i woke up this morning
i reminded myself i’m worthy
i don’t groan when i see my mirror
i greet it with kindness
and the reflection does the same
i used to hate what i saw
i used to cry when i looked for too long
i would hurt her feelings
i would cut her skin
i would bash herself
why did i not realize
only by loving her
is the way to love myself

don’t think about it
don’t think about it
don’t think about it
stop thinking about it
i’ve done it again
stop stop stop stop stop
i can’t stop it
i can’t
please help me
i can’t stop it
how do i let this happen
breathe
breathe
breathe
stop thinking about it
****
you keep letting this happen
breathe
it’s fine
i’m fine
it’s okay
it’ll be over soon
breathe
stop
stop thinking
think about something else
****
**** **** **** breathe
calm calm calm calm
be calm
stop
breathe
it’s fine
it doesn’t matter
**** but it does
calm
where am i
what is around me
**** breathe
calm
stop stop stop
don’t let it get to you
**** ******* ****
calm
breathe.
breathe.
in and out.
in and out.
wipe the tears
carry on.

i fall hard and i fall fast
though i find it hard to admit
i’ve loved over a hundred times
and each time i only love more
maybe the depth only comes with age
i’ve given love to those who deserve it least
a ****** high school boyfriend
family members who never make an effort
somehow i not only keep loving
my love only gets stronger
sometimes it is far from reciprocated
i only hurt myself more by loving harder
i don’t see it ever changing
will the hurting come to an end
if i try to love even more than the last time?

the gateway to the heart
lost in a blink
but the passion remains
look at me
become one with me
keep your eyes on me
stay right here
don’t lose the gaze
i only start to fall in love
more every glance
watch me as you
make love to me
you’re in control
can you see it
in my eyes?
i’m all yours tonight
and tomorrow
and eternally
just keep looking
into my soul
feel the vibrations
start to turn towards you
stay on my wavelength
let’s just stay
right where we are
but im lost in yours
but are you lost
in my eyes?

i’ve searched for love my whole life
i fall for strangers at first glance
growing up lacking the feeling
only makes me want it more
the feeling gives me meaning
and makes my stomach twirl
i have a hard time saying no
devoting myself to someone
is a complete adrenaline rush

i keep picking up my pieces,
as if i’m not the one tearing them apart

i struggle to keep my head above water,
but the ground is shallow beneath me

i let the tears flow out of me,
i’m reason they have formed

i blame the world for being so cruel,
knowing i’m the one bringing me down

how is it that “happiness is a choice”,
i’m begging for that option

brutality is my only mentality,
forced onto me by the one i know best

i just wish i could get out of my head.