These inkstained fingers
bare my soul
naked and spiralling
I deceive myself with your memory.
It was you,
the first touch
on naked flesh
too young to grasp
the magnitude.
It was I
that loved your every breath
never questioning that I belonged
right there
within the warmth of your laugh.
It was time
that showed me it was a lie.

We were
the most beautiful lie
ever told.

Oh to live amongst the glitter of stars
In unbroken velvet silence.

I am safe here
surrounded by my fortress
impenetrable to all but your smile.
If I were to tear it down at the sound of your laugh
Would you run?

They tell me I'm bipolar
I'm not sure what that means
other than my life is ruled
by council run care teams
They tell me to stop cutting 
They tell me not to jump
I'm quite surprised they don't take notes
each time I take a dump
They worry I'm too happy
then panic when I'm low
at this point my emotions
have nowhere else to go.

They say I'm schizophrenic
and part of me agrees
The other part is not so sure
and screams at all she sees
They say I'm not "engaging"
as I sit here on my bed
but engaging isn't easy
with these voices in my head.
so they fill me with their poison
in many coloured pills
Some to cure the side effects
but none to cure my ills.


I am not a list of symptoms
I'm a person brave and true
but life dealt me it's harsher cards
so now I'm muddling through
I wish you'd seen me better
before all this took hold
I wish you'd heard my laughter
when I was free and bold
Most of all I wish you wouldn't judge as you walk by
or give me sympathetic looks with deep well meaning sighs.

In the end we're all just people
struggling on this mortal coil
some bury feelings deeply
while some bring them to the boil.
The moral to this poem,
for I know this much is true
all walks of life have lingered here
Someday "I" might be " you".

On a stool he sits
at the beer sticky bar
his face deep furrows
his eyes sad pools once aflame
lost in memories of vigorous youth
and hearts broken.
Nicotine stained fingers tremble
and seek purchase on the cold unyielding glass.

He remembers the gleeful shouts of boyhood
all muddy hands and scraped knees
lollipops and liquorice
tally-**'s and triumphs
before the end.

He remembers a girl
bright eyed and winter wild
wrapped in lace and garlands.
and the dreams they shared of things to come.
He remembers tiny fingers, laced with his
and sleep-warm milky breath against his cheek,
his reflection in adoring eyes
before the end.

He remembers arguments won and wars fought
friends lost in battles raw
young men returning with torn futures
their glory but a murmur
before the end.

He breathes a fractured sigh in memory of ghosts
and gossamer thin echoes
His long dead comrades at his shoulder now
beckoning him away, for they know his time is nigh
" once more" he whispers in silent hope
Before the end.

Am I destined to always wander
in search of a love long passed?
Me, your bold and broken youth
You, my ever present ache.

If I could wish anything for you
I'd wish for a world where you are loved always
Your laughter it's most precious sound
Your smile it's most wondrous gift
The quest for your heart
It's most fabulous adventure.

Counting hours between seconds
Smiles between whiskey-warm sighs
As all between us is lost
In sideways glances and silent contempt.