She sits across from you
And you need me to know
She came home with you last night and looks nothing like me
You promptly compliment her perfume
In a way that says I had the sweet smell of lust on the tip of my nose once before
And it did not smell like this
This is better
New
So I hope this time for you
It’s true  
That in the august morning air your first thought isn’t a new way to twist the knife
The wound through my chest has not long been healed
There is cool steal fragments lodged inside me that you crafted with your own two hands
Ten years holding our undying burden of truth
It’s written on my face
There is nothing bittersweet here
May she be strong enough to hold it all and fast enough to chase
I pray this is the ******* end for everybody’s sake

I am a breath of morning air
In the east side I watch the sunrise over the city
Warm glows wrap their arms around cold dark towers standing too far apart to hold hands
We were once two kids doing the same
Dancing in the dark
Kissing until dawn  
Leaving in the morning
We parted like towers casting shadows over each other
Last night I saw the sun set and beneath the orange umbrella I felt you twitch
You are the flickering yellow glow of street lights
The pain of an 8pm curfew in the dead of summer
The hollow call home of your absent mother
When you wake up and you think of me
I hope you know it’s not the same
It never will be  
I won’t hurt for you now - Not tonight
I’m staying in
Now you make me lock my doors up tight

Winter is curling it’s toes in anticipation
And I’m covering my eyes
These days I have been hiding at home
I have shut all the curtains
Offering a sneaky gaze at the sunsets before returning to my place on the floor
There is an emptiness in growth that is indescribable
There is a sadness in leaving things behind
I am right in the middle of success and being 20 years old stumbling home from the bar
And as I watch all the plants die outside
Through the window I can see what looks like me
Just older
Continuing down this path in the winters darkness
This season is painful and I’m supposed to grateful  
But aging feels a lot like waiting for the snow to fall and burry me too

Where did all the love I gave go
When you’re young it’s effortless
So easy to give away
And by the time it’s too late
You’re searching your whole body to muster up anything to hand over
Anything to be enough
To fill you up
If all the love my heart gave is still out there
With no place to go
Pray it knows
It’s welcome back

The thing no one tells you about grief is that time doesn’t always heal your wounds
I am no longer 17
And I no longer go weak at the knees for you
I don’t need your praise or touch
But
I still skip your favourite songs on my playlists
Like I’m committing sweet revenge for myself at 20
Hopeless and dedicated
Like if the 4 minutes and 30 seconds of Heartbeat play one less time in your lifetime
You’ll know
And you’ll feel me at 24
Hoping it hurt you bad

When we sleep
I imagine that we go to the same place
I picture you
Your tattoos and red wine stained cheeks
You smell like ice cream and you taste like it too
Everything that you love
Looks like me
It’s so real sometimes that when I reach out for you
I can feel you reaching back
In my dreams you say everything that I want to hear
And you mean it

There's a sense of hope that hides away in me
Like an abused dog
I’ve made a close friend with the past
Validation only feels like a gold star when you’re the one to peel it off
And stick it on my shirt
I guess i just want you to know that i've done all the work
And still like it