You run your fingers
Through your wet hair
And bare your teeth
Like a feral animal
Ready to devour me
I watch your strong, sure footed walk
Heavy boots clanking like cinder blocks
You always know exactly where you're going
Even when you claim you're blind
Warm, calloused hands hang at your sides
Teasing me
Now you sit there, reading physics
As if your dripping hair
And your wide shoulders
And your sure walk
And your warm hands
And that ******* pink lipped smirk
Were not enough to make me feel like I
Am Orual begging Cupid for a kiss
Pleading to unbutton every scrap of clothing
To see that perfect face and body
Pleading for me too

But I'm no Psyche
And you're no idiot
I'll never be Psyche for you

That little metal heaven
Where I felt you near me
That little metal heaven
Where I speak - no one can hear me

I want to love you better now and love you better later.
I'm trying not to hate myself because I know you hate it.
If this is how I love you, I don't think I'm meant to love.
I miss the days when you could say you fit me like a glove.

I'll never know if I'm doing this right will I?
I'll never know if You approve, so what's the ******* point?
I miss that little happiness that felt so big inside of me.
I miss those little moments, where he could just belong to me.
I'll never miss, this broken aching stinging slicing tearing soul ******* ******* pain.
Never again.

God, find me in this hour, in this infinity.
Give me the tools to be who I need to be.
Show me what to do to, to honor You.
Show me how to love him in Your name.
Give me the strength to be who I want to be.
Give me the patience to see the way I'm supposed to see.
Lord, give him happiness, even if I cannot be a part.
No matter what, he will always keep and hold my heart.

Our little road trip
Don't know the destination
Whispering lip to lip
No amount of hesitation
You bring the snacks
While I give directions
Our little road trip
Don't know the destination

In that darkness
Perfect darkness
You will be my little light
I can't see you
As we lay there
But I will hold you through the night

Mnyamata

I pretended you were laying next to me, stroking my hair back to kiss my face. I smiled contentedly, and on my exhale, remembered you were not here. A physical ache pains my chest. As if heartbreak was literal.
I feel like I'm losing you. You're slipping through my fingers like sand, and I'm trying to catch you with a colander. Soon enough you'll be smoke that I'm trying to catch with my bare hands.
This is the most alone I've felt in a long time. I pray but God is silent.
Tonight will be a long night. If you wake up and read this, know that it's not your fault I'm crying. I'm not sure why I'm crying. I have to many reasons to choose from.
I hope you sleep better than I will.

Ndimakukonda

Dear God -
Please let me be strong.
I don't know what he needs God - please tell me. Please help me. If he needs space, give me the strength to be alone for a while. If he needs me to be honest - give me the strength to be honest. If he needs me to be happy - God, please give me the insurmountable strength to be happy.
Show me how to love him. You know I've never done that right. Help me love him God.
Please tell him he doesn't need to feel guilty anymore. Tell him that he's okay and he has nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him how loved he is and how greatly he has improved me. Tell him how well he's doing and how proud and grateful I am. Tell me, please God, that he doesn't need to feel guilty.
God - remove all this selfishness and jealousy from my brain. The little part of me that wants to be jealous of the girl in the hospital because he seems to care more about her than me. Remove those lies from my head. I know they aren't true but Satan wants to convince me that I'm not good enough. I don't have anything to be jealous of. So I pray that she makes a speedy recovery and that she turns to you for relief and not to a bottle of pills.
God - give me the strength to tell Ryan all this in person so he doesn't have to keep guessing.

Amen