my mom told me
to think of the struggles i faced three years ago,
and how i wasn’t facing those obstacles any longer

but i still am,mom

i’m still silently drowning in the hole he dug for me three years ago;
people keep coming along and making it deeper

they widen my roots making me weaker

i no longer feel my feet on the ground
i’m stuck feeling the depth of the water,
i’m still breathing with my head submerged

and he keeps coming along,
kissing my blue lips every time my face reappears

then pushing me under once he is done

my friends tell me he is toxic
that he is ruining me and that i should leave

but he is guarding the exit
and after three years i cannot lift myself out of the past

so i will let him keep kissing me.

until he steals the breath that is left from my mouth and makes it his own

until my head does not appear again, then he will finally go home


i would still rather die with him
than try and survive this alone.

the blue sky overwhelmed your face and absorbed it

stealing your
saltwater chapped lips,

your smokey eyes and hands
that felt so much like letting go.




i went out too far into the ocean

until it consumed me

and my hair turned red and tangled with seaweed;

my mouth was filled with the bitter nostalgia of the morning

i woke up

and your room was empty.




i choked and i choked,

my lungs filling with water

i am so dehydrated without you

if only i could drown in the ocean

before you swallowed my heart

i am a book that was once read,
devoured,

but now i sit on your shelf
waiting for you
to pick me.



if i saw your lips they would **** me in

and you are just as fleeting
as the universe cutting into the pieces of itself,

tearing at every hole in heaven.



and i feel so lost in the empty spaces
where your hands weren't,

before you loosened your grip on my throat

when you forgot to consider the exit wound;

you were more than my friend,
you were the only part of me that i wanted to fully become

you and your stain of a smile;

the way you grew from these negative emotions.



the promises i make to myself seem to be the hardest ones to keep

and though i hate to lie

letting you down seems so much harder.

i think i would destroy you



i would destroy you



like i used to.