A pounding heart
And hands that never sweat.
Backstage.
Waiting.
Smile Baby!
Sweet, sultry,
Whatever they want.
Posture, posture.
A loud voice that never shakes.
How flexible are your morals?
How badly do you want this?
Enough to sweat?
Enough to bleed?
Feel the emotions.
Deep breath.
You're next.

Fragments of thought flutter,
Across the landscape of my mind.
Dancing along the borders of action.
Teasing the petals of want.
A frenzied cacophony of phrases crash,  
Against my peace of mind.
And draw me into a spiral of,  
Confusion and despair.

Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm being crushed,
By the weight of my mind
I get stuck in episodes.
A mixture of almost,
Crying, vomiting, falling,
But doing nothing.
And gasping for air.
And wanting to lay down.
For days.
Wasting away.
Living life to the halfway.
And feeling bad,
In comparison life is good.
But I'm drowning.

We are all broken toys
Living in a twisted plastic world
Looking for love
With a toy less broken
Or broken in a different way.
Looking at frayed strings
And faded fabric
And hoping to make something new
And wearing down with overuse
And abuse.
And oiling joints
That creak from age.
Toys to be played with
But handle with care
Not plastic
But porcelain

I'm seared,
The red of passion drains
To dark, dusty black
The lingering oxygen teasingly close.
I'm tired,
Hacking coughs
And over worked from nothing.
You rubbed your eyes at the burning glare
Of energy untamed.
And now you leave
When only my coals remain.

I don't know where I'm going
And I'm starting to realize that's okay.
I'm coming to terms with the fact,
That life is a long, winding, unpaved highway.
And no matter what.
I can't let go of the wheel.
I'm coming to terms with the fact,  
That I don't need to know.
I just have to keep going.

You tell me not to catch an attitude,
You tell me not to hold my feelings in
Every time I feel bad,
You seem to make it worse.
Trapped among  the
Selfish ways of man and beast
Or maybe man is beast.
Deaf to my screams of agony
And my thoughts that stream.
So I hide
And am chastised
Then I reach out
And am ridiculed.

We made eye contact.
And it was a gentle brush.
As if we were merely acquaintances.
As if my feelings had gone unsaid.
And I know the awkwardness is just me.
Because to feel awkward,
You would have had to care.

A soft protest.
Followed by a sweet smile and
a shy glance away.
A fluttering heart.
Heated skin.
Quivering flesh.
A murmured "Thank you"
A sweeter compliment.
A reprieve.
Not "hot"
Not "****"
Pretty.

I noticed his hands today.
Nimble and full of promise.
Wicked and appealing.
I sat nearby.
Flustered and unfocused.
Each movement teasing me.
And he sat,
Unaware of the emotions he provoked.
The thought of his hands.
What they could be capable of,  
Swirls through my mind even now.
And I tremble at the thought,
Of possibly finding out.

The problem is
That we wish
To possess
and not appreciate.
and in the end,
All will be destroyed

I need you.
To break my heart.
To leave me torn to shreds.
To expose my nerves to the harshness.
I can not bear to do it.
My brain holds on to the thoughts.
And texts,
And memories.
I've held on so long now,
I barely feel my fingers.
Please!
I need you.
To break my heart.
Or save me.

In a world
Where everyone wants
To live forever.
I kinda want to die young.

I stood leaning against a mirror.
Watching my reflection,
And realizing,
I found myself pretty.
At some point,
My mental state had changed.  
I felt I looked different,
Or maybe was looking differently.
Instead of seeing each flaw,
I saw all the flaws at once,
Coming together to make something.
Something beautiful
And completely unique.

Waking up is the hardest part.
Each morning an alarm.
A signal.
Another day.
Snooze.
Wait.
I'm not ready.
But nothing waits.
NOTHING WAITS.
So with will, I get up.
Another morning.
Another day.
Step by step.
Breath by breath.  
Because
Waking up was the hardest part

The toxic smoke of your words
Fills my lungs
My stifled response leaves
A foul taste on my tongue
The heat of you seared my flesh
And now I'm charred
Brushed aside like ashes
I hope my dust
Fills your lungs
That every forced word burns
Your parched throat
Because only my tears can
Soothe the ache
And you can't have them

I've never thrown a temper tantrum.
The thought itself it not unappealing.
However, I've never lost control before.
The idea of surrendering to an emotion
is unfathomable.
Because the question is:
If I relinquish control,
Will I be lost forever

I found myself craving a big picture.
So I stood back,
And as my mind swirled in turmoil,
I watched other people,
How they interact,
How they struggle,
But somehow managing to,
Appear at least,
Somewhat together.
I found nothing in the big picture,
Except,
More space to think.

Nothing else can compare to
The feeling of someone loving you
An interesting mix of
Pressure to be worth it
And
Relief that you aren't so bad after all.

Let me be your Muse.
I will be your inspiration.
I will ****** you into creativity.
I will give you everything.
And give you nothing.
I will lure you to your doom.
Lust after your insanity.
Revel in your demise.
Come pet.
Relinquish your soul.
I will reside in your mind.
Whisper with your tongue.
Breathe with your lungs.
And you will die brilliant.
Let me be your Muse.

Come.
Join me.
Love me.
Sink into the depths.
With dripping hair and
Curves that entice.
Perfectly designed to be,
A man's paradise.
Singing haunting songs of
Lonely sailors past and
And the  daughters of the ocean
That sang from the water
And drove men mad.

When thinking of Jon
The sadness breaks my heart.
I have a friend
And he is a soldier.  
And he is so young
And so beautiful.
And the thought
That I could never see him
Touch him
Talk to him
Steals the breath from my lungs.
Last we talked he told me
That I would be okay
But I'm not in danger.
And I will never know
If he is even alive
Until he contacts me.
Thoughts of Jon hurt
But forgetting him, would be worse.

I remember the cold hands that I pushed away Remember the crying,
The self-loathing.
The water that scalded my hands
As I washed them over and over
Nothing was taken except my
Peace of mind
And self esteem
I'm fine,
But I don't trust,
And I won't love
Because in that instance
In those instances,
Family failed me.
And a little girl was exposed to the world.

In the midst of self-loathing
Comes an Epiphany
Like the eye of a tornado
The brief moment of clarity
Is almost a relief,
That is until you realize
Just how messed up you are.
Trying to explain
Just why
You can't feel.
Why being a robot
"Feels" so good