This is not a poem

This is a revelation of self

This is me finding the staples that tighten my skin so that I can finally look like
a man

I know this

I love to share what makes me feel good

Especially people

I want you to feel good

I know

That I am afraid to take showers

Because the moment the water starts running there is nothing to distract my
thoughts

I can stand in the tub for days and never get wet

I know

That so many pieces of my heart

Are in way too many back pockets

My love is like a dime store flier

Beggin’ you to throw it away

Go ahead take a number

I’ll never really be whole anyway

This is not a poem

This is a revolution

Where I finally protest my body like a seizure

And give up on my heartbeat that’s beggin’ you to put your hand on my bare chest again

I know this

I am not characterized by the cancer that I thought once wanted to **** me

And I am not some cutting board

This skin is too calloused to be back stabbed again

And I will no longer stay up nights waiting for anyone to love me

And I am not

And never was

Made of anything designed by God

I know

that if you want me too

I will love you forever

And I know how to hold a grudge just as long

Like an egg on the end of a spoon in a one-man relay race

This is not a poem

This is me

Finally putting together the patchwork

And replacing the stuffing

Double stitched

so that I will not fall apart again

In my house there is a cupboard

Full of VHS tapes

One of them is a recording of a news broadcast

On it I stand

Hospital gowned and smiling

Clowns are there on the terrace where it was filmed

Painting our faces

They all smile

I smile

The other kids smile

None of us over 4 feet

But balding

Black eyed and missing toothed

A clown takes my hand and begins to paint

It is cold

The paint

And the Terrace

I tell her how I want to run away with her

She smiles

Maybe

On camera

You can see my back through the open gown

The bones make me look like a brontosaurus

I turn to the camera

Remembering I was told never to smile with the paint on

or it will crack

The circles under my eyes are gone

My lips are red

My cheeks are tan

I look normal

Off camera

mommies and daddies are crying

Off camera

the clowns are crying

On camera

There is a terrace full of dying children

In a hospital

And we all looked normal

It is similar to when you get so drunk

You eat just to feel yourself eating

Or you ****

Just to feel yourself *******

There is this thin glove covering

The memories of us

And I am ashamed knowing that

You fell asleep in my arms

And I can’t remember what it felt like

I tried to sleep in the shape

Of a hollowed log

So that I could feel like

I might actually be able to protect somebody

That the thin shell of myself might at least keep the rain out

I know we kissed

Through the thin veil of inebriation

And you laughed saying that my beard tickled

I want to remember what you smell like

But through the buzz

My olfactory

Became an old factory

That shut down

In the morning my mouth tasted like copper

From biting my cheek in my half sleep

And you smelled like a perfume shop

From the distance of subtlety

Still beautiful first thing in the morning

And I felt just shy of *****

And mostly ashamed

That I couldn’t remember

What you felt like

I know grace when I see a man spend his last dollar on a chocolate bar for his son

And I know God like a geezer with a crystal ball sayin, “life’ll work out

It always does”

And I know you like a fingerprint

How each swirl is supposed to be unique

But when you touch me

It’s always the same kind’a love

Same fire burnin holes in my skin

Don’t let me walk away from here without sayin,

“You should know this about me

As a boy

I never learned mouths are equally good for closing as they are opening

And then

I learned that if something you loved wasn’t broken

Break it

And as a man

I learned I break everything”

So now I lay under bath water until everything is still

And beg for my heart to quit knocking its rhythm in my ears

And I know forgiveness

Like the leftover guilt in the gospel pews

Like the swell under my kneecaps

I know you

Like the voice of god in a tornado

And you should know me

Like the rubble of what his voice left behind

She kicked me out of bed first thing in the morning
I didn’t even have time to make us breakfast
Not that she was hungry
She seemed satiated enough
So I left
and later met a friend for lunch

He was kicked out of bed first thing in the morning
He didn’t even have time to make his new lover breakfast
Not that he would have eaten
He seemed satiated enough
So my friend left
And he met me for lunch

Our attempts at fuckery find us
Not too far from one another
It is the distance of a coffee table in a diner
After we make our way to the wayside again

We both have water
And it washes our pallets clean
Of the liquor
And the cigarettes
And her mouth
And his mouth

Still lingering a little bit bitter
So we sip some more

These are sheets we leave behind so stained
That you hope the passion will stay
Until there are so many it doesn’t matter anymore
These one night stands will never feel any less *****

The spots of sweat and memory
That still won’t wash out
So many
They look like constellations
As the sheets hang to dry

I imagine they trace out your body
Not just your body
Any body

So generic now
It makes The Shroud of Turin
Look the aftermath of Babylon’s midnight bustle

These are the ways that love leaves you
Hanging you wet to dry
Stained and *****
And equally alone again

Forgive me for the way my mind wanders
I am still with you
I just didn’t want to *** yet

These are the ways my body leaves me
And then you
The morning after I accidentally told you I love you
Even though we just met

I have found and lost love
Enough times to secure my spot in hell by now
I mean
My fear of death his hell enough
To love you as much as I can

Forgive my neuroticism
As I leave again
Finding myself where my fuckery leaves me

At lunch
With a friend
Who is equally awkward
As we make way to the wayside again

There is nothing more exhausting
And equally refreshing
As crying yourself to sleep

I know this in how much lighter you feel when I hold you

In all that racket
And shaking
And heaving till you are breathless
Something heavy fell out of you

The dust that settles in your lungs needed to be shaken out
It’s okay if it made your tears muddy
Pain is *****
Life is *****

Even when god made us
It was from earth
Damp earth

For all we know
In the loneliness of space
And its coldness
And lack of light
God cried himself to sleep one night
And made us
By accident
From the dirt that settled
On the days he needed to be breathless
And he wasn’t lonely anymore

And you
You don’t have to be as lonely any more
I can hear you
And see you

I understand the sound of weight shedding
Pounds lighter till you can walk head up again
Without gravity workin’ overtime
On your heart
And eyes
And hands when
I try and Heimlich-hug
The heart stuck in your throat

You can never really see anything as clean
Until you see it at its dirtiest first
Because in the end
All we have is the mess that we leave behind
Leave your dirt behind
Where we’re going
We won’t need  it

I know there are days
Where this depression gets so strong
It feels like gravity is making up for
All the times it accidentally let you fly
And after pouring yourself a bowl of cold cereal
The weight of the spoon as it goes to your mouth
Stretches time infinite

So you don’t eat
Hoping gravity will let you go
You let yourself go
Let it all go

You and I are characterized by deep breaths
And bad timing
Sick jokes
And a mouth so *****
You have to bite your tongue at times
To keep the flies out

Perfect is unattainable
Just try to be good
Do it for me
No one ever hated a man
Who kept his heart in the right place
Out of his chest
And on a mantle
Away from dust
In between
Bibles and poetry
Coloring books
And old *******

You might not care to be good
But you can’t be complete until you are

I wouldn’t be telling you this
Unless I knew that
Unless I knew what you would become
After making some of the hardest decisions in life
Like making it a point to stay alive

Stay alive
Be good
I love you
And trust me
In the end
You will be so happy

Signed
An ******* from the future

With the fresh breath of passion, you bless my skin.
Lips like embers glowing, moving,
to places I don't want anyone to see.
Fingernails leave trails down our backs
with the purpose of drawing honey blood
to the surface to mix with the sweat.

Is it me that makes those eyes come alive?

Whisper a secret, in my ear, what you want of me.
Tease so much it aches in my bones;
trace burning masterpiece bruises.
You meet my melody with your own reserved harmony
that I love to feel on my neck and tendons.
We are sultry savages in the face of lust.