i said, "i don't want to talk."
i said, "i don't want to talk."
i said, "i can't talk."
and when we talked,
it ended. and that's what it is.

ask me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10,
   and i'll give you a crippling number.
  an above-10 number.

ask me to look the boy who no longer loves me in the eye
and i'll shy away. i'll avert my own eyes.
i will walk by him as if we are strangers,
       and i will feel the seams on my heart pop open,
one by one.

ask me if i feel like breaking
   and hurting.
ask me about the emptiness in my chest
        and the grey behind my eyes. ask me if it hurts my heart to beat.
    ask me if my blood is still in the habit of quickening when he's close.
ask me if i regret anything,
and i'll tell you that i regret everything.

      ask me if i love him
      and ask me if i want him.
           for those, i won't have an answer.
           only silence. only thought.

ask me if parts of me hate him,
  and i'll tell you about the low burning in my belly,
         the hating-blaming-burning
and the ******-up way it makes me feel.

ask me if i miss him.
i'll tell you that i am hollow.
i'll tell you that my whole body, my whole heart, is nothing but missing him.
i'll tell you i might just blow away
   without his love to anchor me.
i'll tell you that i feel absolutely empty

and it will be the truth.

no one told them it was the place
that we watched the water go by -
sat, for hours,
and watched the water go by.

nobody said it was the spot where i started to move on from the boy i loved
and where you stopped caring what your father thinks.

it's the spot where we sat in the roots of trees
and smoothed sand off of purple river stones.
it's the spot where the old lumber mill had been decaying,
and where the kids would go when they were too old for the playground.
it was where the stray dogs poked around in the rubble and the lumber scraps
and where the stray cats fought and made love.

no one told them it was where we sat
and planned out our lives together -
a pair of girls with too-long legs and our hair askew
whose clothes were covered in paint
and whose hands where used to climbing the tree behind the bakery.
no one told them it was our spot,
our best-friend soul-speaking spot.
nobody said that it was spots like these
that hold the heart of our little town,
our artistic-afterthought town
with its peeling-paint coffee shops and friendly passersby.

they built concrete trees over our spot on the river,
an ugly corporate jungle.
they put grey bricks in the sand and shoveled away the purple river stones
and dug up the roots of our trees,
and now we'll have nowhere to watch the water tumble by.

no one told them it was the spot, our spot,
and no one will remember it but us.

Animus,
(Noun):
purpose,
intention,
animating spirit,
mind,
courage,
passion,
wrath,
living rather than simply being alive,
it's my favorite word

I care
It´s unfair
To miss
Every kiss
To cry       
About goodbye
                                Do you  r e m e m b e r?

That dark December
Cuddled together
In rainy weather
How it felt
Made me  m
                       e
                    l
                         t

                                                            ­           You said
                                                              “Come back to bed”

                     I ran away                                                             ­                     Into the gray

In the middle of winter
Plucked like a splinter

I fell    
         Into a spell
                                Scared
                    ­                          I cared
                                                              I love
                                                            ­               …Kind of

Inch by inch, mile by mile
Won't you stay for awhile?
Moment by moment, kiss by kiss
I've fallen in love with this

With
Murmmers under flannel sheets
Dark coffee & chocolate treats
The non-space between skin and lips
The gentle curve of twirling hips

...but
Like the tide you pull away
Slowly sadly this cannot stay
Looking back you turn to leave
My heart still sewn to your sleeve

Rain kisses the pavement
Cigarette burnt fingertips
Your warmth is god sent
I taste the salt on your lips

Black umbrellas line the streets
Clam chowder and baguette air
Like a child tucked beneath crisp sheets
Adoration the only stitch I wear

Pacific Ocean’s salt
Rain soaked cheeks
Coy, loving, exalted
We could’ve survived like this for weeks

If we only have a second
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To kiss you on the mouth
& stalk your light
as if a moth

If we only have a minute
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To murmur in your ear
a melody
of why I love you dear

If we only have an hour
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To pull you in to dance
& teach you
of romance

If we only have a day
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To sweep you off your feet
& parade
you down the street

If we only have a lifetime
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To cherish you day by day
until
we’re old and grey