When I tell you, “I’m depressed”
Do you ever think
This is just some trick, something he says to keep me here?
Because I’m always afraid
You might stick around
For all the wrong reasons
When, the only one I care about
Is that, you found in me someone you can love, someone who can love you.
Because
As sad, and as hard as it is to say
Even though it will take
Just about everyone I know and trust with this information
Years to sort me through the loss of you
I’ll get past it
And I’ll have at least, someone to help me
So, please don’t stay with me, just because, every so often
I say “I’m depressed”
Because even though I say “don’t ever leave me”
If you do, I won’t think any differently of you
Who, after all, could blame you
If, sometimes, when I say certain words
You want to fly away
Because staying, might just be some big mistake

Hey, again. We haven't spoken in so long. How are you? How have you been? How many days has it been since the last time we spoke? Tell me about them, all of them. Or better yet, talk about something you love. How I used to be able to coax you to do. Speak to me roughly, yell at me, just...don't leave me in silence. Because I can't bear to be alone. Because I am not as strong as I show. Because deep inside, all the fears I don't show flow beneath the surface. Tell me about your smile. Has it faded away? I hope not. How's your family? Your love life? What color shoes did you wear yesterday? When did you last wear a dress? Is it okay with you, if after every topic that you speak we digress? I don't want to stay too long in silence. Because, I learned long ago that between lovers and friends there are times when there's nothing wrong with a little bit of silence, and other times...so how was your day? Is something wrong? Is nothing wrong? Can I congratulate you? Console you? Can you get me outside of my head? Is it sad that I twist and I turn in every direction like a wounded animal? Is it bad that whenever I stop to think I just wish I had a gun held up to my head? So, how about the weather? Strange, isn't it? How it feels like our skin could just boil off. And I just think that maybe, this time, we could stay up until I see another ray of sunshine, rising, as it always does. So I can murmur to myself that after every night comes the dawn and with the dawn comes the light, and, and-oh, that was just your ringtone. No, no, it's fine. I don't want to leave a message. Can you hear the desperation in my voice when I say goodbye?

And, I ask, again
for the millionth time
who
can I turn to
when I am alone
when the person I turned to
has turned their back to me
I don't miss your touch so much as I miss your presence
I don't miss your kisses as much as I miss being held by you
And, above all else
I miss having someone to talk to
when the world around me seems to be falling apart
and I never showed anyone else
that the wallpaper to my mind
was torn and tarnished
And who do I turn to
when
the person who, to me, was the entirety of this world
has left me too?

I would kiss your lips as gently as I'd slap you across the face
Smooth
Straight into the action
Purely fueled by passion
I'd set you free as often as I'd lock your cage
shove and hide you away in the remoteness of your mind
I'd make you spend time
Wondering just who I am
Seconds
Mainly
As you can't be bothered nor can I be asked
Too involved in my past to set course for a better future
I found myself repeating history
Now nothing remains a mystery
I can
Tell when the **** will hit the fan
And set it on high so it falls and sullies the floor
Where I can inspect the damage that was not done to me from a distance
Reminiscent of times where I'd imagine myself doing something
Aside from drifting in and out of consciousness.
Finding myself wishing my arms were spread around you
To pull you in
Seek your warmth and figure out just
What warmth is to a sack of flesh
Supported by bones
Running on blood and adrenaline rushes
The mind seeks to lay blame on other important organs
So you can ignore that you are faulty
And then you see your faults in others, and blame them for grievances you encountered yourself
And I'd set you and your hips down
Slide a hand up and hold your lips down
Lift you up because I'm afraid you might drown
In the tensions that arise when you're slipping out of your mind
And into loose tongue mouthing nothing that sounds like obscenities wafting through the air
And I'd make love to you
You'd call it *** too
In the same way one casually waves a hand at an old friend
Long forgetting their name
Who they were
What they meant if anything
Casually smiling back as these voids go unfilled
You'd never mention it again
Like the time that the world almost came to an end as I was choking on my own saliva
Siezing out for a hand or a tree branch
Crawling on the floor, vision fading
Thinking
This is how I'll die, and I'll think nothing more
So that to this day I cannot stand to feel as though I might throw up because my throat my hold down the ***** and I'd erupt only after I die
But it's never mentioned
So it's like it never happened
Till it comes back in flashes, calling to you like a parent, promising some sense of warmth, something safe
Because we craft and recraft our memories till they make what makes the most sense to us
Would be to let me do as I want for a year
Without limitations I might finally face my fears
Self imposed, unreal, and confront myself as I am, a coward too afraid to act
So he acts in defiance to his own whims
Like
Holding onto your hands
Memorizing the smooth contours and shapes
Feeling the tingling sensensation of running my nails gently across your fingertips
Down your neck I'd find nothing but soft skin and exposed vacancies of weaknesses long since abandoned
What gives when the architect of your demise
Is that little voice inside your mind
Saying
It's your hearts fault, that you're so blind
When
All it ever did was give out the signs

I know a doll made of brass and electrical wiring
She seems so cold and fixedly haunting
She's got such eyes, eyes that keep calling
Reaching out, reaching out and peering
As though they were clawing their way out of her frame
I know a doll, she's made of brass
The rest of her feels like an electrical touch
Shocking at first, tingly when lost
And she's got such a radiant gaze
It almost makes you feel secure
Best be easy now, easy now, or she'll break off your hands
She's got such features that make her so harsh
And she's got such a fighting gaze
I know a doll
She's made up of brass
But if you asked me, ever so discretely
I'd nod to her way and say
See that girl, see that girl? She's made up of glass. She's so transparent that I can see through her
And she's so bashful that she doesn't let anyone else know what I know
So I go around saying
Hey, see that girl there, she's made up of brass, and if you held her, just quietly held her, you'd never notice if she ever held back

But that is our secret, my little secret
Knowing just how she yearns to hold back her emotions
How she cannot control them
So she just stays there, in your hands, in your grasp till you go on by
And when she's been dropped
You see her get up, oh-so-smoothly
Seemelesly on her own two feet
But I see inside, see inside
That she's still collapsed
But we'll keep on saying that she's made up of brass

I'm frightened by just how much I love you. And I do mean love. Not that silly thing we throw around like casual greetings-- "oh, I just love your dress, your shoes, your earings"-- no, none of that, unless these things were worshipped by whoever uttered the phrase. I mean just that, I worship you, I adore every second I spend with you and if I could commit to memory every detail of your soul and flesh and internal beauties I'd never be alone again. But, I am only so gifted, and I lose sight of you upon every drifting thought. That does not mean you are not important to me, that you are, oh so terribly, but I simply know I cannot bear to hold you in my mind all the time. Otherwise I'd never get things done. This does, however, work as a wonderful motivator; wanting to send my time imaginning you because we are so far apart. I try my best so I can get back to that, so that I can get back to you when you are around. So, back to the fact that I love you. I love you like one should their own thoughts, something so integral in defining who you are that it can be said to compose your very essence. I know it's like a cliche, but I really find myself at a loss for words when describing those precious moments of intimate solitude to even us. Giving shape, form, word and solid meaning to something so raw, intimate, warm, caring and so much deeper than those words could ever imply is...wrong. But you know me, always one to try and say what it is I'm thinking, whether or not it needs to be said. And I also know you, and I take great pride in knowing my lover so well that I am her best friend, her first choice in opening up to someone. It makes me feel so important; you make me feel that way too. And that's important, especially between two people with limited self-esteems. To be made so important and integral and nurturing to someone elses life, and at the same time making them equally important to you-- not to lick one anothers wounds, but to help us through, help each of us move on, together. I like that, I really do. Hell, maybe the reason why we shouldn't give this shape is because it can be viewed in such a skewed manner, always picked apart and basterdized, misinterpreted, twisted, distorted, and in the end defiled beyond repair. But, there are also times when we can give these moments shape and form, liberty. When we lay in bed, with you usually laying on top of me, looking right into each others eyes, without so much as a ****** hint or verbal command our fingers slide across our hands, down one anothers palms, into the spaces between each finger and interlock, and we stare, and we smile, and we giggle at how very alike we are, you and I. In love