it’s just a word
that’s what i tell myself
so the breath doesn’t leave my body when i see it
or hear it
but for some reason
those 8 letters shake me to my core
they make me lose all thought
all reason
all sense of normal
and i don’t know why
because it’s me
i don’t know why those eight letters
have that much power over me

maybe it’s because i’ve read it a million times in my textbooks
seeing the stats
and pictures with the stick thin girls
looking in the mirror
maybe it’s because i can’t admit to myself
i actually am those statistics
i cant process that i’m the word
because it’s only in textbooks
it’s only in the movies
that’s not who i am
that will never be me
maybe it’s because i don’t see myself as it
i don’t see myself as the girl in the textbook
or as a percentage in a chart
i don’t see myself as a definition
or something people study
something that people can’t understand  

or maybe it’s because i hate the word
because it only reminds me of complete and utter pain that used to be my life
maybe it remind me of everything i lost
or that were robbed from me i should say
my happiness, my passion, my life
my entire life was taken by those eight letters
so maybe that’s why i cant bear to even look at them

maybe it’s because that means i am it
maybe if i see the word too many times
or say it enough
it will become me
it will be who i am now
and what am i then
i’m not alive that’s for sure
what am i if that’s all i am
if that’s who i’ve become now
what do i have
if my whole existence is based upon those 8 letters

i wish i could tell you
i really do
because i want to to know too
i want to know why i flinch at the sight of the word
why i cant stand to hear it
let alone have it leave my mouth
i want to sit here and tell you
that i’m better
and those 8 letters are behind me
but to be honest i don’t think they ever will be
maybe that’s it
maybe that’s what i’m afraid of
never being able to forget it
or past it
just stuck with it
being haunted by it every second
because i see it everywhere
it follows me and teases me
everywhere i go
so maybe if i don’t say it
it will leave me alone forever

or maybe just maybe
the word makes it all a little too real

maybe when i say it
i feel the pain
and hurt
that i used to
i see the joy i was robbed of
for so long
i see who i was before
i see it all so clearly when i see that word
and maybe that
is just too real to handle

We as humans love and crave answers
We search and search until we finally find
What we think we have been looking for
We need answers to the questions we have
Like we need air to breathe
It seems we cant live without them

But that begs the question
Is it better to have the answers?
Or is it better to let our mind wander
And create what we want to hear?

I cannot decide which is worse
To be trapped in the unknown
With you mind spiraling
Searching for anything to hold onto
Anything that will make it all make sense
Or is it better to know why someone walked away?
Why someone suddenly began to question everything?

I don’t know to tell you the truth
Because yesterday I sat lost
Unable to focus on anything
Or eat
My mind racing
Trying to think of every explanation for why
You would need your space from me
And then see you with everyone else
Going all these places and doing all these things
I start to question what I did
If there is someone else
If you lost feelings

So I wonder then, about today
Knowing why
Having the answers
Is it better
Knowing that you are scared we rushed things
Scared we are in too deep
And thats dangerous
Scared that you weren’t ready
Scared you don’t know how to be alone
And I get all that I do
But why make me fall in love
Why do you realize this now
After you said you can see forever with me
After you make me fall in total and absolute love with you
Why now do you think it is not right
Why do you need space now
After you said you don’t need a piece of paper to tell you
We are married
And in love
Why?
I beg you
For any sort of answer
Because the one you gave was not enough
And I fear that every answer will never be enough
They will only lead to more questions
And I will forever be lost of why
You would let us fall this hard
Why you would tell me I am your soulmate
If you did not want something serious
Why
Why would you do this to me
And hurt me like this
I have done nothing but love you
And stand by your side
And you betray me like this

So I ask you
Wherever you are
Reading this
Think before you ask people
Think if you can handle to answers to the questions
You so desperatley want the answers to
Take a minute and ask yourself
If your heart needs to hear the words
You so longingly want
Because my dear
Sometimes you cannot handle them
So the universe leaves you confused
And wondering
Searing for a tiny string
Hoping it will unravel the great mystery
Of love
And yet it never does
And you are holding on to that string
Tighter and longer than we all know you should

So I propose instead
Let go of the questions
And accept the word as it is
Ignore that human desire
That is so innate and deep inside of us
And stop asking
Stop begging
And searching for these questions
We all know we don’t want to hear the answers to
And accept the unknown
Is a comfortable place to be
Whereas the string we cling to is painful and dangerous
And look to the future
With hope and excitement
Because my dear, if it was love
If it was as great as your heart imagined it was
It will be answered in great time
You will not be searching for answers
As they will be in front of your face
They will not be hiding between stolen glances
And mixed signals
They will not be lurking in the depths of the night
Or angry text messages and dreaded calls
They will not be tangled up in lies and deceit
They will not be mixed in toxic potions that lead you to
Places you were never meant to me
They will find you in great time
And the best thing you can do is not wait for them
But rather live your life
As if you have your life answered
As if you have but not a single question about this universe
Because the answers will find you
They will shine brighter and more beautiful than  
The sun while it is coming up in the morning
And casts a warm glow on the world
Chase that glow
The peace that surrounds you and the world
When the day and young and new
And full of possibilities and life

Do not wait through the night
For answers that do not want you
That will never find you nor please you
Accept the world as it is
And find that glow within yourself
As it has always been

And if you do that
You will no longer chase meaningless answers
You will begin to chase the insatiable
And ever addicting love of life

how do you tell someone
you’re losing yourself again
how do you tell the people who love you
you can’t eat anymore
how do you tell them you feel like you’re going to faint every minute of everyday
and all you can do is lay in bed
and when you do get out of bed
the world goes black for a minute
how do you explain the constant headache
the constant pain in your head
not just from the malnourishment
but from the thoughts you can’t stop
the ones you can’t ever slow down
how do you explain that to them

how do you say you’re so completely ******* exhausted of this
that you don’t want any of this
that you resent yourself for thinking this way
but at the exact time
you can’t let go of it
with all the brittle strength inside of you
you can’t get rid of this
so you sit exhausted
during the happiest time of the year
just wishing that this time a year ago
you weren’t like this
life wasn’t this hard
every waking second

a year ago you could get out of bed
you didn’t feel like throwing up every second because you’re migraine is eating away the tiny thing you call your body
every inch of it
a year go you could bring yourself to brush your teeth and take a shower
it didn’t seem like an unbeatable task
it seemed like life
to be frank, you didn’t think twice of it
a year ago

how do you explain
every time you wake up
you miss life
you miss living
because it doesn’t feel like life right now
when you fight with yourself to eat
when nourishing your body seems like a tall feat
life isn’t quite the same
so your life now is dreaming of a life before all this
before every part of your life didn’t seem like a task and a burden
before you pushed everyone away
and locked yourself alone

how do you tell them all this
because i hear it when i say it
how crazy it sounds
i see it in their eyes
when i’m crying about having a sandwich
because the thought of bread and calories makes my whole world collapse
i understand how absurd i sound
i do
don’t worry

so what do i do?
go back to treatment
and have to weigh myself
and take my blood pressure
to see if insurance thinks i’m sick enough to pay to help me get better

do i talk to people about my feelings
because that makes me feel even more crazy

do i tell my therapist
because i haven’t seen her in months
because i was okay for a point of time

or do i call my doctor
so she can tell me that my nausea and migraines are just because i’m not eating enough
and how i’m destroying myself
how dangerous this is

what do i do
tell me
because all that’s keeping me together
the only thing that makes me hold on
is a year ago
when i wasn’t losing myself.