i'm sorry i'm not sorry
my well has run dry
i would sell you a sachet of tears if i had any left
i can't cry
cant feel your pain or the things i do
im just so numb to it all
just so numb to
the cigarettes i burn into our seven layered skins
and i feel so hopeless
more then i ever have before
i've become everything i never said i would be
and you would be disappointed if you ever really looked at me
i am
a bottomless pit of self loathing
i am a
starved child
shackled in chains
i will destroy every toy you let me borrow
i will hurt every kid who comes to play
i will spit on every puppy
and ruin every family who ever tries to love me
because this is what i am
and i can't help myself
and
i don't blame you for leaving
i don't even blame my own heart for shriveling up in my ribcage
but
tonight
i have
stepped out of my snakeskin
i am something new
something worse then before
and i am so cold
tonight
and i am so sad
today
my lips turn blue when i laugh
or when i cry tears of madness of happiness?
i can't tell it's all a blur
and
its time for me to go to sleep
(how can i sleep at night?)
and it's time for me to go to sleep.

this is some highway hennessy ****
some ****** up ****** dreamers dream
living the life the way i like, oh yeah.
and if you **** with me, i **** back
got twenty cence in my back pocket but got no sense of mind
forgot to look at the clock
and got lost in
the moment
when they all fell in love with me
and it's not hard to pretend
or to ****** for that matter
but that's not what i'm saying
and it's not even that i miss you
really
or that i even like you, because i ******* hate you
i think i just wish that my first attempt at love
was actually love
and not just us fogging up your car windows
but now since i've grown
now since ive learned
how to hide everything about myself
i can confidently say that i'm leaving love behind for good.
going to drop my heart off at the nearest train station
let it roll away in style
and hey ive never been one to take life too seriously
but
i can promise
this isn't some
gimmick
some little inside joke i have with myself
at everyone else's expense.
no,
i truly don't know where i left you and where i begin.

if there's no point to anything what's the point of trying if not to prove that were trying harder than someone else? and what's the point of that?
trying to prove to everyone you are worth something instead of actually making something out of yourself?
arent you just wasting time?
aren't we all just wasting time?
so if there's no point to
anything what's the point of not trying?
what's the point of not doing anything?
what's the point of this poem?
couldn't you argue the same thing?
i could spend my days pacing in my room
spend them crying tears over boys
or kissing and not telling
i could meet a nice clean cut man become a mom
i could go get my masters and buy a big house
but what's the point?
what's the point of fighting nature?
of preoccupying oneself with materialism? of acting more sophisticated then we let on?
yes it is survival of the fittest
the
jungle
rules
but who is the fittest?
the people who stuff there pockets with cash and drive fancy cars?
that's what we look up too?
that's what we blindly fund?
some metal melted together to form some akin machine?
why do we take pride in the things that hurt us the most?
why am i still wasting my time?
doesn't anyone want authenticity anymore?
doesn't anyone have a yearning for the truth?
does anyone still crave adventure?

sunflower mane around your head
tickles your ears
you laugh like a child
rose petals fall from your cheeks
and onto the dirt floor
as
you bend down to catch the rain water
pooling at your toes
and
you're walking home in the rain
on a not so special tuesday
your hands are cold
boots stained the color of mushy gushy earth
and
you feel as though you don't belong
you feel as though
your hands are turning into
condensation.
you can feel the weight on your shoulders
as if your some type of stage
and this is how your life was supposed to turn out and
there are stratus clouds hanging on puppet strings above your head
but at this point you don't give a ****
and
lighting flickers
just above your skin
like sleepy fireflies dancing in front of an insomniacs eyes.
you close them.
and you hear the hum
like hummingbird wings beating against your silken earlobes
the world is singing
and you can feel it's hot breath on your peach fuzz skin
and it tickles your ears



you
laugh like a
  child.

got a backpack full of burdens and i'm walking this road alone.
didn't pack any clothes for the trip to the end of the world.
oh no i didn't.
and i have a worn out soul-on-both-of -my-shoes
and im getting tired of running
oh yes i am.
oh yes i am.
so im gonna hitchhike with serial killers and there killer smiles
oh yeah,
smile for me baby
yeah,
green thumb facing the sun
daddy long leg outstretched on the side of the gravel-road-red-carpet
they will come like ants to breadcrumbs
pull over on the side of the road
put your bag of burdens in the backseat and won't even ask for your name.

shes a wolf.
a real cool-gal.
the kind that shotguns beer
and fixes cars
and shoots guns off of rooftops.
yeah,
a real gum-off-the-wall-steal
kiss me
before
my teeth fall out
yeah,
tell me im worth-less than this
use me
and ill use you
till we're used up and use to it
yeah,
we're
true garbage kids
fogging up strangers car windows.
just children
huddled so close
in a world full of landfills.
except
i am still trying to get away from you.

    tell me..
why do we stay the same?
why don't we cry like the other kids that are left behind?
why do i continue to
live with the stowaways stitched to the bottom of your pockets?
take me somewhere new.

oh and i'm just a stranger now
maybe i swore off love too soon?
i've been living with grizzly bears in caves
ive been living my life on the other side of the moon.
oh and it's been awhile since i've seen a friendly face
so will that face be you?
oh and it's lonely out here
tonight
but you won't see me cry
not even a single tear
will be shed
to remember me by
because when you get as old as i feel
and your bones grow paper thin
your patience is no longer here
just past tense of what could have been
your milky eyes will open for the first time in your life and you'll realize there's just no point when you're alone
truly alone
still stuck living on the other side of the moon, the moon.