeks, I couldn't tell
But I knew I wasn't doing well
The tears would flow before I knew it
I felt great pain, I thought I was dying
But then I finally reached the bottom
And I could hear the mountain crying

My journey began in a meadow
Where I heard the angels sing
My journey began towards a fellow
My journey began towards a ring
I walked past green bodies of water
Whose hue turned successively black
The sky seemed to grow ever small
I knew there was no turning back
It felt like a valley of shadow
And I knew that I feared evil there
I knew that the scriptures were hollow
I knew that it was everywhere
The first mountain appeared in the distance
Its rocky face wrinkled and drawn
Water poured from its edges
I walked until I felt the dawn
The path laid before me was skinny
Full of marks of missing hikers old trails
I tried not to let it scare me
That there were not returning signs of hikers anywhere
I began the climb every slowly
Careful to place my feet firm
I intended to climb to the top
I wish I knew how much it would burn
The landscape was broken and oily
The slick rocks offered no feeble saftey
I admired the sky and trees
Now all I had to do was keep waiting
The pack on my shoulders grew heavy
And it slipped slowly down my weak arms
But I lifted it up with a grunt
And I continued, in fear I'd be harmed
The silence itself seemed too quiet
It disliked be broken at all
I kept to myself and my walking
Where I found one, I hugged the wall
After days maybe years of this climbing
I could see the sharp top of the hill
Increasing my speed, ever eager
I exerted all of my will
With one last burst of strength I was standing
Looking out over valley and dale
My heart leapt inside me with yearning
While I let my hair blow in a gale
The sky seemed to echo the heavens
The stars in the sky called my name
I had reached the absolute top
I thought I'd never have to climb again

But I was wrong
I suffered in the end

I wish you had fallen
I wish you had tripped
I wish you had callen
I wish you had missed
I wish you had fallen
And your bones to break
Because I would have been there
To soften the ache

It always rains here
Puddles form in the valleys of the cracked pavement
The flimsy gutters snap and stick out like broken fingers
Water flowing in choppy patterns
Slapping loudly against the slick ground
Water always falls where we walk
Our shoes are always wet
Raindrops break though the cold, thick fog that creeps down our throats
We always happen to forget our umbrellas
When it rains all day, I look at the grey blanket of a sky
And think its eyes must hurt terribly
Thanking God we brought our jackets
We converge in the 20 by 20
Linoleum floored room
Hidden away behind the mossy brick walls that catch the rain
We sit in places where the floor is less wet
Letting out hair dry and hands warm
Against the wheezing old heater
Which two lucky ******* use as a seat
Heads crack against the old porcelain water fountain
And feet trip over the wobbly doorstops
We carve our names in the walls
And scuff our shoes on the floor
I bury my nose in the dusty pages of a book
And laugh halfheartedly when someone calls my name
We huddle like penguins in the Arctic

That's Seattle I suppose
And we have never been happier, I think.

We converge like a flock of birds
Emerging from doorways and from behind trees
I can hear each of our feet shuffling among the golden red leaves
And smiles reaching our faces
As out various eyes meet
We crow eachothers names
Hugs are unevenly distributed between us
We set our things down and breathe sighs of relief
Days like these, we need one another
We are like a herd of animals, a family
It hurts to be apart for this long
We stretch out among the sunset colored leaves
Reading books and singing and laughing together
Sharing jackets and gloves,
Protection from the south Seattle winds
Our backpacks and instrument cases
Serve as seats, backs against the prison grey walls
We talk of the future, of the trips we'll take together
Of the old stories a few cobbled people know
We exchange usernames, phone numbers and passwords
We let eachother in
Our hearts become bare and we share
Until our stomachs are full
And the bell chimes 5 times automatically
We crow goodbyes and promises of other meetings
Walking off in groups of two or three
I walk in a group of 7, laughing and pushing eachother around
I have never had better friends, I think

you and your weak fingers
shattered the glass in your hand
you had ahold of it
then let go of it
you let me go
you and your weak fingers
shattered the heart in my chest
you had ahold of me
then let go of me
you let go of me
you and your weak fingers

For all the years I lay upon Her
I never knew Her name
But to Her its all the same
For all the years my tears have soaked Her
I hope to never cry again
But to Her it feels like rain
For all the years my lies befell Her
I never felt Her pain
But to me its all the same
For all the years I've kissed Her surface
I never heard Her sing
But I think She'll give me wings

I watch the piano strings thrum
They shiver like my bones
At the sound of a Minor chord

I watch his pale fingers glide over the keys
They move as swiftly as I do to his lips
They are just as cold

I watch his face as he plays
His calm visage broken by a diminished triad
My heart broken by the pain in his face

I watch his lips move
Mouthing the words he's written
I weep that I can't hear him

Its movies and books
And the way that we talk
Which is not often and not given much thought
But its what we do
And we do it well
I am blissfully falling
Straight into hell
Am I not?
Am I not?
Tell me I'm wrong
I don't have the voice
But I have found the song
Am I right?
Am I right?
Tell me I'm not
Though you are refreshing
You're unbearably hot
Your fingers are matches
And your eyes are sparks
Your arms are fireworks
And they're stiff as starch
And I know you could hurt me
If I am not protected
But I think that I'll risk it
I'll risk getting rejected

She smiles at the dark
She laughs at the shadows
She stares at the emptiness
She sings for the hollow
And you think her crazy
She thinks you blind

She talks to nothing
She cries out to the nothing
She holds her hands out to the nothing
She loves the nothing
And you think her crazy
She thinks you lack passion

She reads sensless text
She says sensless things
She beileves sensless things
She writes about sensless things
And you think her crazy
She thinks you lack faith

She dances with the masses
She sings with the masses
She cries with the masses
She prays with the masses
And you think her crazy
She thinks you alone

Have you noticed?
Its right in front of your face
Its all around you
Its in your eyes
Its in your heart
Have you noticed?
It doesn't announce itself
It doesn't speak
It doesn't make a sound
But you can feel it
I can feel it
Have you noticed?
Its standing right behind you
Its inching closer, closer
It can smell your hair
It can feel the heat of your body
It reaches out
It is touching you
It is strangling you
Have you noticed?
Its in the crowds
In the masses
In the people who stand close
In the people who are close
Its in you and all you care about
Its everywhere
Have you noticed?
That we're all alone?

The wax coating on the book gripped my fingers tighter than I gripped it
My crumpled tartan backpack served as a seat
My other hand curled tightly around a Sobe bottle
The curls of my hair served as a chocolate sheet

I stole glances from the corner of my eye
Waiting for you to arrive
Searching for your green jacket gait
While the students swarmed around me like bees in a hive

You emerged from around a stone corner
I licked my finger and flipped the page
Counting the steps until I could see you
Until I could smell you and you smelled of sage

You made a face and tapped my book with a finger
I chuckled and threw you a look
You simply twirled away smiling
Until I was alone, just me and my book

She danced the clouds, the twirling sound they made across the frosty sky
Her eyes the wings of birds and the shivering clumps of stars at night
The grass in between her toes and the bees stung upon her cheeks
Pearly tears on pale blue lips, crying at the way the Christians seek

If God is real, my legs have scales and I glitter in the shallow bay
Then the sky began to rumble and that God then tore her legs away
With hair on end and and eyes like sweet apple pies she thought
She fell asleep in a watery bed with pillars that were iron wrought

Still so surprised at being caught she lay with fingers stiff in thought
Is this my grave with creatures scaled and plants knotted and living taught
She realized then she had been wrong, inside her chest a stiff grey heart
Turned her face up to sky and let the rest of her body be torn apart

In the Fall it smelled like hickory smoke and rotting leaves and maples
I would stand outside on the cold dry porch, cutting my bare feet on the staples
It reminded me of Camp David, when the fog layed on the water
I was all alone and the weather wasn't getting any hotter

In the Winter it smelled like diamonds and sugar and glacial water
I would run about in the yard, feeling my toes freeze slowly
It reminded me of Leavenworth, when I would get trapped underneath the porch
I was all alone and I carried a torch

In the Spring it smelled like candy and apple blossom trees
I would read poetry on the lawn chair, feeling it scratch my arms
It reminded me of Christ and the blood he must have spilt
I was all alone and it was becoming hell

In the Summer it smelled like fire, cotton candy and beach sand
I would lay on the porch and let myself melt
It reminded me of Roslyn where we wrote our names in charcoal on cliff faces
I was all alone because I'm a girl that someone replaces

There's a fire in my heart
And my fingers are shaking
And the ground is quaking
And I can't hold on
There's a fire in my heart
And my face has turned red
And I wish I were dead
And I just can't hold on

I'm on fire
I'm on fire
Darling, put down the matches
Please God, put down the matches
Because I cannot survive

Darling, you are in the masks I wear
I wear to hide myself
Darling, you are in the songs I sing
I sing when I'm alone
Darling, you are my skipped heart beat
I beat the ground in anguish
Darling, you are the kettle drum
The kettle on the stove

Darling, you are the seat filler
But I can't look away just yet
Darling, you were just a corner figure
But now you're always in my head
Darling, you're never bright or loud
But now your voice is like cold thunder
Darling, I hate to say it but
If you're the sea, then pull me under

Darling, I was alone until now
Now I finally understand
Darling, I've been pushed away
I've pushed myself as well
Darling, of all the times I've cried for love
Love's never cried back to me
Darling, you're right, and I hate to say it
But I've pulled you under, for I'm the sea

Darling, I've heard my heart beat
A million times before
Darling, I've heard the birds sing
A million times before
Darling, I felt the warm breeze
A million times before
But you are new
and you are welcome
Welcomed like you've never been before

Darling, I wish your face would turn
My face to turn as well
Darling, if you do not love me
Then love is like a jail cell
Darling, if we occur
At all like I have written
Darling, I'll welcome you to me
But first welcome me to heaven

I am from the battered symbol and
Dolce and Gabbana perfume and
Adam's peanut butter
I am from the honeysuckle vines
Creeping up the pillars and twirl around my ankles
It tasted like exotic spices and smelled like pond water
I am from the blueberry bush
The lavander rushes
Curling softly around my rusted heart shaped wind chime
I am from Christman Eve birthday cakes and
Writing my name in charcoal on cliff faces
From Tom, and Phillip and Gerard Butler
I am from the judges and
The singers
From marshmallow farms and
Watermelon seeds
I am from the Kool Aid Communion and
Stolen animal crackers
I am from Providence and ancient watchtowers
Bangers and Mash and ginger beer
From the crickets, wickens and picket fences
The bright red porcupine
I am from heron beaks and the green shuttered house
With the bow and arrow creek
The plum cherry trees
Young ****** noses
And the note I keep in my pocket to remind me who I am

Are you okay? He says to me
His eyes as green as emeralds
I am okay, I say to him
His words would slowly echo
You're sure you're fine?
He asks again
I wish he'd smile
He doesn't
Yes, I'm sure
I say again
But now I wish I wasn't

All I can do is sip your Peace Tea
And wait for you to fall in love with me
All I can do swear under my breath
And cover my face and push out my *******
All I can do is wish you would stand closer
And pretend that I'm not an absolute poser
I look at a lot
But you're all I can see
So I'll just sit here and wait
For you to fall in love with me

***** this world
Its taken away all the words
I may have used
To tell you how I feel
There is nothing I can say
Because this world and all its people
Have stolen my words
And left me mute
Staring blankly at your beautiful face
I have nothing to say to you
Because I've lost my words

I saw you there
in your grey shirt
with your old friends
and your brown hair
and your white smile
You are still perfect

I saw you there
and wished to scream
I nugded my friend
a bit too hard
She jumped and looked
to where I pointed
and stifled her own

We saw you there
You looked so happy
so tall, so dapper
a myth, a legend
an alien, a fairytale
that haunts me still

I saw you there
You didn't see me

Tell me how to win you over
Tell me how to win at all
For now I shudder when I see you
And when you look, I see the wall

Tell me why the rest are taken
Tell me why I'm all alone
I was born to be your queen
But you're refusing me the throne

Ask me why I cradle pictures
Of your face, alone at night
Your too cold to hold me, kiss me
I'm too warm, I'm like sunlight

I couldn't tell if he leant forward or backward in his chair
It was unclear whether is eyes were soft or steely
or if he was even looking at me
It was difficult to hear his inflection when he said
"You're really quite something. You know that?"
I didn't know if he'd find it funny if I said
"If I say yes, won't that sound a tad narcissistic?"
so i said it anyway

I couldn't tell if his eyes sparkled with inner mirth
or if they remained dull in the stupidity of my comment
He didn't convey intrest in me, nor disintrest.
He may have leant forward and he may have said
"Yes, but you didn't say yes did you."
He may have paused, then said
"You sound like you don't receive compliments like that too often."

He may have said compliment, I wasn't sure

I shifted uncomfortably and replied
"How can you tell?"

I think

I think he gestured with his hand to the fact that I was fidgeting.
"Because you don't know how to react."

I heard him that time.

Was he still looking at me?
I didn't know if I was offended or flattered.
But I did know that I took a deep breath and said
"I do know how to react. But I've heard using my sense of humour in situations like this pushes people away. . . apparently."
I think I was pretending to be serious.

I'm almost positive he was quiet for a while, still staring me down

or was he looking shyly?

And the stillness between us, that I'm pretty sure had settled, grew so long, I think I almost walked off.
That was until he smiled.
And the smile, I was sure about.

Even the heart of a lion can break in two.

Finally some peace.

Little and lonley it may be,

and yet it is peace.



I thank God for him,

and I thank God for letting

me live with him,

and without him.



He is my life.

And he is my death.

My beginning, my end.

My love and my hate.



He is #219.

and I thank God for his love.

Little and lonley it may be,

and yet is is love.

He is crumbling
All I can do is watch as he is crumbling
First from my lips
Then through my fingers
He breaks
And falls in a heap on the ground
And I am frozen
As I watch
He crumbles in front of my eyes
And all I can do is watch
But he starts smiling
He smiles as he crumbles
I scream
LOOK AT YOURSELF
But he smiles
And smiles
When I finally move
I fall next to him
Trying to put him back together
But it won't work
And I cry

She was an enigma of a girl.
Always passionate and compassionate
but mean at the very best of times.
She was always changing.
Sometimes she was quiet, words delivered awkwardly
but sometimes she was loud and exciting.
She was funnier on paper
but smarter in person.
Her heart was spilled onto pages of books
and notes of songs
but never on her sleeve.
When you first look at her,
you could almost see right through her
but after you hear her voice,
you're always aware of her.
Her voice is deep as the Mississippi,
her laugh is always loud,
but soft when she talks about
special things.
Always willing to help
never willing to be helped.
Sometimes her eyes were so dark, they were almost black,
but when she was happy, they were chilled brown.
She was ******* up
but never thought about her own problems.
She was always happy to talk.
She was sensitive around her freinds
but tough around everyone else.
She was smart. The smartest.
But she simply didn't pass her classes.
She hated pericings but loved tattoos.
Her was curly but straight on sunny days.
She covered her mouth when she smiled.
No one was sure why.
She liked challenges but hated puzzles.
She loved poetry but hated puns.
Never could decide between flowers or skulls.
Pink or blue.
She was a geek. But she belonged
at the top of the food chain.
She loved to sing but hated performing.
Never sure who she wanted to be.
She was a talented musician but
failed at improv.
There was always a happy smile on her face
but she was rarely happy.
She loved so deeply.
But she threw herself around.
Always loyal, never confident.
Always afraid of being alone.
Of never becoming what she wanted to become.
She wanted to be somebody to someone
but never felt she could be.
She was a very specific person.

She waded in the shallows but longed for deep water.

is not afraid of anything
not insects, crawling biting things
not mountain tops, from many fall
not heights, though very tall
not grizzly bears with claws so sharp
not steep and rocky dangerous scarps
not loneliness, although it hurts
not being stranded in dry deserts
not getting lost or feeling pain
not being stuck out in the rain
not being giving up upon
not staying awake until the dawn
not fighting or losing a good friend
not reaching her untimely end
not falling and scraping herself up
not being seen from very closeup
not losing her family or losing her phone
not living or dying completely alone
not being made out as a fool
is not afraid of anything
but you.

He said bye.
Such a small word, insignificant to me.
Yet it holds my heart in its grip.
He said goodbye.
To me.
Walking out the door, I hid my
shy glances
underneath a sheet of hair
expecting him to walk past.
But he knows now.
He knows.
I made a show of searching my bag,
so I wouldn't have to look at him.
But his voice
carried across the room to me
and only me.
My head snapped up
cracking my neck,
but I felt no pain.
He waved.
With HIS hand.
And said goodbye.
To ME.
I replied quickly,
nervously, heart hammering
inside my rib cage.
Maybe he wasn't talking to me?
I glanced around,
searching for a prettier face
and I found his.
Looking at me.
ME.
He was saying goodbye
to ME.
And only me.
His electric blue
eyes locked into mine,
drawing my face in,
I actually leaned forward.
If his eyes hadn't been soul
deep into mine, I would have
closed them, and breathed in
his scent and his voice.
HIS voice.
For ME.
And only me.
I stared after him,
watching him glance back once,
with his eyes and not
his head, before he disappeared
around a corner.
And it echoed.
HIS voice echoed in my mind,
MY mind.
And I wanted to collapse
on the floor,
in front of my friends,
who would giggle and laugh
and ooh and ahh
but I was alone.
He was alone.
And he said goodbye
to me
HE said goodbye.
To ME.
And only me.

Dawn on your face like a new sun.
Water me softly inside.
Spice up my eyes with the moonlight.
Flavor my voice with the tide.

Orbs of softly glowing light.
Falling to the sky.
Ecstasy in heaps is
sounding, bounding
from my eyes.

The salty scent of empty arms laughs
Laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing
Raw from the tide
Taste on my tongue
Enchanting
Romancing me
Shines with moonlight
Hides with it
Digging in the sand
Gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass
Slipping from my grasp
Blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting and falling
Laughing at me
Eyes twist away
Blinking rapidly
Too bright
Too bright
Surging
Burning like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regret
All regret for me
Things I shouldn't have said
Away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps
Cools my skin
Embracing me
Inviting me
For years it called
I stalled each time
My hot skin drenched with perspiration
Tears and resignation
Come
Come
Drink from me
I will cleanse you
I will hold you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten
In the sand
Toes curled
Grains scratch my skin
Though I cannot feel it now
Breathing salty loneliness
Through my nose
I take that first step
Foot pointed
Until it aches
The time has come
The Beast awakes
Diving in
Breathing deep
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper,
Hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Twisting my hips
My chest caves in
The blood flows out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms
They flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flame
You're omnipresent
I cannot run away
So  the last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating  in graceful patterns
My neck stretched under alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I descend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide