"Are heaven and hell just metaphors for inner selves and our peace with each one?"

Over breakfast I suggest this to the other which is not the one that feeds

Melted chains and burn marks on my wrists
scars that remain to spark memories
existing only to play the part
to remind me
to not resist the Love
amidst this twisting worldly sphere
resisting then the atmosphere of fear
designed to wipe our minds clear
forgetting that we are all the children
of the One who came here
to disappear our iniquities
the toxicity that dwells within our flesh
recalling then that every breath we breathe
is the breath of Life
and nothing less
and I am free to express who I am
now created new through Him
leaving the past in the background
I was lost and now am found
my hands have been unbound

This is for the hopeless and weary
those teary eyed and
the drowning and fearing
in fury of the love disappearing
into an electric forest of flickering screens
hearing the silent screams of billions of souls
desperately crying to be free
and the agony that is their inability
to wake up from their nightmares
and into their dreams
yet still being stuck in their sleep
no matter how hard they weep
from their knees toward the sky
an intense help me plea to the divine;

'Please fill the void inside
the design of our broken hearts
and discard the part we played
in the ever repeating drama of a life
that's only hurt and betrayed.'

Freedom exists...
in forgiveness and togetherness
in acceptance and kindness
in tenderness and righteousness
in loving more
and hating less
focusing not on what divides us
but more on what is beautiful
in all of those we meet next
expecting to see the uniqueness
of each in progress canvass
that we call the human soul
while letting go of foolish pride
and holding on to joy and hope
so that the noise of the collective love
will awaken those still dead and cold

My fears are bleeding out onto this surface I'm so tired of feeling worthless and just because I am an addict doesn't mean I don't have a purpose in healing the people on this earth mess with my overflowing love and kindness I'm not typical or critical my love is unconditional as an empath I absorb your pain and guilt and shame and bottle it up and drink it down I'm drained at the end of most days from dealing with my never ceasing brain trying to process the constant strain from stress pouring down like rain on my chest  but I digress before I sound like I'm trying to win some imaginary pity contest so yes I am indeeed a hot mess and am likely to die by drinking myself to death and even alcoholic's anonymous didn't digest as I prayed and pleaded with God from my knees to take away my disease and I had what I thought was an epiphany until the misery came flooding back so I snapped and bailed out of rehab and stopped lying to myself that any part of me wants to stay alcohol free I couldn't handle that I need my carrot dangling and waiting at the end of a day full of frustrating blends of fear and anxiety screaming at me to make amends with the friends in my head and maybe it's a sin but then again my God is loving and not nothing but everything there is including my relief in a bottle or is that me just justifying... oh jeez... get the **** out of my head!

*takes a shot

Something to hope for,
following the stars above,
praying for guidance,
waiting for love...
never losing faith,
in God I trust,
expanding spirituality,
to try is simply enough.

My emotions in the mirror looking into the past are closer than they appear to be -what is the truth of me- is it what I allow myself to think or is it what I feel and how do I heal my pain body building up at a cellular level doing pushups inside years of experience perceived through tears and mysteriously they linger only in my mind yet are just as real as you and I and are not limited by the illusion of time and there is no rhyme or reason as to why I can't let go so I think it must be my egocentric will that has a death grip and it needs to be killed before the true me turns over my death wish and surrenders to God's Will which wants me to be happy joyous and free having interesting and vital experiences that teach me to see clearly the source of everything is God and that listening to what She is speaking to me through others and showing me in each scene of synchronicity in every single ineffable moment is what sparks the fire in my soul and if I allow myself to go spirituality broke again by trying to regain control by pretending to run the show again the cancer will only grow into more restless irritability and discontentment rendering my true self defenseless of my self-centeredness engulfed in fear relinquishing all hope of any hope and I know I desire Love and not to be alone so hear my cries oh God -the Indefinable Unknown- save my soul and carry me... and crucify my ego.

Burning cold shivers in my shoulders and neck,
the grip of lust toward death drags me downward,
only small breaths escape my chest, through clenched teeth I can hardly breathe,
I'm shaking internally...
Please don't look me in the eyes,
because they're crying,
yes I know they're dry,
as I try to hide the fear and sheer terror I feel of loneliness inside my blindness,
this dark room of lost love,
'I need help!'
I shout cries to the Above without any noise from the shell of who I was,
and though the blood it still runs,
I pray for peace it dries up,
because now I've had enough beatings from this life,
and my heart...
and I can't even pretend to have the strength to start all over again,
so thanks but no thanks,
I'm sorry...
this is the end.