Today I had ***
For the first time
and it wasn’t like I expected
I’m sure that’s everyone’s first thought
when we’re beaten with the idea of
grandeur before we can even comprehend the act
Pressure in a foreign place
rotating and grinding, balancing on a fleshy beam
The hard part was getting it in
I thought alcohol would help
but it only made sleep take me
Fresh, crusted eyes and the silence
with rain pattering on roof shingles
and the ceiling creaking with every step above
was all the noise in the background
and all I could think was we needed music
then I thought shouldn’t our breaths be the music?
and the squishing sounds of wetness being slapped?
When you’re older it’s easy to separate *** and love
When you’re older, you’re hardened and care less
In every aspect of your life
Yesterday, I thought it would never happen
But today, I had ***
and that’s all it was

It's surprising I
am no longer surprised
   I am not shocked
I am not fazed
  I've pictured and calculated
every possibility
of every outcome
spooling through the wheel
of the dual-coded reel
  It helps me to feel
like I'm in control
like I'm protected
like I can handle being rejected
   but it's ninety percent ineffective
It's dark in here
this film is wrecked
flashing the same scene
skipping and flickering
as if not meant to resume
  ultimately never to end
I can only pretend
between what I see and what is real
is where I'm meant to be
robotically ethereal

Belting and stretching;
Exercising my soul and
lengthening my reach.

to write feelings is painting
language upon the fabric of time
and space to see your face’s
true expression without alteration
in mirrors or shiny surfaces
get lost in the mirror when you’re
seeing shapes dance—watch your skin
melt and your eyes bulge; fall into
yourself and emerge anew
encapsulate all the good you can do
time-released splendor
swimming through your system
giving temporary wisdom yet
exhausting vision—seeing the world
as it was intended to be seen
vibrant, saturated—nothing unclean
and being crushed by gravity
when your kaleidoscope filter fades
remember the sensations and
wear them as security

Tired, too tired to think anymore
mapping who's taking the bed and who's taking the floor
when it's bedtime for one + one more
I won't sleep easy on the other side of the door
How many drinks was too many for him?
Is she as drunk as he or merely attached to his hip?
Why didn't I drink til my vision blurred
so I wouldn't care to hang on every enunciated word
Stuck on the tricycle, always the third wheel
without an outlet to express the feelings that I feel
I stow away behind my teeth the words I keep because
I'm weak and wish I had the strength to speak,
to know the change I seek
The tension is seeping from my dead eyes and
this endearing disguise will be all you will see

Being bolder by
broadening borders bound by
basic black belts