He said that he didn’t know something like this could exist until he found me
It’s 4am and I’m showing him soft skin
He makes me want to dance in the shadows of his kitchen
Barefooted and light  
Complete devotion in our touch
I want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
And scale his back with small hands
There’s mountains and water and sun
And then us
Nothing is more beautiful than this
Until he found me I never knew lust and love could exist together in matrimony
Made up of slow music and cooked meals
He will be everything I’ve ever wanted and I will be everything in between

Lately I have felt the tides turning
This isn’t love but what it feels like to fall out of it
I opened my eyes underwater and for the first time in years I could see
There is an ocean of other people
And a man thirty minutes north of Miami
2391.1 km from me
Who feels the tides turning too

There’s a man who lives in the next town over
He has unmistakable olive skin and light brown hair
He has these piercing blue eyes and a smile that takes up his entire face but my mum will tell you that he and I
Look nothing alike
The women in his family have full hips
And big lips and
My mother will tell you that
Them and I
Will never be anything alike
There’s songs on the radio that play in the car
And sometimes I swear to god he’s listening at the same time
And we’re speaking for the first time since I was a child
He hands me a beer and tells me that he loves the sound of this mans voice
And I tell him that I don’t even remember what his sounds like

When I woke up I was crisp and paralyzed
Betrayed by my body
Left out to dry my own tears
But there was no sunshine for weeks
I blew around in the wind for days
Holding onto a rope as the twine unravelled
I was weightless  
Pale as a ghost
And soft as 100% cotton
I don’t know how to explain what it feels like to live your worst nightmare over and over again
Other than the sheets you’ve had folded up in your closet for years
The ones that your mum only takes out when distant relatives unexpectedly stop by and you have no time to prepare
I’m cleaning up a mess that I did not make but here I am
Still delicate  
Some days are so hard I can’t even get out of bed but make no mistake
Other days I tuck the sheets in tight
Making my bed just to lay down again
Choosing what I want to do with my body is a liberty I will never get tired of
I’m weightless because I won’t be held down  
I’m a ghost because I will not rest unless I want to
I’m soft because never again will I be convinced that my ability to forgive is a weakness.

I had the dream again last night
The one where you die of a drug overdose
And I am chasing death down a dark hallway
I woke up in a cold sweat
Reaching to any god to provide proof you were well
Instead I found out that last night while we were both asleep a man with your name died from a drug overdose
He tried to kiss me three weeks before under a lamp light
The snow was falling and we shared a cigarette
We spoke about Dubai and tigers and salsa dancing
He put his coat around my shoulders to keep me warm
He told me he wanted to be free and he jumped
Up and down
I told him I was in love
But it wasn’t with him
Tonight I cried to all the gods for all three of us
Because while you and I lucked out of this round
A good man with an aching heart did not  
I still do not feel lucky at all
And you will never understand just how lucky you are

I’ve got no fear of letting them down
We’re already all sitting cross legged on the ground
And they’re holding me by my ankles
In the distance I see all my dead relatives
And old friends
The ghosts of people who held me by wrists
And I see them reaching out
But I’m not close enough to pull up

When you read my book and you find your name between the cracks
Of all my words and promises
Please do not think you’re in the acknowledgments
Know that none of my tears were yours to dry
They washed my skin and healed my wounds
That every time I’ve spilled my guts to strangers
They've all promised that there is a world of where you exist
But you’re not at the centre
And they were right  
I watched you walk away but this time I didn’t cry
Because after all the years I’ve spent invested in a love that is one sided  
I finally found myself in the reflection of your glass walls
I put my clothes back on and I left
It took me five years to see right through you
And you didn’t do a **** thing to get me here