It's been drifting through the halls like a breeze sneaking through the window again.
I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

She came in through the door with Merlot stained teeth,
Speaking soft cries for the past in a high pitched voice for a few moments on the phone,
"Remember the first time I told you I loved you?"
"But we were different then."
And man on the other line,
I remembered who he was, with his thick rimmed glasses and bright blue eyes,
Stole the heart of my sister and a bit of her soul,
Now he just gives her a few minutes of his time as a small reminder.

I myself felt unwell.

My chest still felt swollen in a message from a match strike of a love,
Delivered by friends nonchalantly on the couch.
I drowned him in my aura
And set his heart on fire,
Too fast and too soon,
And it broke his heart too.

I'm trying to let it be nothing,
Take it out of myself like loose change in my pockets.
Let it be the nothing like it really almost was.

I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

We were up in the air,
Or it was love,
Maybe the heat rising as the night set into place.

In the parking lot that glowed with the moon reflecting on the cars,
He brushed the hair from my face with the tips of his fingers,
And cradled my head in his lap,
While Bright Eyes serenaded the night,
Kissing my tired eyes in the middle of all the songs.

I felt specks of lust in my heart,
But more of a sense of adoration,
Affection,
Which is rare for me,
The girl of stone.

I stopped thinking for a good three minutes about how I couldn't offer myself or even a part without the constant anxiety of possible loss,
How the words he would write in the morning love notes weren't always grammatically correct,
How earlier he grabbed my hand without knowing it held a coffee and led it to spill on my sleeve.

He buried small pecks in my hair,
Taking breaths of the floral scent still present from yesterday's washing.

I sat there in the humming of the car radio with a rapid heart beat,
And soon, a feeling of guilt.

"I don't deserve someone who is this good to me."
And while I couldn't think of the reasons why,
The statement stuck in my head,
Forcing me to sit up and stare out the midnight window as if I was expecting a familiar face to show on the other side.

Abruptly leaving was my only option before eating myself alive.
I drove the whole way home missing the eighteen goodnight kisses I ran away from,
And the brightly lit possibilities that hung from the stars.
All because I didn't think I deserved them.
But I did. And I do.

The spirit is a real thing,
No matter how badly we'd like to convince ourselves this is our only stop in the universe,
Or we are a fragment of some wild imagination.

And maybe we can't touch everyone,
And not everyone we've smiled at in our lives will remember us in the long run,
But our essence and energy will linger around those who got to love us,
And the places we bought our after work drinks and early morning coffees,
Keep them comfortable,
And give them reminders of who we once were,
The presence we offered,
Soft or strong,
Something still tangible even after we've found our way into the dark.