Someone died on Facebook today
Their Mom updated their status with this whole
Long thing about love and light and hope and stuff
I knew the guy a few times but not a majority of times
If you know what I mean
But now when I check my newsfeed he isn't there
Or his mom's thing he posted isn't there
He's been pushed towards the bottom by a bunch of buzzfeed articles
There's this great Woody Allen bit about death coming for
The wrong person
It's probably not an original Woody Allen idea
But I've always thought Woody Allen was a genius
And I guess I'm willing to admit that genius is a pretty subjective term
But I guess What I'm Trying To Say is that
For a guy who thinks about death so much and about how
It seems to pick on whoever happens by
Woody Allen has made it pretty far
And I'm gonna remember him as a genius anyway
And I know some other people
Are gonna too
But this guy on Facebook is just gonna get pushed to the bottom
Of a bunch of different news feeds
And I know he knew he was dying
And had to think about it all the time
And pushed it to the bottom of his own self
So that he could get through his last days
With a smile and a good morning and really firm handshake (from what I remember)
And no one not even me is gonna call him a genius
And if I wasn't writing this now I probably wouldn't
Ever think about him and his aggressively charming face after a few months time

I wore my santa hat to work today
That I bought off a mannequin's head
On my walk home the day before
The girls who sold it to me didn't seem
To know how much it cost
They didn't seem to care very much
So I just
Named a price like I assume the first
Man named the birds

Man: (pointing) birds.
Me: (pointing) ten dollars.

It was probably too much money for a hat
That some kid stitched in some oppressive warehouse
And where he is it's probably not even cold outside
Because it might be Summer
But he still has to stitch stupid santa hats
So I guess even though he'll never see any of the money
I overpaid for the sake of that miserable kid

While wearing the hat at work
My face seemed to hang from it
As if I was suspended beneath the hat
Like I was an ornament
I'm not used to working near the holidays
And I'm not used to being in LA for them either
And I'm not used to being alone

I never had a Christmas with you
It might've been too much for my heart to handle
Sometimes love scares you because you're worried
You might pop
Like an overripe balloon
Or a zit

I'm gonna go and see if George Bailey can make me feel like it's Christmas in two days

My Wedding Dress got stuck on a herd of cattle
And this morning I was woken up by an earthquake
Which I dreamed was the cat
Dry ******* my face
It seems a lot to ask for a night in with a bottle of white
I can't even manage to like the movie I'm supposed to like
It wasn't that I can't look you in the eye
It was just that tonight it took a lot for me
To be looked at
Without my wedding dress on

Everyone in this bar is swimming in blood

Because of the lighting...

Like we are all sharks in the midst of a feeding frenzy
And because we've eaten all of the baby whale or whatever
The water around is blood red and we're about to start
Taking bites out of one another
Women swim in and out of focus but I know I haven't shaved for a couple days
And I could hardly seem **** or manly or supportive or wealthy or kind
With my greasy hair pushed back under my baseball cap
And my big puffy adidas coat
Like I'm a drug-dealer from The Wire
Except white

I probably look exactly like that one ****** polish kid in season two who works on the docks but then tries selling drugs and it doesn't work out very well and I can't remember how or if he ends up dead but I do remember he has a big ***** (my ***** does not look exactly like his).

Anyway we find a booth, my roommates and I
And I text my handsome Romantic friend who lives near the bar
I love him but I also think he is kind of a sucker (suckah) sometimes
But he is super earnest and funny and loving
He is one of the few people I know who beams at people when they are talking
He meets us at the bar and so do some more of our mutual friends
This girl with large glasses who i spent the night with once is there
She is currently spending her nights with my handsome Romantic friend who lives near the bar
I am really happy for them because
     They have been friends so long
          And finally seem to be in a comfortable ******
                 Relationship and it just happens to be with each other
                    But they get along so well and have so much in common
                       And I've known them both for a while and always wondered
                          why they weren't "together"
It just seems good

I am privately jealous and insecure
The shark in me looms behind my mask
And I think vicious mean territorial thoughts
But I don't really want to spend another night with this girl with the large glasses

My love is restrained
Put in a choke-hold by an older brother or big mean friend
While my handsome Romantic friend who lives near the bar's love is boundless
He is a dog you can hear running through the house to meet you at the door
I'm simply not home
Or sick

I drink double whiskey after double whiskey
My roommates and I take a lift home
But first we make our lift driver take us through
The McDonald's Drive Through
I have never ordered a quarter-pounder before
I've had the Big Mac and I've had just regular cheeseburgers
But never a quarter-pounder
And I say "it's okay because I'm being fat for the holidays."
My roommates have heard this too many times and have stopped laughing
Our lift driver is a pretty brunette who wants to start a juicery in Miami
She is practical and sincere
I tell my roommates I want a girlfriend like her when we get out of the car
They don't believe me
I don't really either

I came home to find that the
Oven had been left on
And only the burnt crust of the brownies
Had been left uneaten and
Poor Jose had gone to bed drunk
Before nine

I opened Jose's bottle of red wine
Because it was owed to me
And I saved all our lives by turning off
The oven and I sat at my computer watching videos
And thought of how Charles Bukowski's voice
Reminded me of the Disney version of the Jungle Book
Low and soothing and liquid
That you couldn't ever grab hold of
But lived in your memory
And the wine made memory sweet

Poor Jose drinks and his memory
Hits him like a stingray
Sliding just beneath the wet sand
His life is twisting and turning upwards
Towards some horrible nesting spot
And It's just like how sometimes
The cat's mewing seems deafening and
The more pleasant someone is the more you
Wanna pull out their eyelashes
And the cream colored paint on the walls
Is moments away from driving you mad
And with all that **** dully hurricaning around
Who's got time to turn off the oven?

I'm an octopus at the bottom of the sea
And somebody cut off all my arms
I used to have eight big fleshy arms with an indeterminate multitude of suckers
And I would coil them around rocks and fish and *****
And bring them in close to me
But some ******* diver cut off all my arms
And now I'm just the floating head of an octopus
Bouncing across the bottom of the sea

Arms grow back very slowly
And it's strange because it took a lifetime to grow the originals
And it's scary because you get so used to just bouncing around after a while
That you're not sure you really want new arms
And your'e not sure if you can trust them
And when you finally stop bouncing around
All your arms will be good for is to be a nice pillow
For you to rest on top of in a hole in the sand

I wann kick your face in
So that where it was
There is this concave
Of flesh
And you sit in the corner
And have no means to
Process the world around you
Because you got no mouth (it's just a fleshy dent)
And you got no eyes (A couple more dents)
You got no nose (A serious ******* dent)
And I managed to kick you ears off as well
I guess you can still ***** around the living room
But you'll sit there forever (in the corner) while we chuck things at you
And eventually your indented fleshy place where
Your face used to be will haunt me in my sleep
And I'll just about scream wishing you could scream
Back at me