I want to be there when it's 4 AM
and your chest can no longer withstand the weight
of the demons that no one else can see
and you can no longer push them back
long enough to breathe
and the exhales smell of ***** and misery
when your very own fingernails
betray your palms
with blood that looks like it's not even your own
I will bandage your hands
and hold them gently until the demons leave

and when you are afraid
of your own reflection
I will hide all the mirrors
and sit by your side with the lights off and
run my fingers through your hair
as if untangling your hair
could untangle the knots you have inside

I will wait for you
I will not groan when it's three in the morning
and you stumble out of bed
to go sit under the streetlight in the rain
and I will wait inside
with tea in your favorite mug
when you say you must go alone

when your eyes are vacant;
a winter house
with no footprints in the snow
and newspapers piling up in the driveway
the lights left on to scare away intruders
I will be there when you come back

I just need to know you'll come back

Drive through the forest, oblivious to the perfection that's closed around us. Sit near the river as the winds crash alongside the water brushing the shallow tide to waves crashing against the bay again and again, coming back stronger each time. We'll wait for the sunset in your beaten down mustang, and in that moment I'll fall in love with you.

I guess it's always been like that
You cry, I laugh
But tonight I hated your face

You tried to hold back the tears when you saw it
It was just one of my many scars
I started laughing

You still don't know about the rest
Or why they are on my body
Only I know that

Such a beautiful girl
With tears that runs down her pretty face
The ice blue eyes look so much colder
But yet so much more alive

And I'm responsible
An ugly face
With an even uglier smile
And a hideous laugh

You asked me why
I didn't really have an answer you'd understand
You said 'you're ruining your body'
Once again I started laughing
Feeling the tears from my own eyes creep closer

It's kind of ironic
You don't want me to ruin my body
Oh but darling it's already so broken
I'm just trying to build it up again
In a way that you would never understand

I'm sorry that you saw it
I don't want you to think that
I'm asking for help
Or that I'm weak
I'm sorry in a way that you will never understand

December comes around again, the snow blankets the earth in a heavenly glow.
Each day seems to get colder, and I would be so much warmer if you were still here.

There’s a familiar loneliness that comes with the season,
I always seem to forget until it’s finally here.
I’m left to resort to whiskey are cigarettes for warmth,
since you went away.

Sometimes I'm sad and I want to die, and sometimes my heart feels so heavy I'm afraid it'll turn to stone.
Yet when I look at you, my stomach sheds the butterflies it housed inside, and I feel not so afraid.
I told you I felt bad for not mourning death, but I felt better when you said you felt the same.
I felt special, when you told me about your crush, but how it could never work,
because he's not like "us".
Us.
Like we are part of the same entity, part of the same space, of sinew and matter.
Us.
Like you thought I was special enough to be part of you.
That was the greatest thing you could have said to me, except that one time, when you told me;
"I could love someone like you."

Just a few short months
That's all that's passed
But still I feel I've grown
Even if just the slightest bit

Sometimes all it takes
Is a new setting
New people
and new a place

My eyes have opened
I know how lucky I've been
My family loves me
And I love them

This is all that is really needed
But I have so much more
A home to go to
Friends to smile with

Some don't even have a smile
Some don't have a home
Or a family that loves them
Yet I am fortunate enough to have this

Why?