I wish I could love you
the way that you loved me
not at all, and selfishly

I wish I could walk with my head held high
I wouldn't miss a beat or be bothered by a stranger's sigh

but instead here I am, crawling toward anything giving off a sign of discomfort

I want to put my hands on anything broken
I want to fix their smile
my heart aches for those around me

you see, we are very different
I love endlessly and completely
your love is fleeting and only ever just the beginning

i don't know if i even exist.
i am standing outside with the most beautiful boy i have ever seen in my life.
it moves me over and over to think two people could lie in an extravagant bed holding each other all night- through wind and rain.
the love of two people, a special bond i so envy.
i envy the children they have made out of persistent love.
no doubt these children will find someone who needs them and whom they need in return.
i feel twisted and alone.
oh my insides, my insides scream for a love that hums, simmers, and flares the way the secret fire burns as we get wasted.
i'd rather get wasted with you.
i want your hand stroking my head.
i want to feel important for once.
i want someone that i have been dreaming about.
i have been dreaming so long.
i am so important.
i feel like screaming, begging the universe to provide
but my belly hurts. my palms are ***** and my jaw aches
i am so tired of being viewed as someone to spend time with when there is nothing better to do, or just a 'piece of ***'
how disturbing it is to know that that is the image men receive when they see a semi-good looking woman.
i want to love.
i would take the complications with one over entertaining many.
i can understand why those men are always screaming and pounding on their instruments. no doubt they have been ripped open by the idea of no love.
the lack of feeling.
i can feel briefly and then
i am destroyed once more
i am looking for something i have never had
something i am not even sure exists
But i cannot give up
I will not stop waiting.
It is so clear in my mind.
i deserve it so badly

what they don't know is that I said "absolutely not" to his offer of marriage as I laughed through shiny teeth and then we made sweet sweet love upon his former companions divan and we desecrated  the room we burnt that **** Down he lit 300 candles on fire to profess his burning passion to me and he proved it to me with his eyes and drooling lips I can't believe I believed the lie I was blinded by the orange glow that I so loved it made my intestines quiver as I gargled salt water I felt like  Mumbai as the colors surrounded me but the stench overwhelms me I could not breathe and for a moment I felt safe in my own skin as I lay there listening to the uneven sound of his breathing and the way his heart beat matched mine, I'm not joking, EXACTLY the soft glow of the tube flashed against the poorly painting cream walls that we left marks on it was a battle field or a storm and now we lay in the eye of that which our love is swirling about ready to destroy one another over and over and over again I can't take it my body was not made for such violence my heart begs for love and gives love only but yet it does not receive and it is not because it is incapable but it is because those who surround me are so unwilling to open theirs for fear of letting a dark being inside to shatter the windows of their home they have spent their entire lives building and because of this they do not expand they do not grow they are scared they fear and they tell themselves over and over again "I cannot do it" we all reach this point but at this moment of saying you cannot is when you must

could be the Midas touch, except not at all. Everything touched does not solidify into something valuable, instead it disassembles immediately losing the vibrant colors.

As I shuffle through this once magical place, the trees swoop low reaching for extending with their spiny tips.

My legs are bruised from the countless blows I took from myself. My feet are blistering in the dirt beneath my spoiled flesh. The tears are relentless down my cheeks, the flow hasn't slowed just as the river my comrades think is so beautiful. Contrast it with my face, let it haunt your memories, tell me you think it's beautiful now. continuing down this rotting path, my limbs dismantle as they have grown weak, my head topples to the hard earth with a disturbing thud.

an overwhelming sense of peace consumes my mind at the idea of no longer continuing to ***** a seemingly perpetual journey through the coldest hell I have ever been in. I used to be warm now I am shaking vigorously lying on the ground. my eyes tilted toward the movement in the brush. the sounds grow louder as they draw nearer to where I lay. the moon has abandoned me, my last true partner. he has gone behind a curtain of smoke to hide his eyes from what he is about to witness. of course, he knew he couldn't save me!! silly man why did he try, maybe it was because I couldn't touch him from so far. He smokes another cigarette immediately turning my eyes black. the trees are ripping at my intestines. Now, the peace has gone and there is nothing left to do but close my eyes and await the horrendous ending.




and then I felt her soft hand, and my tears no longer fell for fear of dying.
I was saved.

she's selfish
she's heartless
destroying everyone in her way
she doesn't look back

she doesn't think twice
she smiles in the face of fear
and does not listen to what they hear
she stands tall among the lilies laughing with the sun

what they can not believe is the fire licking her toes consuming her from the inside out flame bursting through her eyes can she even breathe does she even know what she is doing

she travels alone everyone close to her being shoved from somewhere dark
she wants to be alone
she has seen too many glass homes razed behind her

she turns
the fear in her eyes now
"What have I done?"
her hands shaking vigorously
bleeding from somewhere unknown
"God, why did you make me this way?"

an overwhelming sense of disgust and disappointment washes over her she falls and keeps falling begging the landing to be sharp and unforgiving

the only way to feel better, is to feel nothing at all

AND I JUST LOVED THE WAY
THAT YOU LOOKED AT ME
LIKE YOU WANTED ME TO STAY
FOREVER AND THEN YOU GOT UP
AND YOU JUST WALKED AWAY

SOMEONE TELL ME HOW
HOW CAN I  FEEL NOW

THOSE LIPS YOU HAD
WERE LIKE A BEAUTIFUL BAD
DAY. WHO THE HELL LET YOU IN PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR MY "FRIEND"

I NEED NOT ANYTHING TO COVER
I USED TO BE WARM
WHEN I HAD YOU MY LOVER
NOW MY BONES ARE COLD
ILL LAY TIL YOU REDISCOVER
ME AND TAKE ME HOME TO HOLD

I PROMISE I AM NOT THAT BAD
ILL LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES
AND WE CAN SAY WE HAD
THE BEST TIME OF OUR LIVES
HERE ON THIS PORCH

WISTFUL THINKING
YOU LEFT ME LYING IN THE SNOW
FROZEN. COULD YOU SEE MY EYES
DID I LET IT SHOW?
THAT DREADFUL DECEMBER EVE
I WILL NEVER SHAKE THE MEMORY

I THOUGHT I NEEDED YOU
TURNS OUT I NEED TO DIE
I CANT SEE STRAIGHT
BUT GOD IM TRYING TO FLY

if you think it is about you
it is probably not
I have a million and one
you missed your shot