Memories      

Memories, I have a few. I like it that way because it’s better not to think, or to feel, and most definitely not to imagine. I don’t think it was planned, and I pray it was never intended.
I prefer to think it was just bad timing,circumstances, and a twisted, mixed up, wrongly fused connection. Which burned out.

I knew it wouldn’t last, deep within my soul. I had my doubts all along. Yet, I ignored them and buried them, hoping so badly that our wires would tangle and knot, become one,and withstand the heat. Though, it was not meant to be.

You may have loved me in the beginning;but you didn’t stay to see the tears so **** hot they left scars down my cheeks. I remember the deafening sound your absence left.
The chaos, the clutter, and the betrayal. Those were the wounds left from the memories of days gone by.

You rejected me so I rejected myself. You were the drug that filled my veins,the obsession that filled voids. Spaces created from your absence left me shattered and discarded for all to view. I frantically grasped at shards, bleeding and in pain, but I held on. I knew that when I let you go I would sink into myself.

I remained that way, submerged until I couldn’t breathe,and then I had to. I broke open and the pain of the light scorched my bruised and aching soul. I tried to stich myself together, but, the loose threads faltered. I erupted, and exploded. The erosion left me weakened and raw.

I lay in the sun, and I allowed the wind and the storms to pass. I weathered all they gave.
After the storms, I opened my eyes. I found that your love had ruined us, but it hadn’t ruined me. I discovered that I was glistening, glittering, and glowing.

My insides, though burnt and fractured from the impact of you crushing my spirit, had crystallized.
You took away your love but what you’ll never find out is, you left behind a diamond.

Randy McPeek

I LOVED YOU
                                           
I loved the way I felt with you, I loved it when you called.
I loved it when we talk for hours, like time didn’t matter at all.
I loved it when you said to me, one day, I’d have your name.
I loved the way my heart swelled with pride, believing we felt the same.
I loved it when you called me “babe”, our hearts were intertwined.
I loved feeling like our souls touched; that we were of one body, one mind.

I loved it when, finally, I could think of you and not cry.
I loved the way you looked at me, when we had our last kiss goodbye.
But most of all, I loved the way you loved me, when we were new.
Because I knew the love was real, not surface, or pretend, a ruse.
I love knowing that, I’ll never love as deep, because of you.
I freely gave my heart and soul,not knowing what you’d do.
The hurt and pain will fade, but,I forever I’ll be scarred.
I will love again someday,but that is what’s most hard.
I’ll have to start by loving me,the one I think of least.
And in the process of my healing, I may finally find some peace.

Randy McPeek

Some of lifes greatest lessons I've learned, are ones that have hurt me the most.
How I could have been so naive,I’ve asked, and why didn't I know better foremost?.
Why did I not listen, when friends said to me, it was better I did not believe?.
Lessons taught,and learned on my own to this day are the lessons I grieve.

I let people inside my life,and to them, I gave up my unearned trust.
My willingness to give away something so sacred,left me completely nonplussed.
I did not understand,nor could I fathom, how people could be so cold.
It’s as if they looked at my trust to be garbage, not a gift for them to behold.

The lessons each one of these people taught me,were nothing like I’d ever known.
Yet through these life lessons, born out of pain, I know now I have grown.
As these people have come and gone in my life,I’ve learned to somehow move on.
The ugliness in them,transposing on me to become a beautiful swan.

Life lesson are precious,I’ve kept them inside of my soul,so I’ll not have to learn them again.
They are pieces of gold ,more valued by me, than the people who have taught them.
Looking back at the lessons, and those who have taught I really am grateful, you see.
They must have wanted the goodness inside of my soul,and from those people,I am finally free.

Randy McPeek

I bring you love and tenderness,
but,you say that I'm just like the rest.
My words you twist and second guess
My motives judge, my patience test.
'Til I'm unglued and bent with pain
and wonder if I'll go insane.

All this time I've loved you so,
and vats of tears now overflow.
Say white is black and black is white
Your vision's skewed and wrong seems right.
Your mirror's far too dark to see
that you're the one rejecting me.

I'd give my last breath, your life to save
Still you'd find fault with what I gave.
I need someone whose love is true,
I can't keep trying to rescue you.
Bare wastelands now where blossoms grew
I've nothing left -go start anew.

So spread your wings-be glad you're free
Be all the things you've longed to be.
I won't be there to weigh you down
Or keep your two feet on the ground.
And if you win,or if you lose,
I can't be blamed for loving you.

Randy Mcpeek

Never Again



Inside it feels like I’m dying, my fragile heart is once again hurting.
I wish I could give it to someone who, of my love, is deserving.
I want to shake my fist at God because he gave me this trusting heart.
I think it was meant for someone who could handle a painful discard.
All I wanted was a soulmate. A man that I thought loved me too.
He did not want the love that I offered. I could sense when ,from me, he withdrew.
I turned a blind eye. I trusted again that this time was real.
Then I saw glimpses behind the mask, the inevitable Jekyll and Hyde reveal.
Why did this happen? Why didn’t God stop it? This lesson is too much for me.
There should be a love investment clause, a "Get your heart back" guarantee.
Instead I must cry and work through the pain. It makes me not want to trust.
I look at the way I gave my heart, and I can't help shake my head in disgust.
If I had one wish that I could have granted it would be to have never met him.
I should have not given my heart at all because it seems like, in love, I can’t win.

Randy McPeek