the restlessness aches in my arms and shoots straight through to the tips of my fingers

i clench my hands together to relieve some of the tension,
fists of pure frustration
it is like my blood is moving faster through me,
telling my body to get up and go
…go wherever my feet take me.

there’s no need to get ready for this journey, or pack
it just needs to happen
i just need to let go.

i scrunch my toes and scrunch my nose,
a deliberate distraction.
my eyes squeeze together in agony
but i’m not in pain,
i’m in want.

i want to do something that i can’t
and that hurts more than any physical ache ever could.

it is an internal struggle with my body, my heart and my brain

my brain says:
‘no, you do not have the money or courage to get off of your *** and do something different. finish what you have started and then you can go. just wait another day, another month, another year.’

my heart says:
‘leave, leave, leave. get the HELL out of here! NOW!’

my body sends mixed signals:
‘my heart is pumping, my blood is racing but my feet aren’t moving’

i calm myself down,
because i know one day these three parts of me will work together in unison
and my brain will let me have what i want, my heart will smile and my feet will move.

i had a nightmare

i woke up
the sun was shining
bird’s were chirping
and the smell of freshly brewed coffee was wafting into my room

i slowly rolled out of bed,
a stiff crack shuddered through my body
and i rubbed my misty eyes

shuffling into the kitchen
i grabbed a large mug
and filled it to the brim

my newspaper was waiting outside
beside my blue adirondack chair
the lake was shining as the sun’s rays danced playful across it’s waves
and i could make out the silhouette of a man on the dock

he was familiar
and i knew that i loved him

it was a perfect Saturday morning
i looked over at the man
and smiled

he looked back and asked,
‘honey, where are your glasses?’

i was surprised,
i had never worn glasses a day in my life
but felt the urge to travel back inside to find them

after a long search
i found myself with my glasses in hand
in front of the bathroom mirror

i placed them on my face
and looked in the mirror
but the person looking back was not me

her face was wrinkly
and speckled with dark spots,
her hair was grey
and permed
her teeth were stained
and her eyes reflected years of memories and life

i screamed
and the face screamed back
and we both screamed at each other

‘honey, what’s wrong?’
yelled the man,
as he raced into the house
‘what’s wrong?’
‘what’s wrong?’
‘what’s wrong?’

i opened my eyes

and my roommate was shaking me,
‘what’s wrong?’ she asked,
eyes filled with concern

‘i’m old’
i managed to say as i gasped for air

your feet
rooted to the hard, frozen ground
attaching you to the earth

you and the earth
solidity
a sturdy feeling
as if there's nothing left to know or learn
everything that matters
everything important and urgent
it s
     l
       i
         p
           s
     away
the dry winter air absorbs it
and all that's left is you
tingling fingers
red ears
itchy mittens
short breaths
runny nose
watery eyes
bare trees
and
migrating birds

there is a time in everyone’s life
where they feel incredibly
          normal
we work to make money,
we spend the money we make to live,
we live to work.
the never ending circle of life.
almost makes you want to watch lion king,
and escape from reality.
movies and fictional characters and books help us do that,
escape.
it’s sad that we have to use that word,
escape.
like we’re stuck somewhere, in prison, and we need to get out.
but is it even truly possible to
escape.
escape reality.
escape life.
escape grief.
escape the mundane.
escape everyday.
should we want to
escape?
does life have to be a jail cell?
why can’t it be a door,
or an open field,
or an unmarked trail,
or the beginning of a story.
less escaping,
more experiencing.
that is my goal in life.

to me
Niagara is represented
by the seasons

it starts off
as a new year,
fresh snow on the ground,
endless possibilities

you step out of your house,
maybe on Devine Crescent in Thorold,
and that first breath
of crisp winter air
fills your lungs
and freezes you to the bone
and reminds you that you are alive

everything is always
so still
on January 1st

like a clean slate,
an empty canvas

and then movement begins to paint the beginning of a detailed picture

[migrating geese,
the rustle of a tree,
a car alarm going off,
the sun trying to peak through the grey clouds,
a friend shouting your name]

and the moment shatters
and the new year officially begins

maybe it starts off
with breakfast at Lester Dees
and quickly, but silently,
unfurls into a whirlwind
of school and work and birthdays and holidays and movies and dates and a trip to Niagara Falls and a stroll through Niagara-on-the-Lake and a hike through the Escarpment in Grimsby and joy and happiness and sadness and laughter and tears
and moments

spring blossoms
you feel drenched by the April rain
and weighted down from melodramatic February

but you also feel that sense
of hope
that tingling in your toes
that something good is coming

so enjoy a drink
on a patio in Port Dalhousie,
and crank the volume up
a little bit louder
before a concert at Mansion House,
and take in the scenery
as you run along the Welland Canal

because spring is here

as the days get longer
and the sun gets hotter
summer, lazy as a sloth, engulfs Niagara

Crystal Beach is in full swing
and summer becomes home
to barbecues, camping adventures, road trips, hiking at DeCew Falls, late night laughter, reminiscing around a campfire, the reuniting of old friends, dips in ice cold pools and water gun wars

and as slow and nonchalant
as it entered your life
summer slips away,
like the golden sunsets that it harbors

the leaves change to brilliant shades
of red, yellow and orange,
we wrap ourselves in scarves
and hats and mitts

the world quietly changes around us

fall gives us
warm nights by the fireside
and hands locked while walking along the Escarpment, the city stretched out below

while the squirrels scrounge for food,
we, too, scamper around,
wondering where the year has gone

some will exhale,
a sigh of relief
and some will allow
a large, satisfied grin to stretch across their face

and fall is just that,
a time to reflect
on all that has gone right
and all that has gone wrong

what resolutions did we keep,
and what did we let melt away,
with the humid summer heat

Niagara changes every year
but it is consistent in its ability
to mold new life, to stretch itself, to immerse itself in every season, to provide outlets to enjoy life, to be that friend that is always there to fall back on
and to provide those memories that bring a smile to your face
and leave a warm feeling in your heart
Niagara is home.

it’s a place

it’s a time

it’s a memory

it’s a smile

it’s the changing of leaves

it’s the scent of a wood-burning fireplace

it’s a moment

it’s a laugh

it’s a kiss

it’s that anxiety you get in your throat right before you’re going to cry

it’s a dog panting and wagging it’s tail

it’s a flash of colour through the black

it’s a pair of pants

it’s holding hands

it’s someone’s arm around you, pulling you closer as you fall asleep

it’s falling

it’s strength

it’s a river

it’s an ocean

it’s a waterfall

it’s rain

it’s dancing

it’s uninhibited

it’s passion

it’s an old, crackled picture

it’s a friend that you haven’t seen in three years

it’s a road, the yellow dividers ticking by

it’s a mountain

it’s a birch tree

it’s an aluminum boat

it’s a view

it’s a pitcher of beer

it’s a bottle of wine

it’s a drinking game in an old cement basement

it’s a rooftop

it’s a pair of sunglasses

it’s those old shoes that you wish you’d never donated

it’s grandma’s jewelery

it’s a cat’s tail disappearing behind a couch

it’s a song that your mom used to play on the piano

it’s grilled cheese and tomato soup

it’s a summer

it’s a season

it’s treading water

it’s christmas

it’s playing hookey

it’s a cup of tea on a foggy day

it’s freedom

it’s the windows rolled down

it’s humidity

it’s waking up under the sun

it’s waking up under the stars

it’s legs intertwined

it’s a flashlight in the forest

it’s ghost stories

it’s that concert, the one you swore changed your life

it’s running naked down an old wooden dock

it’s a song

it’s family

it’s then

it’s goodbye

it was.

the ebb and flow
of daily life
becomes routine

we become comfortable
with our jobs
our friends,
our hobbies,
our leisure nights with a cup of tea and the TV

nothing new,
always the same

the sun sets at night
and rises on another day,
night and day
sunset and sunrise
night and day
sunset and sunrise

until the weeks
melt together
the months
fly by
and soon enough
years
of merely being,
merely moving within our comfort zone
are gone
and we have never truly lived,
we have just been

it takes some effort
to put life in our years,
but the satisfaction
of a life well lived
far outweighs
the regret
of never doing
something that scares us,
or makes our heart beat faster,
or opens our eyes to a new feeling, a new viewpoint, a new culture

live unordinary,
take risks,
learn to laugh at your mistakes,
read books,
take flights to places that you cannot pronounce,
meet new people and build worldwide connections,
be thirsty to learn more
and do more
and be more

never give up
on those dreams
that you made as a child

unrealistic is merely a word