in no time at all
I've hit another wall
solitude as self-harm
punishing the memory of warmth
inside places where never long I could stay

hollowed faith
misled fate
can neither stay

who is she who can't molt and emerge new
who can manage to mold
a new pelt
impenetrable to doubt?
who can keep it out?

some strange misery:
how you bare your aching body
and give divine consent
and give honey
like sun dust
like i have tasted
to another

when sun sleeps we weave delusions
plait silk into rivers and whisper in white drips
for a few moons there is thick silence
then, a jewel.

it seeps like sap down the spine
this tar, or fear, or hate of mine
beads opaque and thick and full of sin
i pick and peel
but they get in

i still dream
but blue, it blurs to black
deep seascape of a tormented hand,
i bind, am bound, to the things i pretend i understand
circle of a girl
eyeing squares of man

light is the letting go
hoping you pull, forgetting you won't
each time i forget, i melt and i drip,
a bad trip.

but when i think of teeth
discerning meat from bone
alone,
i float back with loose palms,
a calm.

delicate rituals of analytical loathing:
i unravel myself.

pick away shattered shimmer from cheek
wipe black magic with soiled cloth
rip undeservedly piece by piece
torture inconsistency over inches or miles of skin.

reconstructed with artificial spice,
i am a new girl, i am new features,
i am the new model.

my eyes open under saltwater
and so i sink or soak in seas of otherness
but i am fresh, like forming flesh
if flesh were sequined and stitched.

roll, bite, pick up habits, dirt, memory, fight
just to affix and roam on
i must be a big O, a filthy lost prince,
a katamari girl, never pleasin' no one.