My first Halloween
alone with my thoughts and no
candy to console

Autumn shade; crinkling
leaves beneath my shoes; woolly
sweaters and berets

Hot flashes
of caring gestures,
warming tender hearts
pass before the act
can commense
Cold chills
of lonliness
visions of pity
spike blood—
prepare for the wave
of debilitating repetition

These days drag on
while I drag on my finely
rolled cigarette of relief
But the relief is only a hazy
mask, fading with every lash
that falls on my cheek
My hair is too weak and
unkempt, for days spent
inside enduring darkness
take a toll on one's
mentality and physicality

I am a shell of who I used to be
Lips stuck together, crooked spine,
fingers jammed from carpel tunnel
Apathetic eyes grow weary from the
vast toxins that reside behind them
seeping through like an absorbent napkin
and rung out with listlessness

These days drag on and on
I hear the same songs
and make the same motions
I miss the fresh air and
the sound of the ocean
I almost miss the faint
smell of burts bees on
your lips--I'm sick with
nostalgia and dying for the future,
hating the present, wishing these
days would drag to an end

Like a foot in between elevator doors,
   you've wedged an opening,
but not quite wide enough to
    fit through
Ambient words of the moment
fill the complacent air
   for far too long
  I wish I could hold us
up to keep you unharmed,
but I'm only the cable hanging us high,
ready to snap with just enough pressure,
  sending you falling to your doom
    while I sway freely

Words have escaped me

There is nothing left to say

I’ve swallowed my emotions

It’s just another day

Another day of self-hatred

For everyone else’s actions

I’m hoarding all the blame,

For I have no distractions

This unnecessary guilt

For things I haven’t done

Is tearing me apart

From myself and everyone

I’m a versatile
  night owl
peering with dark-rimmed eyes
upon my prey, those sorts of guys
that make me quiver
   hairline touch shiver
and pulse with a fervent scene