i like words.
but i don't like
giving those words to people
because when i do they lose their magic
and become mere tools
manipulated
for our communication.
but no one really listens
anymore
it's not about understanding
these days
people just listen and take what they want to hear.
throw a little bit of kindle in the fire
to keep the endless stream of small talk flowing.
no depth.
no real meaning.
recycled faces
trending personalities.
every interaction is just a chemical reaction
but once long ago we were our own. like grasshoppers we embraced our solidarity.
now addicted to the empty feeling of each other
rubbing together
we swarm like locust.

you loved me once
in a way not so readily understood
in a gut wrenchingly
passionately
mad
sort of way
in a riddle
hidden in between lips

like a secret
without a language, shared only
with saliva and in between silences
our tongues join together..
Like dandelion fuzz after a mornings mist.
in clumps we are intertwined
forever together
while destined
for opposite sides of the world.
we hold hands
as we walk through the fire
hands are cold dead
but your heart is beating strong in your chest
and your fingers feel warm and familiar running through my hair
like an old home, a nostalgic type of feeling.
your
skin it feels like December
you shiver
like a snake
I should’ve known
     I should’ve known.
how cold blooded you really were
but there is warmth all around us now
embers falling from the sky
refracted light
only it bounces off of you
and absorbs into me
im not gonna call you a monster
because  
I could have sworn you
were someone different
     when i looked up at the stars with you all those years ago
i want to believe that we never shared that tender moment
i want to forget
i want

the pain to seep out of my skin and into the soil around me
and grow flowers
i want to let my bones lay there in peace
as i slowly collect my
pride and dignity.

you loved me once in a unrequited not so easily understood
hand around your throat type of way
and I loved you with excuses to my friends and the nights filled with bonfires, kissing bottles to forget the pain.
I loved you with the sound of rain outside my window at 3am  
kissing the pavment
hard
smacking
passionate.
I loved you with tolerance and submission
kisses with fists
brusies blooming like spring blossoms
From every corner and inch of me
I was naive to ever think someone could be more then a stranger to you.
I am so angry for letting you hurt me
at you. but mostly myself
I am not sure if that part will ever go away.
but that tolerance I once had for the abuse I am learning for myself.
and
what we use to pretend was love
I will no longer.

i still wish for your sloppy kisses
                    sometimes
on my
left
earlobe
softly
like rain
barely touching grass
so very gentle
youre uncertain if its even real.

it's just a means to an end
all of it
so why
waste time with the complexities
of
what is right and what is wrong
they are simple conventions
that
simple people like yourself have made to shape
like minded minds
so tell me what is the point
in trying to juggle it all
or is there a point in having no point
in dancing a dance
like a bee
with so much math attached to it
every move calculated
cant we all just
dance in our own direction on
the wind
and see where life goes
let our feet
fall into the floor
but
with grace
and a smile on your face
because you're killing the world with kindness
before it gets a chance to **** you.

theres blood on the wall
theres blood on them all
they just don't see it
like
you
do
.

feelings wither and die
fragile like summer blooms
this we both know
still
don't know why i bother
trying to keep them alive
though

i would beat myself up over you
but i'm trying to be good now
you know
that thing people like us try to tell ourselves we can be.
yeah.
i like being bad a little more then you do
but it makes your **** hard
so you're okay with it.
yeah.
you see there are repercussions to everything and if i let you
inside
you would
open
up
and
tug at my baby hands
and hold me close like i am just a child
with nightmares in the middle of the night
and
im not sure im okay with that
or rather im not sure i can permit that.
again.
you see brown eyed boy
i still have a life to live
i can't tempt myself with what ifs
and
you are the biggest temptation of all.
It would be only a matter of time before you'd lead me back down the self destructive path
one way or another
or perhaps
we would foolishly lead each other
hand in hand
oh so in love with the feeling of love
so i guess this is my apology in advance
my apology to the universe
i hope
you hear it on the wind someday far off in the future
when you've finally grown into your limbs and no longer think of me
because i'm not sure
my lips could ever be able to properly say the right words aloud.

The whispers in the hallways were so loud
They broke our eardrums
we both lived life muted for the longest time
You longer than me
though
I could only hear my heart beat in my head
never thought to use my brain
and you were insane
In the kind of ways
Only a man can be
And
As wed ****
i smiled through the pain
And
you'd laugh a laugh
that sounded
like a cry
And
id cry
a cry
that was silent
For the longest time
And the truth?
we buried that beside my heart and bones
Under the tombstone
that my family picked out
but it leaked out
and
It gave itself away for free
and
it all seeped  
through the cracks in your cement exterior
and I?
I was the daisy that poked up through the side walk
and refused to stop
growing
even when the odds were against it
and you?
you
didn't stop me then
and I refuse to let you  
stop me now.

cup your hands into the porous soil.
dig deep.
build
an enclave
to shelter yourself
from
the rainy season
that's a comin'
let the rows of corn grow inbetween your ribcage
in perfectly semitrical lines
and the roots become
your prison to die in.

swollen fists
swooping down like swallows
to kiss your pond water skin
the ripples transcend
as your knuckles rip through  
to the bottom
of
the pond
that's filled to the brim with laughter
that's full of tears.

cracked salty lips
kiss
   interlaced
                finger to finger
i can almost smell
the     apathy
from here .

can feel your hot breath
tickle
my skin
all my hairs   stand on  
  end
waiting
   watching
warm
      but only for a moment
amused
             i smile
but only for a moment
.

I am everything you desire
Am I not?
I've passed all the tests and we've played all the games imaginable
But I still win every time
and you wonder why
But don't protest as I claim my prize.
I hunger all the time now
More so then I feel you can even satisfy
I worry all of my effort will be worth nothing, because someone else has already ****** you dry before me
That's why I'm always present in the backsplash
Always watching.
Playing puppet
even though I'm the perpetrator
surrender your skin to me
you indiscriminate fool
fall
asleep beside me
like only an ignorant child can do
let me watch
your heaving chest in sincronitzed snapshots
try to understand what it all means
in a blink of an eye
A glimmer
A refracted star, mere mirrored light in a sky kissed with abundance  
Let me trek my sharp nails over the monotonous journey of your frail fore arm
Draw some blood
But just enough to get by

suffocate it with cellophane.
don't let it breathe
or it will breed and monopolize all of your cells
function
like a functional organism
because you have to
and
there is no other choice
never use question marks
because you're always certain
and your high school diploma and college degree
reinforce that
****
random people
at random moments
in
back way alleys
get so drunk
you can't feel your legs
with
people who are supposed to be your friends but don't quite live up to it
smile
big
and bright
and
laugh like a
fool
at the people who
think they
really get it
live inside the four walls of your head
because
that's the only place that's
really safe
and never tell anyone anything important
sleep with your secrets
and live constantly in danger
never settle down
or absorb any type of love or attachment
through your pores
become
a sponge
to the world
who
soaks
up
more then just a complitation of ****** situations
be disconnected
but not discontinued
be what your father always pushed you to be
be what the world has pushed you to be.
something different.
learn to
run
faster
then you thought you ever could
until your bare feet
are bleeding from all the thorns
and your legs are screaming for you to stop
forget
the beating in your chest
forever

walk away from the reflection in the pool.

What does it matter

kiss the clouds till it pours down rain
onto
your baby skinned face
just keep milking it until
you steal every last drop
of its essence
to taste on your self righteous tongue
dont cut it slack
or it'll
take
you down a notch
be consistent
no emotion
don't disappoint
be that robot your father always wanted you to be
make him proud

you're a crack your head open addict
humpy dumpy
gone bulimic
you're a sunny side up
egg
with a not too sunny side
you're the
chicken in the
hen
who
wasn't meant to be
still born
and malfigured
you're a reject
the feeling in
someone else's stomach
that doesn't agree with them
you're the kid in the corner
who got the laughs
for being different
the one
who was always good at
telling stories
&
pretending
to fill his fathers shoes
but never really got the chance
you are the flimsy inner cell membrane
of an intricate facade
a
mere
shell
trying to be whole again.

artic pole vibes
     on summer days
       covered up
          with
             loving coos
                that were blanketed by
                   a cliche
                     dozen roses
                      left by my sorry excuse for               a gate
        you can deny
           any aspect of
                 you living
                      in my heart
                          but you can't not look     me in the eyes when you pass me by
              and
we both walked out of a wreckage, old friend
        only you walked out unscathed
the first time
funny how life throws you curve ***** though
       maybe now you
feel
what
it feels
like to be on your knees
                                   coughing up blood to feed the reaper
                    maybe now your ears are ringing
                 and your chest is
heaving with a seatbelt pressing up       against your neck
                and your screaming in your sleep next to me again
or maybe it was just me.

or
maybe
it wasn't.

maybe i was too quick to assume


maybe
then
we both died too.

must have been
the bath water
us kids
we're drinking
back then
or
maybe they
poisoned
the wishing well
long
before
we
we're even born
or
maybe this is something we are simply plagued with
forced to walk around
on
splintering tooth picks
for bones
stilts
built
for tip toeing around problems
and
navigating through  
dips and turns
and
this is what we were born into
this is the way we were raised
this is the way we are bred to be
sophiscated skin suits
walking-talking-dolls
filling our parents shoes before us
just another number
just another melting face in the dim lit city streets
but i can't help feeling like a
rabid animal
in a suit
a
Clawless tiger in a cage
the
anxiety running rampant in my veins
every time
I have to sit here and listen to the hum of the phone
or the daily gossip about who ****** who
there is a disease inside me
must be
like a bird hitting against a slider door
a repetition you can't get out
of your
skull
as much as you
try peeling away
at the
parts of you
that are fraying
and coming undone
when the night comes
and everyone goes home at night
you end up laying in
your
bed
praying for another day
of this
but why?
and
how?
do
i break the cycle
before the cycle
breaks me

were neck deep in cigarettes
coughing up
pennies to feed each other's piggy banks
just to get by
kissing left and right
in the hallways
that are tucked away from the prying eyes
but still just as ****** as the last
i want to be more then a pass me by- hello-how-you-doin'-grin
i want to be the alcohol that hangs on your breath
from last night
that
warmth
hanging near that soft spot on your lower lip
that
i want to take shelter on.

hold up the things i never said
like silly string
limply attached to my tongue
shine the light on the darkness in my eyes
with a dollarstore flashlight
whisper all the lies
into my pillows that
tell me
im good enough
or just breathe
it out like
smoke on my skin
your hands
nestle into
my ribcage
like there looking to build a home
feathers fall like flaky mascara
that tickles my cheeks
and
i don't know if i ever told you this
but your hair
looks like sun in the morning
daffodils-daisies
and pretty ****
like that
and your skin feels like
what i think
rain feels like
hitting against a moss kissed metal roof
lighting bolts in the distance
playing hide and seek with the thunder
again
and
if inanimate objects could shiver
they would and it
would be
at our expense
how can you be
so
cold
but taste like summer.

you had an
umbrella face.
always tried to shield me
from the sun
overtime it caught up
with me
     though
made me
  turn pale like
a ghost
like a child's silhouette in a fading fog
like a distant memory creeping
up behind you.

kiss me
like the fire burning in the back of my eye sockets
the hate building up like bubbles in my brain
hitting against the top of my skull
wanting you to
just
crack me open
and let
things surface
like
a little girls
heaving
chest
full of girly sweet nothings,
gumballs and skipping stones
suddenly empty,
just another
head bobbing against the
cement at the bottom of the
pool.

cover the sun
before it covers you.

there are apples on that tree no one picks anymore
because there
are worms
hidden inside the green grannies skin
who's ugly within
but you don't know how to fix her

if everything was the same wouldn't we still be
******* on the
crack pipe
held between our teeth
and wouldn't you still be picking the gum out of the cracks in the
sidewalk
to show me the biggest piece with pride on your face
and wouldn't we still be ******* on that **** stained mattress
and wouldn't you still
*** in my mouth
and taste like
whiskey
and wouldn't we still be laughing at all the kids who thought they were cooler then us
holding each other's hands
all the time
except your hands were two times the size  of mine
traveling to new places
in your
broken down ford
with cow horns on the front
spray painted tan
to look
like trash
and wouldn't we still be breaking down old buildings
and causing trouble
but couldn't we still appreciate the good things in life
like we use too after
a long day of making the world a worse place
i remember us
spray painting the sky
pink and orange
and
i think of it now as a way to apologize for the damage we did
and ******* it
we were both so disgusting
but i loved the sounds you made before you came
is that why i still think of you?
or is it because i know you won't fit with anyone else like you did with me?
people like us
we use and
we abuse
and we throw away
but i didn't get a chance to treat you like trash before i became the waste basket.
and
no matter what you say
you will always be a greasy sheep
like me
the question is are you
ready
to face
the worlds inferno?

i just hope we can go to hell
together
still smiling like we use
too

even though
we
are just wolves
pretending
to be
in love.
at least in my mind
  we will die bravely
for our
cause.

i have the face of a child.
cheeks the color of summer.
my grey-blue tuesday morning eyes will smile at you from across the way
but, i'm as old as grand fathers clock
if you skinned me
and turned me inside out
and my organs have shrunken down to the size of skipping stone pebbles
and my heart
i stopped using it months ago
because all it seems to do
is add to the
lines on my hands
and get me in trouble time and time again
and id much rather not feel
like
i'm about to die
when i've just now hit the years of my life where im supposed to feel
so alive.
there's a thief on the loose
and i can only mimic
what i see in others
now
because
the simple purse stealing ******* has taken away my zest for life
and
my life is now
a simple pantomime.
a shot at trying to care
again.
tight rope walking
over a field of world war two land mines
and i know that i will fall eventually
no one can pretend forever
but i can't help myself
so maybe you can?
spring knocked on my door this morning
and i answered the door with creaky bones
and creaky floor tap dancing
but it was really morse code
for please let me sleep in
for another year
because i hate going outside
and seeing all the things die more and more as time goes on
and i hate to see
everyone smiling
with a brightness in them
that could light cities
while everything is dying
and my house is burning down
and it's almost the time of spring showers but the cloud man didn't close the shower curtains and i saw too much
and i can't un-see what i've seen
and i can't see what i haven't seen just yet
and
if i could
i'd skip ahead and read the last chapter of romeo and juliet first because i
understand life better
down
upside
and turned around
and in shambles
please believe
i would apologize
for everything
if i knew what i was apologizing for
and
i suppose i stopped using my brain awhile ago
too because
it's lost somewhere deep in the ocean
amongst a flock of boxer jelly fish
now
and your uncle has just gotten stung on the beach
and it's all your fault
because you weren't physically there to save him
you were
stuck in the clouds
thinking about the cloud man
who
you hate
so much
with the heart that you don't have enough of these days
all because
you hate the rain
or rather the way he laughs at you when you walk in it
and i can't get april out of my head
or the taste of your lips
because they tasted like mine
and i can't help but feel like the whole time i was with you i was making love to a mirror.
**maybe you weren't the monster.
it was me.

it's cold out here
and i'm standing outside of a window
looking in on all of you
the ones who i love so much
and this is what my whole life is like really
watching life go on through a slab of glass
and you
over
there
the one with eyes as blue as mine
can you see me?
do you see the boulders on my shoulders
do you know what it's like, really?
there is snow surrounding my ankles
out here
and i'm walking farther from the window
and growing colder by the day
if you feel the same way i do please say so
now
lord knows
if you wait too long you may miss your chance to save me.

you protect it
with swords for hands you hold your arms wide
closing quickly
around its body
because you are still unsure
and a bit uneasy
of what your doing
peach hands crumple into yours
and it skips with you to the garden
and whistles
'oh what a beautiful morning'
and there you watch the foxes play
and the dragon flies dance to rainbow droplets of squirting water
out of the goldfish filled fountain
and you are surrounded by topiary
and blood roses
kissing each other
like salt and pepper
granules
the roses
are covered in aphids
there petals drip like blood onto the
rain stained earth
the ladybugs were too lady like to **** all the pests
this year
so they turned their heels
and flew away on each other's backs
and the
topiary seems to stand on its tippy toes
as if it were a child trying to
look over the counter to
see the sunny side to things
and the roses are rebelling against the earth and growing towards the sun
that has shriveled to the size of a california golden raisin.

i
am
a snake
now
like you
i hatched from an egg
and crawled the ground for years
but never grew any legs to stand on
really
cold-blooded
me and you
baby we we're both so cold
all the time
but we had our moments in the sun
remember
and hey
it was pretty ******
but you don't see me pretending
that things are the same
with some other bleached blonde trailer trash wannabe
and i haven't called
because i figured you wouldn't care if i was dead
or not
but hey im not dead
isn't that good to know
im still very much alive
my chest falls every now and again
and
my heart is still beating
i think?

i'm sorry i'm not sorry
my well has run dry
i would sell you a sachet of tears if i had any left
i can't cry
cant feel your pain or the things i do
im just so numb to it all
just so numb to
the cigarettes i burn into our seven layered skins
and i feel so hopeless
more then i ever have before
i've become everything i never said i would be
and you would be disappointed if you ever really looked at me
i am
a bottomless pit of self loathing
i am a
starved child
shackled in chains
i will destroy every toy you let me borrow
i will hurt every kid who comes to play
i will spit on every puppy
and ruin every family who ever tries to love me
because this is what i am
and i can't help myself
and
i don't blame you for leaving
i don't even blame my own heart for shriveling up in my ribcage
but
tonight
i have
stepped out of my snakeskin
i am something new
something worse then before
and i am so cold
tonight
and i am so sad
today
my lips turn blue when i laugh
or when i cry tears of madness of happiness?
i can't tell it's all a blur
and
its time for me to go to sleep
(how can i sleep at night?)
and it's time for me to go to sleep.

this is some highway hennessy ****
some ****** up ****** dreamers dream
living the life the way i like, oh yeah.
and if you **** with me, i **** back
got twenty cence in my back pocket but got no sense of mind
forgot to look at the clock
and got lost in
the moment
when they all fell in love with me
and it's not hard to pretend
or to ****** for that matter
but that's not what i'm saying
and it's not even that i miss you
really
or that i even like you, because i ******* hate you
i think i just wish that my first attempt at love
was actually love
and not just us fogging up your car windows
but now since i've grown
now since ive learned
how to hide everything about myself
i can confidently say that i'm leaving love behind for good.
going to drop my heart off at the nearest train station
let it roll away in style
and hey ive never been one to take life too seriously
but
i can promise
this isn't some
gimmick
some little inside joke i have with myself
at everyone else's expense.
no,
i truly don't know where i left you and where i begin.

if there's no point to anything what's the point of trying if not to prove that were trying harder than someone else? and what's the point of that?
trying to prove to everyone you are worth something instead of actually making something out of yourself?
arent you just wasting time?
aren't we all just wasting time?
so if there's no point to
anything what's the point of not trying?
what's the point of not doing anything?
what's the point of this poem?
couldn't you argue the same thing?
i could spend my days pacing in my room
spend them crying tears over boys
or kissing and not telling
i could meet a nice clean cut man become a mom
i could go get my masters and buy a big house
but what's the point?
what's the point of fighting nature?
of preoccupying oneself with materialism? of acting more sophisticated then we let on?
yes it is survival of the fittest
the
jungle
rules
but who is the fittest?
the people who stuff there pockets with cash and drive fancy cars?
that's what we look up too?
that's what we blindly fund?
some metal melted together to form some akin machine?
why do we take pride in the things that hurt us the most?
why am i still wasting my time?
doesn't anyone want authenticity anymore?
doesn't anyone have a yearning for the truth?
does anyone still crave adventure?

sunflower mane around your head
tickles your ears
you laugh like a child
rose petals fall from your cheeks
and onto the dirt floor
as
you bend down to catch the rain water
pooling at your toes
and
you're walking home in the rain
on a not so special tuesday
your hands are cold
boots stained the color of mushy gushy earth
and
you feel as though you don't belong
you feel as though
your hands are turning into
condensation.
you can feel the weight on your shoulders
as if your some type of stage
and this is how your life was supposed to turn out and
there are stratus clouds hanging on puppet strings above your head
but at this point you don't give a ****
and
lighting flickers
just above your skin
like sleepy fireflies dancing in front of an insomniacs eyes.
you close them.
and you hear the hum
like hummingbird wings beating against your silken earlobes
the world is singing
and you can feel it's hot breath on your peach fuzz skin
and it tickles your ears



you
laugh like a
  child.

got a backpack full of burdens and i'm walking this road alone.
didn't pack any clothes for the trip to the end of the world.
oh no i didn't.
and i have a worn out soul-on-both-of -my-shoes
and im getting tired of running
oh yes i am.
oh yes i am.
so im gonna hitchhike with serial killers and there killer smiles
oh yeah,
smile for me baby
yeah,
green thumb facing the sun
daddy long leg outstretched on the side of the gravel-road-red-carpet
they will come like ants to breadcrumbs
pull over on the side of the road
put your bag of burdens in the backseat and won't even ask for your name.

shes a wolf.
a real cool-gal.
the kind that shotguns beer
and fixes cars
and shoots guns off of rooftops.
yeah,
a real gum-off-the-wall-steal
kiss me
before
my teeth fall out
yeah,
tell me im worth-less than this
use me
and ill use you
till we're used up and use to it
yeah,
we're
true garbage kids
fogging up strangers car windows.
just children
huddled so close
in a world full of landfills.
except
i am still trying to get away from you.

    tell me..
why do we stay the same?
why don't we cry like the other kids that are left behind?
why do i continue to
live with the stowaways stitched to the bottom of your pockets?
take me somewhere new.

oh and i'm just a stranger now
maybe i swore off love too soon?
i've been living with grizzly bears in caves
ive been living my life on the other side of the moon.
oh and it's been awhile since i've seen a friendly face
so will that face be you?
oh and it's lonely out here
tonight
but you won't see me cry
not even a single tear
will be shed
to remember me by
because when you get as old as i feel
and your bones grow paper thin
your patience is no longer here
just past tense of what could have been
your milky eyes will open for the first time in your life and you'll realize there's just no point when you're alone
truly alone
still stuck living on the other side of the moon, the moon.

wild dogs run through my head at night
and momma thinks i'm playing games
because she doesn't see it how i do
she doesn't feel it like i do
i can hear their paws tearing up the sod outside my window pane
chasing their tails to the end of the line
the end of their days
and
panting like a bunch of *****'s when they get there
hot breath sending smoke signals to the moon  
as if to apologize to there ancestors in the stars
for leaving so soon
and i see them sitting on the hill
again
hear them outside my window at night
they can see me through these walls i'm held captive in.
they can see me.
they can see through me.
just a wolf in sheeps clothing without them
they can feel the fire in my heart
the craving for something more than all of this
they beg me to return to them for without me they are nothing as well
but i'm told that i need to make a living out of myself.
i'm told to kiss and not tell.
i'm told to cry when no one else is watching.

its all the noise.
too many vibrations in
my eardrums
i need to take myself away
and go
somewhere new
somewhere to lay myself down
flat against this earth so I can breathe
again
just please
don't scream my child
your wasting your oxygen
and your life still
crying over him
So don't shed a tear
little one
not even once
even though their words keep your lungs weighed down  
and
even though he pins you
down on the ground
just
choke on your fingers and cram them past your tongue
and try to breathe with a smile on your face
and a heavy heart in your hands.

so small was i then
didn't hear a sound
even though
us pinecones
fell from the trees
with lots to say
but i was born deaf
could only hear
the pitter patter of your footsteps in the distance
you were always too far away
always too far ahead
and
i had
wet earth eardrums
back in those summer days
kept em
clogged up with your singsong sanctity
and all the suffocating weeds i let grow over my adolescent tailbone
and who woulda thought
i would've ended up
with raven black hair
and who woulda thought
id be kissing this town goodbye
before you said your sorry and meant it
and who woulda thought i'd still be alive today
seventeen and still counting down from a hundred
just another old soul with worn out shoes
i'm 153 in dog years
but im still breathing
so that makes me a tree
a tree with 153 rings
that lived to tell the tale
of the lonely lumberjack
who didnt know how to
love.
i am happy today
though
throughout it all
now that ive unearthed my ears from the years of catacomb kisses
and broken free of pesticide restraints  
my smile and my spine will kiss the sun.
all i ask is
am i taller than you now?

december first is the day where i push everyone else away
and die alone in the downtrodden
snow.

my brain told me not too eat the grain mamas been out picking
it said i should sit inside and watch the telly again
but i did that last week and everyday
in-between
and there's
funny jokes on tv
that aren't really funny at all
but
shhhhh
im not supposed to laugh
mama forbids it
and
her and daddy use to beat me until it was ingrained in my brain
i still won't eat the bread though

hahahahah

sunset hills
is where they lay me to rest
still can't find peace
in the most beautiful places
pack away my bones
on the shelf
i do every now and again
please
tell me to sit still
like the knick knacks
please
tell me to stick my toungue out to catch the dust
and i will listen because that's what mama said
and her voice
that's the farthest i've ever traveled
that's all ive ever known

i run around with the farm boys
at dusk
mama says to be back before the gypsys come out
to take me
my brain listens
my head nods
but my heart tetters on the edge of a cliff
i still continue to chase them around the train tracks
over and over again
an endless cycle of never being able to be happy.

seemed like we were never getting back to this
but look where we are now
and look at what we're doing
still walking backwards to
meet each other's
eyes on the streets.
playing a child's game
with twiddling thumbs
and it's been almost two years
that we've shrugged it off
and
you took me to the snow
and
it was my birthday

(the reunion of the
day
you tried to **** me)

and
ever since
you kissed her concrete slab face
and smacked my pride with it
we haven't been very fond of
speaking.
we just scream with our eyes burning holes in each others
hoodies.

and i may have
deleted the texts
but i still have the broken bones to prove it, babe.
and i haven't ever tried to love since i will admit
because
everyone else's kisses tasted like bittersweet irony
and i ran away from their hands
because they reminded me of the things you left behind
in the back of my closet
and the
little ovals of purple and blue
on my milky thighs
and
forks and knifes  
tracing my skin with goosebumps
from where you took a stab at me all those nights ago
and
i'll have you and the world know matter of factly
that i said no.

and god ******* **** you.
for rotting my brain
and my teeth
with your contagious ugly
and god ******* **** me
for letting you

you will not ruin this love in my heart.
you will not take away my smile of an innocent child.
you will not live in my skin any longer.

and i?
i will not keep
searching for home in some else's eyes
and running away
and depending on other people
to keep my body warm this winter
and here i am making change
and here you are
pretending you never wanted to get to know me
and here we are
pushing against each other full force
and we're both stuck now.
i just have the ***** to admit it.
and here we are
strangers on the street
once so in love
with the thought of love.

i think it's time
i finally let you go.

i could leave.
right now.
go to the
south
change my name
and pack my bags and forget
all of this ever happened
like i want too
so badly.

i
am
ready to go.

whatever it takes.  
    
this isn't the life i want to live
not here. not with you.
i don't want to waste a second longer as i grow a second older.

i'm a tumbleweed by nature
never calling one place
home
too long
i've known this since i was fourteen and felt like the deserts of california understood me
when i told the mountain tops
about the live i've lived and they laughed along with
me.
and my suitcases are packed
and at the door
waiting
for me
patiently.
like a dog on a leash.
but
my heart is a cinder block stuck to the floor of this house
the question is
should i leave without it?

wild waves fade like the curly cues in your hair
urges are kept under the staircase
and the tips of your
fingernails.
winter worries
wonder if you're good enough to carry on.
but you carry on
still.
you walk barefoot
through the pine cones
and underbrush
to meet her.
the one who you once felt was the same.

hello familiar friend.
you are a stranger now.