She asked me how laying on that table felt
And I told her like a body in a morgue
Like I belonged to a crime scene
When I got up to leave
My soul stayed behind
She’s been stuck there for years
Naked and sterile
A lost ghost and her bones that used to belong to me stands shaking
Like an abandoned home at the end of the street
Broken down and empty
No one looks inside
No one checks on the memories that still reside there

I have this painting in the back of my closet that I started for you many moons ago
The more I look at the half painted mountains the more they all remind me of me at 22
Resting
Im in my home with the man I love
He’s singing in the other room
We have Christmas decorations up and I’m petting our cat
A year ago today I remember wondering what it would be like to be loved by someone that I loved back
I made up days that I liked better
Crowded rooms with spilt drinks    
On the worst nights I danced so hard that my feet bled
For a long time I thought my hopeless dedication and imagination unraveled me to the core
They never saw the rope I was holding onto
It’s been steadily dragging me behind it
Wrapped around my wrists
Elbows burned to the bone
Day by day since I was just 17
It’s been so long
But I’m here now

There’s a large handful of people I’ve loved that I no longer have
When the floods came they washed away
Erosion left behind cracks with their names in the shattered pavement of my hometown
And even now when I step over them on the sidewalk
What I mean to say is I wish you no ill will
No broken backs
When I see you growing small weeds between broken promises and heartache
What I mean to say is I hope after this storm
That there will be sun
That even now I can only hope for growth

I watched you set a fire
But never once felt the burn  
And so I danced in the dwindling flames
And you came around just enough to keep it burning
You are the last thing a moth sees before it dies
It must be true when they say that you only feel the smoke once you leave the house
Because here I am
Buckled over on the front lawn
Gasping for fresh air

When I let go of his hands and released him
I let go of someone who no longer served me
And freed him of someone who had not served him in years
I know that time will whisper hard truths to him Things I could not have yelled any louder
And there will be no ugliness
Just peace
The universe gives gifts that are often disguised as harsh endings and scary beginnings
But when I opened myself up to be alone  
I found in the midst of chaos
A hand that I’ve never wanted to hold more

The tips of my fingers barely peek out past his knuckles
I am safe in these hands
He runs his thumb across my skin
Kissing my wrists and tracing my nails
Have you ever had a man hold you in their palm and not close their fist
He reaches up
Arms open
Hands wide
I experience touch for the very first time

When he leaves for work he kisses the side of my face
In a warm embrace
Something about hiding under his sheets feels like home even in his absence