Is two loves possible?


*Or is one just an illusion.

I feel like exploding
I dream and see the waves
crashing against my skin
but if I let go
I don't know
what would happen
so thicken up
and hold it together
for god knows how long.

I feel your engery
your strength
all I want is to
feed off it
but I dont understand
how.
~

who are you
to make me
queasy
with one
word
~

I want your
kindness
hate
and time
but things
are always
way diffrent for us

write,
I tell myself
just write.

Everyone tells me
home is where the heart is.

but my heart is spilt
in many ways.

a piece of my heart,
lives in the waves in hawaii
nestled in the black sand
under a giant, old palm tree
and personally
that is not home

a piece of my heart,
lives in Shelter cove
Among the forestry hills
at enormous red wood trees
I wish that could be my home.
but it sure isn't.

A piece of my heart lives
in the people I have met
It lives within the laughter and tears
with every 'I love you'
and every 'I don't know what to do'
And it will live there for all eternity

A piece of my heart,
lives within the cracks of my family
Each life and each love
its the oldest of pieces
and will be there the longest.

A piece of my heart lives in the mountains
full of snow
full of possibilities
the only place I feel at home anymore
is on the mountain
forever in the snow
forever frozen with love.

I haven't been drawing lately.

but I have been
swimming through a lake
of forgetfulness
and loosing sight of who I was
I forgot
just for a second
that second bleeding into the next
dancing on the edge of change
who am I now?
the same as always?
or a drunken, high, working mess of an adult
but it works being slightly homeless
and falling into something
I wasn't expecting.
Change is different.
and growing up *****
why did I only see this now?

I haven't been drawing
and I need to keep these chubby hands busy
while I am figuring out what we call life.

I haven't been drawing
so I grab a pen
and remember who I was.

I wish I could write a poem
that explains everything
and anything
but it wouldnt make any sense

plus
it would take all the fun out of it,
wouldnt it,
so ill keep you guessing
and ill keep myself wondering
and ill continue to struggle
to write the words
and live the stories
with that small second guessing
in the back of my mind.

Stop
Moving
So
Quickly.
I
Am
Drownding
In
Nothing.

Anything can happen
In those very last seconds.

I stole alcohol today.
Like always.
But this time was different.
Each sip tasted of
Stress, Responsibilities, Lust
Hate, fear and sadness

And yet I kept drinking.
And I wonder why
But I guess that's how It works

That Taste never left my mouth
Even a after the bottle was gone
And everyone went home
And **** was the only cure
And that's when I thought that
Drinking my problems away
Never in my life Tasted so bitter.

I shouldn't hesitate
to do what I must
and yet
I can't bring myself
to perform
that devilish dance

I feel naive
yet,
I know I understand

I took a sip of ***** tonight
before I knew I had to drive
someone else drove us home
even though I was sober
I was touched tonight
but in a friendly way
and cuddled with by two people
but they were both laying on my lap
I laughed today
for a moment
and was sad today
for a while
with days like today
good days look even better

One small night
Has proven
The clevernessof life
And lost ideas
And hidden truths
In plain sight

Don't look back
But if I can't see straight
And the present so dark
How am I suppose to continue
Blindly, I suppose.

When I close my eyes
I see red roses
an droplets in water
so close I could almost touch them
yet just out of reach
no matter how far I go
the roses will always evade my hands
and the pools forever invisible to the touch
the elegance and beauty of the two pulls me in
but in the far lands of my mind
I know that the roses,
are razor-sharp to the fingertips
and the flowing stream,
poisonous to the skin
but I attempt with all my will
to embrace the vibrant roses
and wishing current
with my curious
and simple hands.

When my eyes are open
all I see
is yet to be described.
Such a gracefully pained image,
I'd imagine,
That is to be told.

Have you ever fallen in love for an instant?
For just a moment,
all you want is that person.
For an instant,
everything is frozen.
Then all in the same moment
it all changes back
and life hits you hard
and that person never crosses your mind again
but in the back of your mind
you will always remember that love you had
just for that short second.

If I knew life went So fast
I would have been more cautious
I would have always used a blinker
Always checked my mirrors
Forced everyone to wear seatbelts
I wouldn't have speed that fast
I would have walked a little more
And admired the giant oak trees
And blue cloud dotted skys

I would have looked into your eyes a little longer
I would have sang,
Danced, laughed
And loved a little more

But then again,
I wouldn't have changed anything
For the world
And Thank you for that.

the smoke
stings my chest
but why
shouldn't it?

untold stories
that died in the light of others
and unwrapped presents
missed their chances and
waiting for next year

surrounded by small talk
and friends without meaning
the time that was waisted
can never be taken back

no one to lay in the road with
and no one to stay up late with

I sit on my roof alone
smoking
with a heavy heart
listening to nothing
and the slight breeze stings slightly

live in the sun, and love in the moon

terrible terrible, how nice this summer has been
for the pouring of hearts have been stopped.

for being so surrounded
we are so alone.

I watch the familiar faces
blur to the point of unrecognizable.
And the strange
become normal.
Silently following the story
I want to stop reading
but I am forced to continue.

doors left slightly open
let in bugs
and long cold breezes

forgetting about
closing these doors
is the scarier part.

So many people
floating eyes
and changing emotions
smoke swirling in the air
casting a shadow
over the waterfalls
hiding in plain sight
with lingering smog
mixed ideas
and confused looks
lead to silent nights
streams of embers
where nothing matters much
and things fade slowly
beneath the broken sign to the left
where people disappear
and souls wander.

All I have left is ideas
and scars of the past
and a waiting for whatever it is
a longing soul wishes for

Oh, What a life I lead.

When you don't sleep
Thing start changing
Everything mushes into one
Everyone melts togther
And no one matters
Not that they mattered in the first place
But they don't matter anymore
Nothing matters
No thoughts or memories
Nothing
Not even the finishing of this
Stupid ******* thing
That doesn't even matter.

A longing soul is not one to choose

Being in a state of lonelyness,
Where there is a constant reminder of how hurtful the world and other people can be,
I forget to be cautious when it come to love
I forget that Its something so fragile.

I loved you in a way friends should
I enjoyed our time together
And while ws were together
You were the only one
But I had feelings for another
And the thought of being with anyone before leaving
Was terrifying
So I hid those feelings from myself
And from you too.

But something happened before my journey
That I didn't expect
And what happened is my secret to tell
And my truth
And if you ask nicely
I can tell you the whole truth.
Not a hand me down wonder or thought
But the full truth.

When we grow older will we forget each other?

A question that has buzzed around in my head
beating on my insides
but I am a Capricorn
so I turn around
and avoid that door of thoughts.
and yet those thoughts linger
every time I see you dancing to your own rhythm
and singing your own songs
being who you want to be
and not taking **** from anyone
Those thoughts I hide away
creep out and sink its teeth into
my mind.
~
I never told you how much
I envy you.
your passion is beyond anything I was capable of
and even though it was enough for only one
you still shared with me
and even though you think you are more dependent on me
than I, on you
I would not be the same without you
I would not be who I am today
without you
and even though we can talk about anything and everything
I still cannot show you or tell you the honor I feel
and the love I have that we created
a thing that we call
being best friends.
~
I remember the beginning
starting with an acquaintanceship
in the 6th grade
two stupid kids trying to live a life of homework
and social anxieties
we had this energy together
a connection
that even now I can't explain
and from that acquaintanceship
bloomed a beautiful rose
of a friendship
and from there with the help of six years
a few tears and bruises,
laughs, swears and punches,
compliments and insults,
sleepovers, pillow fights
sneaking out and stories,
and way to many insides jokes,
movie-a-thons, magic tricks,
boys and girls and family,
ripped clothes and naked kids,
bare feet, sun dresses,
cell phones and tree branches,
over exaggerations and airplanes,
travels and sitting on the couch,
stupid questions and stupid answers,
life long lessons and underwear,
Those countless kids, those countless creeps,
drinking, smoking and being sober
and some much more
our friendship became something I never thought I could have
a best friend.
not a normal friend but
a sister I never had.
a person I could always count on.
unlike the countless others in my life.
a person I could/will trust forever.
unlike anyone I know.
someone I can tell my life too
without a second though.
someone I can sing with
knowing I am safe.
someone I can dance with
without feeling weird.
and someone I can do anything and everything with.
and then some.
and with that
I am extremely happy,
extremely lucky and
completely satisfied
that I spent six years of my life with the name of
your best friend.
I love you
and I aways will.


And no.
I would never, ever forget you.
Not in a million years.

Let me tell you a secret

of a dance that is done
one song at a time
with short.
quick.
stops.
and.
an.
abrupt.
end.

and let me tell you of a poem,
with lines that flow like streams full of thoughts, through the poets mind, eyes, lips and mouth.

and let me show you picture
of
     the
           way
                   words
             can
    create
life
      out
             of
nothing.

Let me whisper a thought to you
that can travel
on a simple note.
a single thought.
and yet the most important, you see.

And If you were to draw a picture, would it be bright and cheerful?
Or if you were to write a song, would it be slow and tender?
Or a poem, rhythmic or timed?
Or a whisper,
a soft quiet word
with no intentions or thoughts of its own.
But, you see, A whisper can linger in the air, my friend
and a whisper is not ever left
unsaid.

So let me tell you a secret
you will not likely forget.
about a dance, a song, a poem, a rhyme,
And a promise that was not kept.

My skin is raw
from my hands
from the wanting and waiting
I put on bandaids
and tie my hands
to stop the pain
and redness
but even when I try to stop
I keep on letting my hands
rub my skin raw

30 or so days.
                        I don't know.
take a left here

only 30 days to reply
only 30 days to decied
           leave
              go
 your choice
Another left
left turn please
but its not
it someone else who
chooses
turn left here
please only left
What are you doing with your life?
I
    don't
    Know
what do you want?
 I
    don't
    know.
Where will you go?
 I
    Don't
    Know.
What will happen?
I
     Don't
     know.
turn left and drive on
can you feel the knife
I can
In my back
driving down my spine
turn left again
up this road
to the left
left
left
left
the more you wait
the worst things get
left turn
please
left
and drive through
I will find out
when I get there
to the left again
only lefts
with not one right
not
a single
right
Just lefts
left
left
and turn left
and right on through.

On the last house to the left
there is wall
a wall with a small shelf
and on that shelf
was an assortment of items
a small golden horse,
a single tulip in a blue vase,
a glass deer figurine,
a small box with a small lock,
and a slip of paper.
and on that slip of paper
were a few lines
and in those lines
were words

those words were just letters
those letters just lines
drawn on a paper
with ink
but those words have meaning
in each turn and corner of each letter
in each word
in each line
there was a memory
a thought
a wonder
a truth
that could change
and inspire
help and create

but just like that
it could change
in a choice in that word
but no matter what
that choice of word would be
it still is just a thing
a line and a curve
with a small memory or meaning
just like
the horse
the deer
the tulip
and the box
with a small lock

But the meaning of this line
is none other than the truth
and the truth
that mustn't be told
on this slip
on this shelf
on a wall
in the house
on the left
at the end
of the road

She pulled a lego out from under her back relieving the pain it had been causing for a few minutes. She turns her head to see his dark hair and blue eyes. She couldn't imagine that this boy of all boys would fall-

-off the rock She fell. The hesitancy she had felt caused her to slip and fall. He best friends face blankly watched her fall. She couldn't remember anything about-

-the last time she looked at the house it looked sad. The trees begging for her to stay and the windows screaming don't go. She knew she couldn't stop now she was off to her new life the new life that didn't consist of-

-rain fell hard outside when she figured it out. She was on a blog scrolling through and found a URL that she had seen before. Once she clicked on it she her heart dropped. It was about her. It was a hate blog about her. What did she do to deserve-

-turning to me, 'I am enrolled in the army' he said. I didn't mind because of what happened. The chain of events leading up to this day were to terrible for a child of my age to go through. I had told anyone about this I hadn't thought about it since then. But the thought that it would linger longer than it has haunts her-

-thoughts consist of why am I talking to him again. He ruined my life and ruined my friends life. But I couldn't keep away even while with someone else she still turned to him to attention. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him completely but-

-I have fallen for someone I shouldn't have. I look at him and I feel happy. I look at him and I feel at home. I wish I didn't. I wish I had someone-

I asked for a sign.
I guess this was my fault,
I asked the universe if we should be together and it sent demons after us.
I had a realization today.
I will never not love you.
You were my first love and my only first love.
******* for that.
And I realized that whatever made us start talking was
that we were ment to be together or something of the sort later on in life.
When we can't hurt each other the way we can today.
And when we are more mature,
physically, mentally and spiritually.

Or maybe I am crazy.
And You are crazier.
Making me the craziest.
Yeah.
*******.
I won't forget you
But I can move on.

If I could express my love
I don't think I would want to.
Because it would be too much to take in
And it would be too much to understand.
So I leave it to you.
To imagine.
How much.
I love you.

The
words
you
say
capture
me.

This
is
a
new
feeling.

I
have
fal­***
for
words.

Who are you to do this to me?