If only I could decide
do I take a leap of faith
and lose my life for love
or do I keep it for comfort?
who do I really trust...
especially not me

Existential lag slowly tunes in and I'm "awake", aware, astounded that I'm laying there while I look at me, because ******,  I should be dead again, and I'm not, and that's just the first thing I hate as I begin another cycle of light after another nightmarish craze... my body is heavy and sinking as it floats on top of my sheets, and I kick my covers off to avoid my own body heat because I hate myself that much... despising half-heartedly that I'm alive, with false memories of things that make me hate others as well, ever accumulating within my minds eye.. what's the ******* point of waking to a battle with my fate? I'll lose in time, even though it doesn't exist, so why persist? My resistence is futile, so I crawl out of my comfortable bed with guilt that I have a comfortable bed, and trudge my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth because I don't want anyone smelling the alcohol still residing within me, and I stare at the shower once more, know it will feel glorious, yet undeserved.. so I procrastinate, I withhold from me, everything except my insane need, and I drift further down my own rabbit hole to find out that it wasn't a rabbit at all, but a horrific beast holding ***** in front of me to coax me, and now I'm trapped again in the loop of uncertainty, is this the day I fall apart? Is this the day I no longer am functioning, and go on a binge where my soul disappears again into places unknown that resemble hell, at least I think.. maybe that's just an assumption, because it feels that way, so as I continue on with another day, I fight this gorilla on my neck, trying to burrow into my lizard brain as a trojan horse coup d'é·tat of my heart.. and if I give in I will disappear again as my loved ones weep, so I keep my eyes open in hopes this time I will win, though I doubt it... the cycle just repeats.

I put my hand on your chest
and I hold it there
absorbing your love
and this thought tracks into my mind
that because you're not mine
that maybe I am not okay at all
just then
a thought, or maybe a lack thereof
hits me and I think
as I begin to cry
that maybe I am exactly okay
as okay as I should be
given the circumstances of this world
the latest in the path of my old soul
maybe I am better than okay
and I should be crying, because
all these innocent people dying everywhere
I'm trying to make a difference
on the circumference of this sphere
I'm trying to love others despite this fear
but what I'm thinking now
is that I need to love others
because of this fear
something we share

What about me?

The calendar says December 31st. The eve of a new reverie, the beginning and the end of the next and last dream we perceive through our eyes which are the windows to the galaxies and the universe and the black hole pupil at the center pulling everything which is nothing into nothingness and making it real and alive and transcending who we think we are into everything we thought to be, manifesting the love we share as human beings when we allow these vessels to do their thing and experience the oneness that we so desperately need to achieve, so even if there are numbers on a page that make you say that this year I will find my way, rejoice, because you already have today and not tomorrow, because the past and that day do not exist but only on a page

Love is now illegal.

No longer may you empathize with the broken.

You must never talk to strangers.

No more spontaneous hugs.

No more finding common ground.

Divisiveness is a requirement.

Joy is no longer to be found.

Tomorrow's docket? Argue over nothing.

Hate your neighbor because they're different.

Politics is all that matters now.

Do you hear that silence?

It's a deafening sound.

Judge everyone from a pale horse.

Religion brings a sword to strike them down.

Nothing left is meaningful.

Don't hold that door for that woman.

That's ****** harassment now.

Don't use that bathroom.

Handicap is a gender now.

You may not own a gun.

If you do you'll **** children.

And become the talk of the town.

What have we become?

What happened to fearing fear itself?

I'm tired of chain-smoking.

I'm tired of the now.

It's not about amendment rights.

It's not about trump cards.

It's not about those clowns.

It's about each other.

It's about being understood.

When we become empathy..

There's no room for any blood.

In Love be lost and found.

Will i ever get to go Home
to the Love where I come from
that is placed among the stars
a memory of my heart
above all hate and fear
the one created with my tears?

Say what I say and mean what I mean this stream of consciousness thing is quite a release and I know it's not a diary but it's fun to let others spy on me even if only one or two or three will ever see what I'm writing it's still exciting to be open and share because I was closed off from people for the majority of my life and it had to do with self-esteem but now that I don't care what others may think this whole experience is quite liberating so let me become even more  openly free and dare to share something that has been bothering me and that is the fact that so many asshats have mocked and teased and called me gay or alluded to it by what they say and it's been happening my whole life and even in this rehab stay the homophobia is in play and yes I'm effeminate in so many ways but here's the real secret, oh my gosh, I'm not gay! but part of me wants to just pretend that I am to make it uncomfortable but it wouldn't be fair of me because I'm comfortable in my sexuality and that would be retaliatory and just as inflammatory but beyond all of that I really don't get it why people are so upset about how others do hit it can't we just live and let live why do we label each other by whatever preference that we discover to help us feel closer to love because isn't that what human beings are wired  to do so come on I implore you all who are stuck in your hatred to tell a coworker about who you thought of the last time you masturbated and then I'll ask you again if it's any of your business

When I seek to find true love...
I always end up finding drugs

The clock it is ticking
what are you missing?
do you say 'I love you'?
do you say it with truth?

The last breath is near
what are your fears?
do you make your amends?
do you forgive or pretend?

The moments are fleeting
what are you repeating?
do you resent your life?
do you live it with strife?

The clock it is ticking
what are you missing?
remember love is a choice
and that you have a voice

The Greeks were, three thousand years ago,
just as advanced as we are now, you know...
why so little progression?
why so much aggression?
It must be the fear and laziness, universal...

I just want a chick who is as ***** as me, but also showers regularly

my body tingles after sipping down that first long pull
my lips dripping with the sweet fire of my greatest desire
the wave of relief washes over my entire being
I shudder because the world is finally right again
I have spent 15 long years battling these demons
I was never really expecting to win
and now I'm just so ****** tired
that I've decided to finally give in

Dear Randy,

     What the ****? Why do you consistently continue to **** your life up over and over again!? Why do you choose to talk to all these crazy broken women, knowing it will always end badly? Do you really hate yourself that ******* much? Or because you're crazy too?
     Is it the loneliness or the worthlessness? The boardroom or the cabin fever? Your mom's overdose or childhood horrors?  Or is it the simple fact that you just LIKE to get ****** up? And since the world is ****** up too, you use that as an excuse to USE... citing that it's all just too much for you...

Because you are a little *****!
    
     You have no excuse for the drinking,. You started young, you liked it, and never wanted to stop. So you just didn't. And now, 15 years of hell later, your mind is losing itself, turning whatever pseudo-intelligent person you used to be into a mush-brained-narcissistic-soapbox-ranting and complaining *******.
     Oh and let's not forget! Your lies... Creating stories at times that are fairly large lies that affect you and other people, just for the rush of using your mind pulling all that off, to get that person to believe you. And you maintain the lie. Often times these lies are to garner sympathy of some sort. Still, others are self depreciating, which is strange. ******* ******. Attention *****. Self-seeking self loathing self-centered self-destructive stupid selfish *******!
     You need to somehow find your big boy boots so you can finally climb out of that little fantasy world you have been sheltering yourself from the storm with. And then you can see that everyone is in the same ******* storm. Grow up, grow a pair, and start doing your ******* job and help people,  ****.

Sincerely ******* always,
Yourself

I've got to go before I go crazy
so peace out, I've got a ride
otherwise I'll just sit here
waiting on the next lover
she'll be the one this time
a close friend once told me
three women ago
so here I go riding that greyhound
time to get outta this *****
I've always liked southern accents
Cya later Michigan

Let it pour out to drink up the love
Feel the insecurities as they bleed
Its time again to relapse in sin
Its time again to meet my best friend
Calculate how much hate i need
Bubbling, fizzing, alcoholic greed
Oh no, no no
Its time again
To get it in
before the shakes begin
Its time to sip it slow
so the world tastes sweeter
Its time to sip it fast
Cuz the world hates leechers
Metallic taste of ***** in haste
Cheap to do the job
Im trying and crying
And hiding from God
Run, run, run!
Are we having fun yet?
Beg Him for change
Not for coins but of pace
**** it lets just face the reality
We will never change
The cravings will never go away
Even taking it along with each day
Even when we pray pray pray
Leta just drink another fifth, okay?

there is a forever storm raging
with deadly lightning
and strong winds of change
and yes, it scares me
never leaving me the same
sometimes I dance in the excitement
I revel in the insane
time has a way of making me forget
those days when I don't get
to see you...
the touch of your skin becomes dim
until I feel you again
it's then I remember...
like an ocean it falls on me
your breath in my ear
your heartbeat
your laughter
your release of fear...
my body pressed up against yours
my fears washed up on some unknown shore
my insecurities rivaling yours
my faith surviving with ours
like a light in the darkness you wake me up
as I jostle you too
I can never ever get enough
of you..
all these rhymes are easy
and I want you to see
that no matter what goes wrong
you will always have me
I'll never go anywhere without you
even if the world somehow sets me free
I'll carry you with me
physically and emotionally
you will never leave my essence
you will always leave me *****, but...
you will never leave me incomplete.

hammering on these keys
hoping that they do bleed
out of a deep dark need
to cause pain I can see
so I know that they know
how it feels to be me

the low loud murmur of a filling theater,
up to its capacity,
though not an audience to watch a play,
just actors of reality,
they all wear masks to hide their intentions,
their true identity.

a never ceasing suggestive satire,
forcing reverie,
an ever present wanting whispering,
my head's insanity,
this crowd of voices inside my mind,
are all just imitating me.

I've felt your knife,
full tilt up til it's hilt.
It splits my heart in two,
yet each piece belongs to you
So please just go ahead,
pretend to be my friend.
I always will still love you,
and that is the awful truth,
which has no bitter end.

How could I forget? This is what I've always known in the depths of my heart to be what love is, truly. Finally, I can tell someone that they are beautiful, and they know and understand that I mean exactly what I say.. without any end game or attempt to persuade them one way or another in my favor, like prey... Though I do pray, and there is this belief inside of me when I talk about twin flames or soul mates, and my feeling is that we all have the gift of a match in this life, someone who understands our pain, and will connect on life experiences, looking past any attempt at gain, setting aside differences with love and understanding. So when I say I know you love me, and I won't forget.. what I'm really saying is.. the same.

In the realm of spiritual synchronicity,
we all have this fantastical ability,
to get what we desire,
in the burning inside fire,
awake along the path of our true destiny.

Cigarette after cigarette I smoke
Is it time to go home yet?
There are people everywhere in pain
Mis-using semicolons like *******
These cuts are on my legs for a reason
And it isn't grammatically correct
Can't I just be?
I want to set fire to my house
or to my soul
Whatever comes first
Maybe my feet can connect with the grass
Something living that doesn't define me
Who am I anyway?
I am a pine needle
That is what I am today
Refresh my memory
Am I a *****?
There's never anything good on TV
I should watch the news
To justify my cuts
I guess I'll go shopping
To justify my cuts
Tomorrow never comes
I just want to enjoy today

when I look deep down the well of my inner being,
there's a blinding darkness I can barely see,
yet a light that's quite as faint as it could be...
a wild looking child, who looks an awful lot like me,
the eyes are which illuminate, from a tearful shimmery,
trapped inside a prison...
my fears the lock and key.

I think I may be dead,
or dreaming..
there's nothing new,
nothing different..
always trying to forget the feeling
of remembering why I left before
unable to rise from slumber
lack of love it keeps me under
leaving me forever wanting more

I love you...
so I've got to let you go
we both know it's the only way
to stay sober
hoping to control the monsters inside
shadows clinging to our souls

Ah, light! Beautifully strewn across the landscape of my soul's heart. My desire for freedom illuminating the sphere of my little big world bubble, casting shadows of fear away to where they belong in their spiral, circling the drain of no hope, clogging my madness and need to run from the precocious empty, which used to damage me so... I feel free today! Where did I used to go? They are gone from the circular despair and return in desperation, as such that cycle goes... clinging and growing inside my joy, as ego... but no more foes like lightning electrifying the compass of my one true soul. Flames we are, catching fire to the moth, assimilating within its flow, though we are like the butterfly, not the moth, transformed in representation of pillars made of salt... we are those pillars, the salt of the earth, guarding freedom, in hope... do we taste just so? Or shall we baptize in waters that float... why even worry? We cannot add to our canvass we create on to and fro, quo vadimus... where are we going? I now can and may answer that we are headed home, though not on our own, but through loving others as ourselves, all those with hearts of stone... Thus we shall say, 'Let there be Light! Or so the story goes...

And if we are God, shall we pass judgement? And if we are, then we are merely judging ourself.
And if we decide to create love, not torment, then and only then shall we step out of our hell.

Welcome to 1984.

Love is now illegal.

No longer may you empathize with the broken.

You must never talk to strangers.

Don't even think about it anymore.

Its against the law to find common ground.

Divisiveness is a requirement.

Joy is an immediate danger.

What's on the dockett for society today?

Argue over nothing.

Hate your neighbor because they're different.

Don't you dare put that phone down.

Politics is all that matters now.

Do you hear the silence?

It's a beautifully deafening sound.

There's a scoreboard of likes to be had!

Judge everyone from a pale horse.

Religion and a sword to strike them down.

Don't hold that door for that woman.

That's ****** harassment in am evening gown.

Don't use that bathroom!

Handicap is a gender now.

Give us all your guns!

If you dont we just kmow you'll **** children.

And become the talk of the town.

What have we become?

I'm tired of chain-smoking.

I'm tired of the now.

It's not about amendment rights.

It's not about Trump cards.

It's not about those clowns.

It's about each other.

It's about being understood.

When we emit empathy..

There's no room for any blood.

In Love be lost and found

The sweetness of the love I see
causes me tears out of sorrow
from rarely having felt it
yet having felt it enough
to know what I am missing

Look about you... Her kingdom is there.  She loves, she cries, she despises when I lie..  so to drink, it fills her eyes..

Please Lord, when I am weak, will You be strong? Be the One Who can contain the fire among us, along the paths we traverse on?

reality is like Mario Kart
dropping endless bananas on my heart
and time has gone too far
with all its technology
that claims to be smart
full of knowledge you can see
yet it goes dark for love
so I depart
I've had enough

Something to hope for,
following the stars above,
praying for guidance,
waiting for love...
never losing faith,
in God I trust,
expanding spirituality,
to try is simply enough.

The thugs in my mind
that make me want to
do drugs til I'm blind
spiritually are so strong
I crave relief
even with my faith
my unshakable belief in
God this addiction just waits
doing pushups outside this place
this rehab stay number unknown
I just want to go home
because being sober
will never be the case

Why does my mind always work its way toward suicide?

I'm trying, I'm trying...

I'm trying to figure out me,
who I am in sobriety,
and every time I think I'm there,
I peel back another layer,
and again it isn't me...

So...

give me drugs,
I try to be spiritual,
give me a rope,
I try to find God...
give me *****,
I try to be selfless,
give me a smoke,
I try to reach out,
give me a razor,
I try to move on...
give me pills,
I try to heal inside,
give me a needle,
I try to feel inside...
give me thrills!
I try and I fail...

I want to give up,
I want to give in,
and one way or another,
I want to just sin..

the cup isn't half full,
the cup isn't half empty...

the cup is where I'm drowning...

I'm dancing. I'm drowning. I hate myself, please leave me. No, don't go, I love you. I need you, I'm nothing without you,  please stay! Who the **** am I anyways? I never knew me. Eulogy my insanity, nothing else is me.  There's nothing in my name, I am not words, I am not okay. Leave me BE! I'm so lonely... my paradoxical heart is beating me to death and I can't breathe, not even rapturously, I'm burning alive from the inside out.  As if that feeling ever even existed, it's nothingness and pain, just like I am, constantly playing some pseudo game of cat and mouse with my mind,  except I'm never the cat until I snap and eat Cinderellas friends. I'm tired and hyper, will you please just stay and go away? I'm sick of pleading with and of you to the point where I never even loved you because I don't even know what that word or all these others mean, nothing is as it seems... I'm floating outside myself, nothing next to nothing is still nothing, full of rage. I can't do this anymore, off with my head. How can you make nothingness dead? I'm empty and nothing so how can nothing be empty, I can't contain my pain... ahhh I'm screaming someone please don't help, you can't anyways, so just play hide and go **** yourself or me, I don't even know... I so badly want to feel something, anything, can't I cut me? No, they all get mad and send me away... who the hell is talking? Is this even me? This is and isn't me. Oh ****, I AM ******. I've gotta go away.

This feeling is so fleeting, and I must jot it now, else time will skew and fade the moment into a memory, the latter lesser than the original, and when we compare and contrast contentment and complacency it becomes clear the difference here is love and fear, first learning how to love inside of being authentic and kind, striding towards infinite growth in tune with one’s spiritual design…

… the latter, of course, lesser than the original.

this is a true story to paint
who my ego is by telling you
how I got hit in the nuts
with a basketball thrown
by a smoking hot 22yr old
during 'recess' at a drug rehab...
-twice-
so what did I do?
I dated her when we got out
because I'm not smarter than I look
and I proceeded to take
kicks to my nuts
for three straight months
and then I got dumped
so the moral or the story is;
protect your nuts

too many thoughts
on this crowded elevator,
in my brain that is chained,
shackled by prior misery,
haunted by my adolescence,
cursed by the atrocities of my youth...

I'm vying for agony,
with fantasies of a noose,
a knot that slips the pain away...
for that pain must be cut loose,
before I cut lines on a mirror,
or lines on my arms,
to charm the legion of evil,
in their playground of my mind...

on the glass of my eyes,
they're always tapping...
tap..tap..tap...
letting me know they're still in there...
that they haven't gone anywhere...
no matter the pressure I apply,
with my spiritual cries to the divine,

they need to come out,
to eat a hearty meal...
so I try to conceal my zeal,
the lust to set them free...

but the more I resist them,
in this persistent reality,
the more they try harder,
to destroy me in my dreams...

to be understood on a deep emotional level
I feel is what keeps us  going through hell
failed attempts at love with each relationship
to define the meaning of that four letter word
some of us say it with ease without knowing what we mean
others of us ***** ourselves out to appease the void
that brings us to our knees those dark and lonely moments
begging for someone to please hold onto us
gently stroke our hair to show us that they truly care
through human connection
as only this creates a way to abate that hollow pain
we cannot be sustained with material gains
or made whole by being entertained
with Hollywood fame and video games
the problem lies in the deceit of our minds
telling ourselves like we won't measure up
in other people's eyes
or we aren't good enough to cry the tears
that heal the years in front of our peers
or let them hear the thoughts of fear
that fester near our hearts
so we slowly die inside before we even get to the end
of pretending we're alive
then at the physical death part of this three dimensional life
we'll wish we left the air behind us clear of hate and selfish fear
letting all of it go
helping each other grow through our miseries
not taking ourselves so seriously
as genuine human beings who are open and honest
vulnerable and loving
out of unconditional understanding

Here is a list of things I do not regret, despite shame’s hot breathing down my neck;

I don’t regret holding your hand, fingers intertwined and all

I don’t regret Traverse City, my favorite day of all

I don’t regret you on the beach in the twilight, not worried about the sand at all

I don’t regret our too long hugs, in public, your car, my porch, your office, or any place at all

I don’t regret our back rubs, even if the final score has you winning it all

I don’t regret telling you I love you, or you telling me first at all

I don’t regret the sneaky pictures, when you weren’t looking that i stole

I don’t regret the days I held you close, anxiety had its hold

I don’t regret being vulnerable, or sharing my secrets so bold

I don’t regret never kissing you, even if my dreams still tell me i do

I don’t regret falling in love with you..

I don’t regret it, no..

The only thing I do regret, is hurting you just so

This...
This is my temple...
This vessel...
This vessel that I wrestle with...
This sanctuary of dreams...
This vehicle of persistent reality...
What do I see?
Who is there reflecting me?
Could I reach inside the glass sands of time and grab my reflection... the one serving its purpose, dangling like a carrot of love...
But only on the surface...
DO I see?
Or am I blinded by time...
Not only blinded, but created!
Made to be manifest!
Drawn into a new world, where the past and future rule the slave class, where the only real moments scream out of blood curtling desperation from the awful beast inside my brain...
that beast which is me, shackled with things and desires, chained up by pleasure and lust and administering drugs that keep my soul in hospice...
I must awaken my reflection...
I must shatter my perception...
I must create myself!
For I am the god of this temple...
This vessel...
Created for me...

At times I make love to my confusion,
that paradoxical craze,
at other times it's as if I'm losing,
my mind throughout the haze

At times I could move mountains,
as prideful as the air,
at other times comes illusion,
where faith becomes a snare

When I hear the ticking silence,
a torment deep within.
then I fear I'm in defiance,
abhorrently in sin

Close your eyes I've got a surprise
a world without lies where your mind
no longer denies the tears you need to cry
for the pain as it's pried from your heart
and you can start to live and discard
all the blame releasing your shame
stop playing the game of guilt
just by making a decision
to stop with the hate of yourself
and rebuild within a love that transcends
the divisions of race and religion
with party lines erased
replaced by togetherness
and the commonality of death we share
as you begin to care again
not to save the world but humanity upon it
we're merely a blink in the eye of time under the sun
so if you accept yourself for who you are
then your life has finally begun

I never truly know
who I am or where I am going
but I can no longer deny
that my love within knowing
creates and vibrates
so overwhelmingly strong
when my energy is flowing
like a river
from my glowing heart
permeating my celestial soul

Deep breath... Lord, give me the words to say to help rid me of this anxiety, I pray and pray, and I hope that someday my mind will lose itself, so that I may begin to become legitimately crazy instead of wondering if I am, and maybe then my happiness will begin.. what I'm trying to say is that I wish that I'd become ignorant to grasp bliss, though there is part of me that needs to be informed, that needs to understand my own existence, yet it's troubling, the world seems to be crumbling and I wonder where God is in all of this? I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to simply explore.. this garden we've been given is gorgeous, but a parking lot we seem to give back, and it's blasphemous.. so I close my eyes and pray, and again there are no words to say to Him and I lose my grip, this mustard seed is shrinking into the abyss... and so I pray and pray, tomorrow is not promised, not even today, yet I worry for the future, that maybe I somehow can suture the wounds my brethren and myself have cut down into Her skin, but it just feels like a bandaid on a severed artery, so I cling now to artistry and write poems with no purpose, no real direction, no real topic, merely reflection.. and I hope that someday these words will make a difference to somebody, anyone, even just one and then this time I spent would be worth it, a sort of desperate attempt to repent.. read my words and know that there are tears behind them, that I'm dying and okay with that, that I'm trying and will slay this dragon of my addiction, whether it's today or not I highly doubt it, just know that my death will be my knight in shining armor, coming to save me from this veiled disorder, order out of chaos.. as above so below? I see your souls..

Drown me in the ground,
corrupt my love...

Burn me in the furnace,
sweep me up...

Eulogy my insanity,
I've had enough.

This is for the hopeless and weary
those teary eyed and
the drowning and fearing
in fury of the love disappearing
into an electric forest of flickering screens
hearing the silent screams of billions of souls
desperately crying to be free
and the agony that is their inability
to wake up from their nightmares
and into their dreams
yet still being stuck in their sleep
no matter how hard they weep
from their knees toward the sky
an intense help me plea to the divine;

'Please fill the void inside
the design of our broken hearts
and discard the part we played
in the ever repeating drama of a life
that's only hurt and betrayed.'

Freedom exists...
in forgiveness and togetherness
in acceptance and kindness
in tenderness and righteousness
in loving more
and hating less
focusing not on what divides us
but more on what is beautiful
in all of those we meet next
expecting to see the uniqueness
of each in progress canvass
that we call the human soul
while letting go of foolish pride
and holding on to joy and hope
so that the noise of the collective love
will awaken those still dead and cold