A gardener once had 2 two seeds
they planted both in the same soil

one was healthy and robust
the other, weak and frail

Pitying the weak seed
the gardener gave special care

It was attentively fertilized,
watered meticulously,
weeds picked out regularly
sunlight regulated.

The gardener watched the weak seed
crying as it finally bloomed after all the struggle

Rejoicing, the Gardner turned to the healthy seed
but it had never sprouted.

Second place is satisfactory
except in a parent's heart
2 is less than 1
because it has 1 more burden to carry
1 more empty void to spill from
and that's why it can never be 1.

I see
double, pairs,
twins, couples.

yet

in the mirror,
I see one.

Body entwined in burden
heart cold from solitude
mind numb from pain
a weary soul trudging along

my gaze turned inside, tired of looking out
and I saw a small flame
barely visible in the dark depths
it flickered

on
off
on
off

I stared in wonder
at the beauty of the light
against the darkness it was enclosed in
boldly dancing despite its fragility

on
off
on
off

perhaps the sun...

the flame roared to life

perhaps the sun never left me
I had forgotten where it was.

When did my skies become so gray?
When did I get so used to a cloudy view?
When was rain such a common occurrence?
Where has my sun gone?

I remember when warmth touched my skin
Skies a vibrant blue
clouds shaped like objects
Everything bright and clear

Is this a byproduct of age?
the order of my birth?
their expectations?
an inevitability?

I thought money would bring back my sun
or a warm body next to mine
or external approval
or a prestigious title

Yet here I am
emptier than before
standing under the downpour
asking myself,

where has my sun gone?

She began as a child
With naive hope of a better future
One where her dreams came true
And the darkness of her past kept
Only in words

Yet here she sits today
That same hurt girl
No longer a child
But still with the fire of hope in her
Now holding the same weight but ten fold

She feels like she can no longer move
Crippled by her own self doubt
Stuck in her ways
An illness she thought time could cure
Yet here she remains

May 10 more years pass by
May she stand up and move forward
May she be who she wants to be
May her dreams become real
May she be happier than I

I look at myself
I see flaws

You stand right next to me
Scrutinizing, pointing at each one in dissatisfaction

It’s with love that I show you your flaws
I’m making you better

Are you sure it’s me you’re looking at?
Is it me you’re criticizing?

Does it make you feel better to belittle me?
Do you feel better about yourself now?

I blame you and still drown in self hatred
Each word, sent with love drives a stake deeper into my heart

Am I truly in the wrong?

You ask me if I love you
If I care

If I don’t even have room in my heart for myself
Do I have any love to spare?