when I was fourteen
I still felt foreteen
there but not there
here but not here
there but not here
here but not there

I was opposite my opposite
an opposition of opposite
turning my heart
from right to wrong to left again
absent my mind and
immersed in brain
immersed in heart but
lacking soul
immersed in mind but
absent body
lacking sense and finding no joy
spending myself in neverending treasure hunts
the coinage of foreteen going on
fourteen


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

the language of my heart
reduces to symbols
unspeakable
kanjis whose colors are bright
precisely painted
with brushes, imbued with
unknown meanings
as read by blinded eyes
obscured deliberately, without
a key

without
God
a cipher is my heart
a living kanji whose meaning is
undiscoverable
without the cleansing
blood sacrifice of the sang real
a living grail
made unspeakable and holy by
Love


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

my brain puddles as though stopped
soaks in its damp, rising steadily
as though going to some heavenly place
where it’s safe from evaporating
a constancy in reverse

brain storm
fake lightning strikes and thunderings
believes its puddles are wet and deep
believes its windy sky with skudding clouds
believes the wind is stronger than it is
believes it can blow it away
and gust it clean
rainish

the heart knows the truth
Love is stronger and steadier than truth
Love defeats truth
Love defeats evil
Love washes us pristine and pure
knows that rainish is mirage
uncreated
uncreative
uninspired and dis-spirited
knows that

only God is Love


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

sitting in a space surrounded
by rain, I become rainish
I puddle up with distopia
gather rainish-soaked bitter memories
into my heart as though they’re precious
and necessary
my brain acting as rainish gauge
tracking un-data for the un-stats
for making claims like presidential
candidates

the heart knows Truth, knows Love
and never falters nor complains
the heart rests in comfort
like a baby rests in cradling arms
ignores rainish thoughts
and bittered memories
surrounds me with treasured ones
instead
gently leading me back to center

hearting me back to God


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

a road outside the house
rowed itself over the rough
unstable sward
to the end of Time
there to guide all
as though needed
more than Light


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

plucked strings play dooms of love
as my Father moves over them
agonizing
guitar strings into torture
victorious   heated   triumphant
****** sacrifice
crucifixion by melody
made holy despite unimaginable selfishness
wiring His Wounds into connective tissues
through tsunamic surgery
opening ways covered in blood
but we choose to live in our dooms
our pink dooms of disbelief
rose colored glassy, glistering lies
and glossic dooms of disbeliefs

“I am become comfortably numb”


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

black Americans stroll
past my car
on this warm November day
pursuing who-knows-what
as I wait for
who-knows-what to
complete

I’ve forgotten how it feels
to be a child out of
school
these strollers remind me
of those freer times
but
I’m old now and
sensing the end of my long life
not morbid:
practical

and despite that thought
I’m joyous
waiting for
who-knows-what
to complete

because life is more
than thought
and
way beyond death


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

blue-skinned and
divine,
the god moved in play -
maya

then created on two continents
two peoples
of a particular blue -
maya

related
but not

maya blue
brought
them together in spirit
in a blue
that began as maya -
play -

but ended in blue agony
and blue abandonment
as maya became
the Maya

who then disappeared
into the blue


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

dense with stories
written on diaphanous pages
tales of love and dishonor
battles and travelers
torturers and healers
killers
mystical
mysterious
maculate
biblical
-read

fluid with melody
written in grace notes
and notes of grace
on staves like wires on poles
wrenching
beatific
dramatic
sensual
spiritual
-heard

movin­g with color
created in visions
brushed with the fire of gods
dull
plain
painful
exquisite
delicate
beauteous
-seen

touch­ed by angelic hands
formed of the earth
tempered in water
molten
chipped
hammered and carved
to perfection
spatial
dynamic
rounded
softened
crystalline
-containe­d

-felt


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

1.
drawn from the Horeb stone by
Moses when he struck it
to satisfy the thirsting people
water gushed forth and
Moses sealed his fate

quarrel and strife create death

the water of meribah created the
ultimate sacrifice to God
led Moses to the mount to die
only allowed to see the land promised to his tribe
never to cross the river
never to step foot on the land
or to know its freedom
its milk and honey
forty years of service set aside for one unruly act
a sorrow unbearable

yet, the blessing of his service remains


2.
the water of meribah was to be a baptism
marking the finish of wandering
a cleansing of a people wearied of the desert
a breaking of monotony
a blessing
a chance to begin again, pristine
a gift from God to His people


3.
cleanliness is Godliness
trimming your lamp wicks
is preparing for a new life
as a bride
as a groom
as a people chosen by God for Himself
water is Life
necessary to slaking thirst
both temporal and spiritual
water is holy
necessary to washing us of dirts and sins


4.
and the story of meribah teaches us still
listen carefully
be patient when you work
serve diligently
admit your mistake
accept consequences humbly
blame no one else
be grateful to The Eternal One
for your life as a chosen one
and for your death as a humble one


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

my blue eyes
when deeply angered
(too often)

your blue eyes
when I’m dangerously close
to angering you
(too often)

my thin lips
when insulted beyond
my humor

your thin lips
when anyone is insulted

we are so different
and
yet, so similar

I am flesh
you are spirit
ensouled in flesh

my adamantine
is selfish
yours,
un

my path now
to follow
to learn the lesson
of adamantine being,
selflessly


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

there’s a child growing
in me
she moves and kicks
knows my voice - loves its music -
listens to my heart, beneath which
she thrives - loves its rhythms -
urges me to eat hearty
- loves the food I eat -
makes me dance
- loses control when I cut loose -

I remember!
she is the joy I once had
before birth into this spoof
this
virtual reality
this
emotional chaos

there’s a child growing
in me
she will be borne
not born
she is me
my Soul returned
from an exile
too long endured
mourned for
missed
longed for
returned at last from neverland
no longer
a sacrifice to a life unlived


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

a wearied heart dislikes a drawbridge
set to keep one out while letting one in
wearied by the stop and go
of the flow across it and of the flow under it

wearied of the constant up-and-down
pulling up, letting down
the never-ending demand for passwords
the disappointment in the incorrect answers

the fear that it chose wrong
that it will regret this choice
and thus it keeps out more than it allows in
gives more than it gets, which is just enough

just enough to keep it fed by hope
just enough to keep it alive and yearning
just enough of just enough
just enough of only enough

yet, that mustard seed of hope grows,
flowers, then casts more seeds,
fields of hope cover the heart
and Love returns, pure, immaculate

then the bascule ceases its wearying monotony
ceases its thoughtless habitual movements
settles into place, allows the natural flow
of letting-in and clearing-out to commence

beginning with Hope, Gratitude, and Love
ending with Life eternal


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

we have it backwards:
fear of others
when
we are likelier to hurt others first
therefore
be skurred of ourselves
rather than others

then watch how
God enters our lives
on the quietus
gentle
forgiving
watchful
protective

and being skurred
turns to courage and

caring for others
first
last
always


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

is not what we’ve been taught it is
we do not fall In Love
we do not swim in a Sea of Love
with our lover

when we Choose Love
it is a sober decision
made by our heart, not our mind
not merely felt
made not by attraction of any kind

it is a state of being into which we step
being is tangible and alive
it is motion, direction, choice
it is not shifting sand
but consistency - a rock on which to build

falling in is accident
stepping in is purposeful
Love is universal not singular
Love accepts, does not reject
Love cherishes and caresses
it upholds and defends
does not look negatively or judge
it is ecumenical but not religious

Love is neither a cult nor a culture
it needs nothing to engender it
being Is
being In is stepping over a threshold
into ourselves
it is recognizing that we are Love already
and cannot fall into it ever
Love Is Being human
if we would let it


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

a habit comes to its end
when mirrored - if you let it
if the distress of keeping it
nurturing it
doesn’t **** you first
the brain doesn’t let go easily
produces obstacles
relentlessly
forcing a reckoning
a picking apart
a loss of what was

when the releasing ends
justice floods in
pushes the habit off its mooring
ungently
crashes it into the prison walls
breaking it apart to make
a puzzle of it and
sorting begins:
does any of it fit anymore?

justice completes the reckoning
sorts the habit’s habits
into piles
and crushes them to dust
dust to dust to nonexistent
who is this being now?
no one
everyone
potential
as a child is potential
while the glory of the habit
of the Ichabod
becomes anonymous
and the Heart takes over


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

strike the belled brain
no resonance -
melted life out of Life
then keeps the lifeless
inactive -

testing faith

caress the tingling soul
exciting neurons -
flowed love into Love
then renders it into joy
dancing -

with faith

punch the reckless body
bringing forth blood
mingling hurt with fear
black then blue
running -

without hope

paddle the floating canoe
breaking the water’s surface
rippling it into waves
streaming a wake
gently -

moving in faith and hope

toward


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

there burns midst a
soul
within the breadth of
holiness

a starry fire
to
birth itself
of living Light

and enflame the
mystery
of holiness
hidden within the heart-rose

which
like the water lily
rises from depth
unknowable

from heated unknowable
depth
from infinite unknowable
holiness
from burning intimate
creation

amidst us


c. 2023 Roberta Compton Rainwater

truth begets Truth
trust begets Trust
Life begets seed
seed begets life
Life begets Life
life begets life

like attracts like

there is no versus
no againsts
what is created here
is matched
whether perceived right or wrong

Like attracts Like

as a child grows
and develops
so its soul allows
when guidance is missing
or when it isn’t

like attracts like

give your heart to God
follow His Heartsong
alone
then all the titfers
become only Tats


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

don’t give up on me
please
You are my heart
my reason to be
keep me ever in Hand

don’t give up on me
please
You are the Soul of my soul
my reason for life
keep me ever in Hand

don’t give up on me
please
You are the Keeper of my being
I surrendered my will to Thee
keep me ever in Hand

don’t give up on me
please
You are my eternal prayer
I surrendered my ease to Thee
keep me ever in Hand

guide me
please
through this hard and tortuous existence
that I might kneel to Thee in Heaven
where You will
keep me ever in Hand


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater

it was excruciating to watch
the boiling in oil
listening, though never a sound was made
nor a struggle against

excruciating
to see a skinless man crawling over stones
silent as a sleeping lamb
blind yet fully bright

excruciating
to watch as he signed
asking for writing materials
then, on his stomach, begin to write

as though he still has fingers
as though he still has eyes

his story is a vision
written with spirit fingers
and eyes
listening to the Inner Voice

the only sounds
the scratching of a stylus across papyrus
and the sighing of Breath
as he listens


c. 2024 Roberta Compton Rainwater