If you can't find anything to live for then it's best you find something to die for,
When your best friend dies and your next friend dies and your best friend's friend takes his own life, what the **** do you have left? Who the **** are you supposed to turn to?

I feel alone no matter what all the time and I know I have some of the best friends in the world, but my mind has a certain way of telling me otherwise,
It backs me into a corner and looks me dead in the eyes,
It says I have no one, that I'm a nothing, surrounded by nobodies, ****** ****** Sabbath day, rip my head off and tell me everything will be okay, the blood will clean me, like it cleans everyone,
I am pouring myself out constantly and in return I am getting no one

I am alive because I am alive because I am afraid of it all,
I am not not afraid of dying, I am afraid of what comes after,
I met god and all she wanted to do was **** me to my favorite songs,
A puppet like me has to have strings attached, but I guess even when it comes to god I can't get a call back

5 cigarettes left, 4 bottles of jack, 3 secrets kept,
2 eyes,
1 mouth,
0 hearts,
Not mine, not anyone else's,
No room for myself, no room for anyone else

Bones made out of water wishing for nothing more than to be made of iron,
Daydream dying,
At the drop of a dime,
I feel like killing myself all the time,
I'll never understand or I won't understand until I'm older or somewhere in between

The idea was to drink until the pain had passed over, but all I got in the end was a bad headache and a hangover,
I push everyone away from me, especially the ones who seem to care the most, the ones who don't have a problem letting me breathe, see,
I give myself to the dangerous ones because they put me on the edge and the edge is the only place I'm used to anymore, the only place I feel free, and it's so ****** up,
To think that I'll never allow myself the experience of beauty, I'm too busy, letting the demons have their way me, yet still praying for the angels to save me,
I'm a fine tuned hypocrite,
Don't give a ****,
I'll cry about it even though I know I'm the one who did it

I can't help but run from consistency when it finds a home in me but it doesn't make any sense because change scares the absolutely **** out of me,
When I get this way, everything is so ******* scary,
Even I'm getting sick of saying I'm sorry, trust me

The visions clearer,
Unstoppable with nothing to lose like Julies Caesar,
She has all of her clothes off and all I know how to do is feel her, I've never learned anything else

I'm so ******* sick of writing poems about getting my heart broken,
I'm so ******* sick of writing poems about love at all,
But what the **** am I supposed to write about, if being broken is the only real thing I can feel,
It's such a viscous cycle, I'm such a viscous ******,
I keep dying for everyone but I'm no messiah, I have my own sins and I can't even save myself,
But you could beat me into a ****** pulp and I'd still worship you like the sun

I don't know what to live or die for, I just know that I'm dying

I can't be the only one

I'm still so ******* bitter about it and I can't relax, not even a little,
I wonder if this is what a toy feels like when its batteries run dry,
Getting pushed into fight or flight without any warning, without even having any wings to fly,
So anxious I'm throwing up the flowers you grew from your chest,
I picked every one of them with my mouth but maybe I should've just left them alone because everything will die in the end and now I know who's fault it is

I got hurt and I'm just trying to fix myself, please stay away from me, I'm no good and you're no better, I don't have a single grudge to take,
I'm going ******* manic, I'm setting my body on fire and eating the ashes,
I'm pulling my stomach apart and digging my own grave,
I'm hungry for blood and I'm vicious,
I'm sick and getting worse, even though my friends and family pray for the better, I don't wanna say too much, it's better that way

We have nothing better to do than break our hearts on each other,
We're lonely and hurt and this is all we need,
Mr. Hangman, go get your rope,
Protect your lovers, we are nothing but slippery slopes,
We can hug and lust and kiss and **** but once we love, it's all downhill from there,
I can feel this disease flowing through our hair and it feels like there's something in our mouths, like we're breathing it in through the air,
I can feel myself breathing you in and I'll keep doing it until my lungs collapse, nothing's fair

They say in heaven there's no husbands or wives,
And the day I show up to the gates I wonder how many of them will be surprised,
Just know I won't have a phone to call you but I'll do everything an angel possibly can to stop the hurting in your minds,
None of us deserve to die but then again not all of us really feel alive

So if I die before I wake, I pray my poetry says the things I can no longer say

Come to me when you're ready, I've been waiting so anxiously,
In this moment I'm nothing, but in this moment you feel like everything,
I stayed up until the sun pushed away the moon, I've been waiting so patiently,
I'm so ******* sick and I can't take a breath without coughing, but I can't blame it on you, you just take so much of my breath away, effortlessly,
I do this **** to myself purposely but I don't have a purpose, not for you, and definitely not for me,
I do all of this subconsciously, I'm a wreck, a ******* waste, but I'm trying my best, please come back to me,
I'll get better, for the both of us, I promise, I'll stop everything

I don't know what makes me more bitter, the fact that I'll never be able to get over it or the fact that I'll never get any ******* closure,
Or maybe I'm just bitter because of the way you lead me on, like you were something so ******* special, something not to be stepped on,
But I guess my body is a doormat, only a stepping stone for you in hopes you'll be able to find a home,
You'll never find yourself in anyone else so stop ******* trying, and for god's sake, just tell me you're going to hurt me next time so at least I'll be warned

I guess heartbreakers like you don't need a trigger warning,
I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, I know I'll do it to myself to find some kind of solace but I know you won't say goodbye in the morning and everything about it will be so ******* hurtful,
But I'll do it anyways, and knowingly, I'll grab a hold of you and pull your heartstrings just to hear the music and makeup some kind of false love to make all of this feel like it's purposeful,
But I know there's no purpose to this at all,
I'll break my own heart over this just to keep learning how to build stronger walls,
And I hate myself for that,
I hate that I feel so ******* small,
I hate this and I hate myself but I can't find anything in me that hates you and that's what hurts most of all,
You'll never be there for me but you keep coming back because you know I can't just watch you fall

*******, I don't need you, I just need cigarettes and alcohol and poetry and loud music and good friends and genuine lovers who'll take care of me until the end,
And I can't wait until I can fall asleep again,
It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep and that's your fault,
So I'm writing this ****** poem for you while my mind feels gray and dull hoping that everything in my body just turns numb

I'm sorry I wasn't enough, but I'm not sorry about this poem,
I just hope these other people can love you like you want them to,
Just know that I won't be here when you come back, but I'd love to see it when it happens, I bet you're even more beautiful when you crawl

I guess this is what you get for breaking a poet's heart

When your momma tells you she loves you, say it back

Stay distanced from your family as much as you feel you need to, but don't cut yourself out completely

Your grades are not as important as they're all making them out to be, don't be afraid to care for yourself as much as you need to

Listen to your music loud and be forgiving, but not forgetful

Believe in yourself even though you can't believe in a god

Stop forcing yourself to go to your parent's church just to make your parents happy, being around a group of people so toxic is a lot to handle and you deserve better

When you start going to parties,
Don't let go of them so easily,  no matter how many drugs they are on, they will be some of the best people you will ever meet, do not take them for granted

When you walk by flowers, smell them, you have no idea how much they will mean to you one day

Eat your favorite meal as often as you want to,
Eat chocolate at any time of the day,
Just ******* eat something, anything

When she tells you she loves you, do not listen to her,
Do not listen to her friends,
Do not listen to a word she says,
Listen to yourself, you will be stronger than this one day

And

When this new girl talks about Brand New for the first time, just start crying, you'll need a good head start,
And when she takes you to see them live, hold her tight, even though you don't know this will be one of the last times you'll be able to look her in the eyes,
And when she chooses to go, don't run after her, as much as you want to, it's better this way, for the both of you

Recognize when you're getting bad again, it's dangerous when you don't, and you'll find that out soon

You will find people to kiss the scars, I promise you,
In the mean time just don't stop loving,
I know it's hard to love anything and I know it's hard to not hate it all and I know it's hard to stop your fast heart beat and I know anxiety is becoming a storm but listen to me carefully

Romanticize yourself,
You haven't felt loved in a long time and I can tell,
That there's more to this than those sleepless nights,
That there's more to this than the look of fear in your family's eyes

And when the time comes,
Do not try to **** yourself, even though I know at this point you've thought about it so many times

You are perfect,
There is more to this,
You are perfect,
There is more to this

And you are the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life, and you've seen a lot, but don't let any of that **** you

You're more than that,
And when you read this, take it to heart,
It'll help you out a lot

I can't help these tendencies to push people away from me,
I can't sleep, I'm too busy awake dreaming,
We all go to sleep in the same place, I just wish I didn't wake up feeling the same way,
Last night they said the fire had spread but I didn't even move my feet, I knew I couldn't change a thing, I let the fire consume me and from the ashes I was reborn, an angel drunk off Jesus' wine, I tried to look at the clock but the arms were broken, I guess we're all broken, even time

No care in the world,
A numb ******* hypocrite,
Dumb, ******* ridiculous,
I'm sick of it,
I want your body so badly, I'll do anything, I'll even rip my own wings off, I never deserved them anyway,
You never deserved me anyway, and I'll say it,
When it came to our love we were spastic, We were made out of glass but we acted like we were plastic,
We knew it was fake, but we acted like we would've lasted,
It just ended with you laughing in my face, I thought I saw right through you, like nothing was going to go wrong, but I guess you broke my glasses,
I can never seem to see straight

I wanna be pure, I wanna go back in time before I was hurt,
I want what I deserve,
And I don't deserve this,
Or maybe I do, and I'm just having a hard time getting up the nerve to notice

My body is a disaster, I haven't cleaned it in months,
I've been waiting for you to visit so I decorated my walls,
But my insides are a wasteland, especially my lungs,
I just couldn't kick your habits after you kicked me in the heart,
But I can't say that I'm sorry, because I'm not

It's not like it used to be,
I got so used to you, but it felt like you were never used to me,
It felt like you were using me,
And I was so used to being used that I got used to feeling like no one was ever going to use me but you showed up and I gave you a crown made out of roses, you sat on everything I owned,
You will look for me in everyone new that you meet but you will never find me because I treated you like a queen,
And you got used to it, just like I get used to everything,
And now that you're gone, I'm getting used to being alone

At this point it doesn't even hurt anymore, I'm used to being alone

Aren't they always so perfect?
In heartbreak I'm a broken juggernaut, she loves me, she loves me not,
She took my veins and tied them into knots,
My bloodstream is full of sadness,
And my bones are full of happiness,
See I'm so busy breaking my own bones and she's so busy filling my blood with sadness,
That when the blood finally bleeds through, it's colorless, I guess that's what I get for becoming so emotionless,
But they made me this way, it doesn't feel like that because I can't remember the last time someone stayed and when it comes down to it, it feels like there's nobody but myself to blame

You know ****'s really rough when even your therapist says he's never seen you so disheveled,
And now more than ever I wish I were deep in the ground somewhere with fresh dirt on top of me being looked down on by someone with a shovel,
Never again, never again will I let myself breathe, I feel it all weighing down so ******* top of me,
She weighed down so ******* top of me, the only relief either of us got, was when she was laying down on top of me,
But there's more to love than just lust and sometimes a simple **** just isn't enough, but that won't stop either of us from using either of us,
Neither of us have been happy in a long time and neither of us have felt loved in a long time,
But it isn't too late to start trying,
I keep telling myself that, but I know I can't try hard enough for the both of us

I can't stop breaking my own ******* heart over people who just don't give a **** and I'm so ******* sick of it but I write poetry for a living so I guess I'll have to live with it

You're so hot when you're cold,
I love it when you use me, I love it, being worthless, but don't worry, I'll act like there was some kind of value about me,
Just like there was something special about you, every single one of you,
You're all gone now but I can't stop thinking about you so I guess you'll live on forever, if not in my heart, then in my poetry,
I'm a ******* trainwreck right now and I'm surprised I still have empathy,
Please be nice to me, please show me sympathy,
I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel nothing but love for my enemies and I don't want to, I want them to hate me,
I want them to leave and never come back, I just want the thoughts in my head to get the **** away from me

I'm sorry

I can't figure out why I keep caring for things that don't care for me and I'm finally starting to realize that that's so unhealthy,
If I'm missing you I'm missing a part of me and I hate that, I can't keep saying sorry, but I never did I anything worth an apology, I just can't come to terms with any of it and it makes me feel better if I take myself away from it by being a recording played over and over and over

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

It's not my fault, it never was, but I make it that way

******* sniffing, love eluded, ill informed with ill intentions,
You never bothered to say bye but that doesn't matter if nothing mattered after I said hi, *******, you heartbreaking ***** of a lover, before this even started it was over, now I'm wishing for death, looking like death warmed over, but all of that's besides the point, if you called, I'd still come over,
And I hate myself for that

I'll never get it back,
Kissed my life goodbye when I skipped Bible study with you to get high, haven't prayed in a minute, I'm not the closest with the Big Guy, and I know that,
Wish I spent my time worrying more about the future than I do about the throwbacks, nostalgia vulture, upset at you for caring less about the world and caring more about the culture

It's getting weirder for me to be here, look at her smile, wish I could fix her

We were walking down the sidewalk and you hated your mother so much that you went out of your way to step on every crack,
You were bad for me, but I knew that, I kept singing your song, even if my voice cracked, because I loved you, but don't worry too much, I'd ******* **** myself before I wanted you back,
And I know it doesn't seem that way when you're all I can write about,
But I'm only writing it down because it's all I can think about, and I think you like that

I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth

I kept the fear in my mouth and I wanted to use the gun to shoot it out but I ended up just swallowing it and using it as the inspiration to write this, I hope you don't mind

Been awake since you left because I can't sleep without sleeping on your side of the bed, and I don't want to,
I spend my days writing letters with no return address because I don't want you to write back, not that you even would, but besides that, I've been wreckless without you,
I ******* hated alcohol before you, but I spend my nights drunk as fire thinking about what I'd do to get the time back,
I miss you, wait **** that, sorry, that's just the wine talk,
No I'm not sorry, ******* and everything that you came with,
******* and all the demons you came with,
You molded me into everything you wish I would've came with,
Sculpted my cracks into smooth creases, you made me brain dead,
But besides that

I might just have to turn cold and heartless, it's not like you've given me any other option

That's all for now, I'm sure there'll be a next time, until then,
Just remember who gave up