panic,
held me down underwater
breathe in the shame, i cannot feel unless it hurts
***** goddess, porcelain queen
swallow the cure, puke it up for that doctor

i am aware that i am incomplete
i am numb within her, without her
the wasps in my stomach do not sleep,
so i opened up the wound

panic,
break my neck beneath the ocean
death wrapped up in my favorite colors
dirt angel, child of worms  
bury that need like a corpse

i thought i would be broken forever
but i am learning to exist in the spaces
between light and dark, strength and need
i think you shot me up with a tender poison
double dose, you are in my veins, still
and i can't talk about it
i can't talk about it

if i could i would drain all my blood
erase the disease from my skin
but you will linger in the emptiness left,
just as always.

i am frail
you grabbed hold of my bones and left me
wreckage

i am not broken forever
i am learning to exist

i am not broken forever
i am learning to exist

if i could absolve all of my desires,
exhale my longing like smoke,
i would cast off every guilty thought  
with the ashes, and rise celestial
as a pale morning star, glimmer
and disappear.

evening, the cold breaks apart
each injured breath,
a sequence of senselessness
alive within a dreadful body

evening, lullaby scrapes at the skin
a whisper which expires
by daybreak, something trapped
beneath liquid dark

i’m going to lay down on the shoreline
and fill my insides up with sand
until i’m full and indisposed when morning strikes again

i’ll sleep up on the rocks
anesthetized, but freezing cold
and i’ll cut my insides open, rotten guts and wasted bone

the stars weaken and lapse away
daylight is needles in my skin
i tried to alter time and space but never found the end

my heart stops. i’m spinning around the words and phrases, the letters of his name. i'm gouging the surface, searching for him drunk in the dark. why am i still bleeding?
i left my humanity somewhere as my body hit the pavement,
never mind, never,
i can shove my hands down my throat as much as i want
but i’ll never purge the memory, clear and pure
the way my name sounds leaving his mouth, pouring over me
warm, salty water.
special.

and despite all my longings, i exist in this space,
my skin and my flesh
and my flesh
and my flesh

i am not special.

it plagues every corner of my life, hangs on me like soaking wet clothes, every morning and every night. i’m a dead flower pressed between the pages of an ancient book. my eyes can’t focus. i can’t stand, i can’t move, i’m trapped at the bottom of the ocean. i feel it beneath my skin like a disease and i don’t look before i cross the street, i don’t take caution, i swallow the chemicals, i drink in the poison like a cure. i’m gripping the hands of a clock madly pushing and pulling, i’m impatient, i’m sick. i’m deaf, blind, mute, and numb. it’s been too long. somewhere along the line every tender word became infested with guilt, i love you. i love you. it’s too late for me. i’ve wasted everybody’s time, i’ve done everything wrong, i’m shooting blanks. i think i was poised for some imaginary greatness, i had every opportunity, i was good enough. i ruined my own life in a simple chain of selfish vices.