The clock it is ticking
what are you missing?
do you say 'I love you'?
do you say it with truth?

The last breath is near
what are your fears?
do you make your amends?
do you forgive or pretend?

The moments are fleeting
what are you repeating?
do you resent your life?
do you live it with strife?

The clock it is ticking
what are you missing?
remember love is a choice
and that you have a voice

Say what I say and mean what I mean this stream of consciousness thing is quite a release and I know it's not a diary but it's fun to let others spy on me even if only one or two or three will ever see what I'm writing it's still exciting to be open and share because I was closed off from people for the majority of my life and it had to do with self-esteem but now that I don't care what others may think this whole experience is quite liberating so let me become even more  openly free and dare to share something that has been bothering me and that is the fact that so many asshats have mocked and teased and called me gay or alluded to it by what they say and it's been happening my whole life and even in this rehab stay the homophobia is in play and yes I'm effeminate in so many ways but here's the real secret, oh my gosh, I'm not gay! but part of me wants to just pretend that I am to make it uncomfortable but it wouldn't be fair of me because I'm comfortable in my sexuality and that would be retaliatory and just as inflammatory but beyond all of that I really don't get it why people are so upset about how others do hit it can't we just live and let live why do we label each other by whatever preference that we discover to help us feel closer to love because isn't that what human beings are wired  to do so come on I implore you all who are stuck in your hatred to tell a coworker about who you thought of the last time you masturbated and then I'll ask you again if it's any of your business

The love and terror of this path through life,
creates an action within me to gain traction,
so I trudge what feels like forward,
toward whatever is calling,
I say babbling prayers to keep from falling,
yet I stumble and trip,
and to keep upright I reach out to grip,
the most consistent thing in this persistent dream;
pleasurable and lustful things...
but the consistency is my lie,
so I curse my dreaming,
though the feeling is fleeting and treacherous,
all I want is to say **** Everything And Run,
and then I am overcome by which way to flee,
then I fall...

...and the only one I have to blame, is me.

These spiders keep crawling inside of my head.
They're weaving weary lies up into their web.
My soul begins screaming...
My heart it is bleeding...
Their invasion of fear snares me full of dread.

I wish I could feel something other than this sadness
I'm really sick of all this madness
the drama I create inside my mind
if only my sanity was something I could find
except for all these joyous ruses
I'm not convinced that all these bruises
will heal and I feel like running away from me
or starting a catastrophe
to hide in the numbness...
and I keep hearing about oneness
and it makes no **** sense
might as well burn some incense
and conjure my demons and tell them that
I'm ready for relapse
so they can prepare the way to my grave
with all the rage of yesterday
oh Lord!
where are you...
I keep feigning faith and trust
yet the only things I seek are out of lust
from a disgusting array of fantasies
even worse when they manifests in my dreams
because I can hear the screams
that are coming from me
I'm not sure I'm going to be okay
I've worked so very hard at changing my ways
my thinking and perceiving of what I see
but the world is exactly as ****** up as I knew it to be
and there's no consoling me at the moment
so here is me trying not to control it
oh, **** it, I'm tired of pretending that all will be well
that all manner of things will be well in this living hell
'cuz my mind is a prison phone with the devil on the line
telling me that all I'll ever have is time...

here comes the 'cutter'?
where did compassion go?
are you ******* ******?
how can you just label a human soul?

you mock and you tease,
what used to be haircuts,
is now a 'help me' plea,
now I'm sick to my gut

have you ever used your brain?
you god ****** apes with ego trips,
for something other than self gain?
you've nothing but pride upon your lips...