Every morning I wake up and make sure it's true
Stuck in a nightmare where I replay the same day, but instead, it's just a feeling I can't shake off

It starts with the pain I feel knowing he could hurt me again
Followed by the circles in my stomach as I think of her making him satisfied and whole again
Then come the tears as I realize I'm not what he ever wanted

I wasn't ever made for him the way he was made for me

In my eyes, he was never perfect
But perfect isn't what I was searching for

I was on a hunt for love like no other
One that would erase all the pain from before
A love I could use as a trophy after survival

But I placed too much trust in him                                        
In the ability for another human to devote time and care for me
Someone with little value and absolutely no self-love

Nobody loves a tortured girl, not even the ones who enjoy causing the pain

The many ways I've told myself I am not worthy of love
All the words I left as a reminder of the pain

You'd find me under all the "I'm sorry" responses they left
Never really understanding the extent of the pain

I'd be lost under the rubble of the self-pity and disdain
Could I have been better at dodging the hurt?

To what extent did the wounds have to go?

Your words spilled as I was gutted

Her silhouette became the blueprint of everything I wasn't

My body lay disintegrating into the thread count

Where we once laid and blended limbs until we felt whole

Placing bones, one on top of the other

Like a maze for anyone who tried to unravel

Now I lay with just one body and no heart

Heaving for air as I recall the times you whispered promises

Validating a love I had not predicted would build resilience

How should I beg when you leave?

What pattern of words would make the love run deeper than regret?

She’d be profound if she shared wiser words
The kind to evoke relativity
Yet, she shares simple pleasures only
Heart and mind dabble within her
Sharing pieces would feel enough
But every urge encourages a deeper focus

Learning from behavior would be wise
She could share pieces if it meant holding on to whats hidden
The darkest bits of misfortune

It’ll all entail a journey through understanding
An aspect of humanity not generously shared
Divided among willingness and doubt
She could walk the line
But with every ache there’s a story

Heavy words to carry
The kind to not roll off her back
Like pebbles wrestling through a river
Soundly words sing lyrics of torture through her mind
Echos of memories and flashes of disdain
She is encompassed by all that was
As she remains

This is it.
The end of us.
I lay my pain to rest, but if I could take another bullet I would
It was always worth it as long as I was rapped in your arms by the end of the day
If at night you held me close, id try to forget how you held her
When the lies filled up and drowned us, I enjoyed running away with you
It was always easier when I hid your torture from the world
As long as I was smiling, they wouldn't know you were trying to **** me
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the pummeling of my heart ever so often
I became drums to a musical show that I paid to enjoy
I'd feel the beatings to my heart just to hear your voice
Yet, when the world felt like it was eating me whole
Your embrace made it all feel like home

So i'll miss you
I'll think of us
Of you
And every attempt to end me

i am so sad.
id usually come up with a more elegant ensemble of words to tell you this
but today
im too sad
too upset
obviously missing most of my sense
i cant even think of words that go together to show you how ugly i am inside
mirrors would shatter at the sight of the dread going on within me
but im breathing
thats all that really matters right
as long as im standing here like an open wound for all to open up
like a stick and poke
id like to see myself as the messenger for my inner works
but all i can hear are cries and screams for help
so help.
help me forget the hurt
allow me to see some of the good
because at this moment in time, im facing the most visible memories of pain
but i must keep breathing right
because as long as im standing here for everyone to see
they can all think of new ways to pull me apart
until the thin string of sanity has completely disappeared

i knew i would be alone
from the moment i began to isolate myself
not because i felt neglected
but because loneliness was when my mind felt the safest
where i could wander within myself
no additional voices to cater to
i swam in my own emotions
enough to fill a sea

so when i end up alone again
dont pity me
ill be dancing by the sea
singing along with the voices in my head
basking in my own glory