the shadow people told me one thing-
they know that i'm no good
creeping away, make me anything else
something was under my skin
so i'm naked and bleeding out
in your bathroom, again
all these fumes could make me choke
blue and twisted up like the day i was born
wake up covered in it,
another failed attempt at reasoning
i know that i'm no good
allow the burn,
i must not look back to that slave, that delusion, swallowing dust,
mockingbird knife song,
i'm nestled in her wings
until I plummet to the earth
candy poison, ashes
limping, i kissed her, i buried her
the stardust and the bars
and the rust, my carmen,
in a haze of her sick murmurs
they are beneath the darkness of the ocean, they see me, i can't see them, they are in the pit of my stomach, screeching, should we do it? should we do it? they are blood clots, scissors, wake up covered in sweat, wake up covered in vomit, they are trapped between my mother's teeth and she was screaming she was screaming. no reflection, evil little girl, shaking, scratching, i can't get below the skin. not here.
the shepard dragged me to the pasture
and i grazed until my teeth were stained
he made a bed for me to lie in
swaddled in the dirt and chains
he makes me bleed and pray for mercy
i am good, i stay on my knees
i need guidance and discipline,
a hole in my stomach, a sliver of release
he comes to beat me and set me free
forgotten, forgiven, for penance, for shame
at stake and trembling in an endless need
a swollen paper doll, needle in the hay
beat me up on the playground,
make me bleed like first grade
knees to the sidewalk, flower girl
selfish little prayer,
white socks, cyclops god
why have you abandoned me?
i believe he loves me because i am an ashtray;
every bone in my body is begging to be broken.
helpless lamb, fairy tears
i bruise, shiver,
and melt with the snow.
i’m trying to twist my terror into something that can hold me,
a cradle for my baby heart, my suckling soul.
i want my crown, i want my safe place to bleed,
laid out like a snow angel, virgin queen.
my body is a cemetery and i cannot sleep here,
i’m a china doll, the earth cracked my skull.
every sound makes me wail like an infant ghost,
nameless and buried in the morning.
dolores haze, barefoot in the garden,
singing lullabies for my childish grief,
tied up in silk ribbons and dripping in pearls,
swallowed by heaven with nothing to keep.
blood or strawberry syrup,
i feast on my gore, my waste,
my crime. i swallowed God
and purged him up.
i starved myself to heaven’s gates
but couldn't fit through the bars,
thick with sin, putrid and heavy.
i fell to the earth.
cardiac arrested, imprisoned,
no way out.
i became the wound i created,
let it grow, let it fester and rot
with a coat of sugar and cinnamon.
my pain is full of calories,
so i purged that too.
true love is an execution,
a sacrifice, careful and divine.
my candied crucifixion,
holy libation to a lonely tyrant.
i made a mess, binged
into oblivion, emptiness.
it is not romantic,
but it is something.