I feel so out of control
I feel like everyone thinks the worst of me
Constantly not knowing what they know of me
Knowing even if they don't know it yet i know it deep inside of me and it kills the best parts of me.
These things i only wanted to try
Like a temporary fix for all this *******.
God knows i never meant to hurt anybody.
But it's funny how the way you think things will play out is only stereotypical to the real thing....
It's crazy how after it happens its ALL your mind is controlled by.
And I hate it how I don't really know how to feel about things.
Do I smile when you say you FINALLY don't want me anymore and I want you.
Do I scream to the top of my lungs with hate when you say what I did wasnt that bad.
I don't  know how to feel when I sit in church.
I can't even look at you in the eye.
So I fog up reality with the tears i cry inside.

You slipped right through my fingers
(I never really had you any way)

I could swear up and down you don't care for me. It makes things so much easier.

Flashback to you kissing my freckled cheek while I'm asleep. Telling me words I've save for later. I'll turn them over and over in my head like worry stones.

Flashforward to you sitting with me in a crowded place. "We're just friends," you say evenly. I try my best not to squirm. Because we were never just anything.

I knew I'd pay the price for this. But who was I to give up a body that fit so well into mine?

You dowsed my ribs in gasoline when you first spoke words of your affection. You consistently threw lit matches at me.

Now you recoil and Jesus Christ, how do I begin to put myself out?

Do I even want to?

You show me a match you've saved for later. I don't know if able to reconstruct myself for the hell of it just to watch it burn later

Don't think I wasn't destructive before you. I am, and I will be infinitely. I am thinking of how my smoke built up in your lungs. Exhale now. Doing what's best for all involved parties.

"Do you know what it was like being around you, knowing I couldn't hold you?"

In that moment I'm certain somewhere in another life I would have loved you. Because all I ever wanted was the kind of romance I could write about it. The kind of sadness and longing that settles behind your ribs. If it had been a book I would've dog eared us and wept. But this is my life, real life and I can't just this back on the shelf.

I'm tired
Tired of breathing the same polluted air
Tired of seeing the same cut down forest
Tired of being cooped up in the same room everyday
Tired of, not life in general
But the one i am living right now
Tired of the same town the same city the same people

I need fresh air, not oxygen
I need books to love not books to read
I need dreams, not expectations
I need to be away
Even for just a little while

The thought
Of missing something more real outside there
Is a torture
I could see so many places
I could live so many lives

But instead
I'm living my life in circles
Obliged to be where i am
To do what i am supposed to
One step out of the circle and anything is possible
I could be free

But i guess that wouldn't happen
For I'm too much of a coward
A poor excuse

Strangers running through time,
To and fro, searching.  
Once again it happens,
The distance between us fades,
Fades but for a moment,
A moment that turns into a minute,
A minute turns into hours,
Hours turn into eternity,
Eternity that lasts for only just the moment.  
But the meeting we had,
The time we shared,
Is all but a dream to me now.  
Time has slipped through our fingers
and once again my friend
Time is running away.

They say you hurt
The ones you love
The most.
I wonder how true
That must be.

I can't even bear to think
Of hurting you.
Yet you give out hurt
Like its a hobby.

With all the pain
You've put me through
You must love me
More than I could ever
Love you.