You told me to text you whenever I got home safe,
Well I hope you're willing to wait,
Because I'm not really sure where home even is anymore,
Better yet you're better off thinking I passed away,
It's been a long time since I caught a buzz off of love,
All I've been knowing lately is heartbreak,
All I've been looking forward to lately is yesterday,
Nostalgia eating me up like my happiness is at stake

I never knew Sadness until Happiness decided it was time to part ways,
She was a drug over and over I was willing to take,
She made my whole body feel like a gun and She made the whole world look gray,
She convinced me that colors were only out to get me,
It's crazy how little it takes

I can still see the fear in Her eyes and I can still feel Her heartbeat,
She's scared,
She knows She won't last long so She's doing the best She can with what She's got,
She's got a tiger in Her spine and fire coming out of Her face but She won't last long here,
It never really lasts long here

She's the kind of girl you take pictures of when you're in a museum looking at pictures of what once was,
She's here and She knows it,
That's the sad part,
Nothing happy about this,
Not a lot,
Not even a little,
Riddle me with birds and bees and I still wouldn't be able to tell you who I've stung and,
Please,
When She enters the room, give all of your attention to Her feet,
If I don't get on my knees She'll make this way worse than it has to be

I'm not sure how or when it gets better,
Or if sadness (I mean she) goes away,
All I know is that to this day, I've been sitting here, waiting,
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Happiness, again
Will show Her face

I was raised a pacifist but I swear I'd fight my head until the cops come in,
Hope the demons come to get me, pray the Lord will come and take me,
Even my own friends hate me but I don't give a ****, I wish it'd end, I'll go out without a safety and I'll regret nothing

Up for what seems like three days,
I don't go to class like I'm supposed to on week days,
Mama, I promise I wanna learn but I can't remember anything for the life of me,
I'm too busy spending my time forgetting,
Throwing my head against the wall,
Face down in the dirt trying to figure it out,
Surrounded by fallout, drinking water from the rotten ground,
A smile from ear to ear but none of it's real, I'll drown in the creek before I tell you how I really feel

All I know how to do is breakup,
It's just so hard to make a makeup,
It's fake when I look up,
Look down, I'm hungry, eat the paper,
Recycle the words, been here for days, throw up the takeout,
You make my skin feel *****, enough to breakout,
It's all in a day's work, you know?
Being a wreck, but I can't complain too much because I'm the creator

Sundays are my sad days and Mondays are my bad days and Tuesdays are my mad days and Wednesdays are my glad days,
Another half week down the drain,
I give, you take, you're real, I'm fake,
You say I'm too much to handle but a little glue and some feathers, baby, I could be your angel,
I'll fight your demons faster than you can say Amen,
Hey man, it's me again, thought I'd stop by and let you know that I love you and you're a good friend and I hate seeing you so sad, so let's get some lunch soon,
But we both know I'll never see you again

I wanna feel it in my skin, be intoxicated, grow flowers from the roots of my veins and crush my bones into powder used to polish the statues I made of you, when I see them I just want to scream louder,
Louder until it's all over and the lights are off because I've lost power, see, there's a storm coming and it's raging harder than I ever have and the skies are getting darker than my heart ever has been

Loopholes in the soft sand,
Broke down but I still can,
Imagine a point in time when I never wanted any of this to end,
How childish of me to waste time giving a **** about the fakes and the loose ends,
Got good friends but I'm still down,
Got bad vibes but I still smile,
Got a lot to give but I'll only give a little,
Because I'm scared,
And that's natural

I just want to keep it coming until they have to stop me,
I just want to let them know that there's no hell without a heaven, I'm looking down the barrel, sniffing lead, wishing for poison, go ahead, let it be, I'm going a hundred miles an hour,
I may or may not be their guy and I do know I'm lying, but I've never told a lie

The moment we say enough is enough is the moment we die

I know when you lick your lips you can still ******* sadness

I know this because when I lick mine I can still taste yours

A mixture of honey and heartbreak

Sometimes thick, sometimes runny

But still there nonetheless

And I know it isn’t going anywhere for either of us

But it’s important to enjoy it before it’s gone

Yeah, it hurts, but it’s so sweet

I could kiss your body so hard my nose bleeds

Or we could stay up for weeks and find each other’s tongues on the back of our teeth

Whatever makes us comfortable enough

I want to be your sentient being,
Wrap me up in cold air,
Breathe a breath and blow out your hot air,
You melodramatic superstar,
Whisper me into song,
There, you lie alone in your gray hair,
Old enough to know better but young enough to not care

Drown me in whatever you call all of that,
It’s hard to see through and it’s warm to the touch,
Bruised up and blue black,
Filthy dripping, tongues wrapped,
I want to suffocate, ******* kisses that make my lungs black,
Cigarettes at the dinner table,
Fork and knife both like cheek bones,
One of us is going to lose here

Tell me those nothings that make me feel better,
Keep me tethered,
Keep me floating around you like a feather,
Slick as leather,
Less is more and more is better

Keep me feeling like a ******* monster,
Let me into your guts and I’ll let you into mine,
I get this strange feeling every night where it feels like nothing’s ever going to get better

I want so badly to be vulnerable,
Untouchable yet envious of touch,
I have learned how badly it hurts to become,
And after I *** I will leave you immediately,
I know so much of everything and I get so sick to beat of the drums,
I want to rip our chests open and use our ribs like xylophones to the tune of rock n roll suicide,
I have become all or nothing,
Do or die

I have learned the Death Dance,
I call it Human,
I have never learned to love,
I’ve never known Cupid,
Yeah, I love the taste of blood,
Especially when it’s humid,
Always beating myself up,
I always ******* do this

Now it’s 1am, I’m drunk again, listening to Andrew Jackson Jihad, blacking out on my floor again, again, again, and again,
There are stars above my head

To the heavens, we are going home,
To the hells, we are burning everything that hurt us and after that we will burn ourselves too

We will grow to become so beautiful

You might as well just burn me with that magnifying glass
I'm better off dead than being searched for, or at least that's what my skeletons have told me
What do they know though, they're just piles of ash
However, everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash, so it does make me wonder

The sun rays cascade into a quiet valley, not a soul in sight
I am a house built between two hills, or for lack of a better term, between a rock and a hard place
The lights are on but no one is home
If someone were to go looking, they'd find me inside the caves of my mind
Bar fights, fist fights, blood all along the lines
My head is a rather filthy place to stop by
I'd stay away if I were you

However, you aren't the first, and you most definitely won't be the last
I may be a wreck, but this is only a little bump in the road
Once it's my turn to go, I'll never stop again
The gasoline I've been filled with will drive me for years
You left and I've been a little twisted ever since
What else can a broken man do besides cope the best he knows how

I wish you'd come back so I could beat the **** out of you for what you've done to me
Let's be honest here though
We both know I wouldn't touch you
Not because I would be scared to
Mostly because acid rots flesh and your skin is more acidic than your personality ever could be

I wish I could bury you and dig you back up again
Maybe that way you'd know what it feels like to be covered in dirt that you can't get out of
If history repeats itself then I guess I'll learn to roll in my grave
Nothing's funny, I just want you to know how it feels to have someone turn their back on you

A hundred years from now I'll be nothing but a pile of ashes
You know what they say though
Everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash
My youth was a raging wildfire that didn't stop for anyone
You weren't the first and most definitely won't be the last

Lace up,
Mask up,
Speak up,
It is now or never,
I am not yours and you are not mine,
The sky is for the taking and the ground is for the shaking,
We ride until dawn and we take it all without stopping,
I take the thoughts hostage and I'll be ****** if I ever let them go without some kind of revenge,
I'm a sickened ******* madman with nothing to lose and one by one I'll rip off all of the bandages,
I'll let the blood spill and pool into puddles on the cement and I'll step through every single one of them without giving a ****, and that's a promise

The war is hardly over, in fact it's just beginning and I fear we've only seen the half of it, we've only scratched the surface,
Brothers, hold your sisters,
Fathers, love our mothers,
We don't have much time, but we do have the fire

I'm going to set the whole ******* world on fire,
Not even your god can stop us,
I'm going so fast, not even the rails can hold us,
Tie me down and watch me suffer, I love it like this,
I'll break my own heart, I don't need your help with it,
I'll spit in the reaper's face and dare him to take me, we all know he wouldn't do a ******* thing about it or else we'd be gone, a dead rose blinking,
Thinking ruins everything and by that I mean I'll never stop thinking,
I'll never stop the swinging, I'll never come clean and by that I mean I'll never stop wreaking

I've fallen head over heals for the daughter of happiness,
She does that thing with her lips that gets us all heated,
I'm talking about sadness, the mistress of the century,
We are more broken now than ever and I ******* live for this,
Without it I am nothing,
I guess you could call it a problem but I'm problematic so what's the difference

I know you love me but I'm not in a position to reciprocate and I'm sorry for that but there's just a lot happening,
A broken jar without someone to pickup the pieces,
A research paper written about love but I can't even finish the ******* thesis

Everything is ***** and everything is muddy but I can't be beaten,
I've been drowning for a while now because I don't want to look for a beacon

I love it like this, trust me, it doesn't seem like it but I have my reasons

I'm sorry until I'm not and I'll fight until it stops, I'm a mess and I'm leaking, this war will last through every season

And at the end of it, I will be the only one standing

Dear Family Man,
I used to want to follow in your footsteps until I realized doing so would mean that I'd have to believe that the list of human rights in our country should be as short as the cooker cutter length of the grass on our front lawn

Family Man,
Why are you so scared of diversity

Family Man, why do you believe in religious freedom until any other religion besides Christianity is mentioned

Family Man, why do you believe that Jesus was white and that he preferred guns and judgement instead of love and acceptance

Family Man, why do you not understand the difference

Family Man,
You'd rather see a perfectly polished white picket fence than see the future of this country pickup signs and picket to try and finish the job you never started, create a future for generations, because they realize the **** that's happening doesn't make any sense

Family Man,
**** those illegal immigrants who are hopping our border to work the jobs that YOU'RE too lazy to WORK

Family Man,
**** those refugees that want to run away from the war that WE created, right?

Family Man,
We love equally but above all else we love money, and we'll do anything we can to get it,
We don't give a **** about anyone else,
Your family is needy, but I guess you're just a little too greedy,
You keep feeding them but they're always hungry because the only food you believe is important is oil,
How could your children be hungry for anything else?

Family Man,
Oppression is for people who won't grow up and face the world for themselves, it's their fault,
I don't know why your children even care though, right, just keep on lying, telling them that nothing Donald Trump is doing right now is going to affect their lives personally

Family Man,
Capitalism has you ******* your own ****, but you've grown to love it,
You'll give power to anyone that promises to bring this country back to when it was great, when we had slaves, when we neglected everyone who wasn't like us

Now you've got what you wanted, but there's a hell of a lot more problems, but don't you worry,
Family Man, it's the new normal

It's a great day at the White House

The moon is on fire,
The earth is on fire,
Her hair is on fire,
Her body, is on fire,
I wanna put it all out, but I can't touch her,
I can't kiss her anymore, I can't feel her anymore, I can't look at her anymore, because it hurts,
It all hurts,
We gave and we took and we loved and we broke

A quick bump up the nose, straight to hell and never looking back,
I wonder what it was that made her never look back,
Was it the ring slipped off her finger or was it the abuse that still lingered,
I leaned in quick to kiss her and I swear not a single force on earth could stop the trembling in her fingers

Eyes like a hawk,
Eyes blood shot,
Eyes with tears in the dark,
Eyes with locks,
Eyes that'll tear you apart,
She's seen some ****,
I just wanna know who it was that played the part,
Who shot the arrow, who turned the lights off,
Who didn't give a **** when a single **** was all she could've ever needed,
Who cut the circulation, who choked her enough to never let another breathe near her,
Who stole her

I've lived so uncomfortably, darling comfort me,
Comfort me,
Look at it in its face,
Stare at its eyes,
Smell it,
Taste it,
Love it,
Hate it,
Become everything it's afraid of,
Become everything it loves,
Be weary of it,
Embrace it,
Think about it,
Think less of it,
Trust it,
Never trust it,
Never **** it,
Never,
**** it

I'm exhausted,
My head is cloudier than the thunderstorms you made,
My teeth are yellow from pack after pack of cigarettes,
I'm exhausted,
My liver hates me more than my grandfather hated running out of alcohol,
I can't tell anyone that I love them,
Heaven forbid I trust anyone,
I can't stop apologizing,
I'm exhausted,
I can't keep my bandages on,
I can't clean my blood up,
I'm exhausted,
I'm never satisfied, I don't know how to be, and I so badly want to be tough


Come back to bed, you're thinking too much

These ships have seen rougher waves
In other words, these ships have sailed

I want to drink *** at the helm
I want to tell the ones around me that I feel like king of the world
I want to feel like king of the world

Welcome to the sea port of wrecklessness
We welcome all who are willing to lose themselves in the midst of it all

Gunpowder and ballrooms
We don't take this as serious as we should
I am surrounded by flashing lights and loud bangs
Loose cannons, they are walking the plank just for the hell of it
I have wanted to call this place my home for so long

Now I am finally here and I can't even find the strength to stay calm on these stormy waters

It feels like my ships have sailed
I shouldn't have to feel in charge
I shouldn't be the one to steer the helm
My lungs shouldn't have to bear this
My hands seem so tired
I seem so tired

I have a sailors mouth
but a first mate's broken heart

Welcome to the seaport of warmth
We welcome all who want rehabilitation
Come to us if you need a place to rest your weary head
We will shield you from the flashing lights and loud bangs
I have always called this place my home

I was never as wreckless as I wanted to be

I was never a pirate, I never wanted to be
The sea is as open as my mind
Sometimes it feels nice, other times not so much
I don't remember the last time I wasn't lost

I have been searching for this treasure my whole life, but I can't seem to get out of Davey Jones' Locker

By the time they have all moved on, I will be a hundred feet deep in the dark of the ocean
My ships have sailed

Think about those around you
Think about what God was thinking about when he made this world

Did he intend on creating a utopia,
or did he know that his creation would spend their entire lives dealing with all of this

I wonder if he took a second glance when that woman lost her husband of 54 years to the same cancer that took her daughter away,

That man who overdosed yesterday had a grandma that made him cookies and milk when he was a young child,
That same grandma also took him to church last Sunday morning,
And when the pastor ended that service, the man walked up to the pastor with tears in his eyes and asked if there would still be room in his heart for Jesus, even if he didn't have his life completely together yet

When we were young, we dealt with everything in such a nonchalant way
We looked at our mothers and fathers without judgement,
We didn't even question what made our fathers yell at our mothers,
We just went with it

When we grew up, everything became reality
We began to see our problems as what they actually are
We no longer see them as mild inconveniences, because they're more than that now,
The problems make themselves known
We have no choice but to feel it, even when we don't want to

It isn't now that we give up, it isn't ever
**** this, we are better than this
We will live on, and on, and on, and never let up
We will give it hell and we will show them just what we are made of

It isn't the mild inconveniences that define us,
We are more than that

It is the 5:30am cold nights drenched in hard liquor and broken hearts,
It is the song that comes blaring on the radio while driving 75 in a 55,
It is the second pack of cigarettes that are blown out of your window as you drip paint onto the new canvases you just spent your entire paycheck on,

It is real life,
It is the air you breath,
And it is the way you walk

This is not me, this is not my life, these are not me, these are not my life

There is a full moon out tonight and all of the ghosts inside of us are freeing themselves to fight the battles they weren’t allowed when they were alive,
One time I set my house on fire just to see how long it’d take me to get out,
But I lie awake in bed and refuse escape,
I guess we all have our flaws,
Sometimes they’re better off asleep than awake,
Sometimes it’s better to keep it all inside than say anything at all,
I often wonder why it took me so long

I often wonder how long it’ll take me to bleed,
Will I be the one with the knife or will it be someone else’s blame?
I can’t really say, I can’t really say anything at all

I’ll lay awake in this bed and light the candles to my own funeral,
These thoughts seem to have been dead for centuries,
When it comes to having faults, I’ve been on a roll for days,
It’s safe to say

It’s safe to say, really,
You’re protected here,
You can cry all you want to, no one will ever hear you,
Sink and swim up and down the river,
Head in and under water,
I’ll write these hymns until my lungs are filled with the river

I’ll sing these songs until my breaths are muffled with the fire,
Write these hymns, sing these songs into the fire,
Cut all of the wires,
Slash all of the tires,
We don’t want to go anywhere at all,
We’re going to miss the party

At the bottom of the ocean and in the pit of the fire,
We don’t want to miss the party

Let us never miss a party

Mental illness, put simply, is not knowing how to explain what it feels like, and feeling like it wouldn’t even matter, even if you did know

Mental illness, put simply, is not,
It isn’t simple,
I watched my best friends hurt themselves to feel things because their bodies did magic tricks to make them feel like everything felt like nothing,
Like everything, should feel like nothing,
Like nothing, is what everything feels like

Last week I talked to my mother about her anxiety, and the god she prays to for it hasn’t emailed her back, yet she keeps refreshing her inbox,
I wonder if that’s how you explain it

As a suicidal teenager, I used to sneak out of my bedroom window at night and take walks around my neighborhood, telling myself that maybe if I looked hard enough into the moon, God would meet me halfway,
This isn’t a poem about losing faith, but man, where’s the faith store and who can help me find some? I’m broke, don’t get me wrong, but that’s how faith works, right?

A few weeks ago, a mutual friend of mine dove head first back into drugs, claiming that her goal was to just simply, feel something, after taking such a long time to finally feel nothing

Breathe slow, take it easy, it’s gonna be a long ride,
Crack the window, you’ll be fine,
Set yourself on fire, just so you can say you’ve finally put yourself out,
Strap in if you want to, but only if you want to

A) I’ve met people who take it neck deep, feet first, fast, and relentlessly,
B) I’ve met people who keep the bandages on,
C) I’ve met people who don’t have any bandages, constantly drowning in the mess they think they’ve created,
D) I’ve met people who think that they would rather be dead,
E) I’ve met people who don’t want to think about it anymore

Hello, nice to meet you, I’m F) all of the above,
And I want to talk to you about the months and months I’ve spent in a row, wide awake in pools of sweat, shivering in my blankets, knowing that nothing could possibly be as ugly as this poem, but **** man, nothing is much prettier, everything is ugly, so nothing is pretty

Hello, nice to meet you, I’m nothing, none of us are everything,

We are all nothing,

Aren’t we all so pretty?

3.
If I blink hard enough, all of this will go away,
I wish you would just go away,
I have lived in your shadow for way too long, I need to get away,
Why can't I get away, I would do anything to get away,
You do anything to get your way,
You drink from the bottle while staring at me and the only words I have the guts to say to you are, "I love you", regardless of how badly I can feel the sting in my chest

2.
It's working, but I'm still in love with you,
I stopped dreaming in circles because my mind has grown so tired of the thought of you that the only thing that pops into my head when your name is mentioned is, "****, this hurts, a lot",
I still smile on rainy days and I still laugh at my friends jokes, but neither of those things make me smile as hard as the first time I held your hand, or the first time you joked about how your cat had a thing where he'd lay on your head when you were trying to fall asleep,
You're always in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep,
I just wish you weren't

1.
****, this hurts, a lot,
But I'm trying,
I can do this,
Your mother always told you not to stay out passed your bedtime, but no fun ever happens before midnight,
I hope you think of me in your drunken stupor,
When you were drunk, you used to call me and tell me that you thought I was the best thing in the world, that you loved me, that I was everything right for you,

I'm blinking continuously now, but none of it is helping,
****, this hurts, a lot,

If I was everything right for you, why did you only talk to me when everything bad was happening to you

Wishing for sleep but realizing there is no other place I would rather be,
An anchor tied to the feet of a man who only knows how to embrace everything when it is thrown at him,
Exhausted, I guess you could say that,
But it is this lack of knowing how to deal with surviving, repeating the words, "I'm trying, I'm trying" over and over until is the last thing he knows how to say to himself without self hatred,

I am alive, yes, I am alive

This ship is a sinking ******* but my god I'll tie the ropes to the cliffs and pull myself ashore,
When it comes to being happy, really, I'm not sure,
I guess I need to stop making it seem like being happy is a chore,

For the last seven months and three weeks, I have been beaten down and choked out of what I have every right to see,
I have every right to be

Happy

I have every right to
Breathe,
****,
Fight,
Light,
This cigarette and smoke away the stress I am incapable of getting rid of myself

I am handicapped

No, not in the sense of being broken,
No, not in the sense of being unable,

Stable: not likely to change or fail,
My attitude will change and my ambitions will change,
But I will not fail,

Being frail is something I am used to,
Being weak is something I am used to,
If I keep telling myself I am not used to being happy, I will never be happy

I want to be happy,
I want to sleep without nightmares,
I want to wake up and want to,

I want to be happy

If I keep telling myself I am sad, I will never be..

*Happy

Does it ever cross your mind that what is, maybe never was supposed to be

That maybe what was supposed to be, isn't worth mentioning

Maybe we're supposed to settle for what we know we can have

I never seem to branch out

It kills me to realize what I want is so far out of reach

It's unfortunate that I feel the need to settle for what I know I can have, never opening up and going after what I should have,
because what I should have, I don't have the confidence to go after

My head keeps telling me that I deserve absolutely nothing, but I've never heard a story end like this

When you fight this hard for this long,
It's hard to think you don't deserve it

I've been in these battles and these wars for what seems like years, and what do I have to show for it

A dwindling sense of self-confidence and a smile so fake not even plastic can describe it

I play myself for a ******* fool

You see, my head and my heart are two very separate beings

My heart is constantly tugging and pulling at my head to drive just a little bit longer,
that this sense of peace is just a little bit further

My heart beats consistently only wanting to show just how far I have come,
but my head is content just where it is

My heart always talks to my head, but my head never listens

It's been awhile, and if you were to ask me how I was doing right now, I wouldn't be able to say well

My walls came crashing down
only to be rebuilt so sturdy that not even Jesus himself could push through to me

My branches have been cut and my leaves have turned brown with selfloathing and greed

I am not doing well, do not even ask me

I know this is my fault, it always is
I push everyone out
I don't know a good thing when it's coming
I always sabotage everything in my life

Maybe it's me, maybe it isn't

I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

If you were here, would you even ask me

Would you stop me and ask me if I was doing well, or would you stay quiet and keep walking
like you have for the past three years

I don't even remember the last time you asked me

*I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

The streets are running rampant with loneliness and exhaustion
The kids are breaking bottles just so their hearts aren't the only things being broken

Your lips are the only lips a lost boy like me needs
It's a shame that your lipstick is all over my neck
The others are going to be fooled into thinking I'm the only one you're hooking up with

Kick the **** out of me so I know I'm still alive, I'll be sure to put up a fight
It just really ***** to hear you say "I love you" and then watch you turn around and fall into the arms of another like I never even mattered to you
I wish you'd just say it
I wish you'd tell me that I never mattered
That way I won't stay up all night thinking about you
I'll most likely think about you regardless,
I'm just not sure what would hurt more
Thinking that I never mattered to you, or knowing that I never mattered to you

I just hope you think about me when you're in a bedroom with another
I hope my name is in your head when you moan his and I hope you can feel my hands wrapped around your throat when you're choking on the lust you're giving into

The worst part is the fact that I can see and feel the blood coming out from where you stabbed me
I just hope I can manage to pull the knife out fast enough to pour completely out for you because I know you love it fast and you love it everywhere

It's a small world but an even smaller place in my heart for you
Maybe someday the place will finally shrink enough to not exist
Unfortunately until then, you're always welcome here, whether I like it or not

I wish our eyes lit up every time we saw each other again, like those street lamps did so bright into the late 2am in the morning Ohio summer sky, like those headlights onto those Cincinnati exit highway signs, like those I told you sos, like the laughters of those old ghosts in your backyard, I could’ve sworn we were going to break through into forever

Until it all came crashing through the ceiling, until it all came bursting through the floorboards, until we learned how to set fire to our own heads to finally see something go up in smoke, breathe it in, breathe it in, this is where it ends now, the period of every sentence, the exclamation point that paired so well with every I love you finally danced out of our throats and left a space that could not be filled without confrontation

How much longer are we going to pretend every word we ever said to each other was meant to fix whatever was broken

What was broken

Why were we trying to fix it

Why did we make each other god
We both know that eventually we stop believing in whatever doesn’t show us proof

I was like a hummingbird, you were like nectar, I ate you up until there was none of you left, but I kept some of the nectar in my mouth, and fear, and when there was no nectar left in my mouth, it got cold, I flew south for the winter, I was scared

When it warms up out here we might see each other again

How cold will it be, how much of you will be left, how much of us will be left, if any

My wings will be dripping with nectar, I’ll be so ready to make you whole again

Snap necked seraphim
Poltergeist afterlife
The difference between seeing and believing
The difference between knowing and understanding
The difference between wanting to know and wanting to understand
The beatniks and their denim
Our fears and how we treat them
Heartbreak and soaking it all in
Love and blowing it all out
******* it all in and pretending it doesn't hurt
Letting it all out and letting everyone know it ******* hurts

A lot

Spraying perfume on plastic flowers to make sure no one knows they are fake
Spraying perfume on yourself to make sure know one knows you are fake
Beauty supreme, yeah they were right about you
Kissing the lips of destruction to get a taste of what living feels like
A bystander to your own existence, choking and gasping on what little tangible feeling you have left
From the way that you acted to the way that I felt it, from the way that I acted to the way that you didn't feel any of it
You lucky *******
I'm miserable and you haven't noticed, nothing new there
I wish I couldn't miss you, I wish I didn't see you at all

If I die, I will die a martyr
If I die, I want these words to soak into your veins instead of the alcohol and nicotine
I want to be the only thing you feel
I was always selfish, I might as well embrace it

I'm dripping with anticipation as you're melting in desperation
Let the commotion of new age religion stir up a revival in all of the children's souls
The priest and priestess smoke cigarettes while listening to Brand New and yearn for a gospel that preaches about anything other than dipping our fingers in gold and making our bodies shimmer with yellow and orange love
We are doing this for ourselves and no one else, not our mothers and fathers, not our sisters or brothers, and definitely not for a holy control freak
Here, the angels wear cut offs and spread the word of sin
Here, we rip the pages out of books and use them to roll our drugs in
Here, sunglasses cover the homicidal looks shared between ex lovers as well as the holy matrimony we are all too scared about to act on

The coastline is quiet while the citizens quietly lose control
Bricks shattering windowpanes
And moonlit dances on the riverbank
If we weren't too far gone yet, we most definitely are now
But it's okay, misery finds company wherever the wind chooses to blow it

If the devil himself ever had to chose between what's wrong and right,
Nothing would ever make sense in our eyes
If the devil himself ever smiled,
Would we portray it as something good or as something bad?
If our hearts continuously broke,
Would we question what we did, or would we question what we will do about it?

I want to be a martyr
I want to be a ***** poet
I want to dig deep into the depths of every crack and crevice this life has to offer and start fist fights with everyone I come in contact with
I want to spill my blood in the name of literature
I want to listen to the hymns of the ****** whilst running my fingers through my greasy hair and finishing off my third pack of cigarettes
I want to drink yellow paint
I want to eat every flower I see
I want to be as ******* as possible when I die, that way my blaze of glory will be everlasting

This is my hallelujah to the ones that got away
My veins constantly ache for a savior
Fill my lungs with cement and fill my head with water, that way I can feel the weight of every breath and feel every problem swimming around in my head

When you get done reading this gospel, set it on fire and inhale the smoke, you will get higher than the sky
Feel the charcoal burn your eyes and clear your vision
It has all come down to this and this only
Do not let those around you discourage you
This is what we have all been waiting for

Take this into the streets and preach until you can't anymore, and when the sun goes down, don't let the ghosts take you

******* sniffing, love eluded, ill informed with ill intentions,
You never bothered to say bye but that doesn't matter if nothing mattered after I said hi, *******, you heartbreaking ***** of a lover, before this even started it was over, now I'm wishing for death, looking like death warmed over, but all of that's besides the point, if you called, I'd still come over,
And I hate myself for that

I'll never get it back,
Kissed my life goodbye when I skipped Bible study with you to get high, haven't prayed in a minute, I'm not the closest with the Big Guy, and I know that,
Wish I spent my time worrying more about the future than I do about the throwbacks, nostalgia vulture, upset at you for caring less about the world and caring more about the culture

It's getting weirder for me to be here, look at her smile, wish I could fix her

We were walking down the sidewalk and you hated your mother so much that you went out of your way to step on every crack,
You were bad for me, but I knew that, I kept singing your song, even if my voice cracked, because I loved you, but don't worry too much, I'd ******* **** myself before I wanted you back,
And I know it doesn't seem that way when you're all I can write about,
But I'm only writing it down because it's all I can think about, and I think you like that

I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth

I kept the fear in my mouth and I wanted to use the gun to shoot it out but I ended up just swallowing it and using it as the inspiration to write this, I hope you don't mind

Been awake since you left because I can't sleep without sleeping on your side of the bed, and I don't want to,
I spend my days writing letters with no return address because I don't want you to write back, not that you even would, but besides that, I've been wreckless without you,
I ******* hated alcohol before you, but I spend my nights drunk as fire thinking about what I'd do to get the time back,
I miss you, wait **** that, sorry, that's just the wine talk,
No I'm not sorry, ******* and everything that you came with,
******* and all the demons you came with,
You molded me into everything you wish I would've came with,
Sculpted my cracks into smooth creases, you made me brain dead,
But besides that

I might just have to turn cold and heartless, it's not like you've given me any other option

That's all for now, I'm sure there'll be a next time, until then,
Just remember who gave up

It's early and bright out,
The sun swallowed me,
It ate me up and spit me out

Nowadays, all there is is remembering,
No more looking forward,
All there is is looking back,
The air is thin and it beats the air that I am standing on with a bat,
Her air is full of love and goodbyes,
There is no point in saying hellos

What about her?
Does she make you happy?
Her lips folded over yours and the smell of alcohol, a stench, dripping into every single one of your thoughts,
Intoxicating you until you cannot see straight,
Her hands, around your neck until you cannot breathe,
The smoke, filling your lungs until you cannot breathe

I cannot breathe, unless I am breathing her in,
I cannot see straight, unless I am seeing her,
All of this, everything, for her, never for me

It's not worth it,
It's not worth it,
It's not worth it

Beating my heart until it is broken,
Tripping on my shoe laces like they were never tied to begin with,
We were never tied to begin with, I promise

This will be hard, I promise,
You won't be able to stop the shaking, I promise,
I will never leave you, I promise,
Every promise I make, I will break, I promise

I cannot see you anymore, in other worlds, I cannot see straight anymore
I cannot breathe you in anymore, in other words, I cannot breathe anymore

Still, everything I do, I do it for you, even if I won't want to

I promise

"Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me. Don't give up on me, Dad."

I'm not a deadbeat like your other son
That man is not my brother
He is a widow to what life offered him and he looks for his vices in alcohol and cheap women

That is not me
I am trying
My room is not my reality and I am not staying here to be afraid of everything
I am trying I am trying I am trying
My best is your worst and I just want you to understand that I'm one of the most driven people you'll ever meet

I'm not awake at 3am because the liquor and smoke is in me
I'm not gallivanting the streets with bad influences
I'm awake at 3am because my body has offered no other option
I'm not wasting the time I don't have
My imperfections don't define me

I work hard for what I want regardless of if I get it and the only advice you're pouring into my head is to "grow some" and "do something even if I don't want to"
I don't want to listen to you because I'm trying my best and I just want you to realize that I'll be strong when all is said and done

I don't need to be force fed
I work for my own food
I'm talking about the food of life
I'm talking about not letting the half empty glass get the best of me
I'm talking about wanting what's best for me
If you wanted what's best for me you'd realize I'm trying my best and your words only hurt me

These cuts are too deep for a bandaid solution
I need a neck brace to stop myself from hitting my head against my wall and a coat to keep myself warm because every time you make me feel like the worst I grow colder on the inside

I know this is hard for you to understand and you probably won't take any of this in and let it breathe inside of you because you never imagined your son would write a poem about you, especially not one like this

Trust me when I say I love you

I just want you to know I'm going places and I refuse to be held down by anything

I hope you're proud of me in the end

I'm growing my hair out because it's the only thing that tends to stick around with me
I keep tugging and pulling at it even though I know I shouldn't because eventually it will all fall out, just like your love did for me
We fed off of our negative energies, my toxicity and your lack of understanding
We were bound to end up broken eventually, I just wish it wouldn't have happened this soon, I wasn't ready
I'm just a child too immature to handle everything around me, I know I need to change, but I'm too caught behind my stubbornness to evolve from something like this
It's affecting those around me, but I don't care
It's starting fires and I'm not even trying to put them out
I'm a disgusting ******* and I don't want to do anything to help myself
I'm just going to continue to bury my feelings and emotions into the hearts of the ones who seem to care the most about me, hoping they put up with me long enough for me to grow up and realize what I'm doing is sickening; maybe I'll change then
But until that happens, I'll continue to cry and mope about everything that makes me upset, even if it isn't worth it, even if it's hurting the ones around me, even if I know I'm doing wrong

I AM THE VICTIM IN THIS, I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG

--

Man, shut the **** up
You're so stuck behind your ego that you can't even see straight
Stop ruining the innocence of forgiving hearts
You know you're going to hurt them in the end, so why do you keep going?
Why do you refuse to come to terms with yourself and realize you can benefit from your disasters instead of maturing a little bit and facing them like you preach so much about
If only you understood how genuine of a person you have the potential to be, but you're too busy trying to avoid your problems to care about any of them
I just hope you know this will tear you down if you don't stop it
The ones you think love you will turn their backs on you for this
Stop acting like a child and man up and stop blaming everyone but yourself
You know you're in the wrong, start acting like it, it's all we ask
We love you and we want to see you prosper, but this won't end well if you keep acting this way

Love isn't a blame game and you aren't the victim of anything

I spend my nights bleeding out intoxicated poetry written under candlelight and screaming vinyl, spinning a web of loose ends trying my hardest to tie them together
I couldn't stop loving you even if I hated everything about you
I couldn't stop hating you even if I loved everything about you
I am picked up by my feet and dangled over an open fire that blacks out all of the thoughts in my exhausted head
The thoughts that are too heavy to handle even on my best days
Bright highway signs welcome me as I look for an escape, if I drive far enough to get away, maybe it will be written in my blood
My canvases painted ferociously to imagine a world more vivid than this one, maybe if I keep painting what I'm feeling, I'll be able to feel something instead of trying to accept the fact that I've grown numb to everyone and everything around me
I spend a lot of my time writing all of this out on my bedroom floor
Sometimes it's better to lay on the floor because a lot of the time nothing is as solid as the ground, it adds stability when nothing else is as stable as I'd like it to be

I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be mi--

Tears won't get me where I need to be
Bandages won't stop the bleeding
My skin is itching with broken promises and unfinished words
As hard as I am on myself for the things I have no control over, you'd think that I would be used to this by now, yet here I am, lit cigarette in hand, the shaking getting worse when I try to speak
My sleepless nights are finally catching up to me
My mother notices on a daily basis and all she knows how to do is pray for me, I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry that I don't know how to cope with this, or anything for that matter
I'm having dreams that seem more real than real life, I'm becoming more and more disassociated by the minute, I can't help myself, I'm a ******* trainwreck

Everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

It's the doubt in my mind that creates a silhouette of confidence to portray to those around me, this kid's got his **** together
I am not a writer because I want to be
It's the thoughts that crowd my head, all I know how to do with them is write them down because if I don't find the time to drain myself of the negativity, the demons it brings will build a home in my head and they'd never leave
I promised myself I'd stop, but I've never kept a promise, I don't know how

I don't know much

All I know is that everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

I’ll write until I fall asleep,
Sleepy words under tongue and flicked from the tip, rolled off when needed,
Every car in my neighborhood has its lights on, and every neighbor does this on purpose so they’ll have an excuse to be able to bring something back from the dead every morning

Caffeine lungs, they’re so wired to crave exhaustion yet do not know how to get there,
I do not know how we got here, but I know we are going to fly into the evening sky to write love letters and put them inside of sunsets,
Evening commuters need something to keep their wheels moving on seemingly unmovable concrete

Endless loops of nicotine and Stevie Nicks’s voice could scream lullabies into the open mouths of yawns for hours and still never learn how to grow tired

Kerosene speed, call to the void, what a mess we’ve all made here

Learning to love yourself is like learning to put the fire out but keeping the matches in your pocket for when you need them again

It's nights like these that I tend to think about you,
Don't get me wrong, I think about you all the time,
Just nights like these in particular seem to stand out,
It's like you're watching me,
Like you're leaning over my shoulder,
Like some kind of guardian angel,
Yeah, I know you weren't anywhere near an angel, I'd just like to think you were,
Like I've been through so much with so many people that it's just nice to think that there's something good chasing away the bad,
I know we all wish it really worked like that

She sat there on that same exact bench at the same exact time every single day,
And you watched her like clockwork,
Too afraid to introduce yourself or even look at her other than from the corner of your eye,
Her favorite trees were cherry blossoms,
Her favorite color, violet,
Her grandmother lived on the coast,
None of these are true, you're just imagining these things to give yourself some kind of grip here,
Some kind of confidence in the fact that you're lonely now,
So lonely to the point where you think the birds in your backyard enjoy your company more than your friends do,
And you record yourself singing into your phone because you always wanted to see what it would be like to hear something other than the thoughts that take your ears and tie them into knots,
Consistently,
Destruction from the inside out,
Everything is pretty,
No matter what

I remember specifically the night you told me that I was everything you needed,
It didn't matter how drunk you were or how vulnerable I was, I'll hold onto that idea forever,
I know I'm nowhere near you but that never stopped me from trying,

You know that feeling you get when you're home but you just don't feel at home?
That feeling of uneasiness that just swallows you up and spits out your bones,
It's hard here

I've been in the river for as long as I can remember,
I just can't remember when I started trying to swim against the current instead of going along with it,
I just keep getting cut to pieces, bleeding everything out, everything, I can feel it,
The winds are as sharp as sheep shears,
We are all suffering here

Not dead but dreaming,
Numb to the feeling,
Alone in the morning after being held through the night,
Around her in the evening, looking at the moon as if it's her radiating that light,
It's hard here

She kisses my lips every chance she gets but I can't wait to kiss her goodbye,
Walking through the flowers and feeling the sunshine in the sky,
The way she seeps into my veins and makes me warm, nothing but lies,
It's hard here

I am breaking my own heart trying to save myself from her,
Depression isn't beautiful, in fact she's a liar,
We are all suffering here

"*******!" screamed the drunken poet stumbling into the door with a half smoked cigarette in one hand and a coffee stained journal in the other

I asked why I wasn't worth the effort and you asked me if it was a rhetorical question,
Rain will fall and fill in the gaps we leave for space to make a home,
The clouds will crowd above our heads to choose between regret and anger; which will make our day more miserable,
We will collapse under the pressure of trying harder than anyone ever has for the things we hold near and dear to us,

A society dying of emotional asphyxiation,
Warmongers threatening the very last thing keeping them from falling off the edge,
Innocence showcased through picking flowers and sharing smiles,
We are broken and we are picking up the pieces one cut at a time,

Gutting the stomachs of lovers and creating sculptures in memory of the undeserving,
Setting fire to everything we're used to in order to create room for the risks we finally aren't afraid to take because of the exhaustion pulling us as far down as we can possibly go,

We sure are a mess, but at least we're giving it our best
Distressed and lost, only hoping to find ourselves in one another,
I want to get as lost as possible, that way I will feel confusion once again; at this point I am used to knowing everything before it even happens,
Or maybe that's just my anxiety making me create situations that haven't even happened yet,
Or maybe I really am a mess,
Or maybe I just need to be told it's okay,
Or maybe I need to embrace the fact that I'm a madman with a twisted messiah complex

All I know is that at the end of the day, I spill my coffee just as much as you do,
I smoke as many cigarettes as I need to,
I find happiness in everything before my sadness does,
I sure am a mess, but at least I am giving it my best,
I am alive, so I might as well live

I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life recording my eulogy into blank CDs,
and when my funeral becomes sold out, throw all of the money into my casket so I’ll have bus fare to make it back from hell,
And maybe put the pastors microphone next to my mouth at the viewing, just so I can get the last word in, I’ve always been that way

Project your favorite memories of us onto my body, just so I can feel something before you leave,
It’s a cold and lonely bed tonight, but someone told me to leave the windows cracked,
Someone told me to leave the blinds all drawn, We don’t want to see out and they don’t want to see in,
But that doesn’t make a difference where we’re going

All we have are these words, so let’s make them *****, pretty, broken, beautiful,
All we have is each other, so let’s kiss like we’ve never felt lips on our lips before,
Move your fingers down my neck like you’re playing a guitar and make my mouth sing out the chords you never learned

Yeah, I could say I’m pretty lost right now,
I couldn’t tell you on a map where my heart is anymore, it’s kind of all over the place,
Hopefully most of it is in the Ohio river where I left it, right under the bridge,
Next to hundreds of butts of cigarettes and the tears I cried out at 18, we were all so young once, I’ll never understand what happened

In my dreams, I crash my car every night,
Just to see what it would really feel like to fly out of here,
I’m not quite dead yet, but I swear when I wake up in the mornings, I can feel the wings on my back

And every night when we fall sleep, I become tangled in her hair, and when we perform the death dance, I am like Jesus in a temple, and we are silent as sleep,
I promised her I would kiss her bones until they were no longer broken,
I would teach my brain to move like a puppet, without strings attached

I will continue to hurt until I can no longer mend,
And I will continue to ignore God’s voicemails until my inbox is full,
And I will live like this until I no longer can

It’s 3:30am and I’m finally laying down to sleep,
After tucking in all of the words I’ve been saving up for you,
They’re pretty restless, and I am too,
But don’t worry, I have a night light plugged in for them, they’re scared of the dark just like you were,
It’s a shame that you won’t be here to hear them in the morning,
They’d probably go well with sunlight through the windows and scrambled eggs,
And nothing would beat them rolling out of my mouth through the steam of the coffee I’d brew for you, for us

And don’t you wish we were still as beautiful as we were when we were born wrapped in stars and bathed in sunlight?

Before the smoke got to us and the mirrors became cracked,
Way back before our mothers and fathers were worried about us,
Before we’d spend too much time trying to read between the lines of each other’s books,
Now we hardly have time to read the sparknotes

And don’t you miss it? When we were able to fall asleep every night without pills,
And waking up every morning without missing someone was easy

What kind of monsters we have become to deny ourselves

I know you will never be around again to hear any of this, and

I’ve written this poem a hundred times over but there is still no one around to tell me that it won’t help me, so I’ll keep writing it

it’s amazing how far we can take ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to stop ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to apologize to ourselves for everything that we think we need to become, but haven’t yet,
yeah, I know sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
feel alone,
but, hold on a second
please, would you just, hold on a minute,
wait for my cue

at the count of three we are going to convince ourselves that everything around us is on fire, even though it’s not,
pretend that the world revolves around everything besides us, even though it doesn’t,
it revolves around us,
because if it didn’t,
we wouldn’t be here,
everything wouldn’t spin all the time,
we wouldn’t have to have this talk,
everyone would just smile all the time

I just left my family’s Easter dinner without saying goodbye because I couldn’t help but smile the whole time,
even though it felt like my whole body was a bear trying to rip through my bones like they were some kind of bear trap,
didn’t tell my grandma I loved her,
didn’t tell my cousin congratulations,
didn’t tell my uncle I missed him,
didn’t take a breath in my niece’s direction,
didn’t say anything,
just sat there, quiet, waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave

and on the drive back home, I listened to even sadder music, and cried, loudly, I can’t wait for the day that crying goes out of style,
can’t wait for the day that we go back to normal,
whatever that means

but I promise I’m taking the steps accordingly, finally going to therapy, on Thursday

we have so much to talk about,
why do we make ourselves so quiet

Hey there,
It's me again.
I know I've come to you before and you never say anything back to me, but I have no other choice; so please just listen to me carefully.
I know it's been a few years and you haven't heard from me, but I just got caught up in what life is suppose to be about. I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I have so much to tell you.
First of all, *******. I hate doing this and I hate coming back to you because I know for a fact that there are others that have no other choice but to see you, and here I am, willfully coming to you. Congratulations for this.
I used to feel like my loved ones were going to have to drag the lake for me because of you, and I'm so stupid to be coming back to you after everything you've done to me.
I know I've told you that I don't believe in God, but recently I've had no other choice but to pray to him and ask him sincerely to please never let you show your face to me again.
I'm going to a funeral tomorrow evening, and even though I never met the guy, it fills me with nothing but rage to know that you stole everything from him.
I was told that he had everything going for him. Perfect grades, a perfect athlete, not a thing in the world seemed to be able to stop him. He was so young and full of potential. Until you came along.
You forced his body to starve so badly that it had no choice but to eat itself.
That sounds familiar, doesn't it?
That no matter how many times I'm able to run away from you, you never fail to fill my stomach with what seems like a black abyss that never stops screaming at me for everything I do.

Second of all, I hope you're happy with all of this.
I hope you see me struggle and turn in my sleep because of you and you get a kick out of it.
I hope that you feel a sense of accomplishment when you see me smiling and decide I'd be better off back in the dumps. You somehow always think that I've always wanted this.
There have been times when I've wanted nothing more, but now is not that time.
I've grown so much without you and I hope you've noticed.
Life has given me such a sense of self worth. Something that you could never do for me.
In fact, all you ever gave me was the complete opposite.
It's been a struggle, but I don't need you. I never did, so please stay the **** away from me.

Last but not least, this is the last time you will ever hear from me.
Death, I am staring you right in the face and I feel more confident now than I ever have.
Death, no matter how many times you try to push down on my chest, I will take the deepest breath you've ever seen me take.
Death, say goodbye to your longest prisoner, I hope you become lonely without me.

Death, not today.
Death, not ever.

Yours truly, the one that got away.

PS, I'm gonna need this letter back to write more things on to help my head get rid of you.

I've found out what stories the highways have to tell and I swear they're some of the best I've ever heard
Smokey windshields and blaring guitar solos in all, the road is a canvas just begging to be painted on

The tears of teenage existence will drain and fill and drain once more
The angst of late lovers will catch fire and spread to every part of this city
The state lines will blur more and more the closer you approach them
You are part of something so much greater now
Take a moment and realize that everything you do and say has never sounded more crystal clear

We will cross the bridge when we get there and we will sit on the side of the river
We will talk about what emotions have been trying to drown us lately all while trying our hardest not to drown in the water itself because good friendship creates the best kind of atmosphere you could ever be involved in

This is a revolution

I don't think you heard me

This, my friends, is a revolution

Burn your inner demons to the ground
Drown your worst fears in the waters of the holy land
Turn on Free Bird and dance in the moonlight until your body becomes numb with the feeling of excitement
Forget what problems are weighing on your shoulders for just a few minutes and let the wind of the river blow through your hair
I swear you will forget everything except this moment because forgetting is the only solution the river will give you
The only time the river will ever allow you to have is a ******* good time
Because the river courses through the veins of this country and trust me when I tell you that it has seen some **** and it wouldn't wish any of these problems onto you

The river is as iconic as you hear about because it is the birthplace of our generation's revolution and the highways that lead to it are the stepping stones of accepting yourself as a solution and not a problem

So by all means
Crank your radio up
Listen to Springsteen preach the good word
Arrive and waste no time
The children of the river are waiting for you
We have fires to start and cities to take over

*This is the revolution

Lately, I’ve been waking up every morning at 8am like clockwork, with tears in my eyes and on my cheeks, clawing their way out of my face like they’re running from something,
And a sense of panic that I can only describe as seeing an animal in your car’s headlights but not being able to slow down quick enough

Do you understand, how ******* disgusting it is to not feel like you’re able to write anything until everything feels like it’s on fire, and your only way of putting it out is to cough up a bunch of metaphors and hope they’re wet enough

Sometimes when I get really anxious I like to take road trips,
And when I’m driving,
I like to close my eyes,
Just so I can remember what it’s like to not possibly have any control of anything

Sometimes when I get really anxious, I try to recite the alphabet backwards,
Just so I can remember what it’s like to be able to forget something

Sometimes, it feels like I’ve been taking the wrong medicine at the wrong times and the right medicine doesn’t have a right time,
Only feel alive in the night time, take deep breaths,
We are alone in this,
You and I are alone in this,
We are in some way,
Together in this

When I think about anxiety, I like to think about it like it’s a bee,
and I wish that it would die after it stung me,
But I know it won’t,
I know it will keep on,
I know that it will drip it’s honey into the eyes of all of my closest friends and family,
And sometimes it will become too thick to see through,
And they will learn to live with it,
And I will learn to live with it

Sometimes, when I get really anxious, I am the sunset,
I envy moon, I would give anything to be able to see the way the trees move at night,
Silent, but fast, I was always told there was some kind of magic to be talked about when it came to the dark

Yes, I’m not lying when I tell you I’m riding high,
I’m feeling it all at once, everything around me, from everyone’s faces, to their footsteps, it is all running a marathon through my veins, the finish line nowhere to be found, I feel them all, all of them, their angry and driven footsteps, using the soil of my blood to plant their gardens inside of me that will one day without fail turn rotten, and die,
and my body will feel the decay of drought when my blood runs dry, when the sunlight is no longer strong enough to break through my thick skin,
I feel like the sunlight

Yes, I’m not lying when I tell you I’m riding high,
Cold, and shaking, itching for the comfort of normality inside of this hellscape, a national landmark of uneasiness and lack of empathy for the fingers on my hands and toes on my feet,
It takes a real kind of high to be able to feel when every single hair on your head moves in the wind and every single hair on the back of your neck raises, as if it’s trying to stand guard against something it knows will **** it

I find myself here, locked and loaded in this hazy battlefield, yet when I fire my guns, the only thing that comes out is dirt, and not enough of it either

I am riding high in the midst of 6 sleepless nights,
firing lucid canons into my bedroom walls in hopes that if nothing else, my delusions will break me a way out of here

That’s what this is all about anyways, right?

You made a home in my bones
You made a home in my bones*

You crawled into my bones and you made a home and now you won't leave,
You don't even pay rent,
All you're good for is picking me up and throwing off of my feet,
*******, I'm tired of it

I'm tired of being awake when I should be asleep,
I'm tired of covering up for you because we both know that you can't speak,
You're too weak to fend for yourself,
So you latch onto me and feed until I can't tell the difference between being free and wanting to feel free,
Until I can't tell the land from the seas,
My head, that is, drowning, because you tied this anchor to my feet,
And I'm getting tired of swimming,
I miss the trees and the sand of the beach

I miss waking up and actually wanting to do things,
I miss eating pancakes whenever I felt like it but now I don't feel like it at all,
I don't even want to eat,
I miss listening to music for the hell of it,
Now I can't even listen to music without feeling a tear roll down my cheek,
After the dirt got the best of me I'd climb onto my roof and pretend I was a bird,
I just wanted to feel something

I was so ******* scared of saying something about it but now I feel so powerful I can hardly speak,
All of this, it's not just a dream,
I am alive and I am proud of knowing that I made it this far,
All there is up to reach,
Because I've been at the very bottom for as long as I can remember and ******* I'm tired of it,
I think it's time for you to leave

What? Are you scared that I'm talking to you directly?
I'm telling you right now that you no longer have that power over me,
Just go pack all of those bags and do your best to stay the hell away from me

I'm sorry for screaming but I'm just so excited to finally be myself, the thought is crazy to me,
Like, I've gotten so far in the past few years to give it all up without battling,
I can hear the coffin door rattling,
I can see the sun through the clouds now, it feels like this sadness is shattering

I'm tired of it, I can say it over and over,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I can feel my lungs again, I'm breathing,
I thought I'd never see the day where someone would ask me if anything was wrong and I'd reply with "hardly",

I can smell the flowers again,
I can see the vibrant colors of the petals like it's my first time on LSD,
I can look up without a care in the world again, I thought I'd never say that, it's always been so foreign to me,
But what's happening is beautiful, this sense of empowerment that seems to rip through the cloudiness of it all every now and then to show its face to me, how it's so lovely to realize that I am more than what my demons seem to be

This is beautiful,
I am beautiful

I am alive and I am proud of it

A wolf in sheep skin,
Depression's kingpin,
Lost in addiction, so spiraling it makes my ******* head spin,
Cigarettes and gin, a beautiful girl lost in a lover's world, the process over and over again

A smooth slick ******* who doesn't give a **** about heartbreak,
A cold and lonely evening, a real earth shaker,
Heartbreaker,
Hymn chanting, shot chasing, sadness cannibal,
A glass half full,
Or half empty

4am again,
Is this pack half full or half empty,
Never see, never see, Neverland, the promised land, watch it bleed,
****** river, ****** knuckles, broken teeth, a golden rose sprouting from a blackened soil, see

"You lost me"

Cut up and sewn together, mix matched with a crying messiah,
Flown up then crashed down,
Teared up with tears rolling down,
Smack the frown off of my face and leave me sunny side up over easy, pepper dripping, salt throwing, ******* train wreck of a human being,
It's never been easier, trust me,
Keep myself awake for a few days straight then rip my guts out until I convince myself that all of my problems can be fixed just by sleeping

Stormy weather with the windows open,
Sunny weather with the blinds all pulled shut,
Wish I could find a way to just not give a ****

You're pessimistic, pacify her, burn her up in holy fire, drown yourself in holy water,
Forgive the angels for your daughters,
Poetic slaughters, words ripping through all of us,
I'll give a lot but I won't give up,
I'll stay up until the sun's up but I won't cry anymore than I have to

Sometimes it's like that,
Sometimes it's easier to fight back,
Throwing punches until the lights are out,
Blacked out until the stars come out,
A kaleidoscope of misfortune,
Prescriptions on prescriptions,
Haven't peaked yet but I know I'm worth a fortune,
Frowny faces I'm drowning tasteless,
Not sweet enough for any of your senses but too bitter to take any chances

Sometimes it's like that

Better gear up for the long fight,
Hasn't come yet but I'll hold tight,
I'm here to take it all and put it into a different light, see

War never changes,
And neither will I

I'm so strung out by the thought of it,
Dug down into the dirt from it,
Pulled out from my comfort zone and thrown into the sun, getting more and more dried up by the minute, as if my body even has any tears left in it,
I can't run from it,
I can't hide from it,
I can't even fight it because how am I supposed to fight it if I can't even look it in its face

It looks like I haven't slept for days because I haven't slept for days,
Tumbling down the slippery ***** of being comfortable in the uncomfortable,
I've been so upset for so long that it feels weird to not be,
It feels weird to be okay,
I don't like it, so I stick to feeling blue instead of anything else because it's just what I know best

Yeah fine whatever I'll get the help I need when I need to, for now I'll just ****** **** myself one minute at a time, hopefully the clock will stop and let me breathe for a ******* second,
I told myself that if I stopped I would die so I just started spinning and spinning until everything became so blurry I could hardly tell what I was doing and it feels like now I can't stop,
If anything I've learned that if anyone is underground long enough that means that they're dead,
Please just ******* help me, grab a shovel and start digging,
I can't do this by myself,
Even though I know I'm suffering,
I'll cry every chance I get


The only reason I started drinking was because my ex girlfriend's therapist told her that it's bad to keep things bottled up,
I never stopped, not because I love the taste of it, just because it feels better on the way back up,
It lets me know I'm not alone,
My sour stomach or my rotting bones, it doesn't matter,
I love to feel like I'm alive even if I'll forget

I retrace my memories and soak them in the pool of veins from which they came,
One of these has to make sense now,
There's gotta be something here that warned us of this,
I've been looking for a while and I guess I was wrong the entire time

I should've known from the start that this was a bloodbath and there was nowhere to run from this,
That conflict was the point of it all and we would be absolutely nothing without it

If we keep making bad art in hopes that it turns good we will never be artists,
Art is ugly and so are we

I am god and so are you

I’m not sure which hurts more, the way you left, or how you did it so easily

I drove to Cincinnati last week to write this at 2am because when I think about you for too long, I get too depressed to fall asleep, and I felt that even though I’d only be an hour closer to you down there, I’d feel better knowing that I was just a little bit closer,
No, I’m not lying when I say that I think about you the same way a semi driver thinks about changing lanes - for a long time, and almost constantly, you’re always in the back of my mind, I’m always wondering what move I should make next, and when I should make it

I fell for you the same way I learned how to ride my first bike, without elbow pads, and recklessly,
And it took me a couple tries, but I never got it, and I still don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m so sorry I could never be enough for you

I wanted to fill up a notebook’s lines with nothing but your name so I could jump into it and live out our best lives, in between the lines, a place where we could have the option to erase whatever we need to, but wouldn’t want to, because everything would already be so perfect

And when you smiled, when you smiled it felt like the sky was so jealous of you,
Like your beauty shined so bright that the sun herself breathed your skin in like oxygen

I wish you would’ve just lied to me, whatever it took to make me feel comfortable

And even beauty has her bad days,
Like roses have thorns,
It kind of just happens, without even being asked,
Kind of the way I fell in love with you, and even your bad,
It just happened, I didn’t even have to ask,
I wonder if I had the chance to, would it have changed anything?
Would you still be here and would I know where I went wrong?

The way you explained at breakfast that if you were an egg, on your bad days, you’d be scrambled,
But on your good days, you told me that you’d be sunny side up,
I always joked about wanting to take all of you and roll you up into an omelette, take the good and the bad, and see how far I could run with it

I thought this love came so easily and naturally, but I was so wrong,
The way I loved you made you feel untouchable and maybe that was part of the problem,
Too much of anything is bad for you, no matter how good you think it is

The way you packed your bags and left, it all felt like it was done so effortlessly, like this is exactly what you were made for, perfectly

I’m not sure which hurts more,
The way you left,
Or how you did it so easily

It’s 4am now in Cincinnati, I’m looking above the skyline, at the moon and the stars, and they aren’t even pretty anymore, they just remind me of your freckles, and I’m telling the river about you, she says she’s jealous,

I think I’m going to drive home now and sleep

I can feel it all soaking into my skin,
My downfall, the ****** of everything,
Every ending shakes hands with every new beginning yet sticks around to see it all spiral downward into the pit of the next "new beginning",
I've ruined a lot now, I don't know why I have the tendency to keep going,
Failure, my fear of success, my fear of failing successfully and never successfully being successful,
Or maybe it's just my nerves

I spend my day-times gluing together pieces of reasons why my soul is worth saving,
I spend my night-times in my bed poking my fingers with every piece of my heart that's breaking,
There is no one here to blame besides myself,
But why must I be so hard,
Why must I torture myself,
It all comes back to me anyways, so why do I ever give any of it away

Calm me down,
Calm me down,
Please just do something, anything to calm me down,
Cigarettes stopped calming the nerves and alcohol never stopped tasting bitter

I can't sleep, I can't eat,
I can't even shower because ******* warmth reminds me of when I felt it all inside of me, gleaming out like a sun who's crying to be the source of something,
I miss the way happiness flooded me,
I miss the way sadness used to be too terrified to even look at me,
I stop at every crack in the sidewalk because when we stepped on them together you joked about breaking my mother's back,
You never mentioned anything about breaking hearts, or how you're so good at it

I sit and watch traffic, wondering where everyone is going,
Wondering what everyone is trying their best to run away from

I wonder what I'm trying to run away from

I wonder if there's even anything to run away from

Another sunrise
And another sleepless night
I continue to rot from the ground up
This is so surreal
This is so new
The old crustiness of exhaustion and desperation hold my body by a shock collar
And I am not sure what not feeling electricity course through my veins at all times feels like
I am nothing besides a broken insomniac with a twisted god complex
I am finally starting to realize the difference between knowing it all and wanting to know it all
I don't know why our souls leave our bodies when we die
But I do know that the sunrise is a new
And I could really, really use one of those

Accept me, I long to be validated
Restless pick me up
Carry me and all of my faults
******, it's 4am again
I guess I'll light another
I guess I'll keep driving
You would be so proud of me
Please take me in
I am doing this all for you

This is where it all ******* goes
This is what no one ever wanted to know
No one ever knows, not even a bit
I drop my bombs where I see fit

I took Medusa out to dinner
And she loved it
The only thing she turned stone was my restless soul and I thank her every **** day for it

I am not crying, you are crying
The smoke will continue to billow out
My body will continue to hollow out

Restart
Reinvent
Inhale
Exhale
These clouds will clear up
I will finally keep my chin up
I will no longer be drowning inside of you
I am simply on your surface
And my god, your sky is so bright
Your birds are chirping so loudly
This is why I am here
This is why I am here

I am in this, with or without you

I may not be able to leave, but I will enjoy my stay

He walks in the front door with a 30 pack of pbr and a whole lotta love,
And when his friends all go to open their first one,
They make a toast and pledge that this’ll be their year

But fall never came here,
It’s been so hot all year,
And the winter came without warning,
Leaving us cold and lonely,
With no room left to feel

My garden is frozen over,
I wish my hair was full of four leaf clovers,
Because I’m scared I’ll never feel lucky enough,
I wanna pull my hair out until until I’m bald and I wanna use my head to grow roses but there will never be enough blood in the soil because I’m too busy reopening the scars,
So the roses will be wilted

Enough is never enough until enough is enough

And

Love only means convenience until love isn’t convenient anymore

And

I wanna **** until I don’t give a **** anymore,
but we’ve all tried that and all that does is leave us alone and in the dark

Wash clean your black eyes

Scrub away everything that makes you hurt

Rub your skin with bars of soap until all you see is bones

Find someone and sit on their bed while they explain how everything in their room became everything that they consider to be home

The hardest part was realizing that we didn’t need others to chase away our loneliness

We just needed to find a way to talk to it

I don't want to become obsessed with you just when you become undressed,
Would you, fall in love with me as much as I fell in love with you,
I want to, gather up all the stars and put them in a bag for you,
I want to, fly you to the moon,
Would you, kiss me in the rain until all we see is sunshine,
Burn bright,
Our passion and our worst fears just seem to collide,
Every time I'm with you,
Every time I'm with you,
Everything else just seems to fade away

I can't usually see, but this, I can see clear as day,
Everywhere your mind goes, I follow, even if I won't want to, I'll go there anyway,
There are 12 months in a year and trust me when I tell you that I'll find 12 different ways to love you, if you just gave me a chance,
I don't like dancing, but may I have this dance?
Let me put it this way,
You fit me better than my favorite pair of pants

Told me you wish I wasn't so pretty so you didn't have to try so hard,
Hold you, in my arms, watch you fall asleep, I can only hope you dream of me and not someone else,

This isn't a love song, this isn't a love poem,
I don't want you to turn this up until you can't hear anything else,
I just want you to look at me like you look at everyone else

I've grasped onto every possible option available to me,
I've sang the hymns, I've had the drinks, I've prayed the prayers,

So close, yet so far,
An eclipse of emotions and actions, one taking turn over the other,
A sad messiah weeps on the alter of everyone and begs for chance after chance,
I love you so much, but do yourself a favor and don't give me one

Be someone I can rely on, it's all I'm asking, I guess that's a little too much,
I guess I'm just a little too much

Everything is cold and everyone is desperate
I am not crying, I am being honest
It's been a long time here and I'm tired
How do the nameless go about making a name for themselves
If the only joy to be found is buried six feet into the ground

We built a home that was so easily turned
We walked through the fire together but I was the only one burned
With eyes weak and no hope to be found
I turned on myself to pick out the flaws
There is no place in the world for people like me

I looked through the window
And I could just barely see
A woman, laced with happiness and a dress down to her knees
With an umbrella, a purse, and a pair of glasses to see

Everything is bright and everyone is shining
It's been a while, I am not crying
We have made a name for ourselves, her and me
It's Mr. and Mrs. Lovely, we have grown a tree
On Sunday's and Monday's, I count every leaf
One smile, two smiles, three smiles, indeed

What a lovely change of events
One would agree
It isn't very long until you are able to see
That with every wrong, comes a right
I sure hope you believe
That not a flicker in sight
is dull enough to cease

Even though we are lonely, even though we are weak
We will stand up strong
and be filled up with peace

Heartbreak and exhaustion have made a permanent home in my bones and they both are having such a good time ******* with me that neither of them want to leave,
I wish everyone who came into my life felt the same way,
I wish I had the guts, all I have are the bones,
I'm sturdy in my wants but flimsy with my needs,
I want you, yeah, but I don't need you,
It'd just be really nice

No, not the kind of nice to just take up my time and make me forget about all of the bad things,
I'm talking about the kind of nice that could only be accurately described using a situation such as kissing you to my favorite bands, or wrapping my arms around you when you're feeling cold,
You say you're always cold

Honey pie, you're the apple of my eye,
The girl they're always talking about,
The girl who has a ring to her name,
A certain kind of charm that only you could see,
You're the only one I see

I don't want, I need

When I'm upset, I don't cry, I scream

You're worth so much more than this,
Let me wrap flowers around your head and crown you princess of the garden

This isn't me convincing you,
This is me convincing myself,
Getting caught in your typhoon could ******* either further into you, or away from you, but I'm here and I'm settled down to ride out the storm, regardless of the outcome

I'll try not to get my heart broken, but I can't promise anything

How easy it would be to be able to pick and choose who we suffer for

Draw a bath and tie the hair back, poor a glass of wine, and relax,
Go down a list and write check marks or exes next to the names of our skeletons, the places we hide away into at night,
How easy it would be

I’m not here to say that it isn’t easy, I’m just here to fantasize about not picking the gaps between your teeth until there’s enough space for everyone who’s wronged you to slide into, create a home and live

Sometimes I like to write symphonies using the tones of voicemails I’ve received because I just don’t have the guts to pick up the phone,
To be able to orchestrate absolute feeling on a whim,
How easy it would be

But instead, we’re here, teeter tottering between how many cigarettes we’ll have left by the end of all of this, or how happy we could be, or simply how bad a hangover we’re going to have in the morning,
But we’re soldiers like this

And the rations will last us— just long enough,
To pick the phone up when our friends call,
Tell them we love them, listen to that one paramore album over and over until we become 15 again,
Immerse ourselves into whatever nostalgia we refuse to let go of

How easy it would be,
To be able to pick and choose who we suffer for

I hope it rains today so I can watch your tears fall like melted candlewax
No, you're not the only person I write about
Just one of my favorites
Good god all mighty ****** Mary
Bless the Saint you are so heavenly

Lilacs and daffodils are all that come out of your mouth
You are the purest of the purest and the best of them all
You are a dime a dozen
No one touch them
Call the cops if the secret ever gets out

Wrap me like a blanket in your warmth
Because it's a cold cruel world
And my breath is freezing over like Hell would if you ever were to fall in love with me

A puny tiny wimp full of nothing, here it is
Don't you dare forget about me
Claw and climb and free yourself from your cage
And give me a call when you feel it's necessary
Until then I will be here
Awaiting the knock on my door
With a mind full of fear and a heart that feels too full

Sunny side up is where I'll never be
Choose to be, you chose between
Perfect craftsmanship and rotting fingertips
Take me for a spin and see just how far I'll take you

You never know with me
Of course, not even I do
But that's the point, right

I will fill my voids with every form of destruction
I will inject my brain with everything that feels good, regardless of the fact that it never ends well

Much like our broken love, I have forgotten the true meaning of honesty

Honestly, the way you took my hand and ran with me felt so refreshing
I wanted all of it
I wanted to be enveloped

It wasn't until the night I saw you with him that I had felt such a strong sense of defeat

The way his hand was wrapped around yours, I knew he was running with you

Two years later and a few more pieces shattered, my legs are broken and my hands no longer are able to grip as hard as they could when I was with you

My tired bones and my rusty joints ache at the memory of running with you

We can take over the world! You used to say

This is not me crying because of you,
and this is not my pity party
I am not wearing a party hat and there is no confetti

There is a pile of fuming bones and there is a race I no longer have the chance to win

When you left me, I was so fragile
However, here I am today
I am stronger then ever
and I am winning my own race

A wolf among sheep
A flower in the weeds
A breath taken just a little too deep

This is how I assess the damage
This is how I take it all in and really get to know myself
How will I ever get the chance to turn this around
What if my pastor walked up to me on Sunday and told me I was hell bound

If I looked up into the sky and cried and cried
Would I get the chance to remind myself it's not my fault
Or would I continue the process of destruction and self loathing and hope to God the situation figures itself out

The ceiling is more blank now than it has ever been
It doesn't come as a surprise, but it doesn't offer me a solution
If I close my eyes and see stars
I hope I remind myself they're just in my imagination

Like all of my problems, they are all in my imagination
My brain is the only thing in my body besides my stomach that never stops turning
Like a wheel, my pessimism never seems to stop rolling
It just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling

I am getting just a little bit too car-sick
My bones are feeling just a little bit too homesick
And I am beginning to think that in the end of all of this
All of my problems will fall on me and cover me like a certain

*******
Agitated
Broken
Beaten
******
Ridiculous

The bandages have been ripped off whether I like it or not and it's up to me if I want to either watch myself bleed and cry about it or watch myself bleed and let it all flush itself out

Beginning after beginning, I keep creating fresh canvases only to ruin them with paint that won't ever wash out
Soil and soil and soil, it's all I'm ever used to
The feeling of pain and the price of pleasure are both two very similar lines that my body has never hesitated to cross

And my god, I am exhilarated

Jump on me like a trampoline and I swear to god I'll throw you off like a raging hurricane that's upset that we humans are ruining our planet's oceans without a second thought
My rib cage feels like it's been thrown against a brick wall and kicked relentlessly for hours
My mind is as hazy as the endless cigarette smoke you make me fill my lungs with
My inner being is at war with the outside world and I have a feeling that this is only the beginning

As I button down the hatches and hope for the best
I know that solitude will never make its way to me
I have to fight and fight and fight and never stop until I see it in my sights

I heard that if you want to make a living in this life, it's best to get your heart broken as many times as you can
That maybe if your heart bleeds just a little bit more each time, it will scar over and never stop becoming stronger
It puts hair on your chest and fire in your eyes and you deserve at least that much

This is a ******* war path and my struggles are wrapping themselves in knots at every twist and turn
But this is what I am here for, believe me when I tell you this
The tears in my eyes and the pain in my stomach are filling me up with rage that only the heavens will understand

This is no longer just a battle, it is war now
I am no longer just a soldier, I am a commander now
If there is anyone that could possibly take control and fight the good fight, it is I
If there is anyone that could possibly understand what is happening, it is I
If there is anyone willing enough to bleed until everything has bled out, it is I

I am a mess, but at least I am feeling
I am a mess, but at least one of these days this will all be over and I will finally be free

He looked like her father when he hit her
But this time, the bruises didn't stick around long enough for her friends to realize
It was all just one big misunderstanding
However love is not tough when tough involves fists
And fists are not tough when you love someone like this

I remember the first time I met you
You were so angry
You were crying
I walked up to you and I didn't even have to ask what was wrong
You just gave me a big hug and said to me "Cherish those around you before they are stolen out from under your feet"

The bones that break are the same bones that rebuild themselves ten times stronger
Your bones could build a bridge
And it would be so beautiful

"I am a work in progress and you will just have to deal with me" is one of the things I remember you saying to me
Those lips are the same lips that kissed mine when I told you that you were getting more and more beautiful by the day

Although your paint is still drying
Your colors are so vibrant and they blend so well together
You are going to turn out so beautiful
And everyone is going to admire you
Everyone on this planet
Everyone in this universe
You are a work of art

God bless the angel who protects you
God bless the angel who sent you