Come to me when you're ready, I've been waiting so anxiously,
In this moment I'm nothing, but in this moment you feel like everything,
I stayed up until the sun pushed away the moon, I've been waiting so patiently,
I'm so ******* sick and I can't take a breath without coughing, but I can't blame it on you, you just take so much of my breath away, effortlessly,
I do this **** to myself purposely but I don't have a purpose, not for you, and definitely not for me,
I do all of this subconsciously, I'm a wreck, a ******* waste, but I'm trying my best, please come back to me,
I'll get better, for the both of us, I promise, I'll stop everything

I don't know what makes me more bitter, the fact that I'll never be able to get over it or the fact that I'll never get any ******* closure,
Or maybe I'm just bitter because of the way you lead me on, like you were something so ******* special, something not to be stepped on,
But I guess my body is a doormat, only a stepping stone for you in hopes you'll be able to find a home,
You'll never find yourself in anyone else so stop ******* trying, and for god's sake, just tell me you're going to hurt me next time so at least I'll be warned

I guess heartbreakers like you don't need a trigger warning,
I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, I know I'll do it to myself to find some kind of solace but I know you won't say goodbye in the morning and everything about it will be so ******* hurtful,
But I'll do it anyways, and knowingly, I'll grab a hold of you and pull your heartstrings just to hear the music and makeup some kind of false love to make all of this feel like it's purposeful,
But I know there's no purpose to this at all,
I'll break my own heart over this just to keep learning how to build stronger walls,
And I hate myself for that,
I hate that I feel so ******* small,
I hate this and I hate myself but I can't find anything in me that hates you and that's what hurts most of all,
You'll never be there for me but you keep coming back because you know I can't just watch you fall

*******, I don't need you, I just need cigarettes and alcohol and poetry and loud music and good friends and genuine lovers who'll take care of me until the end,
And I can't wait until I can fall asleep again,
It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep and that's your fault,
So I'm writing this ****** poem for you while my mind feels gray and dull hoping that everything in my body just turns numb

I'm sorry I wasn't enough, but I'm not sorry about this poem,
I just hope these other people can love you like you want them to,
Just know that I won't be here when you come back, but I'd love to see it when it happens, I bet you're even more beautiful when you crawl

I guess this is what you get for breaking a poet's heart

When your momma tells you she loves you, say it back

Stay distanced from your family as much as you feel you need to, but don't cut yourself out completely

Your grades are not as important as they're all making them out to be, don't be afraid to care for yourself as much as you need to

Listen to your music loud and be forgiving, but not forgetful

Believe in yourself even though you can't believe in a god

Stop forcing yourself to go to your parent's church just to make your parents happy, being around a group of people so toxic is a lot to handle and you deserve better

When you start going to parties,
Don't let go of them so easily,  no matter how many drugs they are on, they will be some of the best people you will ever meet, do not take them for granted

When you walk by flowers, smell them, you have no idea how much they will mean to you one day

Eat your favorite meal as often as you want to,
Eat chocolate at any time of the day,
Just ******* eat something, anything

When she tells you she loves you, do not listen to her,
Do not listen to her friends,
Do not listen to a word she says,
Listen to yourself, you will be stronger than this one day

And

When this new girl talks about Brand New for the first time, just start crying, you'll need a good head start,
And when she takes you to see them live, hold her tight, even though you don't know this will be one of the last times you'll be able to look her in the eyes,
And when she chooses to go, don't run after her, as much as you want to, it's better this way, for the both of you

Recognize when you're getting bad again, it's dangerous when you don't, and you'll find that out soon

You will find people to kiss the scars, I promise you,
In the mean time just don't stop loving,
I know it's hard to love anything and I know it's hard to not hate it all and I know it's hard to stop your fast heart beat and I know anxiety is becoming a storm but listen to me carefully

Romanticize yourself,
You haven't felt loved in a long time and I can tell,
That there's more to this than those sleepless nights,
That there's more to this than the look of fear in your family's eyes

And when the time comes,
Do not try to **** yourself, even though I know at this point you've thought about it so many times

You are perfect,
There is more to this,
You are perfect,
There is more to this

And you are the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life, and you've seen a lot, but don't let any of that **** you

You're more than that,
And when you read this, take it to heart,
It'll help you out a lot

I can't help these tendencies to push people away from me,
I can't sleep, I'm too busy awake dreaming,
We all go to sleep in the same place, I just wish I didn't wake up feeling the same way,
Last night they said the fire had spread but I didn't even move my feet, I knew I couldn't change a thing, I let the fire consume me and from the ashes I was reborn, an angel drunk off Jesus' wine, I tried to look at the clock but the arms were broken, I guess we're all broken, even time

No care in the world,
A numb ******* hypocrite,
Dumb, ******* ridiculous,
I'm sick of it,
I want your body so badly, I'll do anything, I'll even rip my own wings off, I never deserved them anyway,
You never deserved me anyway, and I'll say it,
When it came to our love we were spastic, We were made out of glass but we acted like we were plastic,
We knew it was fake, but we acted like we would've lasted,
It just ended with you laughing in my face, I thought I saw right through you, like nothing was going to go wrong, but I guess you broke my glasses,
I can never seem to see straight

I wanna be pure, I wanna go back in time before I was hurt,
I want what I deserve,
And I don't deserve this,
Or maybe I do, and I'm just having a hard time getting up the nerve to notice

My body is a disaster, I haven't cleaned it in months,
I've been waiting for you to visit so I decorated my walls,
But my insides are a wasteland, especially my lungs,
I just couldn't kick your habits after you kicked me in the heart,
But I can't say that I'm sorry, because I'm not

It's not like it used to be,
I got so used to you, but it felt like you were never used to me,
It felt like you were using me,
And I was so used to being used that I got used to feeling like no one was ever going to use me but you showed up and I gave you a crown made out of roses, you sat on everything I owned,
You will look for me in everyone new that you meet but you will never find me because I treated you like a queen,
And you got used to it, just like I get used to everything,
And now that you're gone, I'm getting used to being alone

At this point it doesn't even hurt anymore, I'm used to being alone

Aren't they always so perfect?
In heartbreak I'm a broken juggernaut, she loves me, she loves me not,
She took my veins and tied them into knots,
My bloodstream is full of sadness,
And my bones are full of happiness,
See I'm so busy breaking my own bones and she's so busy filling my blood with sadness,
That when the blood finally bleeds through, it's colorless, I guess that's what I get for becoming so emotionless,
But they made me this way, it doesn't feel like that because I can't remember the last time someone stayed and when it comes down to it, it feels like there's nobody but myself to blame

You know ****'s really rough when even your therapist says he's never seen you so disheveled,
And now more than ever I wish I were deep in the ground somewhere with fresh dirt on top of me being looked down on by someone with a shovel,
Never again, never again will I let myself breathe, I feel it all weighing down so ******* top of me,
She weighed down so ******* top of me, the only relief either of us got, was when she was laying down on top of me,
But there's more to love than just lust and sometimes a simple **** just isn't enough, but that won't stop either of us from using either of us,
Neither of us have been happy in a long time and neither of us have felt loved in a long time,
But it isn't too late to start trying,
I keep telling myself that, but I know I can't try hard enough for the both of us

I can't stop breaking my own ******* heart over people who just don't give a **** and I'm so ******* sick of it but I write poetry for a living so I guess I'll have to live with it

You're so hot when you're cold,
I love it when you use me, I love it, being worthless, but don't worry, I'll act like there was some kind of value about me,
Just like there was something special about you, every single one of you,
You're all gone now but I can't stop thinking about you so I guess you'll live on forever, if not in my heart, then in my poetry,
I'm a ******* trainwreck right now and I'm surprised I still have empathy,
Please be nice to me, please show me sympathy,
I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel nothing but love for my enemies and I don't want to, I want them to hate me,
I want them to leave and never come back, I just want the thoughts in my head to get the **** away from me

I'm sorry

I can't figure out why I keep caring for things that don't care for me and I'm finally starting to realize that that's so unhealthy,
If I'm missing you I'm missing a part of me and I hate that, I can't keep saying sorry, but I never did I anything worth an apology, I just can't come to terms with any of it and it makes me feel better if I take myself away from it by being a recording played over and over and over

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

It's not my fault, it never was, but I make it that way

******* sniffing, love eluded, ill informed with ill intentions,
You never bothered to say bye but that doesn't matter if nothing mattered after I said hi, *******, you heartbreaking ***** of a lover, before this even started it was over, now I'm wishing for death, looking like death warmed over, but all of that's besides the point, if you called, I'd still come over,
And I hate myself for that

I'll never get it back,
Kissed my life goodbye when I skipped Bible study with you to get high, haven't prayed in a minute, I'm not the closest with the Big Guy, and I know that,
Wish I spent my time worrying more about the future than I do about the throwbacks, nostalgia vulture, upset at you for caring less about the world and caring more about the culture

It's getting weirder for me to be here, look at her smile, wish I could fix her

We were walking down the sidewalk and you hated your mother so much that you went out of your way to step on every crack,
You were bad for me, but I knew that, I kept singing your song, even if my voice cracked, because I loved you, but don't worry too much, I'd ******* **** myself before I wanted you back,
And I know it doesn't seem that way when you're all I can write about,
But I'm only writing it down because it's all I can think about, and I think you like that

I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth

I kept the fear in my mouth and I wanted to use the gun to shoot it out but I ended up just swallowing it and using it as the inspiration to write this, I hope you don't mind

Been awake since you left because I can't sleep without sleeping on your side of the bed, and I don't want to,
I spend my days writing letters with no return address because I don't want you to write back, not that you even would, but besides that, I've been wreckless without you,
I ******* hated alcohol before you, but I spend my nights drunk as fire thinking about what I'd do to get the time back,
I miss you, wait **** that, sorry, that's just the wine talk,
No I'm not sorry, ******* and everything that you came with,
******* and all the demons you came with,
You molded me into everything you wish I would've came with,
Sculpted my cracks into smooth creases, you made me brain dead,
But besides that

I might just have to turn cold and heartless, it's not like you've given me any other option

That's all for now, I'm sure there'll be a next time, until then,
Just remember who gave up

I didn't have breakfast that morning,
I was going to be late for class and I ran out of gas, so I figured I'd take the bus instead, I've never been a rich man, and what money I do get, I spend it on cigarettes and flowers for a love that doesn't even exist

Sweaty and tired, just like I spend every morning, I finally get to class only to find out it's been cancelled, typical,
I scrounge around my pockets and book bag to find some change to get a snack, I didn't eat last night either,
A woman next to me saw me staring and she offered to give me some change, but she walked away before I could get a name,
Hearing my stomach growl I quickly stick the money in the machine and wait for the energy bar to fall down, but it doesn't, it gets stuck, and I'm left there just staring at it, and thinking about it for a while, how upsetting it is to realize that this is what happens every time

See, it's funny because this **** happens all the time,
They always come along to save me and offer me some kind of change, and foolish, I fall for it, hoping maybe this time it'll be different, but it never is,
They always leave before I seem to even get their name, and they leave me with something that I just end up getting stuck on in the end, and it drives me crazy until I can't stand it anymore,
It's so fake, everything is so fake,
The glass is so transparent and it really makes me think that I won't fall for any of it anymore, but it never fails,
Like, this time will be different,
I know exactly who you are, and I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, but I'm always proven wrong,
Or you always stop halfway through it all and just seem to leave me hanging, literally, like a snack stuck in a vending machine

So I walk back to the bus stop that morning, tired, and hungry, and just wanting to be back home,
I know it's just an energy bar, and I know what happened isn't really that big of a deal, but like every other morning, I could've really used the energy

I mean maybe it's good I didn't get the energy, I'm too tired now of this happening over and over to give any of it any of my energy anymore, so I digress

Love will keep offering me change to get some energy out of a vending machine, and maybe one morning I'll finally get it

By the time you read this, my car will be somewhere in the Ohio River,
By the time you hear this, I will be long gone, do not try looking for me, I will not be found

I made up my mind eventually,
I went home,
I packed a suitcase with my favorite shirts and shoes and hats,
I was too afraid to leave a note, but I should mention that I don't think I'm ever coming back,
I know I have a lot of responsibilities and it's stupid of me to leave,
But it's the responsibilities that made me want to leave in the first place,
I'm sorry I never grew up, I'm sorry I'm a big baby,
Above all, I'm not trying to prove anything, I just need to get away

Before you even mention it, I stopped going to classes weeks ago, besides, I was never really one for commitment, you know this,
And I'm sorry you had such high hopes for me, I don't really have much to say about that, besides sorry  

Like clockwork, I stand in my kitchen every night,
Silhouetted by the refrigerator light,
Searching for something to eat but I don't find a single thing, nothing sounds or looks good, even slightly, I haven't eaten in weeks,
I'm surrounded by the darkness now more than ever even though the sun is shining,
I'm sick of it,
But I'd be nothing without it,
It's kinda my thing,
But I don't got a lot to show for it,
You know what I mean?

Got a lot of money but it doesn't mean a thing,
I'm as broke as ever and it doesn't even feel like I have time to breathe,
But I manage,
Like I was told back in therapy,
Not everyone leaves,
and sometimes I just need to blink but I'm afraid if I blink I'll miss everything happening,
So I've been awake for days looking up at my ceiling hoping maybe if I prayed one of these gods was listening,
I don't got a lot to lose, right?
I don't really believe in miracles but maybe this time is different,
Like, maybe if I showed interest someone or something will talk back to me,
Even if nothing happens, I know I need to start caring, start trying,
It's just hard sometimes

So my plan is to drive off the bridge,
Maybe something will stop me,
Even if nothing happens, there's nothing wrong with trying,
And if I drown, I drown,
I was never really one for swimming,
There's no life jacket where I'm going,
But I'm fine with that,
Maybe I'll see you again sometime

I'm sorry

Lace up,
Mask up,
Speak up,
It is now or never,
I am not yours and you are not mine,
The sky is for the taking and the ground is for the shaking,
We ride until dawn and we take it all without stopping,
I take the thoughts hostage and I'll be ****** if I ever let them go without some kind of revenge,
I'm a sickened ******* madman with nothing to lose and one by one I'll rip off all of the bandages,
I'll let the blood spill and pool into puddles on the cement and I'll step through every single one of them without giving a ****, and that's a promise

The war is hardly over, in fact it's just beginning and I fear we've only seen the half of it, we've only scratched the surface,
Brothers, hold your sisters,
Fathers, love our mothers,
We don't have much time, but we do have the fire

I'm going to set the whole ******* world on fire,
Not even your god can stop us,
I'm going so fast, not even the rails can hold us,
Tie me down and watch me suffer, I love it like this,
I'll break my own heart, I don't need your help with it,
I'll spit in the reaper's face and dare him to take me, we all know he wouldn't do a ******* thing about it or else we'd be gone, a dead rose blinking,
Thinking ruins everything and by that I mean I'll never stop thinking,
I'll never stop the swinging, I'll never come clean and by that I mean I'll never stop wreaking

I've fallen head over heals for the daughter of happiness,
She does that thing with her lips that gets us all heated,
I'm talking about sadness, the mistress of the century,
We are more broken now than ever and I ******* live for this,
Without it I am nothing,
I guess you could call it a problem but I'm problematic so what's the difference

I know you love me but I'm not in a position to reciprocate and I'm sorry for that but there's just a lot happening,
A broken jar without someone to pickup the pieces,
A research paper written about love but I can't even finish the ******* thesis

Everything is ***** and everything is muddy but I can't be beaten,
I've been drowning for a while now because I don't want to look for a beacon

I love it like this, trust me, it doesn't seem like it but I have my reasons

I'm sorry until I'm not and I'll fight until it stops, I'm a mess and I'm leaking, this war will last through every season

And at the end of it, I will be the only one standing

I was raised a pacifist but I swear I'd fight my head until the cops come in,
Hope the demons come to get me, pray the Lord will come and take me,
Even my own friends hate me but I don't give a ****, I wish it'd end, I'll go out without a safety and I'll regret nothing

Up for what seems like three days,
I don't go to class like I'm supposed to on week days,
Mama, I promise I wanna learn but I can't remember anything for the life of me,
I'm too busy spending my time forgetting,
Throwing my head against the wall,
Face down in the dirt trying to figure it out,
Surrounded by fallout, drinking water from the rotten ground,
A smile from ear to ear but none of it's real, I'll drown in the creek before I tell you how I really feel

All I know how to do is breakup,
It's just so hard to make a makeup,
It's fake when I look up,
Look down, I'm hungry, eat the paper,
Recycle the words, been here for days, throw up the takeout,
You make my skin feel *****, enough to breakout,
It's all in a day's work, you know?
Being a wreck, but I can't complain too much because I'm the creator

Sundays are my sad days and Mondays are my bad days and Tuesdays are my mad days and Wednesdays are my glad days,
Another half week down the drain,
I give, you take, you're real, I'm fake,
You say I'm too much to handle but a little glue and some feathers, baby, I could be your angel,
I'll fight your demons faster than you can say Amen,
Hey man, it's me again, thought I'd stop by and let you know that I love you and you're a good friend and I hate seeing you so sad, so let's get some lunch soon,
But we both know I'll never see you again

I wanna feel it in my skin, be intoxicated, grow flowers from the roots of my veins and crush my bones into powder used to polish the statues I made of you, when I see them I just want to scream louder,
Louder until it's all over and the lights are off because I've lost power, see, there's a storm coming and it's raging harder than I ever have and the skies are getting darker than my heart ever has been

Loopholes in the soft sand,
Broke down but I still can,
Imagine a point in time when I never wanted any of this to end,
How childish of me to waste time giving a **** about the fakes and the loose ends,
Got good friends but I'm still down,
Got bad vibes but I still smile,
Got a lot to give but I'll only give a little,
Because I'm scared,
And that's natural

I just want to keep it coming until they have to stop me,
I just want to let them know that there's no hell without a heaven, I'm looking down the barrel, sniffing lead, wishing for poison, go ahead, let it be, I'm going a hundred miles an hour,
I may or may not be their guy and I do know I'm lying, but I've never told a lie

The moment we say enough is enough is the moment we die

I used you,
I used you for the inspiration to write this and I'm not sorry,
I broke your heart over mine and your tears became the ink to this pen and I do not feel bad about it, any of it

You were close to the edge and I pushed you, I pushed all of you,
I knew you weren't ready but I pushed you so I could catch you and become the hero, besides, there's gotta be a hero in all of this, right?
A real ****** nice guy,
A miserable excuse for a lover,
Don't touch her, she's mine, all mine,
And I watched her knees bend until they hit the pavement,
Execution for drowning in heartbreak's debt, you asked for this, you know that, right?

I saw your breath and I breathed it in, it spoke to my head in twists and bends,
There's just something here that I need to get rid, of,
Mice and Men, I was Lennie and you were George, we all know how this ends,
You were always so smart but there were cracks in your skin and I was so stupid from your love but I felt strong enough to make all of your wounds mend

When I get to Heaven I wonder if I'll see any of my friends,
Or if Heaven in and of itself is a sin,
I'll never know because as long as you knew me, I made you my religion and I prayed every single night to you, it's only natural that you left, just like Jesus did,
But you never died for any of this,
You just kicked baggage into my chest like mud onto my shoes and now I'll never be able to walk clean again,

I can't seem to get enough of your love, and,
At this point I'm swallowing your pills by the dozen,
I can't wait to wrap this up in a big bag and nail it in a coffin,
I'm sorry if I was a mistake then, but you have my body rocking and it's going a million miles an hour in circles now, it's coming loose at it's ends

I have a lot of friends who lost a lot of friends to ******, Jesus Christ, what are you trying to prove? That I'm still not over you? I don't wanna think about you but thinking about you is just what I do and I can't stop myself, even if I wanted to

Somewhere between genuine ignorance and outright blissfulness, we're either getting there or we're suffering, so what's the point anyway?

This is a bad decision but I ******* love suffering more than anything so you really know I'm not going to stop any of this any time soon and I hope you feel the same because at this point I'd be absolutely nothing without you and I ******* hate myself for that more than any of you could ever understand

But I can't stop, so I won't

Victim victim,
Red ***, red ***,
Send hatred right over,
I set my eyes on fire and cry to put them out,
I tore my bible apart and laid down on the pages in hopes my demons would spill out,
I kissed death on the lips and made love with her body,
It felt good

There's something so liberating about watching the toxins run dry,
I didn't wanna tell you this, but the apologies sounded more like hymns than they did tragedies, and,
The look you gave me was ******* crazy and I knew right then and there that there wasn't gonna be a ******* thing in this world that could rip you out of me, and I think I like that,
It gives me something to feel emotional about,
Feel sentimental about,
Something about cyanide makes it taste better on the way back up than it does going down,
What happens when the hero becomes the heroine? I'd **** a man with my bare hands if given the chance, and after that I'd teach his corpse to dance like the needles in his veins

You got me feeling off white,
No lights,
Can't see, in my feelings deeper than the Dead Sea,
I've been so ******* blue, see,
Heartbreaker, please, come along and ruin me,
Lungs black, too filled up with smoke to breathe,
Been knocking on the door for forever now because I lost the key

We didn't say **** to each other for minutes, maybe hours,
I don't remember,
Not that it even matters,

I count the tulips in my head until I fall asleep and your face is all that I see,
Two lips, two fists, twisted, intertwined in one another, and I'm not giving anything up until I have to,
You ****** the blood out of my neck like Nosferatu and the stream felt like a million waterfalls and nothing feels real anymore

I carried the weight of the world and then some, your body felt like a backpack and sometimes I wish I had a bullet big enough to **** the sun

Red rover, red rover,
Send recklessness right over,
High off the adrenaline but I know I'll crash too soon to even give a ****,
This knife felt better going in because at least then I didn't know it even existed, back before it all happened it seemed like I had such better luck

Tummy tuck, semi truck, run me over, slice me open,
You were gone by the time I'd woken,
But there was something about you and that night that felt so golden

I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was, when everything felt normal and I was normal, but here's to hoping

Rally the horses,
Tally the corpses,
Go manic and shoot off your body like it's a gun,
The walls bleeding bright red, dripping into puddles on the bed,
I always tell myself that I wasted so much time, but time is irrelevant when everything feels dead,
60 seconds 60 minutes 60 ****** knives, we both lead such ****** ****** lives

And she said I know it's hard but this will get better
This will get better

I remember when you told me you were going to set the whole ******* world on fire, what happened?
I remember when you stopped and regretted it and I remember holding onto all of it as much as I could because I knew you couldn't handle any of it, not anymore

Go supernova and leave them all in your wake,
A no good do gooder drunk through the relapse with broken teeth,
You were always here but it never seemed like you were enjoying even a minute,
Emotional asphyxiation is such a heavenly way to die but you're the apple of my eye and as much as I don't want to,
I need to say it

And she said I know it's hard but this will get better
This will get better

I never stopped to ask you how you were feeling because every time I stopped you just told me to keep going and I'm
done with it,
You get the jist,
Tried eating and I just get sick,
Tried sleeping but the bad dreams never end,
Sipping yellow paint, filled with yellow haze,
In a craze I'm in a maze and my head won't rest,
Hate being happy, being sad is the ******* best,
I'm sorry

Broken poet, baptized and drenched in Sisyphus,
Beaten ****** pessimist,
I wanna fight it but I'm too much of a pacifist,
Brittle even with vitamins,
I never knew disaster could look like this,
I digress, I'm ****** twisted and you all can't get enough of it,
Keep em comin 'til I drown in my own spit,
The way you're talking makes you sound like a ****** lunatic but ******* I can't seem to get enough of it

I need you,
I shouldn't say this but I need to

Toxicity's filling my veins and the numbness is clogging my arteries,
You can't swim well in a dead sea

I tried to fight through the fog of your feelings but it was too dense to see, anything,
I never knew you had such a lust for blood until I saw the fangs,
Inside of us are such broken pretty things

You were such a broken pretty thing and I need you,
I said it, I ****** need you

It's been soaking for a while now and I think it's best it finally bled through,
I'm finally realizing you were right when you said it was for the best that we were

through

I shouldn't have said this, but I needed to

A wolf in sheep skin,
Depression's kingpin,
Lost in addiction, so spiraling it makes my ******* head spin,
Cigarettes and gin, a beautiful girl lost in a lover's world, the process over and over again

A smooth slick ******* who doesn't give a **** about heartbreak,
A cold and lonely evening, a real earth shaker,
Heartbreaker,
Hymn chanting, shot chasing, sadness cannibal,
A glass half full,
Or half empty

4am again,
Is this pack half full or half empty,
Never see, never see, Neverland, the promised land, watch it bleed,
****** river, ****** knuckles, broken teeth, a golden rose sprouting from a blackened soil, see

"You lost me"

Cut up and sewn together, mix matched with a crying messiah,
Flown up then crashed down,
Teared up with tears rolling down,
Smack the frown off of my face and leave me sunny side up over easy, pepper dripping, salt throwing, ******* train wreck of a human being,
It's never been easier, trust me,
Keep myself awake for a few days straight then rip my guts out until I convince myself that all of my problems can be fixed just by sleeping

Stormy weather with the windows open,
Sunny weather with the blinds all pulled shut,
Wish I could find a way to just not give a ****

You're pessimistic, pacify her, burn her up in holy fire, drown yourself in holy water,
Forgive the angels for your daughters,
Poetic slaughters, words ripping through all of us,
I'll give a lot but I won't give up,
I'll stay up until the sun's up but I won't cry anymore than I have to

Sometimes it's like that,
Sometimes it's easier to fight back,
Throwing punches until the lights are out,
Blacked out until the stars come out,
A kaleidoscope of misfortune,
Prescriptions on prescriptions,
Haven't peaked yet but I know I'm worth a fortune,
Frowny faces I'm drowning tasteless,
Not sweet enough for any of your senses but too bitter to take any chances

Sometimes it's like that

Better gear up for the long fight,
Hasn't come yet but I'll hold tight,
I'm here to take it all and put it into a different light, see

War never changes,
And neither will I

I can't stop talking about heartbreak,
I guess I'm just too sentimental about it,
Then again we all know that we can't stop talking about things that we love,
I just can't realize why I love it so much,
I guess I'll never really know,
I just know that I have to keep writing about it or else it'll write me instead and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if something like that happened,
Then again, I can't ever sleep at night regardless

There's just something about it,
I can't really put my finger on it,
I just love being sad

Sadness does that thing with its tongue that we love so much,
It's always taking cherry stems and tying them into knots,
It never stops to think if it's hurting us,
It never stops to ask us if what it's doing is alright,
Then again it knows that we'll never ask it to stop because it knows that we love it too ******* much

I don't have anyone to talk this through with,
I need help but I don't want it because this is all that I've ever known,
See, not knowing what's going on, that's what scares me the most,
But why would you turn down happiness? Why would you not want both?
I'm sorry I'm coming off a little crazy,
I swear I'm not a ******,
I just love,
Too much

I'm not one for tying knots but,
If nowhere else, you can find me at the bottom of some rope,
I love to hate love and I love the cigarettes that I smoke,
I love the feeling of being alone,
Even though I just love to talk,
******* I ****** hate this,
But honestly it's all that I've got,
So for the rest of forever I'll take it and run,
But for you I'll make it seem like I'm just going for a walk

I was told to find what I love and let it **** me,
*I think I found it

You told me to text you whenever I got home safe,
Well I hope you're willing to wait,
Because I'm not really sure where home even is anymore,
Better yet you're better off thinking I passed away,
It's been a long time since I caught a buzz off of love,
All I've been knowing lately is heartbreak,
All I've been looking forward to lately is yesterday,
Nostalgia eating me up like my happiness is at stake

I never knew Sadness until Happiness decided it was time to part ways,
She was a drug over and over I was willing to take,
She made my whole body feel like a gun and She made the whole world look gray,
She convinced me that colors were only out to get me,
It's crazy how little it takes

I can still see the fear in Her eyes and I can still feel Her heartbeat,
She's scared,
She knows She won't last long so She's doing the best She can with what She's got,
She's got a tiger in Her spine and fire coming out of Her face but She won't last long here,
It never really lasts long here

She's the kind of girl you take pictures of when you're in a museum looking at pictures of what once was,
She's here and She knows it,
That's the sad part,
Nothing happy about this,
Not a lot,
Not even a little,
Riddle me with birds and bees and I still wouldn't be able to tell you who I've stung and,
Please,
When She enters the room, give all of your attention to Her feet,
If I don't get on my knees She'll make this way worse than it has to be

I'm not sure how or when it gets better,
Or if sadness (I mean she) goes away,
All I know is that to this day, I've been sitting here, waiting,
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Happiness, again
Will show Her face

I don't want to become obsessed with you just when you become undressed,
Would you, fall in love with me as much as I fell in love with you,
I want to, gather up all the stars and put them in a bag for you,
I want to, fly you to the moon,
Would you, kiss me in the rain until all we see is sunshine,
Burn bright,
Our passion and our worst fears just seem to collide,
Every time I'm with you,
Every time I'm with you,
Everything else just seems to fade away

I can't usually see, but this, I can see clear as day,
Everywhere your mind goes, I follow, even if I won't want to, I'll go there anyway,
There are 12 months in a year and trust me when I tell you that I'll find 12 different ways to love you, if you just gave me a chance,
I don't like dancing, but may I have this dance?
Let me put it this way,
You fit me better than my favorite pair of pants

Told me you wish I wasn't so pretty so you didn't have to try so hard,
Hold you, in my arms, watch you fall asleep, I can only hope you dream of me and not someone else,

This isn't a love song, this isn't a love poem,
I don't want you to turn this up until you can't hear anything else,
I just want you to look at me like you look at everyone else

I've grasped onto every possible option available to me,
I've sang the hymns, I've had the drinks, I've prayed the prayers,

So close, yet so far,
An eclipse of emotions and actions, one taking turn over the other,
A sad messiah weeps on the alter of everyone and begs for chance after chance,
I love you so much, but do yourself a favor and don't give me one

Be someone I can rely on, it's all I'm asking, I guess that's a little too much,
I guess I'm just a little too much

I'm so strung out by the thought of it,
Dug down into the dirt from it,
Pulled out from my comfort zone and thrown into the sun, getting more and more dried up by the minute, as if my body even has any tears left in it,
I can't run from it,
I can't hide from it,
I can't even fight it because how am I supposed to fight it if I can't even look it in its face

It looks like I haven't slept for days because I haven't slept for days,
Tumbling down the slippery ***** of being comfortable in the uncomfortable,
I've been so upset for so long that it feels weird to not be,
It feels weird to be okay,
I don't like it, so I stick to feeling blue instead of anything else because it's just what I know best

Yeah fine whatever I'll get the help I need when I need to, for now I'll just ****** **** myself one minute at a time, hopefully the clock will stop and let me breathe for a ******* second,
I told myself that if I stopped I would die so I just started spinning and spinning until everything became so blurry I could hardly tell what I was doing and it feels like now I can't stop,
If anything I've learned that if anyone is underground long enough that means that they're dead,
Please just ******* help me, grab a shovel and start digging,
I can't do this by myself,
Even though I know I'm suffering,
I'll cry every chance I get


The only reason I started drinking was because my ex girlfriend's therapist told her that it's bad to keep things bottled up,
I never stopped, not because I love the taste of it, just because it feels better on the way back up,
It lets me know I'm not alone,
My sour stomach or my rotting bones, it doesn't matter,
I love to feel like I'm alive even if I'll forget

I retrace my memories and soak them in the pool of veins from which they came,
One of these has to make sense now,
There's gotta be something here that warned us of this,
I've been looking for a while and I guess I was wrong the entire time

I should've known from the start that this was a bloodbath and there was nowhere to run from this,
That conflict was the point of it all and we would be absolutely nothing without it

If we keep making bad art in hopes that it turns good we will never be artists,
Art is ugly and so are we

I am god and so are you

You made a home in my bones
You made a home in my bones*

You crawled into my bones and you made a home and now you won't leave,
You don't even pay rent,
All you're good for is picking me up and throwing off of my feet,
*******, I'm tired of it

I'm tired of being awake when I should be asleep,
I'm tired of covering up for you because we both know that you can't speak,
You're too weak to fend for yourself,
So you latch onto me and feed until I can't tell the difference between being free and wanting to feel free,
Until I can't tell the land from the seas,
My head, that is, drowning, because you tied this anchor to my feet,
And I'm getting tired of swimming,
I miss the trees and the sand of the beach

I miss waking up and actually wanting to do things,
I miss eating pancakes whenever I felt like it but now I don't feel like it at all,
I don't even want to eat,
I miss listening to music for the hell of it,
Now I can't even listen to music without feeling a tear roll down my cheek,
After the dirt got the best of me I'd climb onto my roof and pretend I was a bird,
I just wanted to feel something

I was so ******* scared of saying something about it but now I feel so powerful I can hardly speak,
All of this, it's not just a dream,
I am alive and I am proud of knowing that I made it this far,
All there is up to reach,
Because I've been at the very bottom for as long as I can remember and ******* I'm tired of it,
I think it's time for you to leave

What? Are you scared that I'm talking to you directly?
I'm telling you right now that you no longer have that power over me,
Just go pack all of those bags and do your best to stay the hell away from me

I'm sorry for screaming but I'm just so excited to finally be myself, the thought is crazy to me,
Like, I've gotten so far in the past few years to give it all up without battling,
I can hear the coffin door rattling,
I can see the sun through the clouds now, it feels like this sadness is shattering

I'm tired of it, I can say it over and over,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I can feel my lungs again, I'm breathing,
I thought I'd never see the day where someone would ask me if anything was wrong and I'd reply with "hardly",

I can smell the flowers again,
I can see the vibrant colors of the petals like it's my first time on LSD,
I can look up without a care in the world again, I thought I'd never say that, it's always been so foreign to me,
But what's happening is beautiful, this sense of empowerment that seems to rip through the cloudiness of it all every now and then to show its face to me, how it's so lovely to realize that I am more than what my demons seem to be

This is beautiful,
I am beautiful

I am alive and I am proud of it

It's nights like these that I tend to think about you,
Don't get me wrong, I think about you all the time,
Just nights like these in particular seem to stand out,
It's like you're watching me,
Like you're leaning over my shoulder,
Like some kind of guardian angel,
Yeah, I know you weren't anywhere near an angel, I'd just like to think you were,
Like I've been through so much with so many people that it's just nice to think that there's something good chasing away the bad,
I know we all wish it really worked like that

She sat there on that same exact bench at the same exact time every single day,
And you watched her like clockwork,
Too afraid to introduce yourself or even look at her other than from the corner of your eye,
Her favorite trees were cherry blossoms,
Her favorite color, violet,
Her grandmother lived on the coast,
None of these are true, you're just imagining these things to give yourself some kind of grip here,
Some kind of confidence in the fact that you're lonely now,
So lonely to the point where you think the birds in your backyard enjoy your company more than your friends do,
And you record yourself singing into your phone because you always wanted to see what it would be like to hear something other than the thoughts that take your ears and tie them into knots,
Consistently,
Destruction from the inside out,
Everything is pretty,
No matter what

I remember specifically the night you told me that I was everything you needed,
It didn't matter how drunk you were or how vulnerable I was, I'll hold onto that idea forever,
I know I'm nowhere near you but that never stopped me from trying,

You know that feeling you get when you're home but you just don't feel at home?
That feeling of uneasiness that just swallows you up and spits out your bones,
It's hard here

I've been in the river for as long as I can remember,
I just can't remember when I started trying to swim against the current instead of going along with it,
I just keep getting cut to pieces, bleeding everything out, everything, I can feel it,
The winds are as sharp as sheep shears,
We are all suffering here

Not dead but dreaming,
Numb to the feeling,
Alone in the morning after being held through the night,
Around her in the evening, looking at the moon as if it's her radiating that light,
It's hard here

She kisses my lips every chance she gets but I can't wait to kiss her goodbye,
Walking through the flowers and feeling the sunshine in the sky,
The way she seeps into my veins and makes me warm, nothing but lies,
It's hard here

I am breaking my own heart trying to save myself from her,
Depression isn't beautiful, in fact she's a liar,
We are all suffering here

I'm always talking in circles,
I always think until I can't sleep,
I'm always breaking myself on other people just to feel something,
This hurts more than everything but I'm starting to like the pain

I love to hate love and I'm destroying myself in these pages now,
Maybe if I tear myself apart no one else will get the chance to,
I love to feel full,
I think I'm making myself empty just so I have the chance to feel full,
Maybe I'm sick and this is all just a sorry excuse

Either way I'm a ****** up head in a sea of debt swimming to a shore that will never exist and I'm slowly realizing this,
I understand that I someday will die by this and afterwards they will cry for me,
Show no pity, I never wanted it,
Just light a cigarette and lay it on my grave,
Even the dead need their vices

I make myself decide over a bullet and a jacket,
If I take the jacket I'll get shot but I'll die warm,
If I take the bullet I'll be safe but I'll die freezing,
I'd rather be the sun than the moon,
I'd rather be bright and loved than cold and alone,
I'm dependent on the thought of dependency,
My body aches because it will never be independent,
Really I smoke cigarettes because it's nice to feel wanted,
Smoke in my lungs feels better than smoke in my heart,
Tar in my chest feels better than tar in my head,
I'm sorry

Rigor mortis,
This is predestined combustion,
This is feeling lustful,
This is feeling reckless when the Devil's at your doorstep,
This is getting eight hours of sleep seven days a week and still feeling restless,
This is the train that's gonna lead you out of this but this is the train ticket you wish you had,
This is forever,
This is the dead dandelion in the summer,
This is the wisp you blow into the ears of gods to make a wish,
This is feeling hopeful among the hopeless and forgetting what hope is,
Rigor mortis

This is forever, whether or not the sun shines

This is forever, whether or not the bandages are ripped off

This is forever, regardless

They lick their lips to the sight of my downfall,
The sinner, the saint,
The meaning's the same,
We can't get away from meaningless things and we spend our days just wasting away

Make love,
******* take drugs,
******* hate love,
For all we know we're gonna die young, so let's get ****** up until we're all numb

The venom is watching your every move and it is licking its lips just waiting to get a taste of your bloodstream,
Headstrong paradox,
Chatterbox chatterbox,
You love to talk **** yet you hate to live it,
I'd hate to see the way your neck pivots when those vulture eyes give your weary veins a place to rest,
Lie with them and die like the rest, get a glimpse of what ever after looks like,
We're all sick here, get used to it

If the devil's in the details then consider me satanic, I make my way into every crack and crease and turn your nights into days,
Angels weep for us,
The demons sweep us up and dump us out into the cold and empty roads and tell us to fend for ourselves,
So we spend more time driving aimlessly with the radio waves set on heaven than we do with our friends and family

When she died she took bits and pieces of us,
They're stuck on spiderwebs and bad intentions and they're not ever coming back,
We're not ever coming back,
But we love this,
We live for this,
We would be nothing without this,
I'd sell my soul if it were worth anything, trust me,
I kept myself away but I'm starting to like the pain

I met God and He shook his head at me,
I met the Devil and He handed me a bouquet of flowers,
Maybe I can grow my own garden of Eden using them and maybe this time we'll keep the apples out of it

Until the day comes when I feel I belong,
I'll keep singing the serpent's song,
I'll keep singing along,
I'll keep the covenant ****** and I'll set my pages on fire,
I'll keep pretending this matters and that I'm not just wasting away,
It's hard not to feel any other way

19.
You cut it open and let it fill the gaps with your blood,
You're exhausted,
The clouds in your head do everything they can to stick around, you wish people would do the same,
You are not surprised anymore,
You destroy yourself to get a taste of the bad because you've had the good and it just doesn't give you the high you crave anymore and you hate it but you can't stop,
You can't stop,
You're lighting fires, starting riots, you even take as many pills as you possibly can but none of this will make you feel anything and you're left feeling as empty as you did when you came into this,
Have you ever looked at yourself? I suggest you don't

18.
There are cigarettes on your breath,
Your eyes have bags under them that could hold the world and then some,
People come and go now, and you care a little bit, but not enough to do anything about it,
You got your license over the summer, the highways around here know you better than your family does at this point and you think you like that,
You think if you run away far enough from all of this that it'll go away,
You make yourself as busy as you possibly can in hopes that it will take your mind off of all of this,
You still think about her every day, but she doesn't think about you anymore, you don't do anything about this,
It's getting cloudy again,
You don't sleep as much anymore

17.
You get upset because you care more than they do, but you don't say anything,
You start to wear colors again because black just doesn't make you feel as pretty,
You want to feel pretty because they're  pretty and they deserve someone just as pretty,
Your demons aren't as ugly as hers, and you fight hers off to make it look like yours are as weak as your grandfather's spine, she doesn't buy it

16.
You lose your virginity,
You feel powerful,
You feel broken, but you feel powerful,
Everything hurts all of the time but you don't want to realize it because you're in love and being in love is powerful,
You watch her smoke cigarettes,
You smoke her cigarettes,
You break yourself on her because it is the first and last time you will ever feel like you're able to pick yourself back up when heartbreak pushes you down,
Your parents don't believe you're depressed,
You don't eat as much,
You can't sleep like you used to be able to, it hurts you,
Your best friend tells you that the only reason you're so sad all of the time is because you don't believe in God

16.
You start to believe in a god and you start to believe in yourself but you forget the difference

16.
You get high for the first time and you realize why addicts choose to live in their worlds instead of ours

16.
You wake up and you feel nothing

16.
You wake up and you feel nothing

15.
You try homeschool this year because your private Christian elementary school never prepared you for public high school and they force you so far into the ground that being a corpse sounds better than being a flower in the soil, you believe every word they tell you,
You isolate yourself,
You listen to extremely depressing music and you like it,
You start to wear all black,
You feel alone no matter how many people are around you,
You throw yourself into the snow on a cold December morning because at this point you just want to feel something, anything,
Your parents don't agree with you,
Your mother tells you to pray and your father doesn't even listen to you,
Your mother gets breast cancer this year,
You ask yourself how the anxiety is still letting you think for yourself since you realize something so deadly can spread so rapidly

14.
Your uncle takes his own life,
This is the first time you really think about death,
You wonder what it would be like to be like them,
To wake up and never feel anything ever again, and you kind of like it,
That cute girl you really like smiles at you in the hallway now, you've been at her for months,
It's funny how young love starts to take roots,
Everything is fine now

13.
Moving schools is hard, this is the first experience you have with losing friendships,
It's crazy how often they come and go now

12.
You can't even remember the last time you didn't get more than 8 hours of sleep,
Your dog is your best friend,
You don't even think about the color black, your favorite color is red like fire

11.
Your best friend's father kills her mother and then himself,
You wonder what it's like,
How wonderful it would be to make someone stay forever and never be able to leave  

10.
Your grandmother is alive,
She has a funny smell around her whenever you visit her,
There's this weird stick in her mouth that looks like it's on fire,
You don't like it

9.

8.

7.

6.
You can name every single kind of dinosaur that ever existed and you love hot wheels,
Your favorite food is peanut butter and jelly, but you only eat it if your mother makes it

5.

4.
Your grandmother loves to buy you toys,
She tells you that the memories are worth more than the money,
You remember this specifically

3.

2.
Your second birthday party includes a ball pit, hundreds of balloons, and all of your family members,
I wonder if this is what my funeral will be like

1.


0.
Your mother and father meet with the doctor again,
You're on your way and they've never felt more excited in their lives


I wonder if they ever wondered about how their little boy would grow up,
I wonder if they ever thought about how I would turn out,
I wonder if they ever wondered about everything that would happen to me

It's funny how everything someone experiences in their lives molds them into what they become,
Out of everything, I wonder what it was that made me so numb

Sometimes life feels slow,
Other times it feels like it's going a million miles an hour

Sometimes it feels like I'm living in dog years because I've seen too much to be this young

I am awake at midnight every night picking feathers from the wings of all the angels I have stolen,
I am being unhinged by the minute,
I am let loose, I am livid,
I am the Christ conscious abandoned,
I am losing time and I am losing friends

The ends of the earth are making a home in my garden and the molten flowers are seeping into my veins and will soon make me combust so I need to say what I need to say and make it quick before I run out of time

"We can no longer go on like this"
She is screaming at him and he is hearing nothing besides the rustling of the wind at his window

I am speeding down the highway with three cigarettes smoked one after the other and turning up my radio so loud that God is speaking to me through heaven's  radio waves

WE WILL GET THERE AND WE WILL SUFFER,
WE WILL GET THERE AND WE WILL SUFFER

Sulfur and cyanide and angel dust and complexes,
I am a ******* lunatic and I am being strung out over coffee tables and bathroom stalls,
I am a thread being pulled into hell,
I am unraveling before the ones who came before me and I am giving them hell,
I am finally understanding the difference between letting go and holding too close,
My bones yearn for something stronger than themselves,
I am absolutely destroying myself but I would not want this any other way, I can promise you that

A poet writes about wanting to escape to a world that's less crowded than his head,
A painter paints visions of a world he wishes he could own but will never get the chance to

Bukowski wrote about people finally looking like flowers at last but never was able to see the beauty in himself,
Van Gogh painted flowers that are now in museums but he used that same paint to try to poison himself

I am staying up until the sun comes out because I am no longer comfortable in the daylight

I am not killing myself, but I am suffering

This is a way of coping

This is a way of coping

It is like a ****** of crows flying to a corpse to eat their dinner,
They feast on sadness and heartbreak and they need to get their money's worth while they still can, I get that,
What hurts the most is that it is inevitable that they will come,
Regardless of anything, the crows will come and they will pick apart the bones as if the bones never belonged to anyone or anything before they arrived,
It's a cruel world and I guess things just have to be this way

"You just don't have to be so ******* soft about everything!"
He's screaming at her for the fifth time this week because she's decided that being alone is a hell of a lot scarier than being with someone who hurts you, even if they hurt you a lot

It is not my fault that I am like this,
It is not my fault that I am not hefty enough to hold this weight,
It is not my fault that fires start in my bones and heat my mind up so much that it starts to overheat and stop working,
It is not my fault that I stopped working,
It is not my fault that I cannot forgive myself for the things I did not do

A ****** of crows fly together and create a black cloud of desperation,
It's been a few weeks since I haven't seen any clouds and I've gotten drunk more times than I can count and I've smoked more cigarettes than there are trees,
I'm so sorry but they are gutting me from head to toe, the crows, the crows are eating everything I've made for myself up to this point like it's some kind of ******* waste,
Like everything I've made of myself from then until now, wiped out like it never happened,
Progress completely lost,
All sense of accomplishment gone,
This always happens

I'm sick and tired of telling myself that it isn't okay to tell myself that I love myself,
I'm hanging on here by the skin of my teeth and the tar in my lungs and it's lonely here, it's really, really lonely here

I say sorry a lot, but I'm not sorry about this, this, I'm so ******* sick of this,
I want this to go away,
I want them to go away,
The crows,
I want them to go away

I'm getting through this whether I want to or not, with or without anyone's help, I just have to keep reminding myself that these crows will never pick all of the meat away but they sure as hell will get as much as they can while they still have the chance

I should do the same

Sanctuary,
I will get to you someday
I will feel you in some way,
I can feel this, at least it's something,
They have the guts to scream but never know the words to say,
The ones who got in but couldn't wait to get away,
The girl from down the street who always smiled your way,
The euphoric atmosphere that your worst nightmares made clear as day,
I always knew it, I just never knew exactly what to say

This is a morning when I step into the streets and fall in love aimlessly, hoping to somehow, some way fix myself using someone else,
A morning that's too brisk to not wear a jacket, but too hot to not break into a sweat,
A morning where each drag of a cigarette hurts my throat, but takes my mind off of my upset stomach,
I'm spiraling, but I'm taking others down with me, even when I don't want to

I'm sorry,
I'm just tired,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry

The leaves blowing up and down the road are almost as restless as my mind is when I try to wrap my head around why you left,
Maybe I can fill the void with someone else, and maybe when I stop talking to them for no real reason, they will go on to do the same,
I don't mean for this to happen, but I fear that it's inevitable,
I don't know how to fix myself,
It's like I'm trying to fix something that was never really broken to begin with,
I hope now you understand what it's like to deal with this

I'm not truly sorry, but I'm going to keep apologizing because nothing else that I could possibly say sounds better

I just never know exactly what to say

Everything is so bright but also bleak,
I just never know exactly what to say,
I want to get away from here,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Please,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Help,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Me

This hurts like hell, I just never know exactly what to say

Hello, 4am, it's me again,
Hello, grandmother, I'm sorry I never called you again,
Hello, mother, father, I wish it was me speaking

How many times do I have to say it, Son? It's just your emotions,
Father, it feels like my emotions are waves, and I'm at war with the ocean,
Momma, I was kinda hoping that you'd listen while I still had the chance to say something

I guess this is all for boasting,
Maybe if I share it online, my name will get a couple of postings,
My twitter feed will grow famous,
My pretty and depressed Tumblr blog will attract the ones like them, the ones who use sadness as an accessory,
The ones who don't take it seriously, but really just "hate themselves more than anything",
I can't ******* take any of you seriously,
Seriously, there's a monster in my head and it's burrowing itself out to cover for me

I'm not even here anymore,
I might as well not even pretend to be,
It's hard to be bright when the dark is all that you see,
She, is all that I see,
He, is all that I see,
Them, they, are all that I see,
I don't want to ******* see anything,
I just want to melt the ice and see the roses in the spring

But don't mind me,
It's not like I'll make any of this apparent for others to see,
It's kind of hard to do something like that when the blue you see is black to me and the grass is grey, not even a little green

Trust me, I've tried the drinking,
And yes, I've tried the smoking,
But none of it is helping, not even a little bit, I still feel it, I still see it,
I still feel hollow
I don't want to be alone,
I just want to feel at home,
But I don't

I'm tired,
I'm tired

I called God to ask him if I could still get into Heaven if I killed myself,
The operator told me that God called in sick today,
Take this as a plea for help, yes,
Take this back to your home, yes,
Take this into consideration, yes,
Take my life,
I just want someone to take it before something else does

Cold sweats and shower heads leak into the seams of our worst fears and dreads,
Momma didn't raise no fool,
I'll be good as dead when they finally show

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I can feel it again,
The existential dread,
Crawling through my bones, out of my skin and into my head

My best friend is my wall,
I drink to numb the feeling,
She don't love me, but she loves my mom

Tonight we are leaving and we are never coming back the same way

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I've got a feeling,
A feeling of the cold and hazy blue,
I can feel you, I can feel you,
I've been thinking too much of you

Relax,
Relax,
Relax

I'll keep hitting it, I'll keep taking it in, willingly,
Because you asked me to

Your love of the yellow rose,
My cuts and the yellow thorns,
I'm torn and you don't feel it,
It's okay, I would never ask you to

If I could go back, if I could change anything,
I'd change the way you looked at me,
Only heaven knows the way I look at you

I've been dragging the lake for my friends,
I'll never find any because they're all dead

Relapse,
Relax,
Recompose,
Rot,
Decompose

I've been thinking too much of you

People change,
Feelings fade,
Lovers drift,
Friends leave,
Friends become enemies,
Lovers become strangers

It is up to you if you want to buy a ticket and take the ride or watch from the sidelines,
I haven't been home in a week,
My best friend snorts lines even though his pulse is already weak,
Brothers will look at their older sisters for a peak,
Mothers will leave fathers because they tweak

I do not blink

It is midnight now and I will get kicked out of this bar at half passed three because some ******* will try to spike some innocent girl's drink and I do not choose to stand for it

Yes, I bought this ticket,
Yes, I chose to ride with this,
Will you ride with me or will you take nothing seriously,
Seriously, this is getting old and I need a break,
The Earth is ******* and we will leave as soon as this is over,
He is ******* and he will leave as soon as it is over,
The second she looks over her shoulder she will become broken,
The second he looks down on her, he will forget her name

Yes, it is midnight now and the world will cease,
Yes, it is midnight now and I cannot breathe

Too little torment for those who deserve it,
Too much torment for those who never asked for it

You, never asked for it,
He, never asked for it,
She, never asked for it,
We, we never asked for it

However we bought the ticket and we are taking the ride,
None of this will stop for as long as we can handle it,
And when the time comes when none of us can handle this,
We will end it

Here, drink this,
Here, smoke this,
Here is my heart, I want you to break it until I can no longer feel it

This is all a warzone and we will bleed this until we can no longer feel it

In conclusion,
Will you wait,
Or will you buy the ticket

June 1st, 1997
You come out in what feels like a blaze of glory,
There is what seems to be the sun above you,
There is what feels to be the ground beneath you,
Everything is loud and bright, and you're screaming as loud as you possibly can, because there is nothing that will stop you

October 20th, 2001
Your big sister asks you what you want to be for Halloween this year,
You exclaim loud and boldly, "Daddy!"
You see him as a hero,
A man that can do literally anything and everything,
You put your blanket on your back and run around, pretending that you are daddy and not even superman can stop you
You scream as loud as you can because there is nothing that will stop you

November 15th, 2003
You're used to mommy and daddy clapping at each other, but this time is different,
You hear mommy yelling at daddy,
You distinctly hear her scream, "Your children need you more than I do, please do this for them, at the very least!"
You see daddy walk out of the front door with a few bags in his hands,
She kept screaming it as loud as she could, but nothing could stop him

June 1st, 2010
Your father has been vacant from your life for years, and you've gotten passed the idea by now,
Your mother still cries herself to sleep,
The amount of times she told you that she'd never be able to find a man like your father almost outweighs the amount of times you wish you had the chance to see him again,
Maybe to say hello, or maybe to scream at him
No amount of screaming will stop someone, but it especially won't stop your father,
You know this,
He at least could come to see her when she's back in there,
When she's hooked up to all of those machines that are pumping her full of the life she didn't even want at that point because all of the life she once had was taken away when your father left,
I hope he's happy with her

May 22nd, 2012
Your mother is getting bad again and your father is too busy away on a honeymoon with the woman he left your mother for,
The doctors don't really have anything great to say, other than, "We're doing the best we can, we know she'll beat it, we just know it."

January 18th, 2014
Your father hasn't talked to your mother since her first hospital visit,
Your mother is in stage 4 of cancer, and no amount of screaming will make your father come back, and no amount of screaming will stop the cancer from taking what little is left of your mother

June 1st, 2016
This is your first birthday without your mother,
You're hanging pictures of her in your new apartment,
Your father calls you, but no amount of screaming at him will make you feel justified,
This is not his fault, but the least he could've done was be there for his children, you never needed him as much as your mother did, but he still could've at least been there

September 30th, 2016
You wake up in what feels like a blaze of glory,
The sun is above you,
The ground is beneath you,
Your father calls,
He asks if you want to get breakfast,

He spends the next hour and a half screaming to you about how sorry he is, about how it was his fault, that he should've been there when you all needed him,
But no amount of screaming will change this

No amount of screaming has ever stopped anything

I find myself going 95 on the interstate,
I find myself weaving in and out and in and out of traffic,
I find myself feeling almost as untouchable as I felt when I was with you -- almost

Untouchable,
I always loved the way you made me feel untouchable,
You always loved the way he made you feel touchable,
For the first time in a long time there was a man in your life who wouldn't hesitate to be everything you needed,
The sad part is that you thought you needed him,
The man, the one three times your age, who made you feel worth something, the man who gave you feeling,
The one who abused you for years, making you feel touchable all over the place,
Is not a man at all, I promise,
We don't call animals like that men

You were a beautifully broken masterpiece and all I did when trying to pick up your pieces was cut myself,
The taste of my blood was never as bitter as the cheap wine you snuck from your father's fridge,
Thinking maybe if you got drunk enough, you wouldn't hear the voices or feel them coming for your neck,
Thinking maybe, just maybe, the alcohol would fill your bloodstream so full that you would fall asleep and never wake up again, because every morning when you woke up, you saw him,
You woke up with his arms and hands all over you, and he wouldn't let go

For months you crawled over and under my skin, picking at each scrape and scar, trying to find a reason why everything was the way that it was, but you never found it

Much like our love, you never found it,
Like your head, you never found it,
Like them, you never found them,
Like me, you never found me, even though I was looking right at you the entire time

Like them, they'll find me in an explosion of fire, flipping my car down the interstate, weaving in and out and in and out of traffic, taking everyone and everything down with me

The feeling of a rush I used to get just by waiting to pick you up from your house, to the crash I feel when I'm coming down in my room,
The difference between **** and you is that when I breathe the smoke in, it hurts a hell of a lot less than your carbon dioxide ever did

You took everyone and everything down with you,
You taught me to do the same, I learned this all from you

For the first time in a long time, I do not miss you

Ice cold,
Heart's stole,
The feeling's dry on the riverbank

You're gone,
I'm worn,
There's only you to thank

Tired and dragged on,
Sleeping on the thought of you,
My body's cold,
It's missing you

Playing notes on a keyboard,
Singing loud,
Playing loud,
My eyes are sore

Can't eat,
Can't dream,
Having nightmares

Seeing you,
Feeling you,
It was all new to me

You hide,
I breathe,
And I count to three

It's perfectly okay, I'm afraid, too

I could start fires with what I feel for you

It's early and bright out,
The sun swallowed me,
It ate me up and spit me out

Nowadays, all there is is remembering,
No more looking forward,
All there is is looking back,
The air is thin and it beats the air that I am standing on with a bat,
Her air is full of love and goodbyes,
There is no point in saying hellos

What about her?
Does she make you happy?
Her lips folded over yours and the smell of alcohol, a stench, dripping into every single one of your thoughts,
Intoxicating you until you cannot see straight,
Her hands, around your neck until you cannot breathe,
The smoke, filling your lungs until you cannot breathe

I cannot breathe, unless I am breathing her in,
I cannot see straight, unless I am seeing her,
All of this, everything, for her, never for me

It's not worth it,
It's not worth it,
It's not worth it

Beating my heart until it is broken,
Tripping on my shoe laces like they were never tied to begin with,
We were never tied to begin with, I promise

This will be hard, I promise,
You won't be able to stop the shaking, I promise,
I will never leave you, I promise,
Every promise I make, I will break, I promise

I cannot see you anymore, in other worlds, I cannot see straight anymore
I cannot breathe you in anymore, in other words, I cannot breathe anymore

Still, everything I do, I do it for you, even if I won't want to

I promise

Sleepy eyelids,
Fall into slumber,
Fall into the dark,
Fall into my arms,
Fall into my heart

You were so wonderful,
Everything about the way you were,
It was all so wonderful

As perfect as a spiderweb,
You worked so hard to build your spiderweb,
Pacing and repairing the wounds carefully, hoping maybe this time it would stay,
Hoping maybe this time he would stay

They never seemed to,
They were always mean, too,
You held your head high, but they always kept you so low,
Maybe it's better if we do this thing.. solo,
Maybe it's better this way,
Maybe it was better that I didn't stay,
I held you so high,
I swear I never would've let you slip, although it wasn't my time to get a grip,
It was known since the day I loved you,
This would never last and eventually I wouldn't even know you

This is the worst because I can still hear you,
I can still feel you,
Your long brown hair being twirled in my fingertips,
Your mouth, a loaded gun, pointed straight into mine,
When I go back in my mind, when I pull the trigger, all that comes out is flowers,
It's like all of this was made in the dirt of my mind to begin with,
A perfect angel, heaven sent, with a gown of gold and a crown of rose,
Nothing hurts,
Nothing hates you,

I can still see you, I can still look into your eyes,
I can still see that silly little grin you always made when we cracked stupid jokes at one another,
I can still see the tears falling helplessly from your eyes,
I can still feel your fast heartbeat, panicking whilst your body collapsed into mine,
They were always after you,
I hope they never caught up,
I tried my best to keep them occupied, I promise,
I will always love you, I promise
Nothing knows love like you do,
Nothing hates you

You packed your bags and left a letter in the back of my mind,
You never kissed me goodbye,
You left without even telling me,
It's been months, but I'm still too scared to open that letter,
I'm too scared to know why,
I'm too scared to understand,
I'd rather stay drugged up in your absence,
It's better for me this way,
It's better this way,
Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it'll make sense to me,
You never seemed to make sense to me,
Maybe that's why I was so in love with you,
Maybe I'm just rambling now, I'm just running circles around you,
The feeling is familiar; you always ran circles in my head
I could run circles for weeks, I would still feel nothing,
Nothing hates you

I haven't heard from you since back then,
Just know that I'd rather you be alive than dead,
I just hope, to you, I'm not dead

In the hole you left, there is nothing now,
Nothing hates you, but I cannot

Spiraling drastically in a kamikaze daydream,
Beatles crawling up my neck,
The needle crawling across a Beatles record,
They were your favorite,
For the record, I've never felt so hollow

I just need to let it go,
I just need to let it snow,
******* white, ghostly shadow,
Trust me, you'd never want to know,

Nothing without a struggle,
Everything with a broken backbone,
Hearing your voice for the first time in months was more comforting than anything,
You were so powerful, you could do anything

Good evening,
Miss Misery,
I've come knocking on your door again,
You were and always will be the only thing most comforting,

Like a broken record,
I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you,

Cracks and creases hold no scars,
Foggy windows on cold winter nights hold no bars,
But what do I know?
All I am is chasing cars

You never ran me over,
You went right through me

You can't **** what's already dead,
In other words,
We didn't lasted long

I can feel it all soaking into my skin,
My downfall, the ****** of everything,
Every ending shakes hands with every new beginning yet sticks around to see it all spiral downward into the pit of the next "new beginning",
I've ruined a lot now, I don't know why I have the tendency to keep going,
Failure, my fear of success, my fear of failing successfully and never successfully being successful,
Or maybe it's just my nerves

I spend my day-times gluing together pieces of reasons why my soul is worth saving,
I spend my night-times in my bed poking my fingers with every piece of my heart that's breaking,
There is no one here to blame besides myself,
But why must I be so hard,
Why must I torture myself,
It all comes back to me anyways, so why do I ever give any of it away

Calm me down,
Calm me down,
Please just do something, anything to calm me down,
Cigarettes stopped calming the nerves and alcohol never stopped tasting bitter

I can't sleep, I can't eat,
I can't even shower because ******* warmth reminds me of when I felt it all inside of me, gleaming out like a sun who's crying to be the source of something,
I miss the way happiness flooded me,
I miss the way sadness used to be too terrified to even look at me,
I stop at every crack in the sidewalk because when we stepped on them together you joked about breaking my mother's back,
You never mentioned anything about breaking hearts, or how you're so good at it

I sit and watch traffic, wondering where everyone is going,
Wondering what everyone is trying their best to run away from

I wonder what I'm trying to run away from

I wonder if there's even anything to run away from

Every poem's about who I don't want to write about anymore,
The ones who got away,
The ones who chose to leave,
The ones I pushed out,
All of them

These poems are full of the skeletons from past friends and lovers, gone but not forgotten,
Never forgotten actually,
My mind could never get rid of any of them

I'm feeling it all,
All of them all over me,
Suffocating me,
Radiating a toxic hymn from the depths of everything wrong with this world,
Humming a toon that could only be heard through the ears of the broken,
An apocalyptic afterthought of an apocalyptic messiah

If I choose to die, who will live?
If I choose to live, who will die?

How long until I am forgotten,
How long until I am a skeleton,
How long until I am just an afterthought,
An unpopular opinion thrown onto a popular back burner,
Everywhere I go, I have my back turned,
Everywhere we went, she couldn't look me in the eye,
I can't even look myself in the eye

How long until I forget about you?
All of you,
All of you,
How long?

Heartbreak and exhaustion have made a permanent home in my bones and they both are having such a good time ******* with me that neither of them want to leave,
I wish everyone who came into my life felt the same way,
I wish I had the guts, all I have are the bones,
I'm sturdy in my wants but flimsy with my needs,
I want you, yeah, but I don't need you,
It'd just be really nice

No, not the kind of nice to just take up my time and make me forget about all of the bad things,
I'm talking about the kind of nice that could only be accurately described using a situation such as kissing you to my favorite bands, or wrapping my arms around you when you're feeling cold,
You say you're always cold

Honey pie, you're the apple of my eye,
The girl they're always talking about,
The girl who has a ring to her name,
A certain kind of charm that only you could see,
You're the only one I see

I don't want, I need

When I'm upset, I don't cry, I scream

You're worth so much more than this,
Let me wrap flowers around your head and crown you princess of the garden

This isn't me convincing you,
This is me convincing myself,
Getting caught in your typhoon could ******* either further into you, or away from you, but I'm here and I'm settled down to ride out the storm, regardless of the outcome

I'll try not to get my heart broken, but I can't promise anything

I remember the first time I saw the glare of a sunrise on your eyes,
Everything was beautiful, even the cracks of the sidewalk

We stayed up all night digging to lay cement, everything was so perfect,
Little did either of us know that we left space in the cracks for weeds to grow

You shined into me and out from my joints sprouted flowers,
They were lavender and lilac; it was always hard to tell the difference between them because of their color

As time went on, not everything stayed as beautiful as it once was,
My flowers wilted and frowned, and so did I,
Weeds took over and wrapped my body in vines, suffocating me with my own breath,
Not being able to catch a glimpse of what's eating you up inside is like watching a flower get trampled on without being able to do anything about it

A year and a day later and I am lying on the sidewalk by my house with lilacs in my hands, finally realizing the difference between lavender and lilac

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
Empty gas tanks,
Empty cigarette packs,
Empty paint bottles,
Empty minds,
Empty hearts

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burying them in the back of my mind to form some kind of understanding of why things are the way that they are,
Why people don't finish what they started,
Why hearts continuously ache and break at the smaller things,
Why her father never loved her mother enough to stay around to see her grow up,
At least he isn't around to see her laying in the hospital bed,
At least he isn't around to see her struggle with the thought of why her father never loved her enough

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
This absence is dizzying,
Pitch black,
Pitch black,
Swallowed by the memories of agony,
Every moment awake is a moment my God should've never breathed into me,
My god, I never should've let your breath fill my lungs

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burry them all, burry them all,
Give me some sense of dignity,
Don't let me slip on the souls of the broken,
Don't let me become one,

Over a lifetime, I never loved her

Wishing for sleep but realizing there is no other place I would rather be,
An anchor tied to the feet of a man who only knows how to embrace everything when it is thrown at him,
Exhausted, I guess you could say that,
But it is this lack of knowing how to deal with surviving, repeating the words, "I'm trying, I'm trying" over and over until is the last thing he knows how to say to himself without self hatred,

I am alive, yes, I am alive

This ship is a sinking ******* but my god I'll tie the ropes to the cliffs and pull myself ashore,
When it comes to being happy, really, I'm not sure,
I guess I need to stop making it seem like being happy is a chore,

For the last seven months and three weeks, I have been beaten down and choked out of what I have every right to see,
I have every right to be

Happy

I have every right to
Breathe,
****,
Fight,
Light,
This cigarette and smoke away the stress I am incapable of getting rid of myself

I am handicapped

No, not in the sense of being broken,
No, not in the sense of being unable,

Stable: not likely to change or fail,
My attitude will change and my ambitions will change,
But I will not fail,

Being frail is something I am used to,
Being weak is something I am used to,
If I keep telling myself I am not used to being happy, I will never be happy

I want to be happy,
I want to sleep without nightmares,
I want to wake up and want to,

I want to be happy

If I keep telling myself I am sad, I will never be..

*Happy

3.
If I blink hard enough, all of this will go away,
I wish you would just go away,
I have lived in your shadow for way too long, I need to get away,
Why can't I get away, I would do anything to get away,
You do anything to get your way,
You drink from the bottle while staring at me and the only words I have the guts to say to you are, "I love you", regardless of how badly I can feel the sting in my chest

2.
It's working, but I'm still in love with you,
I stopped dreaming in circles because my mind has grown so tired of the thought of you that the only thing that pops into my head when your name is mentioned is, "****, this hurts, a lot",
I still smile on rainy days and I still laugh at my friends jokes, but neither of those things make me smile as hard as the first time I held your hand, or the first time you joked about how your cat had a thing where he'd lay on your head when you were trying to fall asleep,
You're always in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep,
I just wish you weren't

1.
****, this hurts, a lot,
But I'm trying,
I can do this,
Your mother always told you not to stay out passed your bedtime, but no fun ever happens before midnight,
I hope you think of me in your drunken stupor,
When you were drunk, you used to call me and tell me that you thought I was the best thing in the world, that you loved me, that I was everything right for you,

I'm blinking continuously now, but none of it is helping,
****, this hurts, a lot,

If I was everything right for you, why did you only talk to me when everything bad was happening to you

I am the most comfortable when I am surrounded by flowers,
They are beautiful and I am not, so they are doing me a favor,

One day I will be laid to rest with an entire meadow watching over me,
and I will be the most content I could ever be,

I want to be surrounded by a crown of thorns, roses in every joint of my body,
I used to be so beautiful, I used to be so careless,

I am crucified without consent,
I am a twisted messiah stumbling over broken poetry and broken women,
Broken hearts and broken feelings,
I am living it up, do not try to ever convince me otherwise, it is **** near impossible,

I try so hard to convince myself that this is okay, and that everything is okay; that I am beautiful and that this is all happening for reasons I have yet to understand,
But it is ***** near impossible

It's all coming together now, one more time, I swear,
I'll get this,
I promise

I'm sorry for falling,
I never knew I'd be on your bedroom floor for this long,
It shouldn't bother you anyways, it never has before,
You probably don't even know I'm here

I ate your insides and threw up flowers all over the place,
It's too bad there's a garden inside of you that I'll never get to see grow,
I'm sick of you,
I'm sick with you,
I'm sick, and I will keep apologizing until you realize I am here,
I just want to have validation,
I just want your attention,
I'm sorry my pity party is a bust, but I have cake, and that should be enough

Your hair is burning with reckless intentions,
Your eyes are as blue as my sadness,
Your lips are a wall of graffiti that my spray paint could never cover,
I'm going over again, please never forget about me,

I wash up on the shore a few days later to find you wrapped in the arms of another,
I wish I would've fought harder,
I wish I knew when to stop,
I'm so selfish, I'll never stop being angry at myself,
I-- I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so, sorry

Fading, fading, everything is fading,
Pacing, I'm pacing and pacing,
My troubled mind is nothing less in this moment than what it was at my lowest,
It's like I never even left,
I don't think I'll ever have the guts to leave

I'm breaking down because I need to,
***** breath from ***** cigarettes,
Please never forgive me, I can't even bring myself to do it,
I can't even bring myself, I can't even--

Look, I can hear it coming, I can see it,
I just want to be a part,
Lonely hearts, broken stars, cataclysmic lullaby,
Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep,
This is what we've all been waiting for,
This is what I've been waiting for, anyways

Anyways, these days are low,
Bruised eyelids from beating myself to sleep every night,
I can't even sleep at night,
Repetitive repulsion, blood dripping from every crack of my intuition,
Suspended from the balcony, watching it all play out in front of me,
Holding on to every last breath I could possibly breathe,
I do not clap,

*I do not clap

Reassembling the pieces shattered on inconvenience,
Smoking my lucky,
Trying to imagine what the taste of your lips would be like against a shattered nose,
Blacking out and bleeding profusely for my beliefs and opinions,

What a time to thrive,
What a time to thrive,
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

Waking up on the floor with a black eye, holding on to the floor; the only solid thing left in my world,
To the progress made and to the progress I have left to make,
Sipping fine wine and then chugging what's left of the pack of PBR,
Getting wasted on my youth and everything involving it,

A drunken recipient of happiness and sadness all at the same time,
What a ******* mess we have made,
I just hope the cleanup doesn't take as long as the mess did to make,

Even if you don't look back, be sure to know who was there and where they've gone now,
******* white and pitch black,
My worst fears, my worst fears,

I am just learning,
I have given so much hell,
Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening

Everything at once,
Now nothing at all,
A cycle recycled over and over until it is the last thing my mind can get a grasp on, the only thing I can rely on,

Friends, enemies, on, off, stuck

Stuck

Between the wall of abundance and the wall of isolation,
Finding love in the rubble,
Forming friendships from the dirt of the garden, picking flowers to give to hopelessness,
A toast risen to the collapse of the modern poet,
Surrounded by wreckless abandon and driven out by the fear of living,
The fear of not being enough,
The fear of being too much,
The fear of a little bit of everything,

Taken by the hand and shown true beauty, wiping tears away from the face that's too far exhausted to even make out in broad daylight,
A disaster,
A broken messiah picking gospels out of the hairs of broken hearts trying to mend,

I,
The soldier,
The commander,
We, they, us,
A figment of a wild imagination trying to thread the string of suicide together with the string of optimism, getting stuck on the pessimism catching the needle at every vice,

I will suffice,
I,
The soldier,
The commander,
Fighting a war with no winner,
Stopping to rest my head on the headstones of the forgotten,
Please do not forget about me when I am gone,
Paint my flowers golden and light a cigarette while doing so,
Lay them together on my grave, and, instead of a moment of silence, raise your lighter to my name and read to yourself quietly,

I,
The romantic,
The saddened,
The disaster,
The punk playing music so loud it vibrates your thoughts,
I, the remembered,
I will go out in flames just like how I showed up in flames,

You, try your best for me
I am not much, but trust me, I am worth it

A gut wrenching unforgiving livid catastrophe is making a home in my bones and will eventually burrow itself out of my skin to make my mouth a puppet to my worst fears and insecurities,
I am bleeding, crumbling, don't you dare utter a single ******* word to me, I don't want to hear any of it,
Nothing on this earth could rot my bones faster than the feeling of failure when I try my hardest to be successful,
A pathetic poet putting on the facade of feeling mediocre at best, I am at my lowest, I just don't want to show it,
My breaths are being stolen one by one by the devil and he knows it,
The steam rising from the streets of my anxiety are making my vision foggy and all I want right now is to lay in the embrace of bad intentions in hopes that it'll let me rest my weary eyes and make me feel right in the mean time, because nothing good ever feels right,

No matter how tall I build myself, you could easily come crash all of my walls down without even trying that hard
Maybe that's a good thing,
Maybe my walls are hurtful,
Maybe that's a bad thing,
Maybe I'm just too exhausted to deal with any of it, so I don't,

I'm so sorry
I am so sorry

I don't want to breakdown, but now seems like a good a time as any,
I feel like I am sinking and sinking, and the lower I get, the easier it is to just let it happen,
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just let it happen,

I am constantly torn between trying to create a home and trying to escape one,
Oh lovely helplessness, I've come looking for help again,
Wrap your arms around me and tell me I'm okay again,
Isn't this everything I need,
Isn't this everything right for me,
I can barely breathe, but isn't this good for me,
Better to lose my breath than to get choked out of it,
You always made me lose my breath, I wish you would've just choked me out of it,

How unfortunate, picking flowers to fill my head with anything other than ugly thoughts, I wish it worked,
I wish all of this just worked,
I've lost motivation, I need to help myself, I just don't want to work,

I couldn't be better for you,
I couldn't help you,
I didn't know how,
I was trying so hard, but you just left

*I'm sorry

I don't wanna ******* hear about it,
Stop trying to get your **** wet,
She doesn't want you, I figured you'd realize that when she told you to stop; that she was uncomfortable,
What made you think she was just being stubborn,
What made you think the only thing in the world she wanted was to have *** with you,
Why are you like this

Women are not just toys,
Women do not want your **** as much as you think they do,
Women especially do not want your **** when all you can say when you're around them is jokes implying that you want to **** them,
Why the **** do you think you're entitled to their bodies,
They are angels and you are the devil,
Please, for the love of God, give it up

It makes me sick to think that you're sick enough to think you have a right as a man to act this way,
That because you have a ******* for a woman, that it's completely okay to force yourself,
That it's completely okay to act filthy,
That it's completely okay to joke about,
That it's completely okay to be the biggest ******* on this planet

Our sisters are being taken by our brothers and we are not doing anything to stop it,
Our diamonds are being stolen by thieves, and all we are doing is slapping their wrists,
Why can't we stand up and stop this


Why does a woman have to feel afraid to stand up for herself,
Why does a woman have to fight what seems like an endless battle for a right to her own ******* body,
Why do we stick up for rapists,
Why do we call women *****,
Why do we congratulate men for using women,
Why do we stand for this

We are doing this to ourselves,
We will learn eventually,
Or maybe not,
We reap what we sow

Invest,
Reinvent,
Pull back,
Pull back,
Pull back,

Unzip the baggy of needles and inject yourself with sunshine,
Steal the knives out of the backs of your enemies and put them in your collection of memories you aren't too fond of but need to have so you stay grounded,
Stay grounded,
Laying on the floor dripping in blood, fighting your own head to understand why you feel like this

I love you so much that it hurts my head,
I let the bad parts in, I forget the good parts exist,
It's hard to exist when you're in a fistfight with your bedroom walls, like you're fighting something that will never fight back,
I'm fighting for you and you will never fight back, but I cannot stop,
I must fight and fight and fight until my knuckles are numb, I will drown for you,
I will climb every tree to reach for you,
I will dig deep into the graves of your worst fears to fight off the demons that haunt you,
I just wish you did the same for me

All of this is a grieving process,
In the sense that I am dying for everything and everything is looking at me and never talking to me,
Never giving me the attention,
Never giving me the satisfaction I so desperately need,
I cannot function,

I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING
I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING
I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING

I am INSEPARABLE
WHY AM I LIKE THIS
Why do I worry,
Why do I care,
WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK

It hurts to have to be honest with the ones that you love,
It hurts to give and not receive,
It hurts to look at you,
It hurts to feel like this,

Everything is hurting all of the time and everything is looking at me and everything is laughing and everything is spitting at my face

I just want to believe
I just want to see you fight
I just want you to want me, *******, is that so hard to ask

Snap necked seraphim
Poltergeist afterlife
The difference between seeing and believing
The difference between knowing and understanding
The difference between wanting to know and wanting to understand
The beatniks and their denim
Our fears and how we treat them
Heartbreak and soaking it all in
Love and blowing it all out
******* it all in and pretending it doesn't hurt
Letting it all out and letting everyone know it ******* hurts

A lot

Spraying perfume on plastic flowers to make sure no one knows they are fake
Spraying perfume on yourself to make sure know one knows you are fake
Beauty supreme, yeah they were right about you
Kissing the lips of destruction to get a taste of what living feels like
A bystander to your own existence, choking and gasping on what little tangible feeling you have left
From the way that you acted to the way that I felt it, from the way that I acted to the way that you didn't feel any of it
You lucky *******
I'm miserable and you haven't noticed, nothing new there
I wish I couldn't miss you, I wish I didn't see you at all

If I die, I will die a martyr
If I die, I want these words to soak into your veins instead of the alcohol and nicotine
I want to be the only thing you feel
I was always selfish, I might as well embrace it

"*******!" screamed the drunken poet stumbling into the door with a half smoked cigarette in one hand and a coffee stained journal in the other

I asked why I wasn't worth the effort and you asked me if it was a rhetorical question,
Rain will fall and fill in the gaps we leave for space to make a home,
The clouds will crowd above our heads to choose between regret and anger; which will make our day more miserable,
We will collapse under the pressure of trying harder than anyone ever has for the things we hold near and dear to us,

A society dying of emotional asphyxiation,
Warmongers threatening the very last thing keeping them from falling off the edge,
Innocence showcased through picking flowers and sharing smiles,
We are broken and we are picking up the pieces one cut at a time,

Gutting the stomachs of lovers and creating sculptures in memory of the undeserving,
Setting fire to everything we're used to in order to create room for the risks we finally aren't afraid to take because of the exhaustion pulling us as far down as we can possibly go,

We sure are a mess, but at least we're giving it our best
Distressed and lost, only hoping to find ourselves in one another,
I want to get as lost as possible, that way I will feel confusion once again; at this point I am used to knowing everything before it even happens,
Or maybe that's just my anxiety making me create situations that haven't even happened yet,
Or maybe I really am a mess,
Or maybe I just need to be told it's okay,
Or maybe I need to embrace the fact that I'm a madman with a twisted messiah complex

All I know is that at the end of the day, I spill my coffee just as much as you do,
I smoke as many cigarettes as I need to,
I find happiness in everything before my sadness does,
I sure am a mess, but at least I am giving it my best,
I am alive, so I might as well live