too many thoughts
on this crowded elevator,
in my brain that is chained,
shackled by prior misery,
haunted by my adolescence,
cursed by the atrocities of my youth...

I'm vying for agony,
with fantasies of a noose,
a knot that slips the pain away...
for that pain must be cut loose,
before I cut lines on a mirror,
or lines on my arms,
to charm the legion of evil,
in their playground of my mind...

on the glass of my eyes,
they're always tapping...
tap..tap..tap...
letting me know they're still in there...
that they haven't gone anywhere...
no matter the pressure I apply,
with my spiritual cries to the divine,

they need to come out,
to eat a hearty meal...
so I try to conceal my zeal,
the lust to set them free...

but the more I resist them,
in this persistent reality,
the more they try harder,
to destroy me in my dreams...

my thoughts turn hazy and cold
in a perverse sense of well being
in feeling not safe on this place called earth
where self-worth is a curse to behold
where my tears appear out of fear
and I submit that it's all in my head
that all will be well in this material hell
as the mystically spellbound
seemingly intellectual
festival of my dreams
and all that would be
seems to be free of misery
yet in loneliness
I stress my regression
from the lessons I've learned
because I yearn to be seen
to commit adultery of the heart
with the song of my soul
to let go of the past
and immerse in the glass half full
of pain and anguish to languish
that which attacks my reverie

my heart is soaked in rain
its pain evaporates in the sun

my heart grows cold and weary
teary eyes melt the fears away

my heart shatters into a mosaic
in tragic art it rebuilds stronger

my heart burns fiercely at its core,
to forge my soul into divine humility

Why does my mind always work its way toward suicide?

I'm trying, I'm trying...

I'm trying to figure out me,
who I am in sobriety,
and every time I think I'm there,
I peel back another layer,
and again it isn't me...

So...

give me drugs,
I try to be spiritual,
give me a rope,
I try to find God...
give me *****,
I try to be selfless,
give me a smoke,
I try to reach out,
give me a razor,
I try to move on...
give me pills,
I try to heal inside,
give me a needle,
I try to feel inside...
give me thrills!
I try and I fail...

I want to give up,
I want to give in,
and one way or another,
I want to just sin..

the cup isn't half full,
the cup isn't half empty...

the cup is where I'm drowning...

Take a look at my heart..
It beats and bleeds..
In time I feel so alone..
In space I feel so lonely..

Everything dies
so I sit here and cry..
longing to be belong..
yearning to be heard..

Screaming to be seen!

Peer into my soul
I'm open and hoping
my vulnerability shines
I'm no longer cowering
or hiding behind lies
I'm hanging by a thread
swaying in cold wind
I need the warmth of love
to help me find innocence
else I'll be hanging dead
letting go of my resistance
and it comes to be written
God rest his broken soul

I saw hell and I'm afraid to go back
I must find the elusive loving I lack
I fear this daydream of death
I want to take my last breath
I wish my mind would cease it's attack