My uncle used to tell me that the sky was blue because we lived inside the eye of a giant, the sky would never cloud over, Nothing would ever feel better because it was already the best it could feel,
Nothing was ever going to hurt us and we could live our entire lives safely

When I was 14 years old my uncle took his own life by hanging, but my family always told me he passed away in a car crash,
Now I don't remember the last time I wore a seatbelt because ever since then I've had a really hard time believing in safety

I'm so scared of never being able to not feel like this,
To not feel like I am being taken advantage of,
My mind will forever consider these situations no matter what situation I am in,
I could stay up night after night trying to convince myself otherwise,
not that it would make any kind of difference,
So whenever I find something new and refreshing, all I know how do is sit in silence,
Hope to quiet this strange hurricane happening inside of me,
It kind of feels like one of these days the winds are gonna rip me to shreds, but I won't have the help, because I'll tell myself that I don't need it, anyways

I am terrified of calling myself a writer,
I am terrified of realizing that the only escape I have from this is a pen and a piece of paper,
Anxiety keeps telling me that one day all of the ink is going to spill out and the only option I'll have left is to take myself out,
They'll have to see me laying in a puddle of my own ink, my veins soaking in what once was my emotions and feelings, dripping through the floorboards and into the ground,
After that they'll see my entire body sink,
They'll see every comma and exclamation point flow out of my fingers and feet like it's some kind of tar filled river,
They'll see my lips start to quiver and the only thing left to come out,
The only thing they'll ever hear me say ever again,
Will be a sliver,
"I don't know why I am apologizing, but I'm so sorry that it never got better"

I wake up every morning and I am terrified,
I'm terrified of the nightmares I had the night prior,
When my best friend told me that I'd burn in a lake of fire because of my depression, that I wasn't normal, and that I had a disease,
That I was so sad all of the time because I didn't believe in a God,
That I was so hopeless because I wasn't leaning on some overplayed fake version of reassurance,
That I chose to pray to these demons to set me free,
The same demons that cast these shadows over me,
I remember yelling through tears at him, "I don't need to believe in a God to believe in myself",
I'm trying my best, but at this point, good things always seem so foreign to me,
It just seems so foreign to breathe

So until I reach that breaking point, where the moon and the sun are both only arbiters of light that I can use to guide myself through this darkness, through what feels like never ending night,
I'll be terrified of everyone and everything

I'll either get to happiness, or I'll die trying

Atomic boys and girls play with their atomic toys and curls,
At 18 years old she was atom bombs,
Gloomy and angry, 16 years old, she used to draw mushroom clouds on her bedroom walls

She always thought to herself,
How strange it is to be anything at all,
21 years old, she realized how badly it hurts to become

She was in love with the sadness, and she wore it on her sleeve in place of her heart, already too broken to keep together all in one place,
She was always so afraid of the dark, so it never went well, always causing the power to go out, it would take days, sometimes weeks for the lights to come back on,
But even after, it seemed as if no one wanted to come close in fear of the radiation

We did drugs, we rolled our windows down, we drove too fast, we tuned the radio until we heard God start playing air raid sirens, and we sang until our bodies became bombs

Always until the light came on, he promised her,
Whether it be the sunrise,
The moonlight,
Headlights,
Night lights,
Lamp shades

It didn't matter, he would never leave her alone in the dark,
He would bring an umbrella every night, knowing she would rain on him, it didn't matter, he loved her, enough to wear a raincoat year around, he even built a raft for when it rained hard, when even she thought she would drown, for when things became too much

She loved the the way his mouth seemed like comfort to her,
The way his arms were always around her, and the way his phone calls seemed like get well cards,
She told herself that she wouldn't let it get like this, but she did,
He told her that he wasn't going to leave her, but he did,
I guess everyone's a little bit of a liar in the end, right?

We danced until our bodies spilt our souls and then we fell into the December cold, right into the snow,
Until there was nothing left,
Until everything seemed to be just a bright flash

Let's all go play Nagasaki, we can all get vaporized, hold my hand, let's turn to ash I'll see you on the other side

I swear it's better, over there, where we can finally see the birds flying all around the air, where the heartbreak actually sets you free, where it doesn't hurt to breathe

Let's all go and meet our maker, they won't care who's side you're own,
I was so afraid, I prayed and prayed,
Before I learned to love the bomb

Let's all go play Nagasaki, what a lovely way to die,
I was so afraid, I prayed and prayed

Until I fell in love with the bomb

Dear Family Man,
I used to want to follow in your footsteps until I realized doing so would mean that I'd have to believe that the list of human rights in our country should be as short as the cooker cutter length of the grass on our front lawn

Family Man,
Why are you so scared of diversity

Family Man, why do you believe in religious freedom until any other religion besides Christianity is mentioned

Family Man, why do you believe that Jesus was white and that he preferred guns and judgement instead of love and acceptance

Family Man, why do you not understand the difference

Family Man,
You'd rather see a perfectly polished white picket fence than see the future of this country pickup signs and picket to try and finish the job you never started, create a future for generations, because they realize the **** that's happening doesn't make any sense

Family Man,
**** those illegal immigrants who are hopping our border to work the jobs that YOU'RE too lazy to WORK

Family Man,
**** those refugees that want to run away from the war that WE created, right?

Family Man,
We love equally but above all else we love money, and we'll do anything we can to get it,
We don't give a **** about anyone else,
Your family is needy, but I guess you're just a little too greedy,
You keep feeding them but they're always hungry because the only food you believe is important is oil,
How could your children be hungry for anything else?

Family Man,
Oppression is for people who won't grow up and face the world for themselves, it's their fault,
I don't know why your children even care though, right, just keep on lying, telling them that nothing Donald Trump is doing right now is going to affect their lives personally

Family Man,
Capitalism has you ******* your own ****, but you've grown to love it,
You'll give power to anyone that promises to bring this country back to when it was great, when we had slaves, when we neglected everyone who wasn't like us

Now you've got what you wanted, but there's a hell of a lot more problems, but don't you worry,
Family Man, it's the new normal

It's a great day at the White House

Right now, I feel lifeless,
I feel empty,
I feel beyond,
I feel like everything and nothing are both happening at all times of the day, every day, all the time,
I am just trying my best to keep my head above the water,
"Just go with it", "It's okay", "It's nothing"
I cannot go with it, it is not okay, and you're right,
It's nothing,
I keep telling myself it's nothing until "It's nothing" is the only thought that runs through my head,
I can't leave my bed,
I haven't showered since Mother's Day,
Mother, I'm sorry,
I haven't eaten a full meal in God knows how long,
God, if you're out there, I do not curse you, but what have I done to deserve this,
What have any of us done to deserve this,
The feeling of rather wanting to be dead than alive in and of itself is a tragedy,
I haven't felt human in a long time and tragically, I wouldn't care much if I just stopped breathing

Keep me close, keep me close, keep my head above water,
I need to hear your voice,
I can't do this on my own

Just keep breathing,
Just keep breathing,
Just keep breathing

It's your turn, let me light another cigarette before you give me a third flush, I'll need another shot of whiskey if I'm gonna let you keep cheating me,
He said, "Alright boy, enough is enough. When are you gonna let me take you?" I told him "Soon."

I've done drugs in the past, burn so good, gone too fast,
Happiness never lasts,
Just a splash,
Up and down and up and down I'm getting whiplash,
Dug deep into the ground,
Pulled up flowers with a frown,
Beauty is a disaster, this world is on fire, I'll always let myself down,
Drunken stupor through the city,
Bleeding wreckless, broken teeth, my lungs are brown,
I will let myself drown

I AM CASANOVA TO THESE ANGELS,
I AM WRECKLESS IN MY INTENTIONS,
THE GOOD DIE YOUNG AND THE BAD WILL LIVE FOREVER,
TO THE END OF MY ROPE, I WILL SUFFER

To the ends of the earth, I will take her,
And I will ruin everything good in her, yet I do not want to,
I have not chosen to be like this,
The shadows wreak of liquor and depression,
And they will follow me home every single night,
And they will fall into bed with me,
And they will tell me everything I need to hear

Whisper sweet nothings into my ears,
TELL ME WHAT YOUR WORST FEARS ARE, I BET THEY LOOK A LOT LIKE MINE,
TELL ME WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP SOME NIGHTS

I am lucid,
Lasting,
Plastic and carefree,
Nothing but smoke and mirrors to the ones who are after me,
I gave my hand to the him,
He said "Walk with me. I'll show you everything."

I shouldn't, but I love it when bad things happen to me,
I take it all, write some of it down, the rest is poetry,
Emotionally inept kingpin, you can find me laying drunk on some curb on some midnight lit avenue, pale skin, tongue blue, I've had too much fun, I don't remember how to breathe

Come to me for whatever you need, depression, anxiety, heartbreak, whatever the case may be,
I have empty suitcases for your baggage, I even have a couple empty coat hangers in my closet, next to the skeletons,
You could even plant a couple flowers in my garden, if you wanted

I'll set myself on fire just to see your eyes light up,
I wanna be your burden,
You can love me as much as you do on the comedown, on the come up, or not, that's up to you
I'll give you the drugs as long as you give me the love, I never knew our relationship could be so easily summed up

I have what you need and I've been waiting so anxiously for you to come along and ruin me,
Fit to be,
Meant to be,
*******, hanging from my neck like a rope,
Hanging from your necklace, a rose,
Tie it tight, suffocate me, use it like a noose,
At this point, I'm used,
Sadistic, full of it, a mess to be made and cleaned up,
A bone to be broke,
A memory to be forgotten and a grave to be dug up

Lonely lovely, I've been feeling so blue, I just want a taste of you,
I just want a taste of you

I just wanna hold you close, **** you dry, clean your blood, wash your wounds, I'm selfish, I just want too much of you

I want so badly the good but nothing good ever lasts and I want forever, so I'll be fine bad to the bone and lonely,
****** that you want me and me only, Worth a lot, but not worth any money,
I spend it all on flowers that'll die eventually,
Kisses sweet like honey,
A snake bite in snake skin, I'll feel it but only slowly, not enough to stop me

I'm eager but I'm weak,
I wanna smile but I have broken teeth,
I see everything, but only in my dreams,
I feel it all too much, to the point where sometimes it feels like I can hardly even think, like I can hardly even catch my breath, like it hurts to breathe,
Something to bring me to my knees,
I deserve this,
I wanna know what it's like to feel humiliated, to feel vulnerable in front of someone else,
I wanna drink cheap beers in the street and shower in sinks

I keep putting myself into situations I can't handle,
I can't talk to you without hurting you so I don't talk to you at all because hurting you is just something I can't handle

I don't want to be the one to cause damage because I've been damaged enough, I'm so tired, ******* exhausted, of hurting everyone else without even trying

I just want to be good for you and I can't be that right now, and I'm sorry

I remember when you asked me if I had ever wanted to be someone else and all I could think about was wanting to be the person you thought about when you fall asleep,
I'm *****, a greedy, selfish, fool,
To think that I was everything you ever wanted out of anybody, I kissed you softly, and I could tell no one ever treated you, that nicely

You flinched at the sight of my hands and you never finished your dinners,
You're gone now and I'd like to think I'm still bitter, just to prove to everyone around me that you didn't mean a single thing, but honestly, as much as I want to call you a nobody, a nothing, you taught me absolutely everything

You always slept with a night light on because you were afraid of the dark and what it had to offer,
I was never scared of anything, maybe that was my problem,
We never worked things out and I was just angry that when it came to yours, I could never solve them,
I was under the impression that in time it would get easier but all it got was harder

Your father was an honest man, and maybe that's why he left your mother,
Maybe you can't sleep at night because the ones who are after you, just want another, like you do,
I see you're badly broken, me too,
Let me be your caretaker, I can fix you, I've done a lot to the world and I owe everyone in her a favor or two

I guess I'm just over compensating for something you made me feel like I was always missing,
And now it's all in my head,
I can't think of anything else besides you when it's raining,
I remember you grabbed me and pulled me into it, but you made me think we were just playing,
We let it go further than either of us wanted but I guess that's just what we get for thinking it would stop the hurting,
Over everything else I just wish you would've listened to a single word I was saying

We used to load our bodies up like guns and unload our clips into each other, using our bodies for target practice every night, but we never seemed to hit each other's mark,
The sparks fly and the room catches fire, but we stay where we are

I tried to dip the world in gold but it was still so ugly and valueless to me, I should've never let you make me think you were the only thing my eyes could see,
Maybe I should just walk around naked, finally feel vulnerable in front of someone else besides just you and me

I didn't mean to ruin this,
I never really mean to ruin anything,
But I guess everyone has their hobbies

The moon is on fire,
The earth is on fire,
Her hair is on fire,
Her body, is on fire,
I wanna put it all out, but I can't touch her,
I can't kiss her anymore, I can't feel her anymore, I can't look at her anymore, because it hurts,
It all hurts,
We gave and we took and we loved and we broke

A quick bump up the nose, straight to hell and never looking back,
I wonder what it was that made her never look back,
Was it the ring slipped off her finger or was it the abuse that still lingered,
I leaned in quick to kiss her and I swear not a single force on earth could stop the trembling in her fingers

Eyes like a hawk,
Eyes blood shot,
Eyes with tears in the dark,
Eyes with locks,
Eyes that'll tear you apart,
She's seen some ****,
I just wanna know who it was that played the part,
Who shot the arrow, who turned the lights off,
Who didn't give a **** when a single **** was all she could've ever needed,
Who cut the circulation, who choked her enough to never let another breathe near her,
Who stole her

I've lived so uncomfortably, darling comfort me,
Comfort me,
Look at it in its face,
Stare at its eyes,
Smell it,
Taste it,
Love it,
Hate it,
Become everything it's afraid of,
Become everything it loves,
Be weary of it,
Embrace it,
Think about it,
Think less of it,
Trust it,
Never trust it,
Never **** it,
Never,
**** it

I'm exhausted,
My head is cloudier than the thunderstorms you made,
My teeth are yellow from pack after pack of cigarettes,
I'm exhausted,
My liver hates me more than my grandfather hated running out of alcohol,
I can't tell anyone that I love them,
Heaven forbid I trust anyone,
I can't stop apologizing,
I'm exhausted,
I can't keep my bandages on,
I can't clean my blood up,
I'm exhausted,
I'm never satisfied, I don't know how to be, and I so badly want to be tough


Come back to bed, you're thinking too much