i knew i would be alone
from the moment i began to isolate myself
not because i felt neglected
but because loneliness was when my mind felt the safest
where i could wander within myself
no additional voices to cater to
i swam in my own emotions
enough to fill a sea

so when i end up alone again
dont pity me
ill be dancing by the sea
singing along with the voices in my head
basking in my own glory

i remember loving you
knowing how comfortably my heart fell into your palms
trusting every word your soul spoke
even thinking about our future as one
the children we would have had
what color eyes do you think they would of had?
hopefully a color that wont pierce aggressively like your lies
the ones you spit at me like darts
aimed straight at my heart
the one that wont trust a word you say anymore
would I even believe you if you said your name?

lets speak louder now
ive gotten used to yelling over the lies
hoping the volume will cancel out the past
but I still see you
laying on top of her
whispering how happy she makes you

lets speak quietly now
eventually our hearts will give up too
catch up to our minds
invest in our futures
instead of this ailing relationship

I've become the best director
implanted countless scenes into my brain
you always get the lead role
the guy and whatever girl he can get
the one who hurt him in the past
or the girl that gives it away so easily

my brain begins to malfunction from all the processing
who knows what ill make up next
but the thing is, its not all imagination
see you've set the play for me
you found the characters
and it was you who gave me the story
it was your actions that created the nightmare in my brain
all I can do now is try to decipher the reality

how long did you hold her?
how happy did you make her?
what did you tell her as you laid over her?
did I ever cross your mind as you touched her?

but most importantly
when will I forget?
I don't think theres enough time in the world for it
I fear that I'll grow old and carry this pain with me
I'm afraid my bones are too weak now

compare yourself to her once more
hold on to the skin banding around your waist
convince yourself this is why he left in the first place
or was it all the hate you had
for the world and yourself
was she prettier than you or just carefree
could she laugh more instead of cry
did she hate herself as much as you hate yourself
how easy was it for him to lay with her
without hearing her cry
with you its like a dark shelter
you only produce negativity
but what can you do when you look like yourself
act like yourself
and love like yourself
a weak, flawed, and miserable creature
he didn't leave just because of your looks
he left because of everything you are and everything you'll never be

I hope it kills you to watch me rot inside
You got the front row seat
It's like you planned it all
Every inch of pain spread across my body
Created by you and intensified by your emptiness
Like you couldn't bother to remember I had a heart
But I bet it makes it all easier
To imagine I was dead inside already
Well, now I am
Now, there is nothing

not one human
no person
or living being
has ever cared
nothing breathing talking or functioning at all, has ever cared

do you get tired of forgiving
how does your heart do it

how is it that every human youve come across
ends up needing you forgiveness
for the worst things possible

your mom couldnt love you
but its up to you to forgive her
your dad took away your childhood
but you had to give him your forgiveness
your mothers husband ruined your life
but you must forgive him
your friends lied to you and hurt you
but if you dont forgive them youre lonely
your boyfriends have torn you to bits
but you wont feel "love" if you dont forgive them
that man assaulted you
but youll never move on if you dont forgive him
you family used you
but you wont have anything if you dont forgive them

forgive them all
until theres nothing left of you
i hope you continue to find the pieces
the ones that fall apart everytime they break you
i hope they continue to come together although you devastated them
i hope you find that human
whoever they may be
i hope that one person doesnt break you when you let them hold yo