If I were a sound
I would be the sound
of wind
forgotten amidst
the cacophony of life
but ever present
whipping through the trees
surrounding you
in the distant sound
of far away places

If I were an animal
I would be a mouse
quiet
so as not to be found
but living with you
in the wall
the floor
anywhere you won't look
I don't wish to be seen
so I scurry
living off the scraps
of my housemate

If I were a number
I would be the number
eleven
two thin lines
that are ignored when factoring
lost in the scramble
to scribble down notes
two lines that are
separate
but the same
and sometimes distant

If I were a person
I would be the person
in the back
head down
hair in my eyes
so no one sees
the truth that lies
in them
That I am
the wind
I am
a mouse
the number eleven
that I would be
in the back

But I'm not
because you put a hand up
to block the wind
bought a cat
to **** the mouse
were dividing by two
so didn't need eleven
and looked back
in class
and sneered
at the person there

I keep waiting for something to happen
but it doesn't.

I love you more than
every star in the sky.

I can still hear the way you say my name.

Start
where my world had ended
ten years have passed
but the sights
sounds
feel hasn’t bended.
I still can picture
like a photograph of the past
the tree that marked
the step that was my last
before the world disappeared
into the land of unknown
at the age of seven
in the woods
all alone

My mind froze
like the ground in October
as I gazed out past my tree
my line
the Pacific to a kid who was trembling all over.
I turned from the place that had been told to me
as being the limit
of where I was allowed to be.
The queen
the leader
the one I call Mom
the one who I’d been trained
to think had known all
requested,
NO
commanded,
that “I shall not pass”
but she was the Balrog
and I was Legolas.
But still,
I was scared
trained to trust in the words
but oh
how my heart ached and how it yearned
to be set free
from these boundaries on Earth.
In the mind of a child
Up
up
was away
so I began to climb
And I'll climb to this day.
From the branches I’d gaze
out across the fields
and the trees and the blades
Weren't  green
they were black
as if cast in a shadow
about to attack.
I screamed, inside
outside I fell,
from the branches
of my mind
no rope
not a repel.
Fast was the descent
for I caught myself
on the truth of the words I had heard from
no one else.
They were mine,
not the queen’s
not the leader’s
not my mom’s
and the fact that they weren’t
made them seem twice as strong.
No field could haunt me,
No field could do harm
so as I envisioned prior
I began my journeyed on.
Past the tree,
past the line,
past the Pacific of my mind
and into the darkness
that was only black through the blinds.
For all I had to do was draw them back
and then i could see,
that past my line,
my Pacific,
there was nothing but more trees.

So now,
seventeen
I journey back to the place
at the edge of my ocean
that is an ocean I now crave.
The point past the tree,
past the line I had drawn
and into the green,
and the light
and the thoughts
that now come to mind
not of fear or
of doubt
but of joy
and of fun
and I can’t live without
the knowledge that the tree
that has meant so much to me
instead of a line
is
an ocean,
My sea.

Doors close, slide the bolt
turn around and drop your shorts
Finally, you have some peace and quiet
to sit and think and take some time
there is always something you can do
either think or play or leave some stool
You see some writing on the wall
Like, "She's so hot" or "**** it all"
so take a pen and add your own
if there's something I like
I'll sign it Sloan.
So you know that I was here or that I agree
It's like free writing, no monitoring.
Or perhaps you hear another voice
and find discomfort in your choice
to select here, and not another
while you take some time to sit and wonder
Or **** some time
Or perhaps to cry
Hope this guy's not the constipator
Cause this stall right here
It is my lair

I don't remember...
Days lost with nothing to do
working
bettering
working
on one thing
or another
I can't remember

I do remember...
Sleepless nights
dreamless
restless
dreamless
From sun down
to sun up
I remember

I don't remember...
Knowing what to do next
who to be next
where to be next
why I need to change
I can't remember

I do remember...
Who told me to change
why I should change
how I should change
what I should change
I remember

Now you remember...
Who I am
what I am
why I'm that way
who made me this way

Now do you remember?
I will never forget
forget why
forget when
forget how
forget what
forget who

I will never forget
That it was you

Awake.
Endless days
that turn dark,
then light,
then dark again.
Much like life
dark
light
dark
hoping the lights get turned back on
but knowing that the power is out.

Surfaces portray characters
just as my favorite book does
To look past is to see depth
in water as black as night
Unattainable only through
lack of effort
Try harder
Work harder
Be harder
Are commands we hear
Day in
Day out
What if I can't
What if I have
Tried hard
Worked hard
Been hard
And each time I've been
Out done
Not strong enough
Broken
You can't see this in the surface
All you see is your strength
And I like it that way
Cause it means you
Don't see my weakness

Con spirito
By days
then weeks
then months they go
Bouncing around in my mind
spiccato
Refrain from hope
Don't trust in those
Markings telling you to go
fast or slow
Allegro or adagio?
Make up your mind and
tell me so
I can come off of the strings
col legno
Pianissimo
to a crescendo
and steal away
in ritardando
Rest.

No man is an island,
but some are surrounded by water
just offshore
away from land.

Maybe we are bridges.
A golden gate or Brooklyn
or perhaps just a wood plank
here to join you to the world.

I am a peninsula,
joined only by one,
attached by but a thread
tenuously perched on the verge of seperation.
Drowning in salt water,
but saved by a bed of flowers.
Securing me to a place I see only from a distance.

Others are continents.
Surrounded by everything
home to many.
The lucky ones who are always full,
joined and attached.
Only a few live this way

No man is an island,
some are bridges,
others peninsulas.
Only the lucky ones are the mainland.

Bottomless
Endless
Nothing can make it stop
I free fall
And it's all
I can do to not
Lose myself
For someone else
Who is equally lost
We clasp our hands
And without command
Relinquish every thought
Touch sends me spinning
Words are so thrilling
I have been caught
Falling

Summer came and went
And with it my soul split and shattered
You threw the rock
But held the welder to put me back together
I reflected only what was there
And there wasn't much
So I became a window
Birds flew and grass grew
But I was stuck
Rooted to the spot as if I were an oak
Weighed down by branches
That gave nothing but took all
No leaves grew
Only thorns
And I was protected

Summer came and went
And ended as it began
Broken
Branches snapped
Thorns dulled
And I was left
Grass withered
Birds flew south
Trees were cut for fire
And I was no different
Ragged, I waited for summer to return
But when you did
You only went
Summer came
But no longer

I can't remember how to say
Everything that's in my head
The words that I believe by day
Slip through the cracks when I lay in bed
They sit on the tip of my tongue
But dance away before they are formed
Gone, before it has even begun
As if from my mouth they were torn
Past, deceased, die
Come from my lips as if there is a bond
But I....
Gone

See the sadness in my eye, if you took the time to look
But most people believe the lie, sinker line and hook
Embarresed to talk bout the feelings in my mind
So I internalize it all, get used to it in time
But the darkness never fades, it is always on the edge
Looking at these lines, that are dropping A from read
The scars will never disappear, remind me of my past
Even though I have moved on from that, fear that they aren't last
Still plague me in my dreams, wether waking or asleep
So I try to ignore the demons creeping out of me
They escape in time alone, but surrounded I'm no better
Short sleeves it's apparent, kinda like my scarlet letter
D for depression or M misunderstood
People say they're here to help, but tell me how you could
Do you get the pain I live with? Is it something you understand?
Do you lay awake at night, with a razor grasped in hand?
Does your arm run red, when the worlds too much to bear?
Or do you have another means to get you out your head?

So don't tell me you get it, sympathy for me's no good
Rather when you see me with my headphones on and hood
Don't tell me that it's nothing and don't think that you know better
Cause chances are there's reason behind wearin long sleeved sweaters
I don't mean to be scarin kids or give the wrong impression
It's just the more you know, the more you'll understand depression

It's sad how no one gets it, get judges it's so offensive
Like an expletive instead of answering a question
It's me, my scars my life
Not you, your kid your wife
Your ******* a bit too tight
Try to loosen up inside
Cause it's not your life that's ******
Not your problem you're in luck
Never wish this **** on anybody, no ifs ands or buts
Tormented by day, live with terror in the night
Cause the shade envelopes me no matter how I fight
Just gave up, my wall collapsed
Defenses didn't last
So I caved in let the darkness have a blast
Say it's just phase, **** I wish that **** were true
But it disappears then returners stronger in a day or two
The numbness creeps up higher, reaching for my brain
Then finally it's became part of every nerve and vein
Encompasses my body and it takes over control
Until the days fade together, looking like a blur
This is not a joke, you just probably don't know
Ive been dealin with this it's begun to take a toll

So don't tell me you get it, sympathy for me's no good
Rather when you see me with my headphones on and hood
Don't tell me that it's nothing and don't think that you know better
Cause chances are there's reason behind wearin long sleeved sweaters
I don't mean to be scarin kids or give the wrong impression
It's just the more you know, the more you'll understand depression

I get so **** frustrated when I hear these people hate
About how weird those scars look, they don't take a second or wait
Try to figure out the meaning, or the reasoning behind
All the anger or the sadness that could cause the kind of drive
That would force the decision to drag across your skin
A razor or a knife or a lit cigarette end
But to me that **** means something that to you it never could
Because livin it myself has brought me closer to
The truth that lies beyond what these people have forgot
It's not your place to judge anyone who's cut
Cause chances are your wrong, and you probably make worse
Cause from experience that won't make them think first
It's just another reason to be done with your surroundings
To disappear inside and become hard as granite
To live to die to choose
Some alleviate with *****
While others turn to pills or *** to get them out the mood

So don't tell me you get it, sympathy for me's no good
Rather when you see me with my headphones on and hood
Don't tell me that it's nothing and don't think that you know better
Cause chances are there's reason behind wearin long sleeved sweaters
I don't mean to be scarin kids or give the wrong impression
It's just the more you know, the more you'll understand depression

Dearest friend,
I can see the end
It is more exciting than just death
It is what is best
For me, for you, and everyone
I lack the urges to go on
The darkness that surrounds my mind
Consumes me all the time
It is all I see, all I hear
It comes through crystal clear
I know that you don't see it
But behind my skin I'm bleeding
From invisible cuts I give myself
As well as those that others dealt
My brain has gone, and feelings with it
To the point I can't pretend it's
Not my life, and not my end
But, my dearest friend

It is

Tomorrow becomes today while you sleep
Today fades to yesterday and
Reality becomes a distant memory
Forgotten amidst the shapeless space
Confined behind closed eyelids
Worlds are constructed and demolished in a single moment
Making way for impossibilities that we have created
Hours become mere moments
And mere moments last an eternity
Fireworks play in your mind
Each explosion of color a different universe to explore
Dreams become more than images
Sounds
Sensations
Inexplicably run while you sleep

Dreams turn acidic
Melting away the past and present
Holding the future at an arms length
While worlds spin casually

Reality bends and shatters
Fragments become shards become specks
And fade to past memories melting away
Until all that remains is the present

One second is infinite as it bleeds
To an eternity
But ends at the exact moment the next begins
What remains is mesmerizing and immaculate

That was that moment
And this is this moment

Looking back at sunsets, we lost track of the time
To younger years
Younger years to time shared

I've walked the line, a million and one ******* times
To darker days
Darker days to time shared

Tried to forget me, but not the time
To

Hearing the drum pounding out of time