My thoughts so scattered
like body parts strewn across a silent battlefield
beaten, ****** and tired
unable to withstand the power of opposing forces
I crumble under the weight of my own mind
My thoughts are so alive
yet so broken
they think but they don't understand
whatever is in there, cradled in white bone
protected and treasured
it thinks
but it is not ready to understand.

You may read this and not understand
but I guess that makes two of us.

I have this impossible need to cry.
I want to cry and I want someone to see.
Maybe if they see they will understand.
They probably wont understand.
I have no words for this feeling that burns inside me
without words,
crying seems like the only way to get it out.
I want it out.

If I tried to give it words,
I would use,
drowning and suffocating and trapped.
But thoes are just words
and they do not prevail what is pinning me to the floor of my soul.
Its force is unyeilding
and I endlessly long for a way to express its power,
but it seems that a power so strong cannot be expressed.
Not by words and not even by tears.
But maybe if there were tears
someone would hold me
and lie to me.
Tell me that it's all going to get better.
Thats what people do, we comfort each others sorrows
even if we don't posses the sorrows of the other.

So maybe I will cry.
And maybe someone will care.

I know the truth.
I guess that is all that matters.
That white one shouldered dress,
that clung tightly to my hips,
like a woman to her lover.
I know the truth.
Maybe that dress had been removed,
but nothing was given away.
Dispite common belief.
Even through a thick haze of drugs and alcohol,
I know the truth.
"It doesn't matter what anyone says
or what they think"
That's what I tell myself.
But I know, with the wholeness of my being,
that I care.
I am not a ****.
I was younger then, not by much,
but younger.
And I didn't know that you could turn
me into something used and tainted,
frowned down upon by others.
I didn't know that your few words and a mischievous grin
could turn me into something I am not.
But I knew the truth.

The spark of the lighter,
a noise forever ingrained in my mind
and dear to my heart.
It warms my fingertip as it will soon warm my lungs.
I bring the flame up to decorated glass.
Swirls of pink and blue,
sparkling under the dim light.
They look as if they are tangable,
like I could reach in and pick them up
and feel the softness of the colors in my hands.
Cradling the intricate designs,
as the designs cradle the green that brings ease to my mind.

I inhale.
Burning from green to black before my eyes.
Heat in my throat.
Burning so good,
hitting deep in my chest
and everything that has run wild
finally falls into place.
I exhale.

We rest on porches,
stay wraped in the protection of backseats,
or let the manicured grass hold us as we stare up into the unknown.
We are facinated by the unknown,
That of the world and ourselvs.
We explore through a window newley opened,
savoring every second of the breeze that we have discovered.

Your hands are posed up in front of your body,
as if you are warding off bad things.
But your face is waiting.
Fingers come up to meet yours,
weaving themselves around you.
They are my own.
Our palms press against each other,
a fire igniting beneath us.
The white blue flames licking our toes.
How can a simple touch
feel so rewarding?
I lean in so the tip of my nose grazes the stubble,
stiff, but I can still feel the softness of skin
below your jaw.
I want to take that skin in between my teeth
and ****
and make you want me more.
But this isent about ***
No, this is so much more.
I inhale that intoxicating scent.
A scent that can't be described as anything but you.
Just a simple smell, so intense
that it wraps its self around my chest
and squeezes, until I release my breath.
Unable to hold on to it any longer.
Your arms move around my waist
and they are pulling me in closer.
But im drifting.
Blackness is consuming you
while my ears are perking,
ajusting to a horrible high pitched noise.
I roll over,
shifting under my stiff cold sheets.
A green 7:00am flashes in the dark
as I embark on another day without you.

Swallow that lump inside of your throat
Open up the closet and push aside all the clothes
You believe, and never needed more to be said
To leave you scared of that little gap between the floor and your bed
So you jump, leaping over all of your options
And retreat right back to that bed we call a coffin
To sleep, never actually getting a wink
Due to all the little devils that dance around in your dreams
And attack you, pull you under the bed with their hands
And take away the chance of you ever making a stand
And if anything actually ever went as you planned
That you could retrace the steps that you ran
But only if it hits, if it speaks
You could fight it to the death in the streets
You'll grip those sheets in attempt to hide
And figure out that you've been running from the feeling of never leaving alive