I screamed out
"**** the rent!"
Then pulled out another
20
I stared at all the
Sad
Woman at the bar
All waiting
To be ******
But they had never read Fante
And that bothered me
So I went home
Alone
Opened another beer
And wrote another poem
That nobody
Cared about

It started earlier that day
With Dostoevsky
It was brilliant but it really
Drug the soul through the mud
Spit on it
Cried tears of the world
Over my lifeless body
I slept for 12 hours that night
Sober
I hit the leaking air mattress at 6pm
And didn't get up til 7 something
I had the most beautiful nightmare during that time
I was with an old girlfriend
The one that left me alone
For a year now
"What do you want for dinner?"
She asked with a remorseful
Obligatory smile
Soaked in sadness
"Uhh....macaroni and cheese?" I said
I never knew what to eat
I never cared about food
"Really...that's what you want?"
I ignored her putdown and said
"Ya know. I'm really happy your back
Honey. This really beats the year of
Microwaved dinners I went through"
She smiled. It was filled with guilt
I never want to see her or that smile
Again, dreams...
                                  2
We sat in a warm room
Watching a storm
through the window
There was thunder and rain
Cracking in the darkness
Behind an old church
Dramatically lighting the sky
Like fireworks
"I've never seen anything like it!" I screamed, I was excited. I was happy
She frowned and said nothing
I never touched her in the dream...
                                   3
I woke up alone
Rolled over and looked at the clock
1:30 am
I rolled again
Sighed heavily
And looked down upon my
Naked body
I thought about the dream
The madness of this last year
I thought "Nobody should have to
Live like this"
Alone...crazy and alone
But I had
And others had too
and the ones
That felt it
But didn't soak the drywall
With their blood
Were the strongest
I missed the feeling
Of acceptance, of love
But not the coldness
It brings with it
To love beautiful women like you
Is just suicide...

Lucid dreaming swans
Perched high upon
Delicate snow branches
Wide eyed, watching
Me
I spit at the roots of your sanctuary
I stand naked as the black bull
Paces
The bullring encircled by flame
He is confused and I
Am lost
He kicks the dirt
And I throw silk purple
Flowing thunderstorm rain
Mockery into his face
I twist in a beautiful
Smirk at death veronica
And I feel the breeze of ****** horn
On my neck
Yes, I am scared
Neither of us will make it out
Alive
He tastes my cape
And I choke on his dust
He stands confused
And I am lost
Why must we keep
Charging and twirling
All of our lives?
We sweat encircled in
Hell flame
Thinking about why it's all
So unfair
Then prepare for the next
Brutal goring or
Brilliant silk tornado
While the swans slumber delicately
Upon the canopies
Of brittle trees
I'd rather be here
Than up there

The women were only a
Distraction
From my own
Growling insanities
And the begging loneliness
I felt it all
As they lied beside me
Microwaved ham
In a hard twin bed
I knew i could never face it
Face it alone
Christ!
What i'd give
To have any one of them
Here now
Death stands behind me
Combing yellow bone fingers
Through my thick luxurious
Mexican hair
And the beer
Takes care of the rest

Drinking a pint
Celebrating Christmas's
Demise
Then remembering
There's still new years eve..
Remember last new years?
When the ball dropped
You were full of whiskey
Shirtless
In the cold
And all the couples
Started kissing
And you thought about
Her
And death
And wanted
To cry.
*****.
This year
When the ball drops
I'll
Take
Whoever
Is standing
Next to me.
Kisses
Or
Fists
It's all
The same.

Here she comes now
See the rattlesnakes slither into
Hiding
Among the dying flowers?
Here she comes now.
Like warm blankets for the Indians
Like an infants crib turned casket
Like warm memories devoured by
Alzheimer's.
Remember all the nights you spent
Crying for her?
Here she comes now.
The assassin cuddles up closely
Running soft fingers over your bare chest.
Over your heart.
Here she is.
Remember the nights you thought
Suicide might be more tolerable
Than loneliness?
Here she is.
Staring deep into your tired,sorry eyes.
Into your needy soul.
You wanted her so badly.
Remember?
She does.
She pulls down her pants
And climbs into your bed
And you climb into her
There she is.
Your next death.
You feel so big
And so ******
Small again.

Ah!
She's latina thigh
Ice cream
With shining blank
Teeth, skin, and soul
She gazes fiercely
Though terrified
At this sluggish life
Her quiet cotton voice
Stabs me in the chest
Baby, take my blood
Take my eyes
And whatever morsel of soul
You can **** from my body
I'm on fire
Forever burning lust
Like gasoline
For you
I clench my fists
And want to scream
You are inspiring
Honey, you look
So good

Mutt-swine
Slobbering madness
Squealing agony
The people are sniffing out your fear
Fur rotted wolves
And the trembling
**** soaked trees
The people are hungry for neck vain
Bathing proudly
In the mud ****
Of each other's suffering
Bald vultures
Picking flesh
Beneath the cruel laughing sun
The people are rabies ridden
Rot bull
Pit weilers
How's a man supposed to stay alive?
Here's the trick:
Find the toughest one
Gut it
Roll in its stench
And walk among the rest
Stiff jawed
Wild tailed
With a hyena smirk
And the density of an elephant
Oh,
And don't forget
To stare them all
Directly in the eye.

Futures shed their venomous skins
Forever life is fanged
Some wild Aztec high on bitter flowers
Thought everybody deserved
Another chance.
Or maybe he was a criminal
A murderer, a thief, a ******.
Trying to give himself a
New identity.
Who is this new man I will be?
I am trying to smile.
To forget the shrieking jackal
That lives in all of your hearts.
I will
Eat less
Drink less beer.
I am trying to smile.
To notice the trees bathing in the
Sunlight
To forget about the sun
Irritating my skin.
Look at this smile.
Just as good as any other...
But when I wear it
I can't write anything
Worthwhile.

Vomiting in vulture circles
Waiting for a separate self,
A true you,
That you don't know you're
Ignoring
To jam dumb grunts and howls
Into your false face
So that you can be acknowledged
By the others
Picking the meat off rotting carcasses


I can't be like you.
Dance drunk smile
Screaming words
About things outside yourself
That are described by
Tombstone languages
Meaning nothing to what truly is
Ignoring the guillotine gleam
Of past pain and present agony
That make up the true coward within


I can't be like you.
Wandering mindlessly
Unpurposeful purpose
Pretending there is a plan
And a meaning
Thinking about
Kids
Cars
Work
Vacations
Upset by trivial inconvenience
Never pondering the finite mirror fool
That you will have to abandon
Or the immortality of Infinite
Thought bursts
That might actually be thought of
By a blue skinned 4 armed Lord
Living vicariously through the
Useless you

I can't be like you.
You aren't even real...

25 pale blue julys
My moon floats soggy and
Dimming
Breaking apart and
Sinking
Amongst this
Acid sunshine
I am a peacock in eels skin
And i want to remember to forget
All those awful Septembers
Hack them off of my skin
But they regenerate quickly
Like stubborn tumors
I am just the dust on a napping cat
I hold the bottle up to my lips
Like a samurai sword to the throat
Except with much less honor
I pull the chain on the overhead
Light
It flickers a bit
Then decides to sleep
And the stars follow me like
Night gnats
And i put my body down
Forever or just tonight
It is not up to me
25 pale blue julys
The worm crawls up
Past the rain
Tastes the sun
And laughs

I clock in at 6 AM
the store is empty
the people are empty
The clock is frozen
My heart is frozen.
Life is precious...
The manager creeps around
Corners
Pretending to sweep
But he is really
Listening and watching.
He's doing his best to keep
Everybody from ******* each other.
Life is beautiful...
I walk into the
White fluorescent
Bathroom again and again
Not to ****
Just to stare into the mirror
To remember when the face was less
Battered
And life was
About the same.
Life is a blessing...
I look over at the toilet.
There is a long dark black
***** hair on the seat.
It is curled and standing like
A hissing cobra.
Staring right at me.
I laugh and smile.
Cherish every minute...

50 tons of
Steel locomotive
Came crashing from the sky
Screaming through hideous
Dark purples
On the knife tip of
A lightning bolt
It stopped me dead in my tracks
The cold steel chilled my toes
I thought "huh...that's so strange."
Then i walked around the wreckage
Headed south
On my way
To see you.

filthy brick
sitting in my rented room
drinking southern comfort
it's been a long time
I'll definitely be ******* in the sink
tonight
I hear the women outside
women,women,woman
clapping hooves on cement
stilletos of the apocalypse
smash my eyes and
break my teeth
tick,tick,tick.tick
tick,tick, tick.tick
give me the agony
it's in your skin
woman

My middle school history teacher
Made me stay after school one day
"Look, your essay is alright, but I know you ******* it. Your a good writer, so your gonna stay and rewrite the whole thing."
I didn't care about school or writing
But I thought, ****, maybe I'm good
At this
Then I got into high school
And the entire freshman class
Had to enter an essay contest
"How the Civil Rights movement still influences us today"
I remember the teacher was a
Real stuck up *****
I wasn't interested in her class
I hardly showed up
And she wasn't interested in me
But I showed up for the announcement of the winner
All the kids were excited
"And the winner is...Raymond Suarez" she read it like a
guilty verdict
"Who's that?" A pale blond asked
"Him" the teacher pointed at me
The excitement in the room hit the pavement hard
I wasn't smiling
but I was
"There will be a banquet with the other state winners to see if you won the state finals. I'll give you the information in a few days"
"OK"
She never did...
Then I ran into that middle school history teacher again
We exchanged phone numbers and he called me that night
"Ray...I gotta tell you something... I'm gay"
"ok..."
Then he called me a few nights later
I was drunk and he wanted me to come over alone
"Nah, I'm gonna stay drinkin with Andy"
"Come on, just come over, I got beer and food, I'll pay for the taxi to drop Andy off and bring you here, what are ya, chickenshit? Your ****** chickenshit man" he said in his sloppy Texan drawl
"Nah"
I opened another beer
And wondered if he ever really thought my writing
Was any good
Then I guzzled that cold crisp beer
Down
And that took care of that thought
And all the rest

The fly spent
His final days
Desperately searching
For a way to escape
Through the window screen
When all he had to do
Was open the front
Door

A foaming
Fanged black dog
Hums high toned
Delicate bird ballads
Over cold comfortless
Empty tomb growls
It sits at my bedside
Waiting for me to wake
And lulls me to sleep
It watches me twitch and roll
With relentless glowing eyes
While panting heavily
It's not all that bad
It often makes me
Feel good
It reminds me that I am alive
But I can see it's intentions are
To devour me
Loveliness, liveliness, loneliness...
I think I'll call it Love

Wipe my pollen dust
From your lavender scented
Christ ****** fingers
Milk knuckles shredding
My wings
Like sunburned bible pages
Sighing much like an owl
At 2PM
Or the honey badger
Chewing frozen mice
Behind plexiglass
My heart is a massive
Black bull
Pacing the ring
Always waiting for the sword
Ah! Not anymore!
I am bored of the crawling clocks
I am bored of your necessary
Torture
Today i will call in sick
Burn my wallet
And dance naked
Until moon drown
Im taking my bright orange
Black striped
Silk dotted
Heart back

He was a guy afraid of not fitting in
His hair was perfect
Smooth skin on his face
Had the current style down
Eyes bright. Still living.
One day he asked me
"Man Ray, how do you do it? You make it look so easy."
"Make what look easy?"
"Everything."
I looked down at my filthy
Brown leather shoes
And there was a hole in my pants
And I needed a haircut a month ago
And my face was battered
Like an airstrike on the moon's soil
I felt my chest still inflating, deflating
But couldn't decide whether it meant
Living or dying
I realized then that I hadn't really
Been afraid of anything
Since I defeated loneliness
Years ago
I smirked at that thought
Then said to him
"**** man, I don't know. I guess I just don't care about much."
He shook his head
And I walked away
With my shoulders high
And my chest out
I felt 10 times my size
They can keep the politics, wars, television, fashion,skin products,shiny cars,cell phones,restaurants,new shoes,false love, dead music
I went home
Opened a beer
Picked up Voltaire
And got away
From all that
Mess

I opened the mini fridge to
Keep the roaches away from my
Crunchy honey peanut butter and
Apple jam.
I pushed aside the southern comfort
And saw a hunk of shining tin foil
I opened it up
"Ohh yeah...****..."
It was all of my love
But the tears had evaporated.
It smelled a bit stale.
And the edges were starting to
Harden.
I took a bite.
"Still good."
I couldn't let it go to waste.
But what to do with it?
I couldnt eat it myself, that would be
Odd.
Like performing self *******.
So I called an old girlfriend
"Hey I still have a big hunk of this, it would be a shame to have it spoil."
"No... No. That stuff started to make
Me sick. Last time I had it I broke out
In hives."
"Alright,well...how've you been?"
"Great!"
"Great." Great.
I stuck the foil into my pocket and walked outside.
Somebody might want it.
I saw a homeless women
Sitting cross legged in a pile of filth.
"Spare change?"
"Can't. But I have this..."
She looked at it and frowned.
"The hell am I gonna do with THAT?"
I was starting to think this stuff was
Useless.
I took another bite.
If I could perform self ******* I
Probably would.
Then I threw a piece into a pile of
Manure.
And, I'll be ******. A flower sprouted.
It looked like a sunflower with
Cactus quills.
I threw a piece to a pigeon and it took it and it
Turned into some kind of
Raven-peacock and it
Screamed and flew towards the sun.
I took a piece and threw it to the ants
And their hill turned into a mountain
That shined like a diamond.
I'll be ******...
The stuff is still
Good.
I put the rest into my pocket
As I crossed the street
And I heard a car screech.
I looked up quickly
And shouted
"WHATS YOUR PROBLEM *******???!!!"
And banged on the hood.

Karma exists!
It is real.
I have felt it.
It feels
Like digesting
A machete.
I have been waiting
Years
For this
To pass.

It's crawling somewhere
Unseen
Amongst tall wild flowers
Breathing slowly
Its lungs expanding with cold crisp
Air.
It's dangling somewhere from old
Willow branches
Photosynthesizing beneath
That tortured immortal sun.
It cannot be confined by money
Or walls
Women
Or half filled liquor bottles
Polluting stale air
It's floating somewhere in a screaming river
No course. No destination.
Destined for never.
I was thinking about it today
As I walked in hungover circles
In the department store warehouse
The manager saw my bloodshot eyes
And asked "WHATS TAKING SO LONG RAY? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE DONE!?"
I think I am done now.
It's burrowing somewhere in burning desert sands.
It's smiling. Smirking.
It's laughing at me.
The moth and the 40 watt bulb.
I think I am done now.
Burning my wings again and again
And again.

A friend of a friend
50 lbs my senior.
We danced
We danced.
I apologized all night
"****, I'm sorry,  I haven't danced since the 8th grade..."
"It's OK, I can't dance either."
I pulled her close
Drunk on 10
She really had
A beautiful face.
I felt her ******* against my chest
I got an ******* on the dance floor.
She was looking down.
I wondered if she was looking at
That grotesque
*****...
We interlocked our fingers.
It felt so good.
Her hands so soft.
We danced.
I could breath again.
*******
Sartre.
You brilliant *******.
I was
Alive
Again...

It's just sitting there.
Everyones watching the steam
Fade from it
Dancing rapidly
Against the backdrop of a dulling cracked blue
Wall.
It's just sitting there.
Sacred and sickening
A communion wafer tainted with
E coli
Most will accept it
Bow their heads
Hide it beneath their
Tongues.
It's just sitting there.
I want all of it.
All of it's
Agonies
Murderous love
Poisonous loneliness.
I want to spit in its face.
I want to rob this ******
From behind
With my thumb and forefinger
Pushing through my sweater pocket
Pressed against its head.
It's just sitting there.
I'm gonna take the whole
******* thing
Before it takes
Me.

i really thought it was love
"i love you...i just can't let people treat me this way baby..."
...i thought i had courage...
she howled
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEE, I'LL **** MYSELF,I SWEAR,PLEEEEASE!"
we murdered love
"i love you, but..**** baby...you treat me like ****...i have to leave"
i had nowhere to go
i just wanted someone to think i had courage
we hit the gin hard that day, that was our drink
she liked it with ice,lime,tonic
i took it hot and straight
man...she blocked the doorway again
she grabbed the kitchen knife
i really thought it was love
she was on the wall,carpet,all over the door
now we really could see our love
it stained
a meaty hunk of it hung from her arm
love looks like
jelly

It was a pleasure to see you again
Bulldog jawed with that wide fat ***
I wanted to tell you that I used to
Fantasize about you
Your dark flowers covering
My chest
As I feasted like a black bee
Like a disgusting butterfly
On you hair
I feasted again at the party
Last night
There is something about you
Some kind of dumb innocence
Shining from unraped eyes
That I wish I could return
To my heart
And we talked again and I really tried
To pretend to care
And I saw you frown at me when
They said "Better take it easy on the
Beers Ray..."
"****, I'm fine, this us only the 7th...
Or 8th..."
"Wait til he gets 2 more in him,
******* crazy!!!"
"Really?" You asked
You looked down at the empty green
Glass and
I looked as well
I saw all the light in the room cram
Itself into those bottles
Then I scoughed
And decided the party was getting
Dull
I had to hijack it
Somebody said
"Ray, tell the story about when you
And your ex were at the hotel for your anniversary"
"Well...****. She said 'ooooh baby, your **** is so big!' and I said 'yeah, biggest you ever had baby?' And she said 'well...no....the biggest I ever had was like 12 inches.'
And I was sore as hell about it
So we started arguing and she started crying and I just sat there drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi all night."
And everybody at the party laughed
And you couldn't believe I would say
Something like that
Then you asked "Ray, what size shoe
Are you?"
"11"
"False advertisement" you said.
Then I started screaming
"Hey! It's A DECENT SIZE, ILL PULL MY **** OUT RIGHT NOW, I DONT GIVE A ****"
And I stood up and unbuttoned my jeans
And some laughed
and the party hosts looked concerned
And I saw a scared fascinated and
Disgusted look in your eyes
"LETS GO TO THE BATHROOM, ILL SHOW YOU, NOBODYS EVER COMPLAINED ABOUT IT"
And I rambled on and on
And cleared the whole room again
Anyways,
It was a pleasure to see you again.

Sickening streaks of
Suicidal moon.
Dancing wildly
With a short fat woman
To the howls of
Old crying mexicans.
I stared into the mirror
I liked it.
For once
It made sense.
Maybe it was just
The death digesting
The poison in my head.
I locked myself in the room
"You'll be alright you'll be alright"
Awake for 24 hours
"youllbealrightyoullbealrightyoullbealright"
Then I slept.
In the morning it was gone
And so was another piece of
Bodymindspirit
But hell...
You should try everything
At least once...
????

Fresh rain and the
Dead leaves rotting in the gutter
All the springs the earth has seen
We're wasted by the bitter cold
You were just a passing breeze on a
90 degree evening
Or a fever in December.
You cold bitter *****
I am just like you now
So why can't we make this
Work?

It's called the Hotel Cabrillo
Rent's $550 a month
The stairs are dead
And the brick is sobbing
In 100 years of blood and spit
The tenants are much the same
Except maybe a few years younger
I saw her at the door today
She was my age
Her eyes were bold
Dark
I was covered in sweat from work
She opened the building door for me
The way she looked up at me
Like I was it
Something to see
I haven't seen that look in years...
It murdered the last five years...
The bad ones...
For a moment...
I said "thanks"
She smiled, said "no problem"
But it was

I said "I love you too."
And she smiled and stared through
Dirt clutching eyes
Silence. Like a flesh eating black bear
Slipped in between us in the
Crumb filled sheets
"What are you thinking about?"
She asks
Why did they always ask that?
They want you to say something
Dramatic. Meaningful.
I want to leave you and sever the heads of 1000 roses from their stems
Call the moon a *******
And finally, jump from a massive
Steel bridge
"I dont know..." i say
"Are you ok babe?"
"...yea..." i say
"Whats wrong tell meeee....
What are you thinking about?"
Oh...****... And how could i say that
I was daydreaming about a
Full grown black fighting bull
Escaped from the bull rings of spain
Bloodied and running
As fast as it could in moonlight
Through wild spanish flowers
Through the rain
Through deep gulps of freedom fresh
Mist
Crying laughing dying
Only wanting to keel over and die
Tongue out and alone
In a patch of bright
Non exotic flowers....

Ma has a new
Saying
When I drive down to visit.
I sit in her kitchen
And she says
"I didn't know what I was doing. I just wish
That I had been
a better mother."
I wonder if it
Is my face
Or what I came to be
That makes her
Think about that.
"Well...its tough out there, you did your best ma..."
She forces a smile
Then looks down at the tile.
I drive back home
Doing 65 in a 35 zone
Blasting Hank Williams
While all my fellow
Mexicans
Frown at me
From their
Car windows.
I walk into
RM. 101
Crack open a pint
Inhale
Stare down at the tile
Sigh.
Someday
I'll be
Somethin
Ma.

She stormed into the break room
The hottest piece of *** at the job
She was crying into her phone
"Why you gotta be like this?!...
Your so ****** up!...
But I love you!...
Oh my gawd, why?!"
She buried her wet swollen eyes
Into her hands
Then sobbed uncontrollably
I could here the guy on the phone
He was crying harder than she was
He could hardly speak
I pretended not to notice
Took a bite out of my granny smith
Put my feet up on a chair
And thought
This is the best kind of apple
My favorite apple
And it was real sour
Just the way I like it
I was happy

**** caked eyes scraped open
New, tasting fresh breeze of
Some amateur mahayana meditation
I scan the room
There is a painting of a moon with
A clock's face
And a wounded bull of spain
Running through a prairie
Running home
The oil paint bursts in brilliant
Cold blues
I think,
What is this?
What is this?
Then there is a cockroach running
Wildly
Across the linoleum
I smash its head like
Bluebird egg
It's legs are kicking and it
Rotates in a small circle
Around a mess of eyes, mouth,
Antennae
The suffering in this world is
Tremendous
I finish it off
And feel instant disgust
In myself
And all of you.

I was 15 when I found
My mom's self help book
It was lying on a pile of
Clothes and trash
That's what seemed to cover
The entire floor
Of our 1 1/2 bedroom apartment
The 1/2 wasn't much more than
A glorified closet
And there was 6 of us stuffed in there
And 7 cats
I thumbed through
moms self help book
And laughed at the inspirational
*******
But then I found a survey in the back
"Do you feel your life is worth living?"
"Are you happy with your current position in life?"
"Do you feel loved and appreciated
By your family?"
"Does your family provide a sense of comfort and fulfillment?"
Etc.
The boxes were all checked no
Straight down
I felt a little more
Empty
After reading each question
Then I started to cry
I realized there really was
No happiness here
There was no one to turn to
I had hid a few beers
Down in the garage
I paid some *** to buy for me
I was always so afraid of my mom
Finding out
But after seeing the book
I brought them upstairs
And I sat on the couch drunk
When she walked in
She looked at me then down
At the empties
Then into my soggy eyes
she walked into
the 1/2 bedroom
She didn't say anything
And I felt I had said
Enough

Drink a beer
The 6th one
Square up
And stare in the mirror
Watch your chest
Rise and fall
Remember
The blood
The pain
Scars
And all those times
You weren't afraid
It still stands
Look into its eyes
Don't forget that stare
When your sobered up
In the morning
Remember
That you are one tough
*******

The wind picked up
blowin' like a
*******
pulling up
dirt, soot, debris
waste
from behind, now, and all to come
i woke up slow
it was caked all over my chest
it formed a small mountain
it was hard to sit up
and it keeps getting
heavier

The last drops of gasoline
Blowing away in the wind
My love sat there sweet
Then spoiled
And some may say it was cruel
And some may say it was never there
But if that were true
I wouldn't feel it was
Going to waste now
The ex girlfriends always said
"Your the funniest guy I ever met."
And
"Your so negative. You hate everything."
My love lives somewhere
Between there
A lone cactus
In an empty homicidal desert
One will give up wandering miserably
Then stumble upon me
******* past needles for
Life

I woke up.
I could feel
The world spin beneath me.
It was nauseating.
I put on the coffee
And read
"Nothing is true,everything is
Permitted."
-Sabbah
I took a gulp of black
And thought about
"Every existing thing is born without
reason,prolongs itself out of weakness,and dies by chance."
-Sartre.
I took a big gulp of black
Shaved the 2 month old beard
Then stood in the mirror.
A brand new animal.

One night we
Got wasted
On Citadel Gin
And she decided
To squat
And ****
In the
Cat litter box.
I yelled
"What's your problem?
Your *******
Drunk man!"
She laughed.
Christ...
Give me
Something like that
Again.

Waking up
Covered by the dark
Rolling over
Watching the sky
Through the only window
In a ****** apartment
The sun started to rise
Right at 6 AM
Cold blue cracking black
As if it were on a schedule
Following somebody's rules
Like all the sad
Sad people
I thought
"That's not right,
That's real ****** up!"
I wished the sun would
Change it's mind
Lie back down
And not be seen
Or heard from
For 3 days
Then I crawled out of bed
And started to get ready for
Work

She was a hideous
Animal
With a long snout
And sharp stained teeth
She crept quickly
In the darkness
Hissing at passerbys
Dragging her rat tail
Through filthy streets
She crossed right in front of me
Turned and hissed
I liked her
We had a lot in common

The mother feels
Accomplished.
Finished.
By the the birth of the child.
Then the rest of the life
Weighs down on him.
I have seen it.
I have felt it.
And on her death bed
At least he will
Be there.
And that idea will be passed
Through generations.
But I do not like children.
I do not like putting others
Under pressure.
So who will hold my hand
When my time comes?
I carry
All the love
In the world
With nowhere
To place it.

Where are the lilacs inhaling salty
Sea breeze?
Where are moon miracles shining
Bright on salvation trails?
There are no wise rivers here
There are no stagnant trees escaping
The horrors
Where is love?
Where is god?
When I shut my eyes
I watch a brilliant blue-green
Hummingbird
Flap vigorously
Then suddenly stop
Dying in mid air
Falling onto your filthy pavement
Where is love?
There is no god.

Up until last night
I would have dreams where
I'd throw a punch at someone
But it hung heavy in the air
As if I was swinging underwater
Pushing slowly through time
And it would connect softly
Only nudging the victim
I never understood what that meant
But last night was different...
First off
I fell asleep sober for a change
My air mattress has a hole in it
So every two hours I'd wake on the floor in the dark
I had a few dreams
One of which I was approached
By some stranger
And I was real cool with him
The way I am with people
But this guy was creepy
Something about his smile
His walk
His eyes
He walked toward me real slow
With this smile...
I could feel the slow punches coming
But instead I outstretched my arms
And strangled the ******* with my bare hands
I could feel the fingers
Really dig into the throat
It felt good
Better than the slow punches
I strangled him
until blood dripped
Out of his mouth
Until the breath was gone
Until he was dead
I wasn't scared the whole time
I drug him back to a house
And leaned the corpse against a wall
Two woman walked out of a room
And screamed
I jumped in my truck
And hit the gas hard
I wasn't even scared...
I woke up on the hard tile again
In the dark
I got up and
threw a few punches
In the mirror
They cracked in the air
like a bull whip
I felt good

There are those days
When I don't want to
Open the shades
Fall out of bed
Feel the sun
Be human
Those days often begin
Staring into that ******* mirror
It is not pleasant
It is not kind
It is not me in there
It is real, though
It is the only other person
In this room
On those days
After staring
And loathing
The conclusion is often
"Waaaa! Ray's sad! Get over it
You ****** *****."
That usually
Does the trick
I brush my teeth
I lace up my boots
And do it
All over again

I couldn't take it.
Watching people shoveling
****
Into their mouths
While staring at
TV commercials.
Some just sat and
Stared
For a whole 45 minutes
Slouched in a chair
Mouth opened slightly
One hand clutching the opposite arm
Looking down at
the phone occasionally
Like there was something happening.
I couldn't do it
So I started bringing my books
To work.
I wasn't trying to be
Some intellectual
****, I definitely don't look
Or talk like one.
Then it began.
First with the short Mexican girl
"Whatchu reading?"
"Nausea"
"Oh...I wish I could read, buuut...I don't know.. , I get bored, even if its inchressing, ya know?"
"You just have to find the right author."
"Oh...I don't know...my eyes juss get all blurred after I read a long time..."
"Hmm..."
Then the old lady
"Hey! I always see you reading, you must be a bookworm like me! What are ya reading!?"
"Journey To The End Of The Night"
Oh, never heard of it, who's the author?!"
"This french guy. Celine."
"Oh? Ever read Game Of Thrones? I'm reading the series now!"
"No."
The college graduate girl:
"Are you reading Bukowski??"
"Yeah, you a fan?"
"NO!!! He makes me wanna curl up in bed and DIE!"
"Oh..."
And some dude asked about
Anne Rice
" I don't read that ****."
"What about Poe?"
"He's ok, I guess..."
Somebody asked about
Catcher in the Rye
To **** a mockingbird
And I wanted to slap her.
A manager walked in
The **** one
"Ray your always reading. It's cool.
You seem so ...cultured."
I thought about being
Drunk
Shirtless
Screaming
And throwing chairs
The night before
I laughed
"Cultured? I don't know about that..."
When you see
Somebody
Transfixed
By the power of the word
The page
The line
You
Just leave them
The hell alone.

Reading Kafka tonight
Turning the page then being
Startled
By a dead flower falling
from the middle of the book
I remembered her face
And her soft high voice
I felt it crawl up my backbone again
"Read Kafka, please? Just read it for me, he's really great."
"I might try..."
We were so bad for each other
Brought together
By the pain of our pasts
But she taught me how beautiful the
World could be
Flowers, animals,scents,escaping
She taught me that the whole thing
Is trivial,useless,a bad joke
You could pick up and leave
Whenever you want
And in the end she did
I was real hurt, but now
I am proud of her
I found an anarchist, unemployed, ***** haired beauty
And turned her into a bitter, screaming, money obsessed nurse
It wasn't right
I brushed the dead flower from
The bed
Hoped she had made it
To the cacti and the cold sand
Took a warm sip of whiskey
And got back to Kafka
She was right again
He is great

I am sitting on the bed
Alone
In San Pedro
In my small studio apartment
Reading Sherwood Anderson
Opening the third beer
I started thinking about the hell
The last year brought
The loneliness
Agony
Then I started to laugh
It was so god awful
I had to laugh
Yes, im still here
******* at a beer
Waiting for greater agonies
I looked over at the stack of books
That kept me alive this year
I thought
You idiot
This was one of the most
Important years of your life
I often daydream
Of being a 250 lb
World Champion Heavyweight
Boxer

I parked the car in downtown
San Pedro
I stood in the rain outside the
Cabrillo Hotel
The people looked awful
Battered
There was a homeless punk woman
With face tattoos
Staring at me from her dry corner
A 50 year old woman spilled from the bar to the street
She reeked of wine
"*******! Some ******* dropped me off here and left! Can you give me a ride? That *******! My husband's a doctor ******! My son goes to UCLA! Can you give me a ride?"
She reeked of ****
A small ***** old man sat on the bar
Steps
Smoking Buglers
He shook his head at me
"Don't do it son, she's outta her mind."
The landlord finally came down
Showed me Rm. 101
It was a 30x25 space
With a mini fridge, closet, the mirror
A sink to **** in
The landlord said "You can see the downtown from the window."
I looked out
A trash can in an alley.
I just kept thinking about
Fante's Ask the Dust,Dreams from Bunker Hill
Bukowski's poem How to be a Great Writer
I hoped they were right
"I'll take it."
The first night the couple next door
Had a fist fight
And a fat cockroach crawled up my back in bed
The drunks ran up and down the halls at 3AM
I was not happy
But Rm 101 toughened me up
Very well
It became my oasis in hell
I have everything I need
Coffee maker, air mattress, radio
Beers in the fridge, big stack of books, most importantly
A place to get away
From the madness of the people
And when I finally get out of this
*******
I think I might miss it

I was in the sixth grade
And I had a best friend
We walked beneath a stalking
Grey sky
To the local pet store
We found goldfish
Under a sign that read
"5 FOR $1.00"
There were about 100 of them
Frenzied in a small tank
Eating each other's ****
And screaming underwater
I said "Lets buy 5 and set them free
In the puddles of the rain"
We bought the fish
Found a jack in the box
Bought some breakfast biscuits
Then went out back
We emptied the fish
Into a rainbow tinted oil puddle
I started to feel the hands of Christ
Twisting at my intestines
Then James started smashing the fish
With his busted up sneakers
He was smiling
And eating his breakfast biscuit
I wanted to stop him
But his mom had died of an overdose
And his father ended up
with her sister
It all seemed
Justifiable
And that's when I realized
How rotten the world really was
And the rain just kept pouring down