i went to her grave again last night
over eight hours away, i went and laid next
to her ashes
i brought her brand of cigarettes
her brand of beer
i brought her a crossword puzzle

she didn’t have much to say
so i did most of the talking
as usual

like when i was six and Tony Bluto would
pick on me during recess, i’d slam my book
bag into the ground and hide underneath the
kitchen table as she’d peak under her glasses
as she’d peck at the typewriter

“problems, Denny,” she would say

and i’d unload

when i went to her grave again last night,
over eight hours away, her ashes laying there
alone, i unloaded

but nothing happened, nothing was said,
and i ended the evening with a question

“how do i become a better person,”
and that’s when it began to rain

***** made it rain.

for most of us our first love song
was written in the middle of a first grade day,
between reading and math class
where instead of
1+1=2
it was
you+i=forever

even though forever was an apple sauce after dinner
and a kiss on the forehead of your loving mother

heartbreak was the next day when you realized that
each day at lunch time would be an opportunity the
universe would offer up a chance at a tear or two in front
of an unforgiving school, in front of the first girl you'd
hate forever

even though forever was a game of catch and a
nice long talk about girls with your loving father

forgiveness was so much easier in the days before body
hair and friday night despair, when you could sit on your
wooden chair and carve next to Jody's name her replacement

for most of us our first love song
was written in the middle of a first grade day,
between recess and time to go home,
where instead of
1+1=2
it was
you+i= forever

you asked
why

I never tell
you that
I miss you
anymore

the truth is I do

but there are
no words that
can do your
absence justice

only my chest
my skin, my
bones, my eyes
my lips know
how I ache for
you

My first love
not love
an obsession
an all consuming need

School
what’s that?
plans gone
at the drop of his hat

Every waking moment
filled with him
every dream contained him

I fell pregnant at nineteen
had fell for him at thirteen
I had a beautiful son
he became my new obsession

My beau was no longer
my sole reason for living
no longer (him) all my attention giving

He was jealous of his own son
something even now I can’t comprehend

He never hit me before
this being that I adored
for months he wore me down
on my face a worried frown

I had to go home to mum
tail between my legs
got my own place sorted
all plans with him aborted

He went on to do evil acts
I’m not privy to all the facts
he died alone in a prison cell
couldn’t handle his private hell

He’s left a scar on my heart
one from which I don’t want to part
because he had me beguiled
and gave me my darling child

He’s a ghost from the past
that I feared would haunt me forever
now I rarely think of him if ever

the thunder right now is
loud, it’s knocking the walls
around and the lights have all gone
dark

i suppose this is
what they call a
heart attack

the beats of my heart
are beating the back of my
chest, i close my eyes and everything goes
dark

i suppose this is
what it’s like

I.
She will rise like the phoenix;
as the old cliché goes, she will.

The sky will burn back and she will
take what she had left, burning it
to perfection like the yolk of the egg
once broken for mouths to feast on.

II.
A hanged star on a muggy night
hides from her presence; her falling
fingers, crashing towards the sea
making the old sky jealous:

She made the sea as gorgeous
as the night sky with a scatter of salt
for stars. She winced at the cold.

III.
She trickled my eyelids
open, and called my name

with the same heat from a Sunday
good night kiss. I opened my eyes for
her allure to take over the window:

IV.
she whispers:

“love, it’s time
to go back
to work.”

And I will always go back;

V.
I will always kiss her,
every inch of her

VI.
till the moon steals the show
tonight.

VII.
And that is why I call her
Queen.

as long as there is heart
there
will be love
as long as
there
is love
there will be
hate

we borrow from
and take away
each day

sometimes we run away from it
sometimes we run right into it

unsettling as it is,
nothing surprises me
these days.

i woke up this morning ******* from the night
before about something petty
my ***** itched from sweating all night
forgot to turn the heater off
passed out drunk, didn’t really forget

work called me in early
so i missed my morning ******* and ****
coffee was cold; who am i kidding the coffee was old

******* in korea with more threats, government bans
something else, electric is due and i’m tired as ****

work sent me home early
said i stunk from last night, who are they kidding
i’m still drunk

bomb went off in boston, who ******* knows who
did it, bunch of ******* wack jobs living in this country,
gun lovers, gun haters, baby lovers, baby haters, *** lovers,
*** haters, very few lovers of love but even they fight at
night when the shower runs out of hot water

all i know is my ***** are blue and stink with pain