I wish I could feel something other than this sadness
I'm really sick of all this madness
the drama I create inside my mind
if only my sanity was something I could find
except for all these joyous ruses
I'm not convinced that all these bruises
will heal and I feel like running away from me
or starting a catastrophe
to hide in the numbness...
and I keep hearing about oneness
and it makes no **** sense
might as well burn some incense
and conjure my demons and tell them that
I'm ready for relapse
so they can prepare the way to my grave
with all the rage of yesterday
oh Lord!
where are you...
I keep feigning faith and trust
yet the only things I seek are out of lust
from a disgusting array of fantasies
even worse when they manifests in my dreams
because I can hear the screams
that are coming from me
I'm not sure I'm going to be okay
I've worked so very hard at changing my ways
my thinking and perceiving of what I see
but the world is exactly as ****** up as I knew it to be
and there's no consoling me at the moment
so here is me trying not to control it
oh, **** it, I'm tired of pretending that all will be well
that all manner of things will be well in this living hell
'cuz my mind is a prison phone with the devil on the line
telling me that all I'll ever have is time...

God is wearing many different shades of Orange in this gorgeous sunset over the water tonight

God is working in my life in various ways that make me get down on my knees and pray in thanks

God wears the face of a man l've only recently met who has lended me so many helping hands

God is working to restore my soul to the original mold before I grow too old

God wears the face of a dying drunk to show me if I keep doing wrong  then that is what I will become

God is working to restore my faith so I will truly let go and finally accept His loving grace

God, wear me, so I can show others what you have shown me

Whomever, whatever, or wherever you are..

Send me angels or your son again, or in another dimension tell my higher self that he needs to take the wheel again, or blend my spirit with your spirit and lift me up, fill my cup with something lighter than blood, like light and love and faith that moves this mountain of pain and grief that weighs me down so much…

Godless sounds like an icky thing, but having God exist and being disconnected from it is much worse, this I know from experience… so let me see with eyes of truth, are you reading this? I really think I need some proof… so I may understand what it means to lose myself for other human beings

this always happens
over and over again
the dream is beginning
the nightmare almost over
sober thoughts
drunken actions
hospital beds
psychiatric mansions
a broken record
pills to stop the bleeding
the hemorrhage of our meeting
are we okay to swim?
This is happening again
ascension is us leaving
hell is where we stay
we are sinking to the brink
my oily skin is heavy
in the water of your heart
drowning in the blisss
mixing In the swoon
I'm dying
you're crying
so we are too

What the hell am I supposed to do I feel as if I'm ******* because this addiction thing has proved time and again that it always wins in the end and I can't stop there is no off switch so I will probably die of this which depresses me and I confess that makes me want a drink as the cycle continues until I lose the battle and my loved ones suffer I have considered suicide to get it over with and stifle the wake of misery I've yet to leave behind but cannot seem to find the courage and you may say that rehab is the way to get and stay sober yet I submit it is a bandaid on a severed artery this I know from experience and what is wrong seems to go down deep to the very essence of me where my belief in God lives in my soul but faith has not sustained my sobriety even feeding the fear at moments when the voices are severe in my mind always trying to belittle and break me down until I whittle away into nothingness please

My chest crushed and any semblance of a man is gone, there is no turning back... what is done is done. Again and again, all the way through to what feels like infinity multiplied by infinity times a thousand! Yes I am a child, buried deep down in the well of my soul locked away forever, and right now I am kicking and screaming, directing self-pity like Scorsese!  My disease is killing me, more than just physically, it is mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and virtually everything that is me.

My fears are bleeding out onto this surface I'm so tired of feeling worthless and just because I am an addict doesn't mean I don't have a purpose in healing the people on this earth mess with my overflowing love and kindness I'm not typical or critical my love is unconditional as an empath I absorb your pain and guilt and shame and bottle it up and drink it down I'm drained at the end of most days from dealing with my never ceasing brain trying to process the constant strain from stress pouring down like rain on my chest  but I digress before I sound like I'm trying to win some imaginary pity contest so yes I am indeeed a hot mess and am likely to die by drinking myself to death and even alcoholic's anonymous didn't digest as I prayed and pleaded with God from my knees to take away my disease and I had what I thought was an epiphany until the misery came flooding back so I snapped and bailed out of rehab and stopped lying to myself that any part of me wants to stay alcohol free I couldn't handle that I need my carrot dangling and waiting at the end of a day full of frustrating blends of fear and anxiety screaming at me to make amends with the friends in my head and maybe it's a sin but then again my God is loving and not nothing but everything there is including my relief in a bottle or is that me just justifying... oh jeez... get the **** out of my head!

*takes a shot

The water is still as I gaze upon it, the sunshine reflecting in my eyes and I feel like I'm blinded, it's a reflection so bright that I cannot see..  nor do I want to. Reality shifts, and I can feel the intensity of every moment, and I twitch… shaking towards my own destiny,  as I wallow and suffocate in my own fear, my flashy insecurities... I can't believe you see me, may I run? Not that I want to, I'd rather drown...  either way it could be fun, do you not agree? Someone once told me they loved me, proceeding anyhow within my doubt, thus how I skeptically do not agree, with all that's perpetually mistaken for dull sound.. I love you.. and I say those words without a hidden meaning, it's only truth that I am speaking, you wrecked my world in such a good and terrible way, that I must be honest... whatever part you cast me in, I'll gladly be the one who plays.

This most recent dying has slowed time itself to a crawl as if it is dying with me and is gasping for breath, the ticking choking sound is suffocating me once and for all and I can't stand it or sleep as it leaks and creeps on into the next second while I bleed spirituality, angry and regretful at my decision made in misery.

my heart is soaked in rain
its pain evaporates in the sun

my heart grows cold and weary
teary eyes melt the fears away

my heart shatters into a mosaic
in tragic art it rebuilds stronger

my heart burns fiercely at its core,
to forge my soul into divine humility

There must be something beautiful
in this sick sad tired little world
like the prettiest little tree
swaying in the wind
the one the lonely drunkard
chose to hang himself in

there is always beauty somewhere
depending what perspective takes
in a picture of a broken girl
in **** she is torn apart inside
as she tries to hide her pain
yet her eyes betray her telling
a story of a thousand words in vain

the beauty lies in love that hasn't died
it's in the perception lever
and the place you stand
so take my hand and journey with me
I'll show you no such thing
as right or wrong in man

the dead student with a needle
in his arm next to the best friend
who insisted when he resisted
with survivor's guilt and endless torment
he changes himself fermenting
a desire to never forget
now he spends his years counseling
those still trapped in hopelessness

there's beauty within persisting
behind every so called sin
so when in seeking you shall find
all God's awful grace sublime

Most people do not understand my sense of humor... its very dry and often subtle, or off the wall beyond the normal. So when a joke made by me falls flat, there is an awkward moment where you look at me like I am dumb, and in my mind I think ah ****, they're dumb, then we both shake it off and continue on..

When I pray, I get down on my knees,
for no reason, other than to humble me,
I thank Her for the call,
I thank Her for the awe,
I'm praying to a friend, not a magic genie.

Red haired fair skinned girl
You're beautiful
Not because of the red hair
Or the fair skin
It is your kindness
Your openness
and your light within

The world outside just makes me wanna run and scream and hide inside my mind behind the wings of my demons, and in there is where I cry out and pray that someday my angels will finally learn how to fly me away back home, even if it is just for a short stay so I can permanently learn from all of my 3-D mistakes and come back as the man that God had originally made, and I say God for lack of a better term, because I really truly have no idea how to define the indefinable, yet I know that there is something there that transcends time and gives me hope, a tangible feeling in my forehead my mouth my throat my heart my guts my *** and “wee wee wee” all the way to my toes, like electricity spiraling down into my soul... some days I wonder where my heart is, since it is not at home… this incredible journey feels like an away game in the Stanley Cup playoffs, everyone in this stadium is rooting against you, yet what they do not realize is at the end of the day, we are all rooting for the same team, and that is to feel belonging, to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel understood... and we only root against each other because that is what everyone else is doing, and I for one am tired of being a ******* puppet, I’m tired of being shown the differences in all of us, I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired, and I want to go home..

But what I really truly deep down desire is to make this place here my own... To throw away my phone and look each person I’m blessed with in my life in the eyes and tell them “I love you, and you don’t need to be anything other than who you are for me to Love you... welcome home.”

Why am I writing with no demand?
Hoping to entertain lovers.
Do you know how sensitive I am?
Lying to myself and others.
Is my whole entire life just a scam?
Compelling that I even wonder.

I am a work of art in progress...

The brushstrokes that have been the hardest to paint, become the most beautiful parts of me...

I am a work of art in progress...

All of life is God’s canvas.. He created the heavens and the earth, but He is still creating me.

Life has hit me mercilessly
shotgun blasts to my soul
tearing out pieces of it
leaving holes that need filling
with little or no hope I push on
still reeling and out of control
I continue to smoke and drink
and think to myself that maybe
there will be an answer
in something I've wrote
therefore I write and write
in spite of my lack of ambition
just in case I find
the truth that I've been missing

I consent that I am afraid that everything is fake as if there are no actual faces in these scenes of chaos and affection where I am floating abhorring direction towards anywhere that isn't me I have the faith to move mountains but the stains remain inside my thoughts and it's hard to think about anything but pain regret and the shame I thought I walked away from but never let go of buried until I cry and release it from my eyes baptizing me in the name of love if nothing else maybe I can go home when I was young I dreamed that my destiny would be in reach at this stage and I feel it rising in my veins because now I see that I am a mirror reflecting and that the image isn't me

Maybe I picked up some dad skills. Maybe I already knew. Maybe all they need is attention…

That is all anybody wants, really. To feel like somebody gives a **** about them, to not feel lonely.

That is why he cries when he wakes up from a nap, or in the morning... because he wakes up alone. He just wants to know that you are there, and that you care.

Although he doesn’t need you to hold him all the time, there will be (has been that) time when he falls upon his head, and he’ll need you by his side...

All of this is the sugar on top of succeeding in the effort to not let him die.

;)

People in places with feelings
Running down the darkest of roads
They could be much worse off
it's their choosing
Some choose life and love the perils of love
Love is alive and it's moving
Never tie it down to anything
We must be free of the chains and see beauty
In each and all of God's everything
So just live and let live and sleep naked
and love every single being you can

Peace runs deep in love that says
come follow me
learn to move higher on your journey
up the mountain towards
letting what you're afraid of losing go
free falling upward
make your decision soon
choosing to have Life
through loving God and others like
Christ knew and taught us how to do

Imagine me out on a limb, outside of this skin
a bird chirping in the moonlight
draw me with the brush stroke of your daydream
color my eyes with the design of a universe
imagine me in Time
written within the pages of your clever disguise
a dream within a dream within a dream...
all the way towards infinity
pencil me into existence with the sharpness of your observance
listen to me singing as I bathe wildly in the luminescence
of my very own reverie
Imagine you as a photogenic apostasy
freedom from the spiral of persistent slumber
develop the negatives to see
black and white and inside out
you are a shimmering raindrop
splashing together into itself and all others
an oceanic expression of truth and love

as you gracefully walked by, your beauty caught my eye
the way that you carry yourself so well, it makes me shy
but then you walked into the door
and cursed a word with letters four
and I fell in love, as I laughed so hard I almost cried

everything I am is a lie
my addiction waits...

what kind of role do I play
the damage is complete

I'm broken and shattered
scattered with the wind

I am all these lost pieces
hoping to be whole again

Boredom always gets its way,
in my waking life, in this meeting,
with nothing important left to say,
is when convincingly, in reverie,
my insanity comes out to play,
a thought to stand up, strip down,
scream and run away

My emotions in the mirror looking into the past are closer than they appear to be -what is the truth of me- is it what I allow myself to think or is it what I feel and how do I heal my pain body building up at a cellular level doing pushups inside years of experience perceived through tears and mysteriously they linger only in my mind yet are just as real as you and I and are not limited by the illusion of time and there is no rhyme or reason as to why I can't let go so I think it must be my egocentric will that has a death grip and it needs to be killed before the true me turns over my death wish and surrenders to God's Will which wants me to be happy joyous and free having interesting and vital experiences that teach me to see clearly the source of everything is God and that listening to what She is speaking to me through others and showing me in each scene of synchronicity in every single ineffable moment is what sparks the fire in my soul and if I allow myself to go spirituality broke again by trying to regain control by pretending to run the show again the cancer will only grow into more restless irritability and discontentment rendering my true self defenseless of my self-centeredness engulfed in fear relinquishing all hope of any hope and I know I desire Love and not to be alone so hear my cries oh God -the Indefinable Unknown- save my soul and carry me... and crucify my ego.

revel in the ever present always fleeting moment
face our twinkling star as it ticks away the firmament
feel the subtle warmth of burning time upon your skin

tingle from the glow of a midnight morning breeze
breathe in the animation of your vessel still asleep
exhale the once hoped maybe into the surely then was

taste the scent of new life springtime flowers growing near
see the buzz of a vibrating bee as it gyrates your inner fears
create yourself from the sacrifice of all the holy recycled dead

Sway with me.. feel the vibrations within the silence of our staccato, notes left unplayed.. the ones felt instead of heard.. knowing that there are never adequate words to describe the magnetic pull that is felt from the heat of your heavenly body, the subtle touches that leave me breathless and dizzy are enough to turn me into a poet despite me, or at least the shell there of.. forgetting about my misery and the history repeating.. when I am not okay she chooses to love me,  and there are no demons that could compete, they just hide within my eyes until she pries them free with her beautiful violence, her ability to reach within me... and we dance.. not holding each other, but assimilating into something more complete

I saw hell and I'm afraid to go back
I must find the elusive loving I lack
I fear this daydream of death
I want to take my last breath
I wish my mind would cease it's attack

What do you want me to say? We are both **** ups. I'm sorry I hurt you. We hurt each other... But are we going to live in the past or in the now?

I love you. I miss you. You make me cry without even hearing your voice.

I remember remembering this moment
a subtle knowing this occurred before
is it the events unfolding as they were?
or the memories unfurling as they are?

My life, a perpetually circling dog trying to find just the right place lie down.

There is this idea of infinite universes, in which every possibility is manifest, and this idea I enjoy… if paths chosen are limitless, then there truly is no room for regret.  A few times in my life I’ve experienced what can only be described as an overwhelming feeling that I had recently died, that somehow I had jumped from one reality to the next, where I was still alive… and I have nearly died on several occasions, yet there has never been a white light(so don’t ask), not even while I was in a coma and I experienced many types of ‘dreams’ that were very vivid and real... no, it’s usually just waking up in hospital rooms, or mental institutions, where this feelilng of purgatory becomes more persistent, and time moves painfully slow… I asked a girl once, during one of these lulls, when the feeling was heavy on my mind, ‘what if this is Hell?’ and I coulld tell it scared her though and I felt badly when her eyes got so wide… but why so afraid if she didn’t feel as if it might be true inside her mind?

literally, we are living in a van down by the river. I have never been so happy, laughing and sober, our love trascending old hurts, with seagulls to feed from pantry food given to us  in true need, our greed it has vanished with our stomachs so famished, connecting with God again, bathed in praise from the generosity of those living in His name, all we can think to say is hallelujah, amen! with no shame as we hunt for cans to purchase Cheyenne's, remembering our materialism as if it were a prison, laughing all the way toward crazy, yet our minds have never been less hazy, so clear of all fear, knowing through intuition that angels watch over us, lending assistance at just the perfect time, every time, even when hope seems to be missing, especially then, so let me say it again as a destitute man with his woman living in a van down by the flowing river... Hallelujah, Amen!

Imagine being born a person whom always felt as if people and the world do not make sense, and were always deep in thought about it, as such, a thing happened where embarrassment of self became the norm. Mix in drinking, and it increases tenfold... progressively worsening over time.

someone once told me
to be a writer
I must bleed on the page
well here is me hemorrhaging
unleashing my rage
I'm so tired of being a fighter
I only wish to be free
if I allow myself to think
if I let myself feel
it makes me want to drink
I badly want to heal
I miss you
I'm dying
I hate you
I'm crying
I love you
I'm trying
I'm drunk
Help me
I'm holding on for dear life
refill my glass please
I've forgotten what's right
my blood is thin
my will is sin
my heart is dim
my love has been
why can't I bleed!
I ******* hate my alcoholic greed
I ******* hate me
take away my need
someone once told me
there's no such thing as free

I noticed strawberry jam on my bible...
and I thought, well, that's not good...
but it occurred to me that God wouldn't mind...
and then all at once, I understood life.

Take a look at my heart..
It beats and bleeds..
In time I feel so alone..
In space I feel so lonely..

Everything dies
so I sit here and cry..
longing to be belong..
yearning to be heard..

Screaming to be seen!

Peer into my soul
I'm open and hoping
my vulnerability shines
I'm no longer cowering
or hiding behind lies
I'm hanging by a thread
swaying in cold wind
I need the warmth of love
to help me find innocence
else I'll be hanging dead
letting go of my resistance
and it comes to be written
God rest his broken soul

passion has left me for dead
floating along the surface
no thought of treading water
no curious intent
just a worthless life preserver
an inflated ego to resent

Dropping down now to my knees, screaming from inside these prison walls of this mind of mine to be free from my insecurities...

I'm thoroughly convinced at this point that God communicates through numbers. That's not to say that the Divine does not communicate in other forms, but for me, the more I pay attention the more I see a pattern of intelligent signaling via numbers in my day to day experience. Maybe it's just the autist in me, though I do know that I am far from the first person to ever notice this phenomenon. There are quite a few interpretations of this numbers game, this bread crumb trail leading towards the Truth... but, like the Bible, I believe God is speaking to each person individually through this means, and that there isn't any master key that unlocks it all.. unless that key is faith. But it is a personal relationship with the Creator, knocking on the door in seeking God, the one on one (11) friendship and union with The Spirit, and the communion with others doing the same (11:11) that is the key that unlocks the door to the fullness of Love. This is the quickening of the synchronicities on the vibration of Love frequencies, the tuning of our antennae to God's, as the door opens and we can hear the Divine speaking to us much more clearly... and for me, the numbers start flowing, and I buzz and hum with this energy that transcends caffeine and greed, weightless almost in this state of Love that I desire always to be connected with, the Source of it... yet, often still, my shadow self, the denseness of me blocks this loving and living aqueous transmission, and I fall back in to the 3D world, fall out of the Love consciousness of Christ Consciousness, and it becomes all about "Me Me Me!" again... but I'm learning to recognize this spiritual plummet into the realm of the dead, and what I need to do in those times to find the path back to Her, as She helps me by leaving these bread crumbs... numbers to remind me that my Spirit is wildly free, that what is seen isn't all of reality, that there's more than being stuck in the perils of 3D, yet thinking so much differently... and so, I continue to unlearn me, seek out bakers for this trail of bread, praying prayers that stretch out towards Eternity, until once again my Spirit is the one that leads. 5:5

my thoughts turn hazy and cold
in a perverse sense of well being
in feeling not safe on this place called earth
where self-worth is a curse to behold
where my tears appear out of fear
and I submit that it's all in my head
that all will be well in this material hell
as the mystically spellbound
seemingly intellectual
festival of my dreams
and all that would be
seems to be free of misery
yet in loneliness
I stress my regression
from the lessons I've learned
because I yearn to be seen
to commit adultery of the heart
with the song of my soul
to let go of the past
and immerse in the glass half full
of pain and anguish to languish
that which attacks my reverie

My heart does a flying squirrel somersault off the high dive of my butterfly cage, fluttering amongst symbols of enlightening when I think of you, or see your name written in any place or those times where I am lucky enough to get to see your beautiful face, and when I get to talk to you my heart picks up its microphone and sings to me in tune with its beat a love song Id choose to play on repeat for forever if anything at all is ever truly up to me, so when we are finally close enough again to feel the heat off our fiery twin flames, my heart will pack its things, and return home to your love again.

Melted chains and burn marks on my wrists
scars that remain to spark memories
existing only to play the part
to remind me
to not resist the Love
amidst this twisting worldly sphere
resisting then the atmosphere of fear
designed to wipe our minds clear
forgetting that we are all the children
of the One who came here
to disappear our iniquities
the toxicity that dwells within our flesh
recalling then that every breath we breathe
is the breath of Life
and nothing less
and I am free to express who I am
now created new through Him
leaving the past in the background
I was lost and now am found
my hands have been unbound

I enter into tunnel vision with each drop of wetness hitting the pavement sounding like a different note on a grand piano each key softly splashing and misting away into obvlivion the lucky ******* and I just sit here in my sin again until my friend saves me and digs me up from underneath whatever it is today that is covering me up whatever it so happens that I have had enough of to tip the scales of fate in favor of bubbling fizzing alcoholic waste and so I pace wondering what changed what gave my brain permission to become entagled with my heart because it certainly wasn't me or the essence of what is me or what character I pretend to be or what my ego thinkgs I would like to be and I love you this I know outside the group effort that tries to trick me that they're me and even they sometimes have to get on their knees on chorus of yes she is amazing but they always follow it up with a she's too good for the real me you really ought to just set her free and spare her misery and grief and thus therefore I have not talked to God very much lately and I'm struggling with my spirituality like all these things that I have attached myself to and held on to over the span of my lifetime has continuously been proven incomplete or false entirely and I'm green now because I'm jaded and I hate it because I feel as if my passion is dwindling at best in all aspects and it's frustrating and such a ******* mess emotionally and again I drink and it's not because of you it's me or maybe more accurately it is something that has been desperately trying to **** me the only problem is that I am not as weak as it thinks and when I have a best friend that is always at ringside with me I'm always in the battle and I will not quit I will not give up even when I'm in tremendous peril and the fact that I might be sterile is like a microcosm of my life in general where I want a family and a wife and kids more than anything yet the alcoholism makes me not the most eligable bachelor and of course socially sterile like a ***** in jerusalem I sing my hymn of loneliness wanting to connect with Him but feeling inaqequate in sin